Aug 5, 2013

Half A Dozen Hacks For A Thriving Sex Life

Sex is everywhere except in sex in western society.

Magazine ads, billboards, and mainstream media shove sex in our faces on a daily basis but it’s still somewhat shameful to discuss sex publicly.  As a byproduct of the commercialization of sex to sell soft drinks, deodorant, and video games, the sexual act itself has become increasingly void of depth and passion.

The massive success of books like 50 Shades of Grey speaks to an under-sexed culture of people who are looking for intimacy and intensity that they currently aren’t experiencing in their sex lives.

Do you ever feel like the spark is gone from your sex life?

With a couple of smart tools under your belt, you can start to inhabit your sexual self more deeply, and more truthfully.

Here are half a dozen hacks for a thriving sex life…

CuteCoupleSex

1. Eye Contact

Studies have shown that, early on in a romantic relationship, the greater the amount of time you and your partner spend making eye contact the greater chance of success your relationship has long-term.

One of the most common complaints I’ve received from my heterosexual female clients is that their boyfriends bury their face over their shoulder and they get little to no eye contact during sex.  Counteract this by consciously connecting with your eyes.  To take it a step further you can touch your foreheads together for periods of time for some deep soul gazing.

2. Exercise

Feel like your sex drive has dropped off in the last little while? You’re probably not getting enough exercise.

Challenging exercise gives you a rush of endorphins, dopamine, and a host of other happiness inducing brain chemicals.  Weight lifting also helps with the production of testosterone (the sex and aggression hormone) which keeps your sex drive healthy and regular.

Does the thought of becoming a gym rat with a regular protein shake habit sound like too much?  Then don’t commit to that.  Work out with intensity once and see how your body, libido, and mental state respond.

3. Make It A Priority

It’s easy to let life get in the way of our relationships.  But whatever we tell ourselves is the reason that we don’t prioritize our sex life any longer, it is only an excuse.

Schedule it.  Turn off your cell phones.  Keep all phones/televisions/computers away from your bedroom and make it a sexual safe haven.  Talk to your partner about your ideal frequency of sexual intimacy.  No more excuses.  Put the effort in, make it the priority that it deserves to be, and you will both benefit tremendously.

4. Just Say No To Porn

I’ve written about this extensively in the past, and it bears repeating.

Fast food is to nutrition as porn is to intimacy.

If you have a low sex drive, have difficulty becoming aroused with your partner, or generally have a lacklustre desire for your partner, this can frequently be tied back to your porn consumption.  Just say no to porn.  You can go as far as downloading website blocking applications that keep you away from your most visited sites to help you abstain.

The one exception for the ‘no porn’ rule is to only watch “porn” of you and your partner.  Whatever you are doing in any moment you are getting better at.  So by becoming aroused by your partner by masturbating to photographs or videos of them (or you with your partner), then you are deepening your attraction to them.

Bonus side note: Masturbate! All great lovers do. Aim to become an expert on your arousal arch and discover what you are drawn to sexually.

5. Experimentation And Openness

Sex with someone new is always the same… but sex with the same person is always different.

Have all of the darkest corners of your sexual psyche been explored?  There’s no better time to explore these than within the context of a committed relationship.

You can sit down with your partner and take twenty minutes to write down all of the things you have ever wanted to try sexually… then at the end of the session, compare notes and see if there is any overlap or things you would each be willing to try.  Make sure you agree at the beginning of the exercise to have it be a judgment and ‘slut-shaming’ free session.  Whatever comes out is from the most vulnerable parts of you and your partner so treat the information with respect.

6. Have The Tough Conversations

… And have them outside of the bedroom.

It’s easy for things to pile up when you are in a long-term relationship. Conversations about sex, money, children, morals, and religion can go unsaid until resentment starts to build up from one or both partners.

Lean into the awkwardness and have the tough talks. Bringing it up could be uncomfortable for a moment, but not bringing it up will make you uncomfortable for months (or years!).

Also, if there is unresolved sexual trauma in either one of your pasts, I would highly recommend talking to a therapist or coach that can help you process some of the stuck emotion that you have surrounding the incident.

While not being a registered psychologist, I have helped many people process PTSD, sexual anxiety, erectile dysfunction, past sexual trauma, and enabled them to help their partners through the same things. Verbalize your fears. You are far from alone.

OpenHerSexually

Just The Tip

We all have some elements of sexual programming that our friends/family/religion/culture have pressed upon us that aren’t serving us.  Make it a goal to look within yourself to see what your inner voice tells you about what is “okay” or not in your sexual self.

The truth is that there are as many sets of sexual kinks and preferences as there are people in the world.  Sexuality couldn’t be further away from the overly masculine perspective of ‘black and white’ and it should be embraced as such.

It is my belief that the world is constantly in a state of ever-increasing openness.

The ink runs… the smoke leaves the cigarette and never goes back in… two lovers under a single white sheet look into each others eyes and are transformed forever…

So where do you need to open up and let others in more deeply?

How could you be more fully seen by your partner?

Set your intention, and walk confidently in the direction of your fears.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Blog

Related

See All
How To Have Amazing Sex While Quarantining
Mar 19, 2020
Jordan Gray
How To Have Amazing Sex While Quarantining
Are you currently quarantining yourself indoors because of this whole Coronavirus/COVID-19 pandemic? And are you still a sexual being? Yes, of course you are! Regardless of the extent of self-quarantining and/or social distancing that you are currently engaging in, you are still a soft-bodied human...
Continue Reading
How Slut-Shaming Hurts Men
May 19, 2014
Jordan Gray
How Slut-Shaming Hurts Men
Have you heard of slut-shaming? It's a recent hot-topic, and with good reason. Through media, upbringing and societal pressure, women have been forced to suppress their sexual urges. This has been happening for ages and has become a widely accepted double standard. Men are allowed to have as much...
Continue Reading
Stop Lying To Yourself
Aug 18, 2017
Jordan Gray
Stop Lying To Yourself
If “the truth shall set you free”, then lying to yourself will imprison you. Adults are phenomenally adept at avoiding the truth. In fact, most of society (and the majority of social interactions in general) are founded on overt and covert lies. Enabling. Half-truths. White-lies. Whatever you want...
Continue Reading
Kill Stress, Boost Testosterone, And Have Better Sex
Feb 23, 2016
Jordan Gray
Kill Stress, Boost Testosterone, And Have Better Sex
There's a problem with how modern, western society is built up. And it's working against us. We're stressed out. We're increasingly socially isolated from each other. We are the most medicated adult cohort in human history. Our sedentary lifestyles, status-seeking culture, and improper food intake...
Continue Reading
7 Ways To Set Up Your Bedroom For Better Sex
Jul 7, 2016
Jordan Gray
7 Ways To Set Up Your Bedroom For Better Sex
Want to set up your bedroom for better sex, more relaxation, and more connection with your lover? While we can exercise our willpower to a certain extent in our lives, our environments often shape our realities to a greater degree. So instead of having to overcome the lacklustre vibe in your bedroom...
Continue Reading
69 Red Hot Foreplay Tips For A Better Sex Life
Jan 8, 2019
Jordan Gray
69 Red Hot Foreplay Tips For A Better Sex Life
Looking to optimize your foreplay abilities? Wondering how you can get your partner "in the mood" for sex more often? Want to increase the overall amount of eroticism and spice in your relationship and sex life on a daily basis (in and out of the bedroom)? This is the most comprehensive and deepest...
Continue Reading