You have been raised with the mindset that you need to play it cool in order to impress and ultimately attract a woman.
And the initial appeal of this way of interacting with women makes sense. Because it helps you steer clear of vulnerability (something that you have been taught to avoid at all costs).
Besides, it doesn’t really feel like rejection if she rebuffs your invitation to “hang out” because you weren’t really asking her out on a date. Your ego stays in tact, and you leave the interaction largely unscathed.
But the strangest thing happens when I let my clients in on a little secret about exactly how I interact with women between the stages of meeting them and having them become my relationship partner.
The Only Thing You Need To Get Right When You’re Talking To A Woman
Most dating advice for men teaches guys to be cool, aloof, and distant. It’s safe, it’s boring, and it’s holding you back in your love life.
So how should you communicate instead?
Be 100% honest, authentic, and real.
That’s great in theory, but what does that look like in practice?
Here’s a sample of a Facebook conversation I had with someone that I had spent no more than 10 minutes with in real life (we met at a party) but had felt quite drawn to in our brief interaction. I got her last name so I could add her on Facebook, added her quickly after the party (that in itself would be a big no-no in the minds of guys who want to play it cool) and asked her out the following morning. Check it out.
So let’s break it down here. The first thing some of my clients noticed is that I compliment her overtly three times in my opening message. Common game playing logic (aka anti-vulnerability) says to NEVER compliment a woman in your initial reaction or at least use it very sparingly.
Here’s what so backwards about that theory… if she even likes you a little bit, she won’t mind hearing about all of the things that you like about her.
What’s worse is the mindset that this style of conversing implies. If you’re reluctant to give out lavish praise with the person you’re interested in it usually comes from one simple insecurity – a fear of a loss of power.
You feel like she is already (on some level) so much better than you that if you compliment her and make her more aware of her awesomeness then she’ll think to herself “He’s right. I am great! What am I doing with a chump like him?”
But this compliment-scarce mindset is only holding you back in your interactions with women.
Think of how a high value confident man would act in this situation. Would he think to himself “I can’t compliment her because then she’ll leave me”? Absolutely not. In his reality, his life is so overflowing with self-esteem and value that his cup is overflowing with goodness. So he has ample attention and praise to dish out to people.
In my 15+ years of serial monogamy, I have yet to meet a woman who has tired of being genuinely complimented. In fact, some of my partners have responded so strongly to it that I could almost see the surge of happy chemicals that they received as their eyes lit up in response to my praise.
So the first lesson is to not hold back what your true feelings are – and that includes using compliments!
The second thing you’ll likely notice is that without trying to build too much rapport or connection (we only spoke for maybe 1-2 minutes total in person before I added her on Facebook) I went straight to asking her out on a date.
I usually explicitly use the word date (as in “I’d love to take you on a date later in the week… how does Thursday night work for you?”) but I feel like in the context of the overall message it was quite clear that I was interested in her romantically and not as a friend.
So you see? The best game is no game. It’s really that simple.
When it comes to interacting with my single male clients, I spend a large amount of my time encouraging them into being as authentic as possible in their interactions with women.
“How should I word this text if I want want to take her out on Thursday night to this restaurant? What’s the way to go about that?”
You tell her exactly what you just told me. Whatever you’re thinking, tell her those thoughts.
What if she responds poorly to your directness and isn’t interested in you?
If she isn’t interested in you, then she isn’t interested in you. Unlike what most Hollywood films would have you believe, the answer in that situation is not to continue pursuing her against her wishes.
If she doesn’t feel the spark that you do then respect her position on the matter, keep your integrity in tact and move on. Besides, wouldn’t you only want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with you?
Also, even if she isn’t interested after you’ve been fully truthful with your intentions, at least you’ll know that you actually made a real attempt. As anyone who has ever consciously built up their courage will tell you, it’s the chances that you don’t take that sting the most.
Is there such thing as being too direct?
Yes. If you completely ignore social rules and tell her exactly what’s on your mind in certain situations (“Hi, nice to meet you… I’m imagining us having sex on that couch over there”) it won’t always pan out well. I’m not telling you to go the route of radical honesty and forget all societal norms and social rules. Use your better judgment as per what’s being honest and what’s being overly candid to the point of rudeness.
Isn’t there something to be said about needing a baseline level of confidence in order to pull something like this off with a woman you’re interested in?
Absolutely. But the road to said confidence is not paved with practice runs consisting of head games and manipulation.
The only way to get better at authentically connecting with women is to practice being authentic around women.
You can skip years of headaches and heartbreaks by being as open and honest with your potential partners as possible. Whether that means telling someone that you like them shortly after meeting them, saying that you don’t want to have sex with your girlfriend for at least a few weeks until you’ve had more of a chance to connect with on an emotional level, or just telling a woman on the street that she looks beautiful with no expectation of any outcome from that interaction… being authentic with your thoughts, feelings, and actions with women will go a long way.
Can It Really Be That Simple?
I hear your underlying thought pattern calling out saying… “Wait a second… so you’re saying you can get women interested in you without any games or manipulation?” Yup! And it takes less time, energy, and loss of self-esteem than the strategy of being overly tactful.
So the next time that you’re humming and hawing about what you should say to a woman (whether via text or in a real conversation) just think “What am I actually thinking/feeling/trying to say here?” and then say that.
No games, manipulation, or tricks required.
Besides, do you really want to land yourself in a relationship with a part of you knowing that you tricked your way into it? You could end up losing respect for yourself (and for her, if you judge her harshly for fallen for something that you didn’t feel good about doing to begin with).
Keep it real guys.
Dedicated to your success,