May 18, 2013

Why Self-Help Doesn't Work

Self help can suck.

Helping yourself is noble and can be effective to a point… but that’s one of its drawbacks: it’s limited.

No matter how many books you read on self-development (motivation, attraction, and so on), you can only grow so much by teaching yourself because 1) you don’t know where your blind spots are; 2) going out of your comfort zone is challenging; and 3) it’s difficult to objectively assess your own progress.

For those serious (and not too stubborn) about helping themselves, consider these benefits of outside help.

Three Benefits Of Asking For Help

Still hesitant to let others help you in your process?  Consider these benefits…

1. Learn About Your Blind Spots

Not happy with your job but don’t know what else you are passionate about?  Feel anxious when it comes to intimacy but not sure what the root of the feelings is?  Wish you had a better social life but don’t know how to go about it?

Blind spots are, by definition, blind.  You might be able to see the gap of logic in other people’s thinking, but I guarantee that you can’t see it in your own with the same accuracy.  You can laser beam through your roadblocks so much faster by talking with an objective friend.

Pro athletes have coaches.  Therapists see other therapists.  We all need help from others.  And being able to admit that to yourself is a mark of courage, not one of weakness.

2. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

It’s easy to stay in our comfort zones whether we are conscious of it or not.  Maybe you’ve been saying for years that you’re going to do something (get into a relationship, record an album, travel somewhere exotic), yet it hasn’t materialized in the real world.

Even if you do have awareness of your blind spots, it’s common to ignore them and let them slide.  Having an objective friend, partner, or coach help you with accountability is an important step in the road to becoming your best self.

3. Get Honest Feedback

Ralph Waldo Emerson once stated that an ideal friend is a “beautiful enemy”.  Someone that pushes you through your blockages when you don’t even know that you need to be pushed.  Someone that helps you grow as a person.

If your friends are quick to praise any and all things that you do without ever handing over a healthy dose of criticism, then you might be hanging out with the wrong friends.  You want people to push you, not be exclusively impressed by you.

Take Action Now

In all that you do… aim for self-awareness, not “self-help”.

You begin a completely new life when you go from thinking “I don’t really like my life right now”, to “I am going to change my life right now”.

This is your life and you are shaping it every single day.

Are you proud of the person you’re becoming?

If you want to become aware of your blind spots, supercharge your life, or want some advice as you transition a particularly tough section of your life, let’s chat.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
To The Perpetual Fence Sitters
Nov 17, 2018
Jordan Gray
To The Perpetual Fence Sitters
Here are three true short stories. About Tammy, Anna, and Joe.  (All names and any identifying details have been changed to protect identity.) Tammy Last week, a woman (who I will call Tammy) sent me a 1,000+ word email telling me about how she wanted...
Continue Reading
5 Things You Can’t Spend Enough Money On
Dec 14, 2019
Jordan Gray
5 Things You Can’t Spend Enough Money On
In a world where materialism is celebrated, frugality is a virtue. It's easy to fritter away your resources on superficial things that add zero value to your life. However, money can buy certain things that do create massive impact on your life. Many people are under-spending in these areas,...
Continue Reading
3 Toxic Expectations That Kill Relationships
Apr 26, 2015
Jordan Gray
3 Toxic Expectations That Kill Relationships
Every person comes into relationships with some sort of expectations. Expectations around how they want to be loved. Expectations around how frequently they will communicate with each other. Expectations around what their sex lives will look like. Truly, the potential number of expectations...
Continue Reading
Do You Regret An Entire Relationship? Here’s What’s Actually Going On
Mar 24, 2019
Jordan Gray
Do You Regret An Entire Relationship? Here’s What’s Actually Going On
I was talking to a client the other week, and he mentioned that he regretted a year long relationship that had recently come to an end in his life. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard someone saying that they wished they could undo the fact that an intimate relationship had taken place. If this is...
Continue Reading
The Intentional Life Ep.6: Mastering Self-Love with Ruby Fremon
Aug 7, 2016
Jordan Gray
The Intentional Life Ep.6: Mastering Self-Love with Ruby Fremon
On today's episode, Ruby Fremon and I discuss all things self-love. We talk about her difficult past, the turning point that snapped her out of her life-funk, what her pathway to self-love looked like, and her unique philosophy on what it is that actually makes us more self-loving. Ruby and I's...
Continue Reading
How To Heal Your Most Debilitating Core Wounds
Sep 24, 2017
Jordan Gray
How To Heal Your Most Debilitating Core Wounds
"I am a burden and a mistake." "All love that is offered to me is fragile and a lie." "Everyone I love secretly hates me and wants me to kill myself." These are the beliefs that dominated me for the majority of my life. I am the youngest of three children in my family. From...
Continue Reading