Sexting is a brand new skill we rarely ever talk about, but it’s vital to stoke a spicy relationship in the modern, digital age.
Don’t know how to do it, or how far to go? Feeling shy and silly about it in general? Perfect. This is your one-stop-shop, crash course on why sexting is awesome and how to navigate the process.
(Side note: if you are brand new to my writing, I’d also recommend you read my supplementary article Dirty Talk: The Ultimate Guide For Beginners, that contains over 100 examples of sexy things to say to your love.)
Whether you’re just dating, or already have a partner, sexting is an amazing, never-before-had opportunity to inject eroticism and excitement into your relationship – anytime, anywhere.
With so much of our communication transitioning to messaging and social media platforms, those who are able to master the nuances of sexualizing text-based chats have a huge edge in enticing their partners and building depth in intimate relationships.
Not only that, the modern dating climate has changed radically.
Adapting To The New Model & Learning How To ‘Pace’
Today, people who are single and looking are not only using dating apps and other online services to get to know each other, but they also have way more competition than they’ve ever had before.
Decades ago, dating multiple people and having casual sex used to be shamed and stigmatized. Now, it’s fairly standard practice. Society is far more accepting and supportive of people being promiscuous, or simply sussing out multiple people and weighing their options.
This means that, at any given time, daters can be fielding messages from multiple prospects. How do you cut through the noise and push their emotional hot buttons so that they’re fantasizing about you, more often than not? Well, there are several things you can do (like loving your life, being sexually self-aware, and being your best self), but sexting is a big one.
The process of building rapport and comfort has also changed drastically. We now have two separate realms to build within, instead of just one. There’s the physical/in-person realm, with vocalization and touch, and the digital/text-based realm.
People who are great at building robust attraction are skilled at escalating both simultaneously, or promptly reinforcing one with the other.
For example, it’s common to feel more shy about making sexy comments and escalating things in person than over text. Since they’re not actually there, the sexting route might feel a little less intimidating. But if you’re making leading comments and flirting on your phone, and don’t have the confidence to repeat that kind of energy when you meet up in real life, this can lead to you coming across as incongruent, which makes the other person feel confused and uncertain as to which ‘you’ they should be believing.
Let’s call this act of balancing escalation in either realm ‘pacing’.
Here’s a simple tip to keep the pacing of your erotic rapport building in check: if you take a step verbally or physically, repeat that step on the opposite platform, no matter how simple. (Ex. you told her she has stunning eyes via text, say “holy shit, photos don’t even do you justice…”, the next time you meet up. Or if you ended your date with a make out session, text him “Mmm.. still thinking about your lips… thanks for a fun night :)” later that night, or the next day.)
If you didn’t make any physical contact or overtly flirtatious comments on your first date, besides hugging goodbye, don’t send them a text saying, “Ughhh I wish you were sitting on my face right now.”
(Because, woah… just, woah…)
But first, just to clear some things up really quick…
Q: So, what classifies as sexting anyways?
A: Any digital message that conveys erotic intent, or content. This could be a written message, an image, GIF, meme, emojis, etc. Sexting doesn’t have to be a brazen, explicit description of a sexual act. It can be something as simple as innuendo, sensual compliments, or a comment pointing in the direction of your sexual desire and attraction for the person.
Q: How do I get good at sexting?
A: Get comfortable with transparently communicating your honest sexual thoughts, urges and fantasies. You ultimately don’t want to be reading off a list, but should be able to generate sexting content just based off what’s happening for you in real time. If you can make it short, enticing, and/or creative, you’ve got it made.
Q: What if sexting makes me feel really awkward and uncomfortable?
A: Totally normal! But it’s important to consider the reasons why. Most people who feel shaky about it are usually either:
a) afraid of looking bad in the eyes of someone they’re attracted to, or
b) unpracticed with communicating their sexual desires.
