Looking to have a passionate, dynamic sex life with your partner, without an erect penis?
You’ve come to the right place!
I’ve spent a good percentage of my life over the last decade talking to men about their penises.
For over five years, I was the #1 search result in the world for ‘how to strengthen your penis‘, and I’ve helped over 10,000 men successfully become more comfortable and confident in bed through my program Supercharge Your Sex Life (which largely centres around how to have a better relationship with your body and penis).
But one thing that I’ve yet to write about is how to have a passionate, dynamic, varied sex life without the use of an erection.
Whether a man has had too much to drink and temporarily can’t get it up… has a medical condition, had a surgery, or is on a prescribed medication that has compromised his ability to get and/or maintain a sufficient erection for penetration… or simply wants to add more tools to the sexual toolkit, this article covers all of the bases.
First, Notice What You Define As Sex
One major limiting belief of modern society’s definition of heterosexual sex is that sex is only occurring when a penis is in a vagina (or, at least, the penis is in one of its partners orifices).
Now, if a man believes that he is only having sex when he is penetrating his partner, that would put a lot of pressure on him to think that. Thinking he always needs to have sufficient blood flow to his penis to penetrate, and that the only way anything sexual can happen is if he maintains an erection is a recipe for disaster.
As I’ve said many times in the past, sex is not about performing. We all need to drop the societal script of sex being a performance that people do to/for each other. A far healthier mental model is that sex is about feeling and connection.
Again, sex is not about doing or performing… it’s about feeling and connecting.
And if there’s any residual belief in you that wants to hang on for dear life and resist this very freeing reframe, entertain this metaphor for a moment.
Think about the difference between a hammer and a symphony orchestra conductor.
A hammer is a tool, and it is really good at being a hammer. It hammers things, and doesn’t do too much else. It’s very effective at its one job, but also very limited in its range.
Whereas a symphony orchestra conductor isn’t a tool. A conductor is the maestro of musical magic who is aware of and directs all of the various moving parts of the orchestra in front of them.
And while a hammer can get a nice, simple rhythm going and it certainly gets the job done (if the job is pounding nails)… a symphony orchestra conductor makes art from his efforts that leaves the recipient in a state of euphoria and awe.
So be a symphony orchestra conductor, not a hammer.
So, with this upgraded definition as to what counts as sex, and being aware of the kind of expanded-range sex we’re aiming for, let’s get right into it.
33 Ways For Men To Have Sex Without An Erect Penis
1. Oral sex (on her)
Erection out of commission? Spend ample time going down on here.
Oral sex isn’t just ‘foreplay’ or a sexual pit stop. It can be its own meal! So make a night of it, without rushing.
2. Oral sex (on him)
Just because you can’t get fully hard (or hard at all, as the case may be) doesn’t mean that oral sex isn’t still pleasurable for you.
Allow your partner to kiss, fondle, and caress your genitals with their hands and mouth.
Remember, you can still ejaculate and have orgasms without an erection, so don’t be surprised if that ends up being the case. Just take your time, breathe deeply, and allow yourself to sink into the receiving.
3. Full body massage
Giving or receiving full body massages is also a great way to connect with your lover.
Whether you’ve taken a massage class before or not is irrelevant. Plus, there’s more than enough to get you started in this supplementary article.
4. Penis massage (also known as lingham massage)
One of the most significant and most overlooked ways of connecting is through genital massage.
A penis massage, when done correctly, is a heavenly experience that the vast majority of men have never experienced.
5. Vulva massage (also known as yoni massage)
Similarly, the vast majority of women have never experienced extended, lavished attention on their vulvas.
Many women cry tears of healing, joy, and release when they experience such focused, loving attention on this area of their bodies.
You could easily spend a dedicated evening gifting your partner with (or receiving) a penis or vulva massage.
For more, check out my article How To Give A Life Changing Yoni Massage.
6. Take a bath or shower together
Few things are more intimate than sharing a long, hot bath together.
If you have a bath large enough to accommodate both of you, or you have a shower with multiple shower heads (so one of you isn’t cold), let the water flow and connect with touch, eye contact, and conversation.
7. Manual stimulation (on her)
Use your hands on your partner. Not sure what feels best for her? Ask. Or, better yet, if she’s willing to show you, have her demonstrate to you how she touches herself, and then model that behaviour.
8. Manual stimulation (on him)
Remember, men can have orgasms and ejaculate without a fully erect penis, or even partially erect penis. So just because your penis isn’t as engorged as it once was doesn’t mean that it can’t still enjoy pleasure through manual stimulation.
9. Engage in spoiling sessions
A spoiling session is a dedicated period of time where you or your partner gets to ask for whatever you want (sexually/intimately/romantically, etc.) within your partners boundaries and abilities.
