Dirty talk can feel like walking through a minefield.
Most people feel completely embarrassed and ridiculous at the thought of trying it, just because they’ve never learned some basic guidelines.
In the bedroom, when someone says “Talk dirty to me baby…” the hopefully-soon-to-be dirty talker suddenly freezes up like a soaking wet roll of toilet paper thrown out of an igloo in Antartica.
“What should I say? What do they want me to say? What if I go too far? What if I can’t go far enough, or just sound lame, or stupid?”
Dirty talk is an often overlooked but very powerful aspect of eroticism. It activates the imagination, supercharges sexual polarity, and adds a steamy air of liberation to your naked shenanigans.
Just like sex itself, dirty talk is something that needs to be calibrated to whoever is receiving it. Maybe something that you qualify as ‘dirty talk’ is something the other person might find offensive, silly, or straight up insane, and vice versa.
Let’s clear the air and lay some ground rules.
This is the ultimate guide to dirty talk. I’ll walk you through the things to generally avoid, include, and steer clear of altogether, in order for you to dominate the world of dirty talk.
(For the record, I don’t believe in the phrase “dirty talk” since there is nothing dirty about sex, or talking about sex. Alas, this is what people call it, so I have to meet society where it’s currently at. I prefer to call it “erotic talk”, but that’s a subject for another day.)
Five General Dirty Talk Guidelines
I’ll get into specific phrases you can use momentarily, but first, some guidelines to help you get your black belt from the dirty talk dojo.
Before Sex, Say What You Want – During Sex, Say What You Like
A good rule of thumb with dirty talk is to tell your partner what you want to do to them/with them before you’re actually doing it, and then, while you’re doing it, specifically describe what it is you like about it.
This is especially crucial if your partner is a woman. Women, in particular, are often aroused through the imagination. This is why erotic books like 50 Shades of Gray are infamous smash hits among female readers. Meanwhile, guys are dominating porn usage because their arousal has more directly visual triggers.
It can take a little more time to get a woman’s water boiling, so to speak, whereas a guy’s can go from Lake Placid to full-on tsunami in a matter of seconds.
This is partially because men and women are wired differently. Guys are more singular in their focus, whereas women can hold many things in their mind at once when it comes to sexual arousal.
You need to captivate her attention and replace whatever else is happening in her head with a stronger, sexier signal. If you do, those juices will start to flow and she’ll be way more receptive to getting intimate.
For example, you might have a female partner with a relatively high sex drive, but she only seems to get revved up when she’s “in the mood”, and you’re always left guessing as to when that is. She wants to have sex more frequently, but it just doesn’t cross her mind all that often. The solution? Dirty talk.
This skill is what separates the black belt lover from the fumbling grasshopper. Instead of trying to wishfully cold-start the engine with escalating physical touch, the master primes the motor by walking her to the climax with his words before he’s even laid a hand on her shoulder.
What you say will be based on what you authentically desire in the moment, or what’s turning you on, but it could be something along the lines of “I’m trying to get work done right now, but I can’t stop thinking about last week when we were 69’ing and your delicious juices were flowing into my mouth”. A comment like that will probably push them over the edge and have them pouncing on you.
Any statement about what you have enjoyed doing with them in the past, or that you are envisioning doing with them in the future, is a great way to ease into a more vocal sex session.
And while you’re fooling around, give your partner real time feedback about what you’re enjoying. It’s a great way to encourage them to give you more of that thing, and also gives your sexual play the added edge of becoming more of a multi-sensory experience.
For a lot of people, it’s the details of dirty talk that make it so much of a turn on.
For the record, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with statements like “Yeah, I like that,” “You look so hot right now,” and “I love having sex with you.”
But they can be supercharged in a massive way if you shift them each with a bit of descriptive detail.
“Yeah, I like that” becomes “Oh my god, keep doing that. I love your big/little hands all over my ass/balls/chest/etc.. You are the sexiest person on the planet.”
