Nov 11, 2016

Understanding The True Nature Of Jealousy

Jealousy can be one of your most profound teachers, if you allow it to be.

I get several emails every week from people who are trying to navigate their jealousy, and hitting a road block. I find it to be one of the most commonly misunderstood emotional responses in relationships.

Jealousy, like anger, is what is known as a secondary emotion, in that it surfaces as a response to another deeper emotion that resides underneath it.

If you follow your jealousy down and ask it why it has come to visit you, you’ll usually find either hurt or fear underneath. Follow the ‘why’ down, several layers, and you will find your answer.

Fear-Based Example: “I feel jealous because my boyfriend still engages with his female BFF that he used to date. Why does this bother me? Because a part of me fears that she will make a move on him and threaten our relationship. So fear is the culprit. Has my partner ever given me any reason to doubt him? No. Then what is the more truthful, empowering statement to hold on to? I trust my partner implicitly, I know that he loves me, and I know that I have nothing to worry about. I should report my mind to my partner, owning my emotions entirely, in order to remove this falsely perceived block between us.”

Hurt-Based Example: “I feel jealous that my girlfriend spends so much time out with her friends after work. Why does this bother me? Because she does this often enough that I feel like she doesn’t place me as a priority in her life. Okay, any other reason? Yes, one time she stayed out late and ended up getting really drunk and making out with a guy that she didn’t know. So there is unresolved hurt… were amends made? Do I feel safe with her or do we need to discuss this further in order to feel safe in our relationship? I don’t feel safe, we need to discuss it more so that we can move forward in a healthier way.”

If your jealousy is pointing towards old unresolved HURT from past transgressions, then that needs to be addressed and you are within your rights to ask that things shift so that you feel more safe in your relationship.

If your jealousy is pointing you towards your FEAR, then you need to embrace the truth of the situation and come to a more reality-based version of your internal story, as opposed to being controlled by your mind.

I hope this context serves you well.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll likely also love reading:

How To Fully Release Difficult Emotions That Hold You Back

What Our Emotions Are Trying To Tell Us

21 Of The Best Self Care Practices Ever

How To Get Rid Of Your Repressed Anger

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
6 Ways To Use Technology To Improve Your Relationship
Nov 30, 2014
Jordan Gray
6 Ways To Use Technology To Improve Your Relationship
Don't think that you can use technology to improve your relationship? Think again. People blame technology for a lot these days. I see endless news headlines with titles like: “Digital communication is making us more disconnected”, “We need more face to face and less Facebook”, and “People texting...
Continue Reading
I Used To Think That Men Who Got Married Were Idiots
Feb 25, 2021
Jordan Gray
I Used To Think That Men Who Got Married Were Idiots
I used to think that men who got married were idiots. Or, if they weren't idiots, they were at least undesirable enough that they just had to settle for whoever chose them... because why else would you tie yourself to someone for life if the reason weren't that you didn't have any other romantic options? I...
Continue Reading
How To Recover From Extreme Burnout (Adrenal Fatigue, Exhaustion)
May 3, 2017
Jordan Gray
How To Recover From Extreme Burnout (Adrenal Fatigue, Exhaustion)
Are you currently experiencing extreme burnout? Have you been googling things like “adrenal fatigue”, “how to rest”, and “extreme tiredness”? Whether you’re experiencing burnout from a place of workaholism-induced fatigue, situational depression, or a chronic (i.e. multi-year) lack of rest, this article...
Continue Reading
All Of Your Problems Boil Down To These Two Questions
Jul 10, 2018
Jordan Gray
All Of Your Problems Boil Down To These Two Questions
I have been a full time sex and relationship coach for the last decade. And in my time as someone who is on the front lines of facing into people’s pain, I have noticed a few pervasive patterns. Primarily, that the root issue of everyone’s questions can be boiled down to two simple questions: 1....
Continue Reading
The Differences Between Boy And Man Psychology
Sep 3, 2013
Jordan Gray
The Differences Between Boy And Man Psychology
Do you ever have moments when you feel like a boy trapped in a man's body? We all do at some points in our interactions with others. You find yourself picking a fight over something insignificant. Or feeling jealous of another man's business success. Or becoming whiny when your partner says she's...
Continue Reading
5 Powerful Romantic Gestures They Will Remember Forever
Jul 14, 2015
Jordan Gray
5 Powerful Romantic Gestures They Will Remember Forever
Ever wanted to do something truly special for your partner? Maybe you’ve been around the block and you feel like you’ve done all there is to do. Maybe you’re an all-around superb intimate partner in a lot of ways. Maybe… just maybe… on occasion you’ve even managed to make your significant other...
Continue Reading