Looking to optimize your foreplay abilities? Wondering how you can get your partner “in the mood” for sex more often? Want to increase the overall amount of eroticism and spice in your relationship and sex life on a daily basis (in and out of the bedroom)?
This is the most comprehensive and deepest dive into foreplay that you’ll find outside the shelves of an erotic bookstore. We’ll talk about what foreplay is (because it’s most likely not what you think), the biggest foreplay secret that no one talks about, what successful couples do, and a boatload of tips you can use to create epic sexual charge on demand.
But real-world foreplay isn’t all dirty talk and scented candles. This conversation is going to cover ground you won’t find in all the bullshit click-bait articles out there, because your sex life doesn’t exist in a vacuum – it’s tied to everything else in your life.
Warning: as tempting as it might be, don’t just skip to the tips at the end, looking for a “quick fix”. If you don’t understand the real underlying mechanics of what foreplay really is, you’re fooling yourself if you expect to be effective and make any real changes. If you want to do this well, you need to revolutionize the way you look at foreplay, and understand what makes it function optimally. Cool? Cool.
What Is Foreplay?
As you can see when you simply look at the word, foreplay suggests something that comes “before play”, or before sex. Now, I don’t subscribe to the idea that there is a “before” and “during” sex, there’s just… sex.
But Western society likes to overly compartmentalize and break things down in to bits and pieces. So, when we think of “sex”, the hetero association tends to be to straight up penetration, or two people panting and rolling in the sheets.
In reality, the edges of sex bleed into every domain of life. What literally comes before the physical act might be a steamy comment, drinks, or sexy lingerie, but the full scope of foreplay goes waaay beyond that.
Yes, foreplay includes the little comments and touches you use to spark anticipation as you pass by them that morning (or the day before, or a week before), to the texts you send, the way you keep your home, the music you fill it with, and how you design the layout of your dates.
But foreplay also includes the way you listen to your partner and hold space, or the things you do in anticipation to make their day, like brewing coffee in the morning. It’s the way you take care of your body. It’s the energy you carry in your walk and your voice as you move through the world, and how you feel about your own life as an individual.
Your entire life is foreplay. Every habit and behaviour that makes up your lifestyle has an impact on the level of sensuality and sexuality you experience. You won’t be as drawn to having sex if you’re not feeling sexy in your own body first.
Why Is Foreplay Important?
To cultivate a successful sex life, you need to make this mental shift to include foreplay as a part of sex, and expand your definition of what it is. Foreplay is a thread running through the sexual continuum, and its presence or absence has the power to make or break your relationship.
The quality and energetic tone of the climactic sex session is informed by what came before it, and how it was set up. There are times where it’s necessary to have slow sex, and there are times where you need to get dirty and unleash the beast. Foreplay is how you set the stage for any such scenario.
But it’s utility extends far beyond setting up the level of intensity and kind of sex you’re in the mood for. Foreplay is what keeps a sex life alive and well.
In the early days of your relationship, it’s easy to accidentally stumble onto hot sex on your way from the living room to the kitchen. It just… happens. It’s non-verbally assumed that every time you spend the night together you’ll be all hot and bothered and ready to hook up. But this dynamic changes sharply after the honeymoon phase ends (generally, for most couples, somewhere between 2-18 months). And it’s not because you’re bored of each other.
In a good relationship, as your bond deepens, your physical attraction begins to get eclipsed by your heart connection. You develop a deep affection and sense of caring for each other that is relatively less sexual. This type of love is called companionship.
This is where the silliest sides of you begin to come out. You start letting go of the “try-to-be-sexy-all-the-time” act. You feel completely safe around each other and show your most vulnerable sides. You start spending more unstructured time together and tackling the basic domestic details of life.
This is a beautiful stage in the evolution of intimacy, but it changes your relationship in several ways.
Sexual tension is no longer omnipresent. It can ebb and flow on short notice. It begins to take more conscious effort to build that sexual vibe and spark passionate lovemaking, where you’re hungrily engrossed in the moment, rather than casually blurting out random stream-of-consciousness thoughts about the week ahead like, “Oh, don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow.”
The Biggest Foreplay Secret Nobody Talks About
There’s something you won’t find in any mainstream discussions about foreplay. We can already guess that foreplay requires a few basic things: desire, creativity and a little courage.
To take initiative and push for some sexy time, there first has to be a hunger for it. Then, you need to find/create possibilities to sexualize moments in your day and express that intent. To do that, it sometimes takes courage to put yourself out there and get the ball rolling, because there’s a real possibility it might not go anywhere, at least right away.
But here’s the real, not-so-sexy secret that’s absolutely crucial to great foreplay and a super hot sex life…
Ready?
…
Self care.
Now hold on. This isn’t some soft, fluffy B.S. This is a serious, disciplined commitment to yourself that’s rooted in science of the brain, body, and human relationship.
Foreplay is a dance of sexualized playfulness that emerges from states of neurophysiological (brain/body) health and happiness.
Eroticism doesn’t start between you – it starts within you.
In other words – to turn someone else on, you have to start by turning yourself on.
By “turning yourself on”, I don’t mean getting wet or masturbating. I mean feeling emotionally ignited, lit up and passionate about who you are and what you do with your time.
If you really want a better sex life and more active foreplay, you and your partner need to start by taking better care of yourselves and growing as individuals, not just asking “What’s the thing I can say/wear to make them want to have sex tonight?”
Feeling passionate, excited, and sexual starts with your own internal sense of health and aliveness.