How To Deal With Fear and Awkwardness While Sexting
Often times, we let fear of showing our sexual side rob us of so much exciting erotic potential, because we don’t want to turn someone off, or seem like a pervert and trigger their disgust reflex.
In other words, we’re run by a fear of being rejected for our sexuality. This can stem from so many different things, but it’s up to each of us to examine the roots of any sexual shame we might be carrying, which 99 out of 100 people deal with (made up statistic, but accurate) so don’t go thinking you’re weird or broken in some way. Just don’t let that shit sabotage your sex(t) life.
Other people are just more business-focused with their text communication. If most of your writing involves e-mailing in a professional office context, you’ve been trained to be more conservative, diplomatic and mechanical. Sexting, by necessity, breaks all of that down. So it’s normal at first to feel at a loss for what to say, or worry you might be crossing serious lines by saying it.
But, good news! Sexting is all about baby steps. Like with anything erotic, gradual escalation is all part of thrill. You build up and take the next step as it’s safe and appropriate to do so. That said, you will inevitably have to face that initial mild panic when you put yourself out there for the first time with someone new (though the sheer exhilaration from seeing their positive response is like plunging into a bath of chocolate pudding – No? Only my fantasy? Moving on then).
You can massively ease your sexting anxiety by:
– Escalating slowly. Gradually increase the level of explicitness from innocent to hardcore as you play off of each other and the relationship develops naturally.
– Reframing your nerves. If you come up against that building anxiety as you’re typing the message, take a breath and think, “Good! I feel really nervous and excited because this is something I’ve never done before. I’m in totally new territory. Hooray for growth! *hits send*”
– Getting explicit consent. You can easily build consent into the exchange. Feeling invited to show your/their naughtier side is usually all that’s needed to crack open. It changes the energy of the whole situation. Once you know they actually WANT to hear your sexual thoughts, you’ll feel way safer to put them out there. Plus leading with a question just adds playfulness and anticipation.
Instead of just making a remark, lead with a question. Ex. “Would you like to know what my favourite part of your body is?” or “Remember when you [insert innocent moment]?” – follow up – “For some reason that was ridiculously sexy. I haven’t stopped thinking about it.”
Alternatively, just ASK FIRST if they’d be down for it! Say you’ve been wanting to do it and would turn you on but want to make sure they’re into it.
– Injecting humour. Instead of starting off serious and intense, it might help you to be lighter and playful about it at first, just to introduce the subject matter. Make it about getting them to smile and laugh, versus want to drop everything and have sex right then and there.
Before we get into a big list of examples, here are some simple guidelines for what to do and what to avoid.
1. Be direct. If you’re shy and too vague or fuzzy with your language, you lose SO much impact. What could have been a juicy, lip-biting moment becomes flat and lukewarm. Unless you know each other inside and out, tons of nuance is lost through text communication. Always lean toward communicating in a way that can’t be misunderstood. As you get more confident, calculated vagueness can be a way to tease the imagination.
2. Be descriptive. Providing clear, sensual, and sensory descriptors really drives the feeling home. Eliciting the senses from past or potential future experiences is a massive turn on. Recap hot memories and tell them what you want in the future.
3. Keep it short and sweet. Most of the time, there’s no need to be writing a novella. Keep it concentrated, punchy and quickly digestible. If they have message previews enabled for their phone’s lock screen, this lets you deliver a quick shiver or smirk when they’re checking the time as they’re running errands, in meetings or having conversations. If they’re in a professional context, they’ll want to hide their reaction from others, which is super erotic. If they’re in a casual context with people they trust, they’ll probably end up talking about you after their friends ask them what they’re grinning about. It’s a win-win.
4. Ease into it. If you’ve never done it before, or haven’t met the person yet and made any flirtatious comments, (unless you’re meeting someone online under the strict context of one-night-stands or BDSM/kink play), it’s best not to jump right into the hardcore stuff. Make the process feel safe and organic for both of you by pacing the intensity.
