When people find out what I do for work, they tend to assume a few things about me.
“You’re a relationship coach? So you must be like the perfect boyfriend then, right?”
“What a fascinating job. So I guess you and your girlfriend never fight.”
“You’re basically a therapist for intimate relationships… so you must be married, right?”
I get these questions on a weekly basis. And the underlying assumption is that in order to help people with any area of their life, you have to have flawlessly mastered the area that you’re advising on.
Well, it’s time to burst some bubbles.
I’m not perfect.
No one is perfect.
And no relationship is perfect.
I’m Not Perfect
Yes, I’m probably a better relationship partner than a lot of people. I’m kind, compassionate, loving, and a world class listener… all things that I believe come along with my counsellor-type brain. But I will never feed into this idea that I am a perfect person and/or relationship partner.
I get triggered like everyone else. I have fears, insecurities, and areas where I feel I fall short in my relationships. I unconsciously do things for external validation to overcompensate in areas where I was once told I was deficient.
I work hard to keep up to examples that my parents set. I also make a concerted effort to avoid doing other things that I saw my parents do.
I have abandonment issues, I struggle with low self-esteem, and I have to proactively invest in my self-care or else I’ll go into my workaholic man-cave.
I am human. I’m a big, messy, complex set of character traits and personality quirks.
And in no way do I think that it serves you, my readers, or my clients in pretending that I have everything all figured out.
The reason I have connected with so many readers in such a short amount of time online is that I make no bones about the fact that I am right here in the trenches with you. I am a work in progress, and I always will be.
I don’t dole out my pearls of wisdom from atop an ivory tower. I’m battling through my emotional demons every day. I’m getting my hands dirty. I’m going in first. This is who I am and who I always will be.
No Relationship Is Perfect
It serves no one when people feed into the perception that they have a perfect relationship.
YES, there are some relationships that are strangely high functioning compared to the majority. And I had the insanely good fortune of being raised in a household where I saw multiple examples of long-term, loving marriages of several decades.
But every couple fights (which is totally healthy). Every couple compromises (also totally healthy). Every couple frustrates each other with seemingly trivial bickering on a weekly basis (this is just life).
We’re all humans. We’re all a messy, complex set of character traits and personality quirks.
To believe anything else is to have an anxiety-producing perfectionistic mindset that will make your love life suffer through your expectations of what it “should” be.
You’re going to mess up. Your partner is going to mess up. The magic is in the courage it takes to face that, accept it, and take ownership of those moments.
We’re All Perfect, As We Are
So if we’re all united in our messiness… and we’re all just trying to love as best we can… then we’re all already perfect as we are right now. We are complete. We are whole.
My favourite people have always been (and will always be) the ones who are willing to look in the mirror and take responsibility for the person that they see.
But there’s a difference between feeling like you’re never enough versus feeling like you are always perfect, and yet you can still change. This is the most empowering mindset I can think of to live by… “I am already whole and, at the same time, I can still strive for improvement.”
If you’d like to talk to someone who has done their work, is doing their work, and will always be doing their work, you can reach out and chat with me anytime directly.
Dedicated to your success,