The receiver gets to practice asking for what they want, moment to moment, and the provider gets to be in reverence to their partner’s pleasure and joy.
This practice has been a multi-year favourite for many of my clients, especially those in long-term relationships.
I wrote a deep dive article on spoiling sessions that you can find here.
10. Do the swirl technique when you touch her body
Most men touch their partners in a boring, predictable, repetitive, linear pattern. Enter: the swirl technique!
During your sexual connecting, use the swirl technique to keep her nerve endings guessing (swirling your hands around lightly in an unpredictable, non-linear way over various parts of the whole body). This style of touching makes your partner’s nerve endings crave being chosen next and builds rapid sexual tension and anticipation.
11. Discuss (and engage in) your sexual fantasies with each other
No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, it’s highly likely that there are certain sexual taboos that you have yet to disclose to each other.
One of the most effective ways to expand your sexual repertoire is to disclose these sexual fantasies with your partner, and then see which ones you’d be willing to engage in with each other.
Naughty nurse? Spoiled brat? Teacher/student? The options are endless.
Talking about sex can be difficult, but there are tools you can use to make it easier.
For help with this, check out my articles How To Figure Out What Your Ideal Sex Life Looks Like, and 5 Questions To Ask Your Partner For Better Sex.
12. Kiss/nibble/bite her neck
There are a lot of erogenous zones on the human body. For many, the ear/neck/inner shoulder area is incredibly sensitive.
Spend some time sending shivers down your partner’s side by spending some time necking, just like you did when you were younger.
13. Give her a foot massage
A good foot massage is as good as sex.
The recipient gets to feel penetrated, pampered, and cared for by the hands of their partner.
Not sure where to start? Pick up a book on reflexology or look up the various pressure points on the foot.
14. Use a vibrator on her
Many women have an easier time reaching orgasm with a vibrator. If you’ve never experimented with a vibrator before, now would be a good time to try one out. You can read an article/review about the most popular style of vibrator here.
15. Use a vibrator on him
Vibrators aren’t just for use by women either! Many men experience great pleasure from vibrators, whether they’re being used on or around the genitals, testicles, anus, or anywhere else on the body as a massager.
16. Give her an extended hand massage
If you’ve ever had a headache and received a good hand massage, you’ll know how much of an immediate positive effect it has on you.
Just like a foot massage, there are reflexology points on the hand that, when massaged, do wonders for your relaxation and mood.
Cuddling for extended periods of time releases oxytocin (often affectionately referred to as the love hormone), and just feels good. Fulfill the fundamental human need of touch by spending ample time cuddling. Big spoon or little spoon? Your choice.
18. Extended make-out sessions
Was there a time in your life when you hadn’t yet been explicitly ‘sexual’ with a partner yet but you had kissed a lot? Well, that time doesn’t have to be over. Kissing releases oxytocin, makes you healthier, and gives your face a workout.
19. Extended sensual, loving touch
As a society, our sexual practices are far too genital focused. As a result, the majority of our bodies often get ignored and are chronically under-touched.
Set aside some time to lightly touch all of your partner’s body (using the swirl technique, described above).
20. Loving touch and verbal praise
Kick the previous point into overdrive by verbally praising your partner while you do it. Tell them all of the things you love about their body, their character, their heart, and how they show up in the world. Or, have them do the same for you. This practice is sure to make anyone feel deeply seen, appreciated, and loved-up.
21. Engage in intimate touch more often throughout the day
While extending touch sessions that run for an hour or more are super beneficial to a relationship, you shouldn’t ignore the power of adding in moments of brief, loving, sexual touch throughout the day.
If you’re in a stage of relationship where this is a comfortable thing to engage in, grab their butt when you walk by them… lightly kiss their neck when they’re doing the dishes… have her brush her hand over your genitals through your pants occasionally in the day time. Keep the sexual simmer alive day to day by letting your hands communicate, ‘You are my lover… and I love you.’
22. Engage in physical nurturance via cradling
Many of us, men and women alike, didn’t get the kind of deep nurturance and parenting that we would have loved to have received in childhood, and this can result in an underlying sense of a lack of ease day to day. One way to send some love to our inner child is to receive physical nurturance via being cradled by our partner.
Simply have your partner sit comfortably, and allow your head/upper torso to be cradled lovingly by them. If this brings up some hesitation, nervousness, or even outright fear, then it could be a sign that your inner child is desperately craving such sweet, tender touch. Whether you are cradled (or you cradle your partner) for three minutes, or for an hour is up to you. And it is not uncommon for the cradling recipient to release some tears of grief and/or sadness while being cradled. What could possibly be more beautiful and intimate.