5. Personalize it. Try to make your comments uniquely about them. We love to feel special, sexy, and like we’re on someone’s mind, and sexting is a great way to evoke that feeling. Note what turns you on about their outfits, mannerisms, sex noises, things they’ve said, moments you’ve shared, etc. Use this list as raw material for your sexting repertoire.
6. Get Creative.
Take advantage of the multi-media options and modern text trends to increase the impact and efficiency of your sexting.
Pictures, hashtags, memes, GIFs and emojis are all colourful ways to communicate much richer ideas and feelings in a single message. It can also communicate intelligence, creativity and sense of humour, which adds another layer of supercharged attraction.
You can also find websites that offer X-rated porn GIFs as well, for whenever you reach those super saucy moments.
1. Be limp and casual. “I liked that thing you did”, or “That felt real nice” registers as a zero on the Richter scale of sexual tension. Yeah, you might not want to come on too strong up front (because timing definitely matters), but going too plain comes across as boring and unexciting. This is about teasing and building anticipation. To do that, you have to, at least occasionally, take a risk.
2. Use offensive language. The definition of “offensive” is different for every person. Only you can be the judge of that. Not everyone likes words such as, “slut”, “pussy”, “fuck”, “cum”, etc, or being overly aggressive, whereas some people go crazy for it. But if you’re on the conservative side, you’re probably going to have to push yourself no matter what. You can only get so far saying things like, “I want you..”, “when I took you..”, “when you got off..”, etc. Take a few steps on the wilder side in your sexting and see how they respond.
If you need to, feel free to interchange things like “fucking” and “make you cum” with whatever feels right to you. Remember, you want to avoid being too plain or vague, otherwise you can’t fully evoke a response on their end. Make direct references, in plain and clear terms – don’t be shy!
3. Send bad photos.
Take a minute to consider the lighting and angle of your photo. Don’t just snap a straight on, florescent-lit, close-up of your butthole (I mean, you can if you want – to each their own). Try softer, more sensual lighting, like salt lamps. Play with silhouettes, side angles and other indirect techniques. Sometimes alluding to something sexual (ex. a shot of your hand down your pants, or pulling down your shirt close to the nipple) is way hotter than just straight up showing off the goods. But there’s also a time and place for everything.
4. Send unsolicited dick pics (for guys, obvs). There’s no hard and fast rule on how long you have to wait before sending one (if you choose to send one at all), but I promise you it’s not before you’ve had sex a few times. Before then, it won’t have the desired effect. Still, there’s so much opportunity for arousing her with words that you don’t need to consider it as an option. Save it for when you want to shake things, or arouse your partner from abroad. The opportunity will naturally present itself. Ex. You mention you’re getting turned on, or touching yourself thinking about them, and they’ll ask to see. Done without consent, or too soon, and it usually comes across as jarring and inappropriate.
5. Message them at the wrong time. Be sensitive to what’s happening in their day or week. When we’re stressed out, dealing with heavy issues, or supporting others who are, receiving sexy texts can feel really weird and out of place. You can’t always know, but be mindful of their experience and setting as much as possible. Don’t insensitively fire off updates of when you’ve masturbated while they’re supporting a friend through a breakup, or visiting grandpa in the hospital. Before starting up a sexting slew between you and your lover, you should either know what they’re doing in that moment, or check in and ask them what they’re doing (to be certain).
- Be bold.
- Use your descriptive memory (past) and imagination (future).
- Build anticipation.
- Be creative.
With that, here are some sexting examples to get your creative juices flowing. Since sexting can range from flirting, to foreplay, to hardcore, let’s start by setting the table and keeping it light…
Beginner Sexting Ideas
– “Your legs have been on my mind all day…”
– “What’s your favourite part of my body?”
– “You know what my favourite part of your body is?” Tease and follow up once they reply.