How Stress Is Killing Your Sex Life
We usually make foreplay all about what we can do to turn on the other person. But to first be connected to that initial sexual hunger, and switch to expressing the intent, you have to be in a relaxed, rejuvenated state. The pace and constant stressors of modern life certainly doesn’t help.
When your nervous system is heavily taxed (i.e. stressed out, or exhausted) you don’t have the resources or capacity to be fully social and erotic. It becomes really hard to shift gears to a sensual mindset, and you won’t be able to access your saucier, sensual side.
In an over-worked nervous system, there is very little room for sexual arousal. Your brain is running in survival mode, or ‘high alert’. This totally changes your behaviour and the way you think. What ends up dominating your headspace is the mountain of tasks you have to tackle, and the problems you have to solve, or what else could go wrong in the future.
You don’t feel like you can afford the time to daydream and think up sexy things to say and do when you get home later on. You’re just trying to manage real and/or perceived threats.
This is part of the reason why experts say stress kills your libido. If you’re chronically burned out and working hard, your baseline cortisol levels become elevated over time. This not only means your body isn’t releasing enough of the right sex hormones to get your engine running, but it even steals from stocks of other valuable hormones like testosterone so that your adrenal glands can make more cortisol.
All the while, “non-essential” systems like digestion and immunity are taken offline, so the body can focus more of its energy on basic things like breathing, blood flow, and attention.
On top of that, we get lower quality sleep and make shitty food choices when we’re stressed out. This creates a negative feedback loop and our health spirals downward at an ever-quickening rate.
So whether you’re looking to be better at initiating foreplay, or responding to it, you have to start by being in a good state of health and actually feeling sexy in your body. This involves real physical, emotional, and psychological work. It’s not a spa day quick fix. Although spa days can always help.
And this is why your partner should also take on their own self-care practices. Because what good is cultivating a more erotic mind and body, and working on foreplay, if they won’t be able to properly respond and engage with you from that new place of rest, rejuvenation, and arousal?
Lead by example. Taking better care of yourself, and building new positive habits and goals, naturally nudges the other person into wanting to step up as well. In a minute, we’ll address having an open conversation with your partner about working on foreplay together.
Getting ‘In The Zone’ For Foreplay
Before jumping in to any of the final 69 foreplay tips, you (and your partner) need to practice managing your stress levels and bettering yourselves.
Here are a few things you can start doing this week to prime your mind and body to get in the sweet spot to engage in foreplay that is fun, fulfilling – and most importantly – sustainable.
Doing things alone is healthy, but some of these can be acts of foreplay in themselves when done together.
– Buy a yoga pass (especially focus on yin and restorative classes)
– Try floatation therapy
– Get a therapeutic or deep tissue massage
– Take daily naps
– Replace fast food with nutrient dense prepped meals, smoothies and healthier alternatives
– Download a meditation app
– Spend some time in steam rooms/infrared saunas on a weekly basis
– Get better sleep with blackout curtains, new pillows, and sleep-enhancing supplements (ashwagandha, magnesium bisglycinate, etc.)
– Get vigorous exercise regularly
– Actively cross items off a ‘to-do’ list
– Let go of projects and take on less work
If you’re newer to my writing, or to the themes of self-care and taking personal responsibility in your life, you might want to check out/bookmark these articles to read some time in the near future:
– Being A Healthy, Balanced Adult Is Sexy As Fuck
– If You Don’t Want To Be A Loser, Stop Entertaining Loser Thoughts
– 21 Of The Best Self-Care Practices Ever
Taking on some of these stress reduction practices will bring your body and mind more into balance. Which will give you extra bandwidth to take on part two…
Pursuing Your Individual Passions
In her book, Mating In Captivity, Esther Perel explores the relationship between intimacy and eroticism. After doing thousands of hours of couple’s therapy, she found that closeness (intimacy) and routine often kills erotic charge and sexual interest in the long run.
Without conscious work, and occasional discomfort, couples risk drifting into a sexless, BFF’s type situation.
This is why it’s important to continue feeding into your own life, and do the things that matter to you as an individual. The feeling of eroticism, Perel says, is spiked when partners experience each other at a distance, truly as “others” and in their element.
Eroticism is novelty, movement, that which can’t be had. Chasing those things within yourself makes you feel more authentic and self-expressed, which ultimately makes you super attractive to other people. Creating those qualities in your own lives first allows you to extend out and create them between the two of you (or the several of you, if you’re in a poly setup).
To help start you on your path of building personal eroticism, try answering these questions:
– What do you love to do that you’ve stopped making time for?
– What would you want to do/try regardless of your relationship status?
– What are you giving your time away to that makes you feel stagnant, strained, and uninspired?
– What can you say “No” to that will create feelings of expansion and freedom in your heart?
– What do you need to do before you die?
To compound on this, ‘fly solo’ and start doing fun things on your own, like taking trips, hikes, classes, workshops, etc. This creates a healthy feeling of distance between you and your partner, which charges the sexual dynamic. Doing these activities with other friends is fine, too, it just needs to be about you.
We can only water a garden with the water that we have… so go off and fetch a pale of water (your own energy) by doing things that metaphorically fill your bucket.
Moving Your Care From ‘Self’ To ‘Other’: Studies of Couples & Foreplay
When you begin to dial in your own self care game, you can more effectively focus on levelling up how you show up in your relationship.
John Gottman, an American researcher (basically the great grandfather of the relationship research industry), started a “love lab” at the University of Washington, to study the behaviour of couples. After some time, he found that they could predict the fate of a couple with near total accuracy, just by watching a few minutes of video footage. The prediction was based on the vocal tone, facial expressions, and communication styles of both people.