23. Put her head on your lap and run your fingers through her hair
Another way to intimately connect is to run your fingers through your partners hair. Some people absolutely love this, so check in with your partner to see if this is something they would find nourishing.
24. Give her an extended breast massage
Breast massage is another beautiful, nourishing way to gift your partner with touch.
If you’ve never heard of breast massage for, you can either look up a guide online, or you can watch a video demonstration of me doing it in my video course for men, Total Sexual Mastery, which can currently be purchased as an add-on with my Supercharge Your Sex Life course.
25. Experiment with some light bondage
If you’ve never played with intentionally polarizing your sexual play with light bondage, then now could be a good time to start.
You can (with consent) tie your partner’s wrists and/or feet to the corners of your bed frame, and see how the energy shifts when you do.
26. Go belly to belly and sync your breathing
You can feel incredibly connected to your partner by gently pressing your bare bellies together and syncing up your breathing for several minutes. Generally, whoever has the smaller body (and therefore, most likely has the smaller lungs) should originally set the pace of the breathing, and then the masculine practitioner should continue at that pace of breath.
27. Practice extended eye gazing
Some of the deepest, most intimate moments I have had with my partner have been when we’ve engaged in extended eye gazing practices. If you’ve never done this practice before, it could feel a bit strange for the first couple of minutes.
28. Engage in deeper communication with a clearing exercise
One of the most significant things that gets in the way of our feeling connected to our partner is the small, residual moments that get swept under the proverbial rug throughout our relationship. A clearing exercise is the most effective way to clear out the cobwebs and come back to being in a place of connection. In essence, a clearing exercise is sitting across from your partner, and taking turns completing the sentence stem, “Something I want you to know is…”, over and over until you feel complete, and then your partner has their turn. You can read more about different iterations of the clearing exercise by clicking here.
29. Use a dildo
There will be times when your partner (be they a men or woman) simply wants to have the experience of being filled and penetrated by something. Enter: dildos!
There’s a broad market of dildos that you can buy in the world… some made of body-safe plastic, others made of glass, or obsidian. If your partner doesn’t have a dildo that they already love, you can make a date out of going shopping with them to find the right one.
30. Use a strap on dildo
If you want to be more physically involved with the dildo usage and using your hands (either to hold the dildo, or hold the vibrator for them while they use the dildo) isn’t cutting it for you, you can try using a strap-on.
You can either get a strap-on dildo that is already connected to its harness, or you can pick up a dedicated strap-on harness so that you can interchange different dildos for various moods.
Some men that I’ve talked to have even reported a surprising sense of freedom that came from being able to thrust away with the strap-on and not needing to worry about if/when they were going to ejaculate – so don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it. It could open up a world of possibilities for you and your partner’s sex life.
31. Engage your senses fully (food, music, scent, etc.)
Just like sex is generally too genital-focused, it is also too touch focused, to the exclusion of the other senses.
Put on a sex playlist of music that you both love while engaging in your sensual play. Have delicious snacks prepped and ready to go to feed each other. Play with different essential oil scents or wear each other’s favourite cologne/perfume to engage your sense of smell.
Make your sexual play a more full-bodied, sensual experience, and you’ll never interact sexually in the same way again.
32. Give her a scalp/head massage
Instead of just running your fingers through her hair gently, consider giving a deeper pressure scalp massage. These can feel heavenly when done right. Spend ample time massaging the neck, temples, and applying equal pressure to both sides of the scalp when you’re using both hands simultaneously.
If you’ve never given one before, make sure to check in on what kind of pressure your partner wants to receive from you.
33. Write and share lists of things that you love about each other
Regardless of whether or not words of affirmation is one of your partner’s primary love languages, everyone loves to hear nice things about themselves.
Spend some time (this could be a dedicated sit down of an hour, or something you slowly accumulate over days/weeks) writing down all of the things that you love about your partner, while they do the same. Then, sit down and share your lists. You can either take turns reading them out loud to each other, or you can physically swap your lists and read what they wrote – whichever feels more exciting and pleasurable for you.
Remember To Have Fun!
Not everything on this list will appeal to you or your partner, but if one or several of them do, then make sure to make them a priority in your sex life sooner than later. Ideas are one thing, but they only become useful when they are put into action.
A quick note: some couples object to sex toys and/or oral sex, and that’s just fine. No one should ever feel pressured to engage in any sexual act that doesn’t appeal to them. This is also, by no means, an exhaustive list. There are as many options of sexual acts to engage in as there are sexual preferences in the world (which is billions).
Experiment, communicate with your partner, and above all else, have fun!
Dedicated to your success,
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