– “Thinking about your lips”
– “Yeah, but I’d rather be kissing you right now :)”
– “Hmm.. I don’t think I licked enough places on your body last night…”
– “You know the only thing better than [insert moment/sensation]?” Follow up with another sexy moment/sensation.
– “I’ve been thinking I’d like to have you for dessert tonight…”
– “I can’t wait until the next time I get my hands on you…”
– (If they’re flippant/playful/bratty/demanding) “I shall have to teach you some manners the next time I see you.”
– “Remember when you went down on me/I went down on you/(insert other moment/possibly tied to a time or location)?” – follow up – “Can we do that again? :)”
– “I’m getting nothing done at work today. Can’t stop thinking about last night…”
– “Fuck (insert her name), I need to start buying bigger waist sizes if you keep making me have to tuck my boners up this much”
– “I’ve soaked through three pairs of panties today just thinking about you…”
– “Can I start undressing you on the couch next time?”
– “Is there anything you’d like to do to me/me to do to you tonight? :)”
– “Thinking about how amazing your body is… Just fyi”
– “I might leave my apartment and move in between your legs. It’s my favourite place ;)”
– “Mmm… you sound so beautiful when you cum. I can’t stop thinking about your sexy little voice.”
– “Mmm. I love how strong your hands are”
– “Your hands are pure magic”
– “I’m really craving you right now…”
– “What was your favourite part of getting naked with me last night?”
– “How’s that sexy little bum of yours doing today?”
– “I love it when you let me take control”
– “I love it when you dominate me”
– “I want to go down on you in the shower tonight”
– “The view from underneath you is so delicious”
– “Mmm… I want it even harder next time”
– “I can’t wait to take your pants off”
– “Baby, you make me so hard/wet”
– “I can’t get enough of your body”
– “Kissing you is my new obsession”
– “Your [insert your favourite body part of theirs] = insanity”
– “Wish you were undressing me right now”
– “You’re just the sexiest. Seriously.”
– “What turned you on the most last night?”
Okay, ready to step it up?
Advanced Sexting Ideas
– “I wish I could taste your cum. right. now.”
– “Your cock/pussy is all I’ll be thinking about until (your next date night)…”
– “Would you like me to make you squirt again? | Yes | No | Maybe |”
– “Where would you like to fuck me next?”
– “Mmm I can still feel you coming all over me…”
– “Ugh baby my cock is throbbing/pussy is so wet for you right now”
– “I want to pounce your sexy little ass so bad”
– “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow night. In the mean time, try not to think about how wet I get/hard my cock gets around you. That will just make the wait even harder.”
– “I’m delaying showering/washing my hands for as long as I can because I love having your scent on me”
– “I want to make you cum so hard you can’t breathe”
– “I’d rather be having your cock/pussy for lunch right now”
– “Enjoy your unmarked neck and body while you still can…”
– “I want to drain every drop of cum out of you tonight”
– “Will you fuck my face tonight? Please?”
– “Guess what I’m doing riiiiight now?” *follow up with sexy masturbation photo*
– “You know my pussy/cock is all yours, right love?”
– “I’m going to tie you down and make you beg before I fuck you”
– “I love the feeling of you filling up my throat”
– “Tell me how much you love my pussy/cock”
– “If you’re a good boy/girl, I’ll give it to you just how you like it”
– “I’m going to make you soak the sheets tonight”
– “I can’t wait to spank that tight little ass”
– “I’m so stressed, I can’t decide where I want you to cum on me later…”
– “I just came thinking about your delicious pussy/cock”
– “I love the sound you make when you cum for me”
– “Tonight, you don’t get to cum until I tell you to”
– “Tell me how bad you want me to suck/fuck you…”
– “Still deciding what part of you I’m going to fuck first tonight…”
– “I wish I could sink my teeth into those juicy thighs”
– “I want you to own me baby”
– “I’m your little fuck toy”
– “You little brat. Every time you’re a brat like this, I store it in my mind, and will be taking it out on your beautiful little body the next time I get my hands on you. So keep it up at your own peril… ;)”
– “Please just come here and fuck me. I’m so horny…”
– “Work is really boring today. Can I come over and sit on your face instead? That’d be great. Thanksssssssss see you soon.”