Since then, he turned the lab’s focus on what makes a great sex life in long-term couples. It turns out it came down to some very simple things. These findings were backed up by a group of authors who collaborated to write a book called, The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples, which involved their surveys of almost 100,000 people in over 24 countries, about what makes the difference in long-term love.
What is it that makes a couple’s sex life boom or bust? Here are a few common traits found in couples who had dysfunctional or non-existent sex lives:
1. Spend very little time together during a typical week (~35 minutes)
2. Talk mostly about their to-do lists and workload
3. Make everything else a priority over the relationship (work/child/friends)
4. Don’t talk about their deeper feelings or sex life
5. Are unintentional about turning toward one another
Compare those against some traits of couples who report having robust sex lives:
1. They say “I love you” every day, and mean it
2. They kiss one another passionately for no reason
3. They give surprise romantic gifts
4. They are physically affectionate, even in public
5. They keep playing and having fun together
6. They can talk comfortably about their sex life
7. They have weekly dates
8. They are mindful about turning toward each other
Foreplay, according to Gottman and the authors of The Normal Bar, isn’t strip teasing or polishing up a new dildo (okay… they didn’t say those words, exactly), it’s as simple as putting away the dishes and paying heartfelt compliments to your lover. In other words, being kind, present, and loving.
The common factors among couples with rich sex lives are active demonstrations of thoughtfulness, conscious effort to stay in communication, and experiencing playful novelty together.
People’s relationships and sex lives often degrade because they stop courting each other. They feel like they’ve secured a stable relationship, and no longer sense the importance of putting in the effort. This drop off usually starts happening when that effort is needed the most.
Moral of the story: at first, the pacifying and uplifting effects of falling in love can single-handedly carry your sex life. Passion is automatic. You forget about your troubles and feel excited by the mere presence of the other person. But after a while, you need to manually stoke the fire, and that process starts within yourself.
How To Liberate Your Sexual Energy
For the saucier side of foreplay, you need to have fluid and mobilized sexual energy. If you’re not practicing expressing it, it will stagnate the same way that unused muscles atrophy.
Awakening and getting in touch with your sexual energy allows you to inject it into ordinary moments via flirtation, touches, comments, and sexting.
Most people are comfortable with light sexual energy, which is playful, explorative, passive, curious, and loving.
What really pours gas on the fire is dark sexual energy, which is more dominant, in control, selfish, and aggressive.
Work on striking a balance between the two and you’ll be able to generate an endless fountain of juicy foreplay opportunities.
Getting Honest & Talking About It
Depending on what the state of your sex life is, you might need to have a deep dive conversation with your partner about bringing more foreplay into your relationship. Just throwing in a new sexy gesture might not be enough to get the engine running. Sometimes there are lifestyle changes and radically honest conversations needed on both sides to clear some blocks and help cultivate more eroticism.
If you’re going to do this, you need to be completely honest with them. To do that, you first have to be honest with yourself. Answer these questions:
– Do you feel sexy in your body?
– Do you think your partner finds you sexy? If not, is it a projection of your own negative self-esteem, deep down, or have they said/done something to indicate that they don’t find you attractive?
– Do you find your partner sexy? If not, why?
– Are you comfortable speaking sexually/dirty? If not, why?
– Do you have any limiting stories about your sex life, your collective sexual potential, or each other?
– Do you have any fears about taking risks and making sexual advances with your partner? What’s behind them?
Not every answer is something you need to share with them. Some of it is just clearing out the blocks in your own mind that could be causing problems.
For example, anger towards your partner for not making enough of an effort could just be rooted in your own fears about not feeling sexy, desirable, or loveable. Taking responsibility for having a negative body image, or sexual insecurities, totally transforms the conversation from attacking them to being vulnerable and compassionate.
Acknowledge your soft spots and insecurities, rather than allowing them to create stories and more issues.
Plus, many of the harsher judgments and criticisms we have about our partner, or their bodies, are just projections of the shitty things we tend to ruminate on in our own negative self talk. It’s easier to put those mean things onto someone else, rather than face into our own minds and deal with the root issue.
This is all part of the inner work we each need to do heal and reactivate our sexuality.
When you do get around to voicing what you want, you can avoid feeling upset or making it awkward by using constructive, positive statements about what you want like, “I want to make you feel sexy, and I’d love to feel more sexy. Let’s have fun with this!”, or “I would love to feel more connected and sexy with you”, instead of “You don’t put in the effort”, or “Our sex life sucks”.
Tell them what you find sexy about them, and what they do that drives you wild. If you have a clear image of something you’d love for them to do, say it! It takes out the guesswork and makes it way easier for them to meet your needs.
Tactfully talking straight up about foreplay serves several purposes:
– It brings them on board emotionally to co-create a new dynamic with you, which exponentially improves your results and speeds up the process
– It alerts them of your intentions and desires, which makes it easier for them to mindfully recognize when you’re making an effort, and increases the chances of them responding in a positive way.
Speaking positively about the issue further encourages both of you to feel excited and build into this, rather than triggering feelings of shame and insufficiency with a negative approach. If your relationship needs work and your partner is unwilling to do it… you might have an entirely different problem on your hands.
Finally, you NEED to positively reinforce each other!
Unless we tell them, our partners are totally oblivious to the things that really turn us on. They can’t consciously repeat the behaviour, or build on it, if they don’t know what it is. Nor can they read our minds (as much as we may want them to when it comes to certain needs).
So, when your partner does something that turns you on, or demonstrates effort in trying something new, praise them and incentivize them to keep doing it. This is especially important when it comes to acts and behaviours around sexual intimacy. For most people, there is no other place where we feel more vulnerable.
