Mar 3, 2018

3 Reasons You Date Emotionally Unavailable People (& How To Stop)

Do you keep finding yourself dating emotionally unavailable people?

Does it frustrate you when you find out that the person you’ve just started seeing is JUST out of a relationship… or that they want to move even more slowly than you’ve already been going… or that they’re emotionally constipated and are unable to show you their true selves and be vulnerable with you?

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it’s highly likely that you’ve found yourself in a trend of attracting and dating emotionally unavailable partners.

While this is undoubtedly frustrating, it’s also preventable.

Today, we’re going to go through the top three reasons that you keep meeting and attracting emotionally unavailable people, and then give you an action plan for how to stop this pattern, once and for all.

Without further ado, here are the three reasons you keep dating emotionally unavailable people.

1. You are emotionally unavailable and afraid of being hurt

We don’t attract what we want, we attract what we are.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable, the harsh (but highly likely) truth is that you yourself are emotionally unavailable as well, and you’ve simply matched with yet another person who mirrors you in that way.

Maybe you’re still healing from a broken relationship or marriage and you secretly don’t want to get close to anyone. Maybe you’ve been repeatedly cheated on in the past and you have a baseline level of distrust of every person that you date. Maybe you still carry toxic shame about yourself because of a challenging childhood.

Whatever the reasons, if you consistently find yourself meeting and attracting emotionally unavailable partners, then it’s highly likely that you aren’t as emotionally available as you like to tell people you are.

2. You have low self-worth and you don’t think you deserve to be truly met by a partner

People with low self-worth often struggle with anxiety, seeing the positive side of situations, and intimate relationships. I mean, if you don’t think very highly of yourself, how could you think highly of the person who thinks that you’re an amazing, one-of-a-kind snowflake?

If you constantly worry you’re either too much or that you’re not enough (which are two sides of the same coin), then you will be highly prone to attracting emotionally unavailable partners into your life.

If you secretly don’t think that you deserve to be met by a significant other, then your belief will aim to prove itself right, over and over again.

3. You benefit from making your partner into a project, because then you don’t have to face into the reality of fixing your own life

In my coaching practice, I tend to work with a lot of self-employed, hyper-driven overachievers. And one common trait that I see amongst them all is that they are risk tolerant in business and risk averse in intimacy.

In other words, they have no problem writing a cheque for $100,000, or having a monthly payroll of half a million dollars… but the notion of getting close to another people who truly knows, sees, and appreciates them is enough to make their heart rate beat double time. And so to avoid being truly met or seen by someone who they see as their equal, they tend to date people who are guaranteed to not meet them emotionally (that’s right… they favour -no surprise here- emotionally unavailable people).

If there are glaring holes in your life (you eat terribly, you barely sleep, you have no real friends, your relationships are non-existent or clearly toxic, etc.) then those holes are much easier to ignore if you have another person to treat like a project.

In this instance, your significant other is merely a distraction to keep you numbed away from facing the pain in your life that you feel afraid to face.

Ultimately, these project-type relationships crumble as the fixer-upper becomes dissatisfied with the illusion of their partner (regardless of whether or not the person being ‘fixed’ changes for the better, worse, or stays much the same).

So… with all of that cheerful news out of the way… how do you undo this pattern of dating emotionally unavailable people?

The answer is as challenging as it is simple.

Love yourself first.

If you want self-esteem, do esteemable things with your life. Build yourself into something that you’re proud of.

And then face into the mirror and do your individual work of sorting yourself out.

Be the kind of person that you would want to ideally date, and you will start (like some kind of otherworldly magic) to meet and attract emotionally available people (even if they never seemed to have existed anywhere in your life before).

That’s it.

Love yourself. Face into your life with appropriate courage. Do your best. Repeat.

Dedicated to your success,


Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will also love checking out:

11 Easy Ways To Actually Love Yourself More

5 Ways To Heal Your Childhood Trauma

How To Fully Release Difficult Emotions That Hold You Back

How Perfectionistic Parenting Affects Children Later In Life

This Is Your Life Purpose



See All
The Only Thing You Need To Get Right While Talking To A Woman
Apr 28, 2014
Jordan Gray
The Only Thing You Need To Get Right While Talking To A Woman
You have been raised with the mindset that you need to play it cool in order to impress and ultimately attract a woman. And the initial appeal of this way of interacting with women makes sense. Because it helps you steer clear of vulnerability (something that you have been taught to avoid at all costs). Besides,...
Continue Reading
You Aren’t Special (And Neither Am I)
Dec 20, 2018
Jordan Gray
You Aren’t Special (And Neither Am I)
You are not special. You were not put on this planet to engage in some extra special mission that will save all of us, forever. You are not inherently better than or worse than others. You are extremely normal. You are incredibly average. And, in a very comforting and real way, we pretty much...
Continue Reading
Why Nice Guys Should Finish Last
Jul 18, 2013
Jordan Gray
Why Nice Guys Should Finish Last
Let’s end this whole “nice guys” myth once and for all… The term “nice guy” has been thrown around in popular culture a lot lately.  A quote unquote “nice guy” is actually a first class manipulator. (I was going to link to an Urban Dictionary definition of a nice guy here, but I found out that they...
Continue Reading
How To Prioritize Being Over Doing
Apr 12, 2016
Jordan Gray
How To Prioritize Being Over Doing
For the past three years I have been pushing the metaphorical boulder up the hill. I’ve created a business that more than takes care of my needs, while reaching over a million readers per month with my writing. For this fact, I feel supremely grateful. Nothing touches my heart more than knowing that...
Continue Reading
What The Most Compassionate People All Have In Common
Sep 21, 2015
Jordan Gray
What The Most Compassionate People All Have In Common
I was on a weekend retreat in Colorado with thirty other people. Each of the people that were there was selected by the primary criteria of them all being young entrepreneurs who were game-changers in their field (according to the event organizers). There was one woman in particular who I really felt...
Continue Reading
What You Can Learn About Love From Watching 'The Bachelor'
Mar 5, 2014
Jordan Gray
What You Can Learn About Love From Watching ‘The Bachelor’
People are inherently lazy. We want to do as little as possible for the promise of maximum results achieved. Work out once a week and get ripped. Get rich while you sleep. Find your dream partner in a day. And while all of these things are certainly possible, they tend to require an initial...
Continue Reading