– “I’m taking control tonight. Your pussy/cock is all mine”
– “You deserve to be fucked for that last photo/text. You please me well.”
– “I’m going to choke you so fucking hard tonight while I fuck you. You’ll breathe when I decide you’re allowed to.”
– “You’re going to need crutches after I’m done fucking you tonight.”
– “Say goodbye to your parents forever. Because tonight I am going to literally sit on your face until you die… #assphyxiation”
– “After the next time we fuck, you’re going to have a hard time sitting down for at least a week. #BiteMarksAndHandPrintsGalore”
– “I’m going to make you cum so hard you pass out”
– “Fuck my pussy like you can’t live without it baby”
– “I can’t wait this long, I have to get off… Wanna see?” *Sexy photo followup*
– “Just getting ready for (insert event), thought you’d like to see..” *sexy underwear photo*
And, here are some sexting ideas that incorporate more multi-media formats.
Creative Sexting Ideas
– “#tbt your kitchen counter *heart eyes emoji/drooling face/eggplant*”
– “Can’t stop thinking about your *peach emoji* today #truehappiness #heavenisreal”
– “Me when you came while riding me last night” *nuclear blast GIF*
– Meme caption: “When he/she (insert something sexy they’ve done before), Me: *image of someone fainting*”
– “I think I’d like to do this on Thursday night..” *porn GIF of sex position*
– “me rn, thinking about you *raindrops emoji, waving hand, eggplant/kitty*”
– “Lets play two truths and a lie. I’ll go first. 1) I’m so fucking wet right now. 2) I miss you and wish you were here fucking me/filling me with your cum. My greatest secret is that if I ever sneeze three times in a row I will turn into a bicycle for the rest of time, so whenever I sneeze twice, I bite my lip really hard to avoid my dire/inevitable fate. Okay… guess!”
– “Will you cum in my mouth tonight #sharingiscaring”
– “I bought you some coconut water for when I’m through fucking you tonight #recovery #electrolytes #whosyouremergencycontact”
– “Your pussy is so *bomb emoji, fire emoji*”
– “Me waking up after having 7 orgasms” *Michael Jackson moonwalking GIF*
– “Looking forward to tonight…” *bondage/’50 Shades’ GIF*
– “Thank you for a fantastic evening *worship hands emoji, heart eyes, raindrops*”
– Meme caption: “When he asks you how you want to be fucked” *image of woman fanning herself*
– Meme caption: “When she asks you to cum in her mouth for the first time” *image of man on one knee proposing*
– “Me when you got naked last night” *head exploding GIF*
– “Will you be needing some servicing this weekend? *eggplant emoji, wrench emoji, construction worker emoji*
– “Here’s a glimpse inside my mind today..” *porn GIF*
– “Waiting for tonight like:” *licking lips GIF*
BONUS: Sext Stories
Most of the time, a short, punchy round of sexting is all that’s needed to get the erotic juices flowing in your relationship.
But sometimes a longer-form sext is a nice surprise when you’re trying to get your partner thoroughly hot and bothered.
Here are a few sample sext stories that you can use as inspiration. As always, use these as loose examples, and find a way to create a sexy story that pertains more to your partners/your own sexual proclivities.
Sexting Story 1:
“I just picked up a four corner bed restraint system and I have this very persistent and specific visual that I can’t shake.
You’re lying on your back. You have the ball gag in your mouth. Your ankles and wrists are tied to each corner of the bed and the spreader is locking your legs into place so you can’t squirm.
You’re already five orgasms deep and your cheeks and chest are bright red from how flushed you are.
