May 22, 2013

How Being Too Independent Has Kept You Single

Western society loves its steady junk food diet of independence and autonomy.

We are constantly being force fed the idea of self-sufficiency.

“Become amazing, do it by yourself, don’t complain… Be all that you can be… You don’t need someone else to complete you… Depending on others is a sign of weakness.”

Being overweight on this ‘Me First’ type of thinking has caused us to be severely malnourished in terms of having fulfilling relationships.

When you are overly focused on your needs and your happiness, then you stop focusing on others.  Independence and connection are not mutually exclusive.

But instead of finding a partner we become too independent.  We stay busy working on our lives and our selves, to avoid any semblance of connection and intimacy.  We fear that if we slow down we will feel the loneliness that our hearts are trying to tell us about.

How To Lean On Others In A Healthy Way

Here are three quick steps to get you back to a place of connection and fulfillment.

1. Challenge Your Beliefs

First off, it’s important to think about where you try to ‘go it alone’ too much.  Where in your life are you afraid to ask for help?  In love?  In your job?  From your parents or friends?

And then think about why you try and go it alone.  Are you trying to prove to someone that you are capable of being independent?  Do you feel like you would be perceived as weak if you asked for help?

Realize that no person can exist completely independently of others.  Humans are a social species and we need each other to survive.  At a certain point, you’re going to have to let others in.

2. Take Stock Of Your Social Circle

How many people in your life would you say really know you?  I mean, like, REALLY know you.  They know your fears, your insecurities, your dreams, your aspirations…

If your answer is anywhere between 1-5, that’s amazing.  That is already better than most people who report having zero confidantes in their life.

But if you can’t truthfully answer that anyone really knows you, maybe it’s time to start reaching out more often.

3. Listen To Your Fears

You know those things that you’re nervous about doing?  Maybe you don’t want to reach out because it will make you look desperate… needy… powerless.  Or you fear that it might make you indebted to someone or lower than them in some way?

Well congratulations, whatever whisper in your mind just popped up… you just signed up to do it.  Our fears and insecurities can be our greatest teachers when we start listening to them more often.

What Do We Really Need?

The truth of the matter is that, as much as we try to resist it, we need other people.  We need them to teach us, to nurture us, to love us, and to help us grow.

And as happy, independent, and self-sufficient as you can become on your own, a much faster path to fulfillment would be embracing the intimacy and community that already exists all around you.

If your societal conditioning is getting in the way of letting you reach out for help, them maybe it’s time you started to listen to you heart instead of popular culture.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Blog

Related

See All
8 Man Skills Every Man Should Know
Dec 15, 2019
Jordan Gray
8 Man Skills Every Man Should Know
Something I’ve learned from years in men’s work is that for most guys to really feel like men, they need to be initiated into manhood by a community of other guys, especially older ones. This is where they learn certain skills and ways of living. Most importantly, this initiatory process of...
Continue Reading
This Is Your Life Purpose
Oct 8, 2017
Jordan Gray
This Is Your Life Purpose
To feel alive... This is your life purpose. Spend time with people who make you feel alive. Eat food that makes you feel alive. Do work that makes you feel alive. Spend your money on experiences that make you feel more alive. Do things that make you feel alive. If the answer is...
Continue Reading
How To Fiercely Protect Your Time
Nov 6, 2016
Jordan Gray
How To Fiercely Protect Your Time
Here’s a problem that you haven’t been giving enough thought to… We live in the age of distraction, and your life is full of time vampires. Your beeping cell phone demands your attention. A loose acquaintance that you don’t really know very well reaches out to you on Facebook and asks to grab coffee/lunch/a...
Continue Reading
7 Of My Favourite Quotes That Will Turn You Into A Better Person
Dec 22, 2018
Jordan Gray
7 Of My Favourite Quotes That Will Turn You Into A Better Person
I, Jordan Gray, am a quote junkie.  Every close friend, confidante, and fellow growth warrior in the trenches of life alongside me knows that a pre-requisite of being in my life is being comfortable with me starting every fifth sentence with the words, “That reminds me of the quote…” I...
Continue Reading
How To Meet Amazing Women As A Digital Nomad
Mar 12, 2014
Jordan Gray
How To Meet Amazing Women As A Digital Nomad
As a location independent entrepreneur, you've likely found it difficult at times to find meaningful relationships while traveling the world. You want to taste everything that the world has to offer- whether that be food, experiences, or romantic relationships. But sometimes it can be lonely staring...
Continue Reading
Thank You For This
Mar 10, 2021
Jordan Gray
Thank You For This
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to the trees, and stars, and hot salty tears, And my childhood guardians who let me hold on to their thighs so that I got my daily touch. Thank you to the women who held me through my pain. To Libby and Linnea and Laura and Allison and Amy and all of...
Continue Reading