We all have goals.
Things we want to do. Things we want to accomplish.
It could be finally meeting the spouse of your dreams…
Going deeper with your existing partner and experiencing relational bliss…
Getting the health, energy, and body you’ve always desired…
And yet, we struggle.
Even with the things that we so desperately crave in our lives, traction seems hard to come by.
What’s even more frustrating is that most people don’t even realize they might be a factor.
But the good news is that once you recognize what’s holding you back, you can finally do something about it.
After working with thousands of clients over the past nearly 20 years…
In this article, I’m going to dive into seven of the most common ways we all stand between ourselves and the lives we want.
7 Ways We Hold Ourselves Back From What We Want
1. Painful past experiences
One of the most common things that holds us back is that we’ve experienced challenging or painful things in the past, and we subconsciously use those negative experiences as reasons to keep from trying again.
Ultimately, all beliefs are about safety. They want to keep us safe, to protect us from pain.
And so if you tried a thing similar to the thing you want in the past and it went poorly, your mind will put a flashing, red, neon sign above that thing saying, “WARNING: Do Not Attempt Ever Again!”
While we can see the misguided love of that protection, we have to be willing to let go of the old story in order to move forwards and create a new experience.
Just because something can go poorly doesn’t mean it inevitably goes poorly.
Past pain is in no way a guarantee of future pain.
It’s simply a thing that happened (once, or even multiple times), and there’s still time left to conquer that particular demon, and to create a new story for yourself.
2. Negative influence of others
Another common factor in why we don’t achieve what we want is the people we surround ourselves with.
When we stretch ourselves to accomplish new things, the (often well-meaning) people around us can warn us of all of the things we should watch out for, or tell us why it isn’t a good idea.
Assuming you generally have kind, self-aware, non-shaming people in your corner, they’re often not even being malicious. They may genuinely want what’s best for you. And… they often speak from their own limitation, or some part of them feels threatened by your striving and so they subconsciously want to shoot you down so they don’t have to feel bad about their (lack of) results.
For example, you could tell someone you want to get in better shape. That could make the person listening feel insecure about the state of their own health or body, and so they pass on their favorite excuse (age, busyness, location, season of life, etc.) to you to try to make sure you’re being realistic. When in reality, they’re simply managing their own sense of guilt, shame, or wrestling with their own procrastination.
Or another example would be you telling someone you want to improve your marriage of several decades. If the person you’re speaking to has also been married for a long time and they feel bad about the state of their marriage, they might say something like, “Everyone secretly feels like we do at this age. That’s just how it is. After decades and kids and health scares… this is just how it ends up being. Why not be grateful for what you have?”
Again, potentially well-meaning, but ultimately, just a way to manage their own emotions and to not feel threatened by your desire of wanting more for yourself out of life.
Does this mean that you should never tell anyone about your goals? No. I certainly don’t subscribe to that notion.
You can absolutely tell people about your goals and desires… just make sure you’re telling the right people. Only tell growth minded people who want the best for you and who never show signs of wanting you to play small to make them feel better.
People in your life who genuinely want the best for you in all situations and who can truly celebrate your wins might only be 1% of the people that you know… but they are worth their weight in gold.
(I just Googled the market rate of my body weight in gold, and it’s about $13 million USD, so, honestly, not a bad expression in this instance!)
3. Fear of known loss
One of the sneakier things that our minds do when it comes to making a change is obsessing over the known thing that we will lose.
When we set out to make any change, we will inevitably lose something.
We might lose certain habits that keep us small. Misaligned relationships that no longer serve us. A sense of comfort and familiarity. A former identity or aspect of ourselves that has allowed us to remain in some social group.
And when we consider making these higher-level changes, our mind latches onto the known loss.
“If I want to lose this excess weight I might have to give up eating a tub of ice cream every night… and I love my daily tub of ice cream!” Yes, we very well have to.
But the thing to remember is that whenever we make any change, the loss is known but the upside is not yet known.
So, of course, it’s understandable to ruminate on the thing we are losing. But if we never give any attention to what we might gain, our thought process is overly short-sighted and not based in holistic reality.
Yes, when you grow, you will ‘lose’ things. But you might just lose a smaller, more afraid, more limited version of you that was never meant to serve you. And that former self was only meant to keep you safe for a season that you have already successfully moved through.
4. Low expectations of themselves
People often resist beginning to move towards desired change because they have low expectations of themselves.
They think, “Well, yes, of course I would love to have XYZ. But that isn’t for people like me.”
These low-opinion-of-self thoughts can sometimes get vicious. They can sound like, “I’m too dumb for that”, “I don’t deserve something that beautiful/amazing/good”, or “Who do I think I am… I’m not that special.”
All of these, when held up in the light, are devastatingly sad.
Why do we think we are uniquely undeserving when we so readily see others as being deserving of what they have?
Life is fundamentally about growing and giving. Growing as people, and serving one another with the gifts that we accumulate.
So who are you to NOT live a beautiful, abundant, fulfilling life… where the overflow of your love can benefit all those around you?
You are infinitely capable of all that you seek. The desires in your heart are there for a reason, and they deserve to be listened to.
5. Perpetual indecisiveness
Another thing that keeps people stuck is drowning themselves with perpetual indecisiveness.
By never choosing, never committing to anything, they keep themselves running around in frantic, aimless circles.
This can show itself in many forms.
One person might spend decades – using busyness, responsibilities, or thinking realistically as their excuse of choice – to avoid slowing down for long enough to admit what they truly want.
Another might acknowledge what they want for themselves, but then they strategy-hop every other week so they never gain any traction in life.
And another still might admit what they want in a moment of honesty, and then spend the rest of their lives using mental gymnastics to convince themselves that they never actually wanted that in the first place, and that they were just being silly and idealistic.
Eventually, we either commit to the truth and do what is required… or we rationalize ourselves into a numb mess of personality and coping mechanisms.
One path leads to peace, joy, connection, and abundance… and the other leads to addiction, a low grade deadness in the eyes, and misery. Choose wisely.
6. Momentum of habit
A factor that is easy to overlook when it comes to overcoming sneaky self sabotage is simply the established way that we are used to doing things. In other words, momentum of habit.
If we have done something one way for years (or decades) then the well-worn grooves in our mind will continue to default towards that behavior until they are intentionally acted upon.
I will put it candidly – in some instances, this requires a Herculean effort. And? So what. Your life is going to continue to pass anyways. Do you want the outcome you say you want, or do you just like the feeling of desiring it?
There are absolutely times where we have to accept that, ‘Okay, this old way of behaving is deeply familiar to me… AND… it is keeping me stuck. I need to make a change.”
This can be where harnessing your anger becomes useful.
It isn’t enough to say, “Hmm, yes, I think I would like to see some change in this area of my life, if I happen to stumble upon it.”
There are situations that require you to admit, “I hate how this part of my life is. I never want to experience this ever again, and I will do whatever it takes to change this.”
With this kind of fire in the belly, it becomes far easier to uproot the old habit and replace it with one that actually serves you.
7. Putting all creative energy towards worst case scenario thinking and none of it towards imagining positive upside
When we envision our futures, it can be easy to consider the worst case scenario. Comforting, even.
For most people, they can see the worst case scenario in high-definition, vivid detail… because they have thought about it so often.
But do they put the same level of psychological and emotional bandwidth towards how good it could be? No, they generally do not.
First step is to recognize it, second step is to consciously change it.
Give yourself full permission to put some of your creative efforts towards imagining the upside of just how beautiful, fulfilling, and nourishing it could be when things go well for you.
Worst case scenario tends to spiral down to, “Everyone will hate me and then I’ll be homeless and I’ll die.” In other words, social isolation and certain death. Which, given that we are a social species and that these things were the highest form of punishment for all of human history, of course that is where our fears lead us. But we live in very different times than our hundreds of thousands of years old brainstem has caught up to. In truth, our lives are much more forgiving and buoyant than they used to be.
So…
How good could it be?
How good can you take it?
How happy will you allow yourself to be before a part of you wants to come back down to a familiar, comfortable baseline?
This is the real work of our lives.
And you get there by letting yourself dream. Envision. Desire. Longing for something more than what you currently have.
I will say it again…
The desires in your heart are there for a reason, and they deserve to be listened to.
The Cost Of Waiting
Listen, this is what I want you to remember…
Your life is happening right now.
The months and years are going to pass whether you take action towards your dreams or not.
And five years from now, you could be living in a deeply nourishing relationship, feeling healthier and stronger than ever, and experiencing levels of peace, joy, and abundance that your current self can barely imagine.
Or you could still be sitting with the same familiar frustrations, wishing you had started sooner.
The difference between those two futures is determined by what you’re willing to do today.
You are allowed to want more for yourself. You are allowed to take your desires seriously. And you are absolutely capable of creating meaningful, lasting change.
So… what have you been putting off that your future self would thank you for finally pursuing?
Whatever it is, I hope you give yourself permission to go after it with your whole heart.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll love checking out the following:
– 1-on-1 coaching with Jordan (limited availability)
– 7 Hidden Costs Of Being Single
– Why People Don’t Get The Life They Say They Want (5 Reasons)
– The Big Test Before You Leap
– Growth Feels Like Death Because It Is Death