“You look so hot right now” turns into “You are better than any fantasy I could ever come up with. I fucking love you and your perfect/delicious/sexy big/little (body part).”
“I love having sex with you” transforms into “I love it when you grab the sheets when you’re about to come. I love how your breath pauses when I put my mouth on your (insert partner’s preferred name for their genitals here). There’s no where else I’d rather be than inside of you/on top of you right now.”
Now… isn’t that better? 😉
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Use All Of Your Senses
One of the fastest ways to boost the power and erotic, engaging quality of your dirty talk is to start using multi-sensory descriptive words.
Most people dirty talk with two of their primary senses: sight and touch (i.e. “You look so hot/You feel so good”).
While there’s nothing wrong with sticking to your comfort zone by staying within the parameters of these two dominant sexual senses, there’s so much fun to be had by letting your descriptive imagination run wild.
A few examples of dirty talk phrases that use multi-sensory descriptions:
– I love how you taste/smell. I could get drunk off of your juices/scent so easily.
– I love the sounds you make
– You sound so sexy when I’m going down on you
– I want to fuck you until I can feel that sweet little pussy clenching around my cock
– I want you to cum so hard that I feel your cock pulsing inside of me
Don’t Use Too Much Profanity If That’s A Turn-Off For Your Partner
Every person has their particular trigger words that feel too jarring for them.
Some people adore their dirty talk to be filled with swear words, others hate it.
Some people want their dirty talk to include very clinical descriptions of their genitals (penis, vagina) while others want the dirtier street slang (cock, pussy, dick, cunt, etc.).
Some people like being called “you whore” while others prefer “my whore” while others still would never want you to call them anything close to the word whore during any of your lovemaking, ever.
Make sure you check in with your partner (outside of the bedroom, when you aren’t being sexual with each other) to see if there’s any words that they want you to avoid during your dirty talk.
And no, it doesn’t take away from the sexiness of your dirty talk if you check in with them. It’s a sign of respect. It’s the same well-spring of respect that makes you think to ask your partner if their penis/clitoris prefers softer or firmer stimulation. It doesn’t ruin the mood to check in… it enhances the feelings of safety, comfort, and connection.
Push Yourself and Take The Leap Into The Unknown
You might already notice some internal tension building so far as you’re reading this, just by thinking about saying some of these things out loud.
At first, the simple act of opening your mouth and letting these words fall out can feel like standing on the edge of a cliff.
That paralyzing feeling of risk most often generated by a fear of negative judgement from the other person, which can be amplified by having been raised in a religious or sexually repressed family, or culture.
Your mind locks up because it thinks it’s unsafe to go where you’re going, and wants to protect you from messing up and ruining your partner’s positive image of you.
If you’re feeling this resistance, you need to intentionally set up a safe container for dirty talk with your partner before you begin actually exploring it.
Tell them you’d love to spice things up with a little dirty talk, but you’re feeling a little apprehension and shyness around doing so. Talk about your intentions and why you want to do it. Make a mutual agreement to take risks and accept each other, no matter what you say. Give each other full permission to experiment without shame, for the betterment of your relationship.
This initial chat is also a great opportunity to talk about your turn-ons, turn-offs and boundaries around dirty talk. Sussing out the other person’s parameters going in will ease your mind by knowing in advance what’s okay and what’s not.
Having this simple exchange out loud will evaporate a huge amount of anxiety around your future dirty talking sex-capades.
But that said, even though you’ve had this discussion, and even though you KNOW it’s safe to take the leap, your mind will still try to keep you back from stepping out into the unknown.
If you find yourself in that moment of stuckness: breathe. Look into your lover’s eyes. Remember the permission they gave you. Remember their love for you and that you can trust them with anything. Smash through that block in your throat as a big ‘fuck you’ to the irrational part of your brain that wants to hold you back and keep you from being fully expressed, totally seen and truly loved.
If you can muster the courage to break through these moments, I promise you’ll reach a whole new level of trust and intimacy with your partner, boost your self-confidence, and your entire relationship will be upgraded in unexpected ways.