69 Red Hot Foreplay Tips For Men And Women
Alright! Now that you’ve gone through a crash course on the fundamental building blocks of foreplay, let’s get into creative things you can do to spark the mood.
After a certain point of research in any person’s journey, tips like ‘practice some dirty talk’, ‘nibble their ear a little’, or ‘make out for longer than you’re used to’ don’t tend to land as powerfully. You already know what the basic foreplay tips are. This isn’t your first rodeo.
A good number of these tips will not be conventional, or what you’d expect to hear from an article on foreplay. Remember, foreplay is about priming your mind, body and relationship to be in a sexualized state, where acts of foreplay will arise naturally.
There are 20 foreplay tips for men, 20 for women, and 29 for both/either person (69 in total, because, come on, how could I not have it be that number?).
Foreplay Tips For Men
Remember, the best real-time guide as to what your partners sexual needs are is her body, breath, words, and overall sexual responsiveness. Slow down… listen… and respond to the signals she puts out. Foreplay is a dance, and the best dancers are the ones who dance with their partners, not at their partners.
1. Stop watching porn
Naturally boost your foreplay IQ by taking a break from pornography. Chronic porn use kills your sex drive by wiring your brain for hyper-stimulation and novelty, which a flesh-and-blood human can never provide. You’re also training yourself to be lazy and seek automatic, effortless sexual payoff.
You stop looking at your life and your partner with the attention and creativity necessary to build sexual tension. All this isn’t even taking into consideration the negative impacts on your erections and sexual stamina. Women may be able to benefit from this practice as well, but the stats show an addiction pandemic heavily slanted toward males, so I’m only putting it in this section.
2. Try cutting out masturbation
Take things a step further and commit to the full NOP/NOM experiment (no porn, no masturbation). Refraining from self-pleasure only amplifies the same benefits from cutting out porn. Watch your organic interest in your partner and ability to build sexual experiences shoot through the roof in just a week or more.
3. Take up a martial arts class
There’s nothing women find sexier than a man who is in touch with his darker, beast energy, which is something they pick up subconsciously. Before your next date, try hitting a class in boxing, jiu-jitsu, karate, etc. There’s something that happens to a man when he works on making his body into a controlled and potent weapon. You will leave walking with your head high and feeling like an animal.
4. Lift heavy weights
Boost your sex hormones and psychology by lifting weights and getting regular cardiovascular exercise. Putting time in at the squat rack is an incredibly fast way to work your largest muscle groups, while tapping into your deep, dark beast mode energy. This should be a regular habit to grease the gears of your sensual mind, but it’s a great pre-date ritual as well.
Personally, nothing has moved the needle for me more in my libido levels than committing to going to the gym every week.
5. Give her an erotic massage
Tell her you want to take care of her and have a session focused entirely on her pleasure. Set the scene and start with a full body massage, before moving to teasing and massaging around and inside her vagina. Use tons of oil and go very, very slow. Take as long as you can before touching her clitoris or vaginal opening directly. Follow my in depth walkthrough (article, video) to leave her speechless.
6. Bust out the neckties for some light bondage
Spice things up by tying her down/up a little bit. In the morning, or any time you like, wrap a necktie around the back of her neck or waist and pull her into you. Kiss her and tell her you want to use it later to strap her wrists together. This takes some assertiveness and dark sexual energy to pull off well, but it’s damn effective when you do.
(Here are some more BDSM/kink inspired sex tips you can try on as well.)
7. Dress well
Put some effort and pride into your appearance. Press your shirts, get things tailored, and go spend a chunk of change at a nice clothing store on a new outfit. It’s all part of boosting your personal confidence and showing her you care about how you present yourself.
8. Roll the sexual highlight reel
Review your sexiest moments and memories. Get her talking and describing her favourite times and what she would like to repeat. This kind of conversation will capture her imagination and get you both feeling sensual in your bodies. Use this as a conversational tool while on the town to build steam for playtime later on.
9. Give her a foot massage
We often think about massaging the shoulders and back, but the feet are gateways to tons of stress and pressure points. Plus, have you ever tried on women’s shoes? They’re ridiculous. Sit her down, grab a little oil, and get her talking about what’s up for her. Don’t even think about sex while you do it. Just extend your heart, listen, and she’ll be a puddle of grateful goo in no time.
10. Take libido-boosting supplements
There are so many natural supplements available to boost your sex drive (like maca root, ashwaghanda, pine pollen, etc.) This will foundationally change the way you think about and behave toward your partner, and increase your motivation to create sexual experiences. When I take a few capsules of elk velvet antler, I feel like I either need to ejaculate or go for a long run before I can fall asleep that night. Check out a full list here for more detailed suggestions.
11. Be chivalrous
There’s a big difference between being a weak push over and being a gentleman. When it makes sense for you to do so, powerfully choose to take the lead and take care of her. Open doors, pull out chairs, look after the little things. The simplest acts of kindness and leadership will turn her on more than you might imagine.
12. Work around the clit
Don’t go right for the hot spot off the bat. Slowly apply pressure and tease the areas surrounding her vagina. Massage the clitoral bulbs that run down either side of her opening. Imagine your erotic touch is like warming cold water to a boil on the stove. Gently. Slowly. Take your time. Anticipation and teasing is often more erotic than having and experiencing.