I have a vibrator on your clit and two fingers inside of you. I feel your leg starting to shake and I know that you want to cum again. I put my left hand under your head, grab a fistful of hair, and lift your head off the mattress so you can look into my eyes.
“Is there something you want to ask me?”
You mumble through the ball gag, with drool rolling out and over your juicy bottom lip, “Please can I cum daddy?”
I feel your stomach tense up and your breath quicken as you hold off your release a moment longer. I let the pressure build until your eyes start to roll back.
You let go. I growl while you come undone. Your squirt drenches my forearm. All is right in the world.
Sexting Story 2:
“I had the sexiest dream about you last night…
We were on a boat somewhere, and the water beneath us was both brilliantly bright blue and beautifully transparent. We could see tropical fish and dolphins swimming past us intermittently.
We had already been spending several days on this boat together. We were naked, tanned, and so relaxed and dropped into our bodies.
The dream started off with you walking over to me, taking me in your arms, and kissing me so deeply… I felt like I was merging into you.
Your lips tasted like salt and sea breeze… and the waves were lapping up against the side of the boat while we touched.
It was such a gentle moment. All lips and tongues… and nature all around us. It was so beautiful.
Something to add to our bucket list perhaps? :)”
Sexting Story 3:
“You know what my favourite thing about 69’ing with you is?
It isn’t that I get to be inside of your mouth while also giving you pleasure with mine…
Or that my face is surrounded by your beautiful legs while we do it…
Or that my view is of the sexiest ass in the entire fucking world…
No. My favourite part is when you start to get so turned on that I can literally see your delicious juices slowly dripping down your pussy towards my mouth… and I suddenly feel like I’ve been in the desert for an entire week and I’m about to get my first drop of life giving fluid since I got there.
God I love how you taste. Friday can’t come soon enough.”
Sexting Story 4:
“We are in a hotel. Our view is spectacular. Rain drops lightly tap on the window.
You are on your back, on the bed, completely naked, except for a splash of dark red lipstick on your gorgeous little lips.
Your wrists are tied to either of the top corners of the bed frame, and I am over top of you… taking you in with my unflinching gaze.
I breathe deeply into my chest as I scan your body from head to toe.
I grab a fist full of your hair and growl at you “Ready little one?”
You moan a sigh of approval.
I plunge myself into you, filling you up… with my impossibly hard cock filling you to the brim. And just when you thought you couldn’t take any more pressure… I slide even further into your beautiful little body.
I slide the restraint off of one of your hands and tell you to touch yourself while I fuck you.
You happily, and wordlessly oblige.
Your hand works your clit into a fury of red hot pleasure as I repeatedly fill you up with my craving cock…
The world around you falls into oblivion as your pussy clenches around me and your body explodes into an ocean of pure bliss…”
Sexting Story 5:
“I want to take you to a cabin for a week.
For the first four days, we won’t touch at all.
No matter how much we want to touch, we have to restrain ourselves.
Separate beds. Eating on separate sides of the table. No cuddling, hand holding, or kissing. Just pure sexual tension and mounting frustration.
On the fifth day, all we will do is touch.
Whoever wakes up first surprises the other one with their mouth.
We will have a race to see who can make the other cum more times.
We will bring our favourite toys, and use them all.
We will touch, and kiss, and go slow, and go fast. We will be gentle, and rough. Loving and tender… selfish and dominant. We will run a marathon in the ways that we fuck each other senseless.
So… ready to pack your bag?”
Alright, that should be plenty of sexting fuel to get you started! As you can see, there are a whole range of tones you can take when sexting, and a whole lot of ways to get creative about it.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable, review the notes about dealing with anxiety and how to take it slow. You can always talk with your partner before you dive in to make yourself feel safer about taking incremental chances.
There’s a whole wide world of digital sexiness out there for you to play with. Sexting gets easier and more fun the more practiced you get with it. So get to it!
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. If you enjoyed this article on sexting, you will also love reading: