Nov 11, 2016

Understanding The True Nature Of Jealousy

Jealousy can be one of your most profound teachers, if you allow it to be.

I get several emails every week from people who are trying to navigate their jealousy, and hitting a road block. I find it to be one of the most commonly misunderstood emotional responses in relationships.

Jealousy, like anger, is what is known as a secondary emotion, in that it surfaces as a response to another deeper emotion that resides underneath it.

If you follow your jealousy down and ask it why it has come to visit you, you’ll usually find either hurt or fear underneath. Follow the ‘why’ down, several layers, and you will find your answer.

Fear-Based Example: “I feel jealous because my boyfriend still engages with his female BFF that he used to date. Why does this bother me? Because a part of me fears that she will make a move on him and threaten our relationship. So fear is the culprit. Has my partner ever given me any reason to doubt him? No. Then what is the more truthful, empowering statement to hold on to? I trust my partner implicitly, I know that he loves me, and I know that I have nothing to worry about. I should report my mind to my partner, owning my emotions entirely, in order to remove this falsely perceived block between us.”

Hurt-Based Example: “I feel jealous that my girlfriend spends so much time out with her friends after work. Why does this bother me? Because she does this often enough that I feel like she doesn’t place me as a priority in her life. Okay, any other reason? Yes, one time she stayed out late and ended up getting really drunk and making out with a guy that she didn’t know. So there is unresolved hurt… were amends made? Do I feel safe with her or do we need to discuss this further in order to feel safe in our relationship? I don’t feel safe, we need to discuss it more so that we can move forward in a healthier way.”

If your jealousy is pointing towards old unresolved HURT from past transgressions, then that needs to be addressed and you are within your rights to ask that things shift so that you feel more safe in your relationship.

If your jealousy is pointing you towards your FEAR, then you need to embrace the truth of the situation and come to a more reality-based version of your internal story, as opposed to being controlled by your mind.

I hope this context serves you well.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll likely also love reading:

How To Fully Release Difficult Emotions That Hold You Back

What Our Emotions Are Trying To Tell Us

21 Of The Best Self Care Practices Ever

How To Get Rid Of Your Repressed Anger

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
How I Learned To Have Male Friends
Dec 11, 2019
Jordan Gray
How I Learned To Have Male Friends
I was bullied by my siblings for years in my childhood, and my brother was the ringleader of it all. It felt horrible. Like I was unworthy of love. I hated it so much that I tried to kill myself when I was 15 years old. As a result, I built a story in my mind that other men weren't trustable. For years...
Continue Reading
What Love Letter Will You Write To The World?
Mar 31, 2016
Jordan Gray
What Love Letter Will You Write To The World?
The fact that you exist is nothing short of a miracle. Your life is a gift. And how you live your life is your thank you letter to the universe. You can take your life for granted and live your life from a mindset of entitlement... or you can live from a place of gratitude paired with the intention...
Continue Reading
What I Learned At Five About Generosity
Jan 10, 2024
Jordan Gray
What I Learned At Five About Generosity
When I was in the first grade (5 years old)... In our classroom, my teacher had this system called 'Good News Notes'. Each student had a little manila envelope stuck to the wall, with their name on it. Jordan. Ashley. Curtis. Jacqueline. Daniel. Philip. These envelopes... lined up side by...
Continue Reading
The 3 Best And Worst Things To Say To Someone With Depression
Oct 1, 2016
Jordan Gray
The 3 Best And Worst Things To Say To Someone With Depression
I was sitting in my men’s group last night when one of the men revealed that he had been suffering with depression and suicidal ideation for the past several weeks. Without prompting, half a dozen of the guys in the room started to rattle off some of the least productive things that you can say to someone...
Continue Reading
How I Met My Wife
May 20, 2022
Jordan Gray
How I Met My Wife
In October of 2017, a 24 year old university student, with two names that I wouldn't dare to try to pronounce upon reading them, hired me for a coaching session through my website. When we hopped on the call, she seemed to be someone who was wanting to break free from doing what she was told was the...
Continue Reading
In Praise Of Emotionally Strong Women
Mar 9, 2015
Jordan Gray
In Praise Of Emotionally Strong Women
Here’s to the emotionally strong women... The women that have done their work. The women that know the value of self-love and self-care. The women that hold themselves, and others, to higher standards. The women that have felt grief, and received the grief of their loved ones. The women who turn...
Continue Reading