13. Take her to a fancy cocktail bar
Set a date and tell her to dress for the red carpet. Pick her up and take her to an upscale bar with great ambience for a stellar cocktail. She will love getting ready for your date, being taken care of, and the mystery of not knowing what you have planned. And yes, a date night is allowed to be this simple. You don’t need to splurge $400 on a fancy dinner. A surprise evening where you take the lead is more than enough to throw a sexy dash of novelty into your relationship.
14. Kiss her collarbone
Spend time travelling the less-worn path of the female body. Places like the collarbone are incredibly sensual and feel amazing to have kissed and licked. This alone will make her feel cared for and aroused. Most guys stick to touching the ass, groin, and breasts. You aren’t most guys (otherwise you wouldn’t still be reading this far into the article).
Collarbone… ears… neck… shoulders. Again, take your time. Savour your beautiful partner. Kiss, nibble, and touch all regions of her physical body.
15. Set her up with a romantic bath/shower
Create a solo experience for her to relax and unwind. Tell her it’s just for her, while you’re busy making dinner or preparing a hot oil sensual massage for her for after. Get the scents right, light some candles, and ask if she’d like a drink. Such a simple selfless act inspires tons of love and attraction.
16. Remind her that she is supported
Make an opportunity to let her know you have her back and that she’s supported. You want what’s best for her, and nobody fucks with your girl. Mean it. Deep down, even if she’s a total boss-babe badass, she is still a person and therefore wants to feel safe and taken care of. Women have teared up when I’ve said this to them.
17. Grab a fistful of hair
At your time of choice, firmly run your fingers upward from her neck into the thick of her hair, firmly grasp a handful and then make a fist so that her hair gets pulled while the back of her head/neck is still supported against your knuckles. You’re not looking to yank the hair down and give her whiplash. It’s a subtle act of dominance that feels great for her on multiple levels. Turn it up a notch by pairing it with a heavy kiss, bite/lick on the neck, or line of your choice.
18. Keep coconut oil within arms reach
For massages, always have an easy-to-access stash of coconut oil. Lathering up for a hand or breast massage is wildly sensual. Customize your own lubes and oil by warming a pan with low heat and adding a few drops of essential oils.
Side note: coconut oil can cause latex to break, so don’t use coconut oil as a lubricant (or massage oil) if you’re about to be manhandling a condom… since breakage is much more likely if your hands are covered in oil. It also isn’t ideal as a lubricant because it can disrupt the vaginas natural pH balance and cause yeast infections for women who are already prone to them.
19. Be her personal chef
Don’t let her touch a single ingredient or prep utensil. The only thing she gets to handle is a wine glass (if she drinks) or your body (if she feels like it). Let her watch while you chat her up and prepare the meal. Set the mood with lighting and music. Pull out all of the stops. Make her the most delicious, impressive meal that you can muster. Bonus points if you haven’t made her that meal before (because uniqueness, novelty, and originality is half of the fun).
20. Plan a day of mystery
Take notes on things you’d love to do together, or what she’s been talking about, and plan a whole day of stops and experiences to guide her along. Tell her nothing except what to wear and what to bring. She will melt at the level of thoughtfulness required. Build it around tickets to a concert, something playful, a nice dinner, that yoga class she’s been wanting to check out, etc.
Foreplay Tips For Women
You’ve got an advantage when it comes to foreplay. Generally speaking, men are quicker to reach sexual readiness than women, so you don’t have to worry so much about whether or not he’ll be receptive. He’ll usually be responsive to a direct pass, rather than needing a little time and emotional setup to feel responsive. If there’s something seriously wrong going on in his life, or he’s really stressed, lead more with the care taking/relaxation approach.
1. Ask directly
Simply extending a direct request of your man to ravage you is deceptively powerful. It asks you to step into your sexual energy, while openly communicating that you want him. I’ve had many male clients over the last decade tell me that they would initiate sex with their wives so much more frequently if they were confident that they wouldn’t be (in their words) “rejected”.
Men want to feel strong, doubtless, and safe in their advances. A direct invitation allows him to feel all those things, while eliminating the risk of feeling rejected or pathetic if you’re not in the mood.
Tell him what you want in person while touching him, or text him a sexy thought and ask if he has time later to make your fantasy a reality (see my articles on dirty talk on sexting for inspiration). Choose a time later in the week if you have busy schedules and need to plan ahead.
2. Take a pilates/barre class before your dates
When it comes to hormones, confidence, and stress reduction, exercise is just as important for women as it is for men.
Barre classes are the latest trend among women for good reason. They combine flexibility and strength training with pilates and ballet barre work, to tone the body and create a sense of poise. This helps you feel sexier from week to week as a regular practice, and also serves as a great way to get in the zone for a date.
3. The package grab
A time-tested classic. This move is particularly effective in places where you can’t do anything sexual (i.e. restaurants, shopping, movie theatre, etc). Use your fingers to delicately trace a slow line up his inner thigh, and softly, but firmly, squeeze his package. His head just might explode. The more public the place, the greater the anticipation and naughtiness factor.
3. Develop a transitioning ritual
To shift out of work mode, feel more sensual, and in your body, find a few things you can do that make you feel relaxed and playful. It could be turning on some music, dancing, singing, putting on a dress, creating art or food, doing yoga, etc. Anything that facilitates the shift from masculine “doing” energy to more feminine “being” energy. This shift in polarity sets the stage for foreplay to more naturally occur.
4. Give him an erotic massage
Not many guys would feel comfortable going to a real massage parlour, but that doesn’t mean pretty much every last one of them doesn’t want the experience. “My lover wants to rub my body down with oil and then massage my penis to ejaculation? Are you kidding me? Sign me up!” – screams the collective male consciousness.
Take your time and have fun with the process. Encourage him to breathe… be in his body… and simply focus on his pleasure.
