May 22, 2013

How Being Too Independent Has Kept You Single

Western society loves its steady junk food diet of independence and autonomy.

We are constantly being force fed the idea of self-sufficiency.

“Become amazing, do it by yourself, don’t complain… Be all that you can be… You don’t need someone else to complete you… Depending on others is a sign of weakness.”

Being overweight on this ‘Me First’ type of thinking has caused us to be severely malnourished in terms of having fulfilling relationships.

When you are overly focused on your needs and your happiness, then you stop focusing on others.  Independence and connection are not mutually exclusive.

But instead of finding a partner we become too independent.  We stay busy working on our lives and our selves, to avoid any semblance of connection and intimacy.  We fear that if we slow down we will feel the loneliness that our hearts are trying to tell us about.

How To Lean On Others In A Healthy Way

Here are three quick steps to get you back to a place of connection and fulfillment.

1. Challenge Your Beliefs

First off, it’s important to think about where you try to ‘go it alone’ too much.  Where in your life are you afraid to ask for help?  In love?  In your job?  From your parents or friends?

And then think about why you try and go it alone.  Are you trying to prove to someone that you are capable of being independent?  Do you feel like you would be perceived as weak if you asked for help?

Realize that no person can exist completely independently of others.  Humans are a social species and we need each other to survive.  At a certain point, you’re going to have to let others in.

2. Take Stock Of Your Social Circle

How many people in your life would you say really know you?  I mean, like, REALLY know you.  They know your fears, your insecurities, your dreams, your aspirations…

If your answer is anywhere between 1-5, that’s amazing.  That is already better than most people who report having zero confidantes in their life.

But if you can’t truthfully answer that anyone really knows you, maybe it’s time to start reaching out more often.

3. Listen To Your Fears

You know those things that you’re nervous about doing?  Maybe you don’t want to reach out because it will make you look desperate… needy… powerless.  Or you fear that it might make you indebted to someone or lower than them in some way?

Well congratulations, whatever whisper in your mind just popped up… you just signed up to do it.  Our fears and insecurities can be our greatest teachers when we start listening to them more often.

What Do We Really Need?

The truth of the matter is that, as much as we try to resist it, we need other people.  We need them to teach us, to nurture us, to love us, and to help us grow.

And as happy, independent, and self-sufficient as you can become on your own, a much faster path to fulfillment would be embracing the intimacy and community that already exists all around you.

If your societal conditioning is getting in the way of letting you reach out for help, them maybe it’s time you started to listen to you heart instead of popular culture.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Blog

Related

See All
Jordan's Top 10 Sex & Relationship Articles Of 2015
Dec 4, 2015
Jordan Gray
Jordan’s Top 10 Sex & Relationship Articles Of 2015
Happy almost 2016! Today, I want to do something a little bit different. This is a round up of all of the best articles I've written over the past year. I did something like this two years ago, and I thought it was time to bring it back. So without further ado... Here are my top ten most...
Continue Reading
How To Ask Someone To Be Your Cuddle Buddy
Dec 13, 2015
Jordan Gray
How To Ask Someone To Be Your Cuddle Buddy
A first-of-it's-kind question landed in my inbox a few days ago... Here it is in its entirety (shared anonymously with permission from the sender): "I got out of a relationship a few months ago (okay, six months ago) and I've been doing pretty well. My life is going well, I like what I do, and...
Continue Reading
How To Manage Stress (or How I Weathered My Shit Storm Of A Year)
Sep 5, 2016
Jordan Gray
How To Manage Stress (or How I Weathered My Shit Storm Of A Year)
What do you think of when you hear the word stress? A business person with clenched fists? A shy person anxiously walking out on stage to give a presentation? A Wall street day-trader with veins bulging on their forehead? My relationship to and understanding of stress shifted this year. I had always...
Continue Reading
This Is The One Thing You Always Have Control Over
Feb 21, 2016
Jordan Gray
This Is The One Thing You Always Have Control Over
We really can’t control much of anything in our funny little lives. We grasp for control. We grasp for meaning. We grasp for a semblance of purpose in everything that we do. In my opinion, there’s only one thing that we can ever truly control. And I’ll tell you what that is. But first, a story. My...
Continue Reading
The Ultimate Guide To Attracting A Partner That Aligns With You
Jul 16, 2014
Jordan Gray
The Ultimate Guide To Attracting A Partner That Aligns With You
As much as my books and blog posts largely focus on how to be the ultimate relationship partner, I get asked by men on a daily basis how to meet and attract a quality relationship in the first place. Without further ado, here is what I have learned through 15 years of serial monogamy. While getting...
Continue Reading
30 Pieces of Advice From 30 Couples Married 30+ Years
Dec 16, 2018
Jordan Gray
30 Pieces of Advice From 30 Couples Married 30+ Years
Ever wanted to hear from a trusted board of advisors on the topic of sustaining long-term love? Well, you’re in luck. I searched high and low to find thirty couples who had been happily married for over thirty years, and asked them what one piece of advice they would give to anyone who is single...
Continue Reading