If You’re Truly Terrified, Start Your Dirty Talk Via Text
If you’re extra terror-stricken when beginning your foray into verbalized dirty talk, one good way to test the waters (and to get more comfortable) with your partner is to send them some naughty text messages and see how they respond.
Once your mind has proof that they like it, and encourage you in expressing your dirty thoughts, you’ll feel much safer and comfortable to voice them in-person.
Saucy texts are also the perfect way to build the tension before dates, or keep the fire burning between them.
Read on to the “Dirty Talk: Beginner Level” section for some examples of places to start, or go with something from the heart (or crotch).
Want some soft/easy starters for your titillating texts? Try out any of the following:
– “I’m really looking forward to seeing you tonight. I think we should have some fun ;)”
– “You should probably already have your pants off when I get home… I’m feeling playful.”
– “Baby, I’m really horny. What do you want me to wear for our date tonight?”
– “I had the sexiest dream about us last night… and it gave me some inspiration for our date night next weekend ;)”
– “I’ve got a sexy surprise waiting for you tonight…”
– “I’m having a really hard time focusing at work today… can’t stop thinking about what we did on our date last night ;)”
-(With a sexy photo already prepared) “I just got out of the shower… want to see?”
– (If you don’t live with your significant other) “What are you doing later tonight? Mind if I stop by to blow you/go down on you? I’m really craving your cock/pussy in my mouth right now.”
-(With a sexy photo already prepared) “I’m touching myself right now thinking about what we did last night… want to see a photo I just took for you?”
– “Mmm… I still feel deliciously sore from last night. You certainly know how to show a lady/guy a good time.”
Want to create your own customized teasing texts? A great rule of thumb here is to think of a specific moment during your last romp that really turned you on, then describe it and let them know it’s on your mind. For example:
– “I’m daydreaming non-stop about you on my kitchen counter. Can’t wait to get my hands on you again.” [Insert eggplant emoji, peach emoji, raindrop emoji, jaw-dropped emoji]
Ready to take it to the next level? Shoot them a text before/after you masturbate. This message is best reserved for someone you’ve been regularly intimate with. It definitely falls under the “Intermediate” and “Advanced” levels, as you’re about to see, but it’s a massive turn on and builds a deeper sense of sexual openness.
– “I definitely just came thinking about you riding me”
– “So turned on thinking about ______. I’m about to take matters into my own hands…”
Dirty Talk: Beginner, Intermediate, & Advanced
As you might know, if you’ve been reading my work for a while, I have a tendency to gravitate to fairly polarized sex. Which means that the dominant/submissive roles play themselves out in my dirty talk quite a bit.
For those of you who are looking for a bit more actionable phrases to include in your dirty talk, I’ve got you covered.
Here are some examples of the easy, more challenging, and (for some people) more extreme levels of dirty talk that you can engage in with your significant other.
Dirty Talk: Beginner Level
Whether you’re starting out with dirty talk for the first time ever, or you’re starting to have sex with a new partner and just want to slowly test the waters, the following phrases have you covered.
– That feels amazing baby
– Come sit on my lap, love
– Mmm… do you like that?
– I need you right now
– Just lie back and let me take care of you
– I’m getting so turned on/wet/hard
– Tell me what you like/if this is too hard/when you’re about to come
– You look so beautiful/handsome/gorgeous/manly right now
– What do you feel like doing to me?
– I love how your hands feel on me
– I love when you talk to me like that
– I love when you grab me like that
– I love when you look at me like that
– I love it when you growl
– You are so sexy
– Ughhh… I love your body so much
– I feel so sexy when I’m in your arms
– I love how you look at me when you’re turned on
– You can have me any way you want me baby
– Mmm… I can tell that you’re having fun
– Where do you want to cum?
– You feel so good inside of me baby
– I want you inside of me
– I want you to tease me until I can’t take it any longer
– I could spend all day between your legs
– I love feeling you this deep inside of me
– I can’t wait to taste you on my lips
– Mmm… you taste so good baby.