I have had female clients report that their man started crying during this process. It is often a rare occurrence for men to receive such focused physical attention… so yes, emotions may flow. Love him through it, just as he hopefully would for you if some emotional residue arose during your lovemaking.
5. Moaning and sensual breathing
Men are extremely instinctually responsive to sound. This is why women in porn lay it on so thick. We don’t have time to go into the evolutionary reasons for this one (TL;DR: ‘Is there an impending threat to the tribe? KILL IT!’), but trust me. Make a small effort to turn it up a little when you’re making out, and notice his response. Or, to initiate, simply walk up behind him, put your arms around his shoulders, kiss his ear, sigh, and let out a raspy, “mmmm”. His engine will be roaring and ready to go. Plus, breathing mindfully and sounding during sexual play also helps you to circulate your pleasure in your body and to enrich your own sexual experience. Win-win!
5. Compliment his cock
Deep down, every guy is at least a little obsessed with his penis, and wants his partner to love it. In your own way, touch his thigh and tell him you’ve had his member on your mind and say what you love about it, and what it does for you. He’ll love you for it. This doesn’t need to be a regular occurrence. If you’re in a long-term relationship, literally once a year or so is better than nothing.
6. Take a blowjob class
There are private workshops and classes in most major cities on sexuality and the art of pleasure. Attending one not only increases your individual sexual IQ, but will also have you trying something new and building a sense of the erotic in your own life, which you can bring back to share with your partner. Just knowing you’re making the time to go will drive him wild. Tell him you can’t wait to come back and try out your newly expanded skill set afterward. I’m sure it’ll be homework he’d be happy to help you with.
7. Watch porn with him
Unless you or your partner have a serious problem with pornography, it can be an incredible fire starter. Porn is something most men watch, to some degree, and tend to do so privately. For them, bringing the taboo out into the open and getting to share the experience with their partner is exhilarating. You can either ask him what kind of porn he watches, watch it together, and then ask him what he specifically likes about it (to get a broader understanding of his sexual preferences)… or find a clip or two that you adore, and go through the same process with him so he can learn more about you. Or, you know, both of those things. There’s lots of time left in your life. Might as well become mutual experts on you and your partners arousal triggers.
8. Grind him up at a venue that has dancing
Couples rarely go to bars and clubs together. While out for drinks, head to a venue you’d enjoy dancing at. In the crowd, you get to be anonymous, while getting close to each other, free to touch, grab and kiss. To deliver the knockout punch, turn around and grind on him a bit. Work the hips and slide up and down. Any straight guy will be left trying to hide his erection at that point.
9. Give him a scalp/head massage
Help him unwind and de-stress with a little cranial massage. While lying down or seated in a chair, take time to slowly rub, squeeze, and scratch his scalp, temples, and neck. For most men, this is to them what the foot massage is to women.
10. Touch yourself first
For many men, seeing you touch yourself first is a massive turn on. It could be as simple as softly stroking your own arm, chest, neck, or crotch over clothing. If you’re feeling naughtier, try full on masturbating in front of him. Use your hand(s), your favourite sex toy, or anything else you fancy. Let the sensuality flow through your face and breath. He won’t be able to resist a pounce.
11. Perform your own strip tease
Not every woman feels comfortable with the idea, but it’s really not as crazy as you think. Most think exotic dancing has to involve Olympic-athlete level gymnastic core strength. But the most important thing is intention. Feel sexy, think sexy, turn on a song of choice, sit him down, move slowly and sensually with a few strokes of the skin as you slowly tease and peel off pieces of clothing. Make your own internal sense of sexiness the priority, and the body language will naturally follow. It’s as simple as that.
12. Dress sexy, for you and for him
Make yourself feel sexy and confident through your clothing choices. Wear clothes that accentuate the parts of your body you’re most proud of, or the ones you know he loves. Make sure you feel recognized and appreciated for your effort and tell him why you did it, which will let him acknowledge you and make him feel even more drawn in.
13. Tell him why he’s a man, to you
We’ll rarely be able to admit it, but most guys deep down are just trying to be “a man”, strong or respected by others, especially their woman. Think of the ways he is a “man” to you, whatever that means, and tell him that you see it. Tell him why you love him. Tell him why you respect him. Tell him why you trust him. And don’t be surprised if he gets emotional.
14. Ask him to come lingerie shopping with you
Surprising him with sexy undies is one thing, but why not draw it out and fully milk the experience? Being in the shop, watching you try on a few different kinds, getting a say in the process, etc, is all exciting and connection building. Make it fun and playful.
15. Bite your lip
It’s much easier for women to spark sexual charge with the simplest gestures. Look him up and down, and bite your bottom lip with a cheeky smile. It’s as simple as that, but ridiculously powerful.
16. Get wild in a strip club
Though this one is mentioned in the “Both” section, this is a different kind of visit for you. Show him your wild, sexiest side. Tease and flirt with the dancers. Get them to give him attention, or give him a private lap dance. Whisper in his ear about what you’d like to do together with one of the girls. This tip definitely isn’t for everyone (Christian raised high school sweethearts might want to steer clear), but most guys will want to rush you to the bedroom after a night out like this.
17. Give him your vibrator
If you don’t have one, get one. Put the power in his hands and guide him to use it in the way you love. Feeling you getting off will drive him insane.
And, after you have climax from it, experiment with how the toy might be applicable to his body (as many are – especially vibrators).
18. Tease him with lube
Slow it way down with your hands and mouth. Kiss the areas around his penis, from thighs to stomach. Slowly lube him up and use both your hands to tease him. Literally everything feels amazing for him with a little oil. Mix up your motions and intensity. Take note of what his body reacts to and circle back to it.
19. Tie him down
Mix this with the last tip for best results. Many guys don’t like to be dominated and are used to being able to get as handsy as they want. Summon your inner dominatrix and push him down if he fights back. After a little time, he will be a loaded spring and ravage you explosively (if you allow him to).
20. Send him sexy photos
Guys love knowing their woman isn’t shy when it comes to their sex life. Plus, you’ll be giving him something delicious and personalized for the ollll’ spank bank (do people still say that?). It could be as simple as taking a snap of your shirt halfway off, or reaching into your pants, or a full on professionally shot boudoir shoot of you in your sexiest undies.
Foreplay Tips For Men And Women
1. Have sex without kissing
Touch lips, brush lips, hold them just apart, but don’t actually fully kiss. This is a simple way to supercharge your intimate sessions. It breaks the patterns and expectations of your brain for what you can/should do, and injects tons of unrequited anticipation and novelty into the moment. You’ll be shocked at what this can do.
2. Spark your ‘sext’ life
Your phone is a modern foreplay miracle. It increases the opportunities for flirtatious teasing a hundredfold by letting you drop thoughts and comments anywhere they go, through various forms of media. See my in-depth article on sexting for a walkthrough.
3. Make a ‘playtime’ playlist
Music is a massive tool for intimacy. Environmental cues are powerful ways to get us in the mood, and make it that much easier to feel sexy. Most music streaming services have pre made playlists for such occasions. But the vibe is so much more special when you’ve put the time and energy into creating the playlist yourself. It’s all about intention.
Even while you’re just chatting, making dinner, or starting your night, put your playlist on to set up and smooth the inevitable transition into sexual play.
4. Take a lavish bath together
A good bath is never too cliché. It’s such a high leverage foreplay activity to do together. It gets you both naked, relaxed, dropped in to your bodies, and creates the opportunity for intimate conversation. All the prime ingredients for getting in the zone! Knock it out of the park with essential oils, a few candles, and a splash of wine. Bonus points for trading underwater foot massages.
5. Make uninterrupted time to talk
Oftentimes in our busy lives, minds and inner anxieties get in the way of feeling connected and spurring good foreplay. Get comfortable, leave your phones in another room, and take time to let each person dump everything on your mind, stream of consciousness style. Get things out of your mind and off of your chest. You’ll be left feeling empty, relieved, and heard, with way more energetic room to connect.
6. Take a workshop neither of you have done before
Doing something novel, interactive, and playful is a great way to spice things up and create attraction. The options are endless. Think of something you’d like to try, or know that they would like to try, and look up local options to get involved. It could be pottery, painting, self-defence, tantra, etc. Follow your interests and do some research.
7. Go to an acro yoga class/workshop together
Acro yoga involves a series of partner-based positions that involve a ton of playfulness, trust, and direct physical contact. It’s a perfect way to start a date night by getting into your bodies, giggling together, and emphasizing the masculine/feminine polarity.
Regular yoga classes are also great because you’re having an individual experience while getting to see your partner at a distance (usually dressed in something tight and sexy). It also relaxes, grounds, and de-stresses your mind, which primes your body for arousal and playtime.
8. Practice synchronized breathing
Shared breath work is an incredible way to fully arrive sensually in the moment and feel radically connected. Traditionally, the man sits cross-legged with the woman facing him on his lap, with her legs wrapped around the base of his back and their foreheads touching. The man leads deep synchronized breaths for several minutes. Or try alternate breathing, where one person inhales as the other exhales, then exhales as the other inhales, and so on. Different couples prefer different styles.
Generally, the average woman’s lungs are smaller than the average man’s lungs… so go off of the pace that is comfortable for her. This shouldn’t feel like you’re expanding your lung capacity for a free diving session. It should feel relaxed and natural for both of you… without any overt exertion.
9. Have a ‘state of affairs’ chat
It doesn’t sound sexy, and it’s not always comfortable, but this is the kind of thing that will transform your connection and sex life in the long run. So many blockages can be broken and momentum built by having a straight conversation about how you’re both feeling in the relationship, and what your wants and needs are. John Gottman calls this a “state of the union” conversation.
Not sure how to go about it? Check out this article on clearing your relationship blocks.
10. Trade massages
Exchange quick massages to stoke physical connection. Ask your partner what, on their body, they want attended to the most. Check your pressure and ask how it feels. Openly communicate and make each other feel cared for.
11. Write and share lists of what you love about each other
Too often we can get busy and go long stretches of time without directly acknowledging out partners for what they bring to our lives. This can cause us to take them for granted and fall into a sense of complacency. Fight against that relationship entropy by reawakening your gratitude. Make lists of at least 20 things you love about the other person. The writing process will already get the energy moving. Then bring them to your next date night and start off by reading your lists to each other.
12. Practice dirty talk
You can do this at any time during the day. This keeps things rolling on a regular basis. Follow my simple 3 rules of thumb for quality erotic talk:
Before sex, tell them what you want to do to them. During sex, tell them what you love that’s happening. After sex, tell them what you loved that happened.
13. Play fight
You’ll be surprised what kind of energy a little rough and tumble play can move and create. Really go for it. Set some ground rules and create a safe physical space to do it in. The push and pull power dynamic of play fighting usually results in intense sexual sessions.
14. Groom yourself
When you’re single, you usually put more thought and effort into trimming pubic hair and keeping your body tightly groomed. Make it a weekly habit to spend a bit of time putting intention into groin-scaping. The act of preparing your body puts your mind in gear to use it.
