May 18, 2013

Why Self-Help Doesn't Work

Self help can suck.

Helping yourself is noble and can be effective to a point… but that’s one of its drawbacks: it’s limited.

No matter how many books you read on self-development (motivation, attraction, and so on), you can only grow so much by teaching yourself because 1) you don’t know where your blind spots are; 2) going out of your comfort zone is challenging; and 3) it’s difficult to objectively assess your own progress.

For those serious (and not too stubborn) about helping themselves, consider these benefits of outside help.

Three Benefits Of Asking For Help

Still hesitant to let others help you in your process?  Consider these benefits…

1. Learn About Your Blind Spots

Not happy with your job but don’t know what else you are passionate about?  Feel anxious when it comes to intimacy but not sure what the root of the feelings is?  Wish you had a better social life but don’t know how to go about it?

Blind spots are, by definition, blind.  You might be able to see the gap of logic in other people’s thinking, but I guarantee that you can’t see it in your own with the same accuracy.  You can laser beam through your roadblocks so much faster by talking with an objective friend.

Pro athletes have coaches.  Therapists see other therapists.  We all need help from others.  And being able to admit that to yourself is a mark of courage, not one of weakness.

2. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

It’s easy to stay in our comfort zones whether we are conscious of it or not.  Maybe you’ve been saying for years that you’re going to do something (get into a relationship, record an album, travel somewhere exotic), yet it hasn’t materialized in the real world.

Even if you do have awareness of your blind spots, it’s common to ignore them and let them slide.  Having an objective friend, partner, or coach help you with accountability is an important step in the road to becoming your best self.

3. Get Honest Feedback

Ralph Waldo Emerson once stated that an ideal friend is a “beautiful enemy”.  Someone that pushes you through your blockages when you don’t even know that you need to be pushed.  Someone that helps you grow as a person.

If your friends are quick to praise any and all things that you do without ever handing over a healthy dose of criticism, then you might be hanging out with the wrong friends.  You want people to push you, not be exclusively impressed by you.

Take Action Now

In all that you do… aim for self-awareness, not “self-help”.

You begin a completely new life when you go from thinking “I don’t really like my life right now”, to “I am going to change my life right now”.

This is your life and you are shaping it every single day.

Are you proud of the person you’re becoming?

If you want to become aware of your blind spots, supercharge your life, or want some advice as you transition a particularly tough section of your life, let’s chat.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
Being A Healthy, Balanced Adult Is Sexy As Fuck
Dec 10, 2018
Jordan Gray
Being A Healthy, Balanced Adult Is Sexy As Fuck
Self-destruction gets a lot of air time in mainstream media. "Look at this nihilistic badass! He’s constantly shit faced, and smoking a cigarette while he looks off camera left at nothing in particular… because, don't you know, nothing’s worth anything anyways." Nihilism gives...
Continue Reading
11 Easy Ways To Actually Love Yourself More
Jan 24, 2016
Jordan Gray
11 Easy Ways To Actually Love Yourself More
You hear the advice of "love yourself first" from so many sources throughout your life. But what does that actually mean? While I think that it's wrong/damaging/ridiculous to tell people that they can't be loved by others until they love themselves (*ahem*... of course you can... you not loving...
Continue Reading
I’m Not Perfect - And No One Is
Mar 22, 2015
Jordan Gray
I’m Not Perfect – And No One Is
When people find out what I do for work, they tend to assume a few things about me. “You’re a relationship coach? So you must be like the perfect boyfriend then, right?” “What a fascinating job. So I guess you and your girlfriend never fight.” “You’re basically a therapist for intimate relationships…...
Continue Reading
Why Your Partner Can’t Be Your Everything
Jun 4, 2016
Jordan Gray
Why Your Partner Can’t Be Your Everything
You have been sold a fantasy that can never come true. One of the worst things that the era of romantic love has taught you is that you are supposed to find a soul mate in a significant other who will be able to meet all of your needs flawlessly, often without even having to communicate their needs...
Continue Reading
I Met The World's Greatest Mom Today
Jan 27, 2016
Jordan Gray
I Met The World’s Greatest Mom Today
I was walking home from the grocery store today when I witnessed something truly special. It gave me a tremendous feeling of hope for humanity, and I'd like to share it with you. ... A mother was walking down the sidewalk with her son. She was in her 30's. She walked in a straight line. And she was...
Continue Reading
How I Healed My Relationship With Men
Sep 18, 2016
Jordan Gray
How I Healed My Relationship With Men
For the majority of my life, I have largely distrusted men. Being raised in the 1980’s and 90’s when third wave feminism was starting up and gaining momentum, I received a heavy dose of “This is how men are currently damaging the world” during my childhood conditioning. As a reaction to this...
Continue Reading