Mar 3, 2018

3 Reasons You Date Emotionally Unavailable People (& How To Stop)

Do you keep finding yourself dating emotionally unavailable people?

Does it frustrate you when you find out that the person you’ve just started seeing is JUST out of a relationship… or that they want to move even more slowly than you’ve already been going… or that they’re emotionally constipated and are unable to show you their true selves and be vulnerable with you?

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it’s highly likely that you’ve found yourself in a trend of attracting and dating emotionally unavailable partners.

While this is undoubtedly frustrating, it’s also preventable.

Today, we’re going to go through the top three reasons that you keep meeting and attracting emotionally unavailable people, and then give you an action plan for how to stop this pattern, once and for all.

Without further ado, here are the three reasons you keep dating emotionally unavailable people.

1. You are emotionally unavailable and afraid of being hurt

We don’t attract what we want, we attract what we are.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable, the harsh (but highly likely) truth is that you yourself are emotionally unavailable as well, and you’ve simply matched with yet another person who mirrors you in that way.

Maybe you’re still healing from a broken relationship or marriage and you secretly don’t want to get close to anyone. Maybe you’ve been repeatedly cheated on in the past and you have a baseline level of distrust of every person that you date. Maybe you still carry toxic shame about yourself because of a challenging childhood.

Whatever the reasons, if you consistently find yourself meeting and attracting emotionally unavailable partners, then it’s highly likely that you aren’t as emotionally available as you like to tell people you are.

2. You have low self-worth and you don’t think you deserve to be truly met by a partner

People with low self-worth often struggle with anxiety, seeing the positive side of situations, and intimate relationships. I mean, if you don’t think very highly of yourself, how could you think highly of the person who thinks that you’re an amazing, one-of-a-kind snowflake?

If you constantly worry you’re either too much or that you’re not enough (which are two sides of the same coin), then you will be highly prone to attracting emotionally unavailable partners into your life.

If you secretly don’t think that you deserve to be met by a significant other, then your belief will aim to prove itself right, over and over again.

3. You benefit from making your partner into a project, because then you don’t have to face into the reality of fixing your own life

In my coaching practice, I tend to work with a lot of self-employed, hyper-driven overachievers. And one common trait that I see amongst them all is that they are risk tolerant in business and risk averse in intimacy.

In other words, they have no problem writing a cheque for $100,000, or having a monthly payroll of half a million dollars… but the notion of getting close to another people who truly knows, sees, and appreciates them is enough to make their heart rate beat double time. And so to avoid being truly met or seen by someone who they see as their equal, they tend to date people who are guaranteed to not meet them emotionally (that’s right… they favour -no surprise here- emotionally unavailable people).

If there are glaring holes in your life (you eat terribly, you barely sleep, you have no real friends, your relationships are non-existent or clearly toxic, etc.) then those holes are much easier to ignore if you have another person to treat like a project.

In this instance, your significant other is merely a distraction to keep you numbed away from facing the pain in your life that you feel afraid to face.

Ultimately, these project-type relationships crumble as the fixer-upper becomes dissatisfied with the illusion of their partner (regardless of whether or not the person being ‘fixed’ changes for the better, worse, or stays much the same).

So… with all of that cheerful news out of the way… how do you undo this pattern of dating emotionally unavailable people?

The answer is as challenging as it is simple.

Love yourself first.

If you want self-esteem, do esteemable things with your life. Build yourself into something that you’re proud of.

And then face into the mirror and do your individual work of sorting yourself out.

Be the kind of person that you would want to ideally date, and you will start (like some kind of otherworldly magic) to meet and attract emotionally available people (even if they never seemed to have existed anywhere in your life before).

That’s it.

Love yourself. Face into your life with appropriate courage. Do your best. Repeat.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will also love checking out:

11 Easy Ways To Actually Love Yourself More

5 Ways To Heal Your Childhood Trauma

How To Fully Release Difficult Emotions That Hold You Back

How Perfectionistic Parenting Affects Children Later In Life

This Is Your Life Purpose

Blog

Related

See All
How To Finally Get Over Your Ex (Even If It Feels Impossible)
Jun 2, 2014
Jordan Gray
How To Finally Get Over Your Ex (Even If It Feels Impossible)
Having trouble getting over your ex? Do you miss the way that they looked at you? The way that they smelled? The way their hand felt in yours? Do you think you see them walking down the street when really it's a stranger? Do you still hear certain music that reminds you of them? When someone...
Continue Reading
How To Overcome Depression Naturally
Nov 7, 2016
Jordan Gray
How To Overcome Depression Naturally
For a good chunk of this past year, I was suffering with depression. Life felt thick and heavy. My motivation was at an all time low. I cried all the time. My parents were worried about me. One of my best friends passed away, I went through a challenging breakup, and I'm more genetically prone to depression...
Continue Reading
How Your Childhood Is Messing Up Your Love Life
Feb 10, 2014
Jordan Gray
How Your Childhood Is Messing Up Your Love Life
Growing up, you were completely at the will of your parents. Depending on how much love, time, and attention your parents gave you, their involvement in your life undoubtedly affected how you show up in your romantic relationships. If they were there for you, never there for you, or too...
Continue Reading
5 Steps To A More Integrated Masculinity
Jun 7, 2019
Jordan Gray
5 Steps To A More Integrated Masculinity
Men are not born men. They become men through intention. To develop and integrate your masculinity, and truly feel like a man, you’ll have to put in particular types of effort in specific areas. Because, unlike pubic hair, masculinity and psychological maturity aren't automatic achievements you unlock...
Continue Reading
Unfathomable Pain, Unfathomable Beauty
Mar 18, 2018
Jordan Gray
Unfathomable Pain, Unfathomable Beauty
The world is incomprehensibly vast and dynamic. It would be too easy to throw in the nihilistic towel and say, 'The world is too messed up. My life has no meaning. What's the point of it all?' Because, yes, the amount of pain and suffering in the world is truly unfathomable. Every day, loved...
Continue Reading
Does An Equal Marriage Equal Less Sex? Not Quite…
Feb 12, 2014
Jordan Gray
Does An Equal Marriage Equal Less Sex? Not Quite…
Recent research has shown that the more equal and fair couples are in their partnership the less sex they have. The more the man does what are considered to be more feminine chores, the happier she says she is with him as a partner, but the less sexually desirable she finds him. But is this really...
Continue Reading