15. Go shopping for sex toys together
Plan a trip to a local, reputable sex shop. Try to find something that doesn’t have industrial fluorescent lights and 25-cent peep shows, unless that’s your thing. You should be able to find one that is more sensual, classy, and upscale.
The trip will breed novelty, sexual conversation, and tons of anticipation. Not to mention a potential exciting purchase. Check out a list of my recommended sex toys for couples.
16. Talk about your fantasies
Especially while petting each other, opening up about your fantasies is a good way to bring rejuvenated excitement into the sexual experience.
Not sure what appeals to you sexually? Start by reading this.
17. Deep clean and sensualize your space
Take pride in your living area and freshen it up. This simple practice simultaneously clears and reorganizes your mind and attitude. Does your home feel sensual and inviting? What can you add/change that would create the feeling? Essential oils? Candles? A salt lamp? Plants? Pillows? The sky’s the limit!
(Note: want to set up your bedroom for better sex? Check this out.)
18. Take a solo trip
This isn’t a “together” activity, but taking time apart to do something you love creates personal happiness and healthy distance, which allows you to miss each other. Coming back recharged automatically brings spontaneous foreplay back into the picture.
19. Organize a couples game night
Getting together and having fun with other couples you love is a great way to stir things up for everyone. Being playful and interactive is already effective. But try including some sexier games made for couples to go the extra mile, where you have to use sexy language or reveal things about each other. Make sure your friends aren’t prudish or easily offended, otherwise it will just make the vibe weird.
20. Cook an extravagant meal together
Don’t just get a few things on the way home and put together your famous macaroni and hot dogs. Find brand new, gourmet recipes and (taking a cue from Parisians) spend an entire day collecting the perfect, high-quality ingredients. Turn the lights down low, crack a bottle of your favourite wine, and enjoy the process of co-creating a sensual masterpiece.
21. Go for a long walk together
Leave your phones at home and step outside to connect. This will get you talking, feeling into your bodies, and reconnecting. A natural setting is best, like a forest, lake, beach or mountain. But do what you can with what your city has to offer.
22. Practice letting out your dark sexual energy
If it doesn’t come naturally to you, consciously practice stepping into your naughtier, more promiscuous sides. This will help you more assertively verbally and physically communicate your sexuality, wants, and desires.
23. Start a relationship book club
Pick a top-rated book on relationship to read and discuss together. Set aside time to take turns reading one copy aloud together, or read a chapter from your own each week. This is a perfect way to get both of you invested into growing and developing your connection.
Want some recommendations to start with? Check out this article and this article. That should fuel your book club for a few years.
24. Talk about going to a play party/sex club
You don’t necessarily have to follow through, but talking about what kind of place you’d like to go to, and what you’d be open to doing there will, in itself, create tons of sexual charge. And, if you so choose to… actually going, and respecting each other’s boundaries, will most likely create a massive breakthrough in your relationship. But again, this tip isn’t for everyone. It requires a lot of self-awareness, willingness, and communicative skill to move through this as a couple.
25. Keep a running ‘to-do-together’ list
Actively make notes on new experiences you want to have together. It could be adventure based activities, travel destinations, movies you want to watch, bands you want to see, restaurants you want to eat at, people you want to hang out with, etc. Regularly checking these off (and adding new things to the list) means you’re staying connected, invested and experiencing new things as a couple.
26. Do some eye gazing with each other
Sometimes, not a single word needs to be spoken to feel radically deep intimacy. Sit across from each other, light a few candles, and look silently into each other’s eyes for 10 minutes. If you giggle, that’s fine. Breathe, relax your face, and sink deeper into the experience. You’ll finish feeling indescribably connected.
27. Role-play meeting for the first time
Plan to meet somewhere (i.e. a bar, concert venue, etc) and pretend you’ve never met before. You don’t have to put on a British accent or invent a new life. You can just be yourself, but give and request all the details as if you’ve never shared them with each other before. Really feel like you’re making the move to kiss or go to bed for the first time.
28. Kick it old school
There’s just something about planning a picnic, or going to an actual, legitimate drive-in movie theatre. The nostalgia factor and thoughtfulness of planning the date creates a natural, undeniable air of romance.
29. Visit a strip club together
Similar to watching porn, if neither of you have any major objections here, this is an awesome mutual fire starter. Women and couples tend to get all the attention from dancers, so you’re guaranteed to have a lot of fun. To have the full experience, agree on a girl you both like and get a private couple’s lap dance in the back. This will send you off hot and ready.
Remember:
- Foreplay is the way you live your life, not just the sexy things you can say and do
- Eroticism starts with you. Take care of yourself and live a life you love
- Prioritize displays of affection and thoughtfulness toward your partner
- Regularly clear the air and talk about your deeper feelings toward life
- For best results, positively and openly talk about working on foreplay and your relationship
- Take risks and encourage each other with positive feedback and praise.
All these ideas are just kindling to get the fire started. Once you get momentum, you will become a foreplay idea-generating machine! Often, the best foreplay ideas you could do are so unique to both of you that no one could ever have guessed that those things would turn you on.
Until then, don’t be shy about using training wheels. Your relationship and sex life will be eternally grateful.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will also love checking out:
– Supercharge Your Sex Life (video series for men)
– Slow Sex: How To Magnify Your Sexual Pleasure
– The Spoiling Session: The Best Sexual Exercise For Couples
– Being A Healthy, Balanced Adult Is Sexy As Fuck
– How To Figure Out What Your Ideal Sex Life Looks Like