– Your beautiful body feels so good in my hands baby
– Are you ready for me to enter you?
– I love what you’re doing to me right now
– I’m getting close
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Dirty Talk: Intermediate Level
So you’ve been around the block and you’re looking for something new that makes your partner that much harder/wetter. Skim through the following, grab a few of your favourite phrases and incorporate them into your dirty talk pronto. And if these are still too tame for you, the next section will kick things up a notch.
– I love it when I can feel you squeeze your pussy around me
– I want you to cum for me
– I want you to cum all over me
– I want you to cum inside of me
– You’re going to forget your name after I’m done fucking you tonight
– (When you like something that they’ve done/they’re doing) Mmmmm… good girl
– Relax… just lie back and let me make you cum
– I want to dominate you tonight
– Your cock fits in me so perfectly
– You have a very talented little mouth
– You have such a perfect little pussy… I love it so much
– You have such a perfect/gorgeous cock… I love it so much
– I want you to dominate me tonight
– (Taking her hand and putting it over her vagina) Show me how you touch yourself baby… I want to see you surrendering into your deepest pleasure for me
– Mmm… I fucking love it when you ride me like this
– Get on your knees, now
– Is this pussy yours? Are you going to take it?
– You look like a sexy little angel with your lips wrapped around me like this
– I love sucking your cock so much
– Pound my little pussy with your big cock daddy
– I’m going to drain every last ounce of cum out of you
– Tell me how much you love it when I fuck you/when you fuck me
– I want you to fuck me in front of the mirror baby
– Do whatever you want with me daddy
– I want you to be as loud as you can when you cum
– You have such a perfect ass/cock/pussy/body/etc.
– You’re a good little slut, aren’t you?
– Ask for permission before you cum… I want to hear you beg for it
– You look so fucking sexy right now
– Cum in my mouth. I want to taste you.
– Mmm… good girl. I want you to cum for me, hard.
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Dirty Talk: Advanced Level
The following dirty talk examples are not for the faint of heart and these phrases probably shouldn’t be attempted within the first month of your new relationship (unless you met your partner at an orgy/sex party and that overtly sexual context has already been set between the two of you). As with most things to do with eroticism, it’s often the least politically correct things that are some of the biggest turn ons behind closed bedroom doors.
So if you’re into it and your partner is into it, use these advanced level dirty talk phrases to your hearts content. Let your kinky freak flag fly!
– Tell me how badly you want me to fuck you
– Show me how wet you are my little slut
– I want you to fuck me until we wake up the neighbours
– Stand up and fuck me
– Fuck me harder!
– Yeah daddy, give me every last drop of your delicious cum
– I love it when you grind that little clit on me
– Use me like your little fuck toy
– I own this pretty little pussy
– I want you to gag on my cock/fuck my face
– Ride me harder
– Keep that pretty little mouth open to me when I’m fucking it
– I love sucking your cock daddy
– I’m your whore
– Yeah, ruin my pussy. Take it!
– What a well behaved little whore you are
– You own me
– Mmmmm… yeah, fuck my face
– That pretty little face deserves to get fucked
– Don’t make a sound until I tell you to… and if you do, I’m going to pause and wait until you can be quiet again, like a good little boy/girl
– You’re going to need crutches when I’m done fucking you
– Tell me who owns this fucking pussy
– Fuck me daddy. Don’t stop!
Dirty Talk Supercharges Your Sex Life
I know dirty talk can feel intimidating at times, but the best thing you can do is start with something tame, and just gets your lips moving.
Start small, ramp up over time, and ask your partner (outside of your sexual play) if they have any preferences as to the words that you do or don’t use in your dirty talk repertoire.
It can be a little uncomfortable at first, but there is such a sense of freedom that comes with allowing your dirty talk to flow freely. It truly does shift the entire dynamic of your sex life in such an easy and sustainable way.
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Dedicated to your success,
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