Mar 22, 2015

How To Figure Out What Your Ideal Sex Life Looks Like

If you’ve been reading my articles for any length of time you’ll likely know that I’m a huge fan of self-reflecting… especially when it comes to our sex lives.

One exercise that I have a lot of my clients go through is setting aside an hour and writing down what their ideal sex life looks like.

It’s so easy to assume that whatever our culture/society/parents have told us is normal and acceptable to want is what we want… but that’s rarely the case. When we go poking around in our subconscious mind we often find that there are dormant sexual desires that have been ignored for far too long.

Up until now, this writing process has largely been something that I reserved for my private clients. But today… I lift the veil.

So whether you’ve been sexually active for decades and just want to put a little more intentionality into your sexual process, or you’re relatively inexperienced when it comes to sex and you’re wondering how someone would even go about deciding what they want if they haven’t gone through much, then this article will shed some light on your new and exciting path towards sexual freedom and fun.

Before we get into the specifics of what you should be thinking/writing about, we’ll start off with some more general questions that will prime your brain for the coming exercise. I hope you’re as excited as I am about what’s ahead… because OH MAN here it comes! Your ideal sex life awaits.

What Do You Like?

There might be a nagging voice in your mind encouraging you to shy away from this exercise because you feel that you can safely assume that “What I like sexually, I’m already doing. There’s no room for improvement.” And, yes, while your current sex life may very well be deeply satisfying, I believe that we can always go deeper. This isn’t about chasing your strongest orgasm like some kind of orgasm-drug-fiend… this is about using sex as a transformative tool that will undo past emotional wounds, reconnect you with your body like you never thought possible, and deepen the connection and intimacy in your intimate relationship.

Sex is the ultimate tool for personal transformation… when you do it right.

So let’s start with this…

1. What have you already liked in your sexual history?

Quite often, there were certain sexual acts/trends/dynamics that did a lot for us in past relationships that have completely fallen to the wayside. If those things fell out of your regular rotation because you’ve outgrown them, they were specific to that partner, or it just didn’t do it for you anymore, that’s fine. But if you loved it and there’s no reason that you stopped doing it other than you forgot, you might want to bring it back into your sex life.

You’re allowed to want more of what you still miss.

2. What do you often fantasize about that you haven’t acted on in real life?

Fantasies, like our emotions, often try to point our attention to something that we’re not ready or willing to face just yet.

What kinds of thoughts do you have while you masturbate? Even more specifically, what kinds of sexual thoughts do you have in the 5-15 seconds right before you orgasm while you’re masturbating? The thoughts that we use to push ourselves over the edge very often hold keys to what we secretly desire.

While I believe that it’s true that not every fantasy needs to be carried out (some fantasies are hotter when they stay in our minds), I’m sure there are a certain percentage that you may want to try introducing into your sex life with a loving, trusted intimate partner.

3. What have you heard about from friends/lovers/erotica that piqued your interest but you never tried it out?

Sometimes you don’t even know that something is an option sexually until you hear about it from someone else.

I’ve had clients tell me about how they first heard about bondage, anal sex, or costumed role-play when they heard about it from their close friends regarding their relationships. They were gung-ho to try it out… and they would have a lot sooner… but they just didn’t know that it was even a thing that they could try.

So what have you heard about, from any source, in the realm of sexuality that you wouldn’t mind trying out one day? Write it down, do whatever research/prep-work you might need to in order to carry it out, and then bring it up with your partner.

ideal sex life, sex life

10 Specific Things To Consider While Doing This Exercise

So you’re excited to lean into this exercise, but you still want some guidance as to what kinds of things you could be thinking and writing about? Your wish is my command.

Start with these ten points, and let your mind roam free from there.

1. Specific sex acts

Let’s start with where most people’s minds go the fastest… what specific sex acts would you like to be engaging in the most frequently?

You on top? You on the bottom? You giving oral sex? You receiving oral sex? You being tied up? You tying someone up? More cuddling and physical affection around your sexual intimacy? Whatever comes to mind, write it down.

2. Frequency

You have a general idea of what you would like to be engaging in, but how often would you like to be doing each of those acts?

Maybe you want to have penetrative, vaginal sex once a week, and you also want to be giving and receiving oral sex two more times per week. Maybe you’d rather be having sex close to every day, and have less physical affection during the day. Whatever it is, you’re allowed to want it. Put it on the list.

3. Duration

Frequency of sexual intimacy is one thing, but how long do you want each act to last for (approximately)?

Maybe you want to have sex three times per week, but you want two of them to be quickies and one of them to be at least three hours of sexual play. Or maybe the opposite is true.

If it feels true for you, without forcing it, give each sexual act a general duration.

4. Pacing

We’ve talked about frequency and duration… now on to the third element of timing.

What kind of pacing and overall mood do you want your sex life to have? Do you love being taken against a wall and being part of a passionate quickie? Do you love the lazy, slow rising and falling pace of a four hour sexual play date? Do you prefer hours of foreplay, or a quick, subtle glance across a room to initiate things?

Describe the pacing and overall energy in the room for your ideal sex life.

5. What kind of partner/partners

Whether you are single or in a relationship (although understandably this one is more heavily weighted towards the single readers), write briefly about the kind of partner/partners you would want to have to share your sexual intimacy with.

Are they intuitive? Dominant? Submissive? Highly verbal or quiet? Strong? Trusting? Open? Physically affectionate before, during, or after sex? Do you initiate the majority of your sexual encounters or do they? How high is their sex drive?

Describe them in as much detail as you wish.

6. How to communicate about sex

How do you and your partner communicate about sex on a day to day or weekly basis?

Do you initiate sex by hinting in a subtle way? Do you have a mutually agreed upon coding system to tell the other when you’re sexually receptive? Do you prefer the more direct style of your partner verbally asking you “Do you want to have sex?”

However you feel the most comfortable communicating about sex, you are fully within your right to want it that way.

7. Attitude and relationship to sex

What kind of role does sex play in your and your partner’s lives?

Is it something that you do every now and then… like scratching an itch? Is it something that you communicate about regularly from a more analytical viewpoint? Is it one of the most important things in your life? Do you use it as a tool for transformation and spiritual awakening, or do you both go to workshops on partnered sexuality on a regular basis?

Whatever role you wish for sex to play in your life, it’s up to you.

8. Contraception

Sex is indeed pleasurable, and it is also (go figure) a tool used for procreation.

Do you want children? Does your partner want children? If not, what is your ideal method of birth control for you and/or your partner to use?

With pills, patches, shots, condoms, IUD’s and various other methods of keeping the babies at bay as options, this is something worth considering when it comes to what your ideal sex life looks like.

9. Fantasy

Now we start getting into the deeper parts of the comfort zone stretch.

What fantasies do you know that you want to regularly engage in? What fantasies do you want to turn into a reality only for special occasions (for instance, anniversaries or birthdays)?

Whatever fantasy you want to dabble with or have become a regular part of your routine, if it’s popping up in your mind (or in your masturbatory thoughts) then it should go on the list.

10. Your ‘Maybe list’

There are a lot of thoughts that might arise while doing this exercise that you’re not 100% sure that you want to try in real life (or even 5% sure)… and that’s totally fine.

Reserve a section on your ideal sex life list for things that you might (mayyyyybe) want to try one day. Nothing on your list is written in stone, but this last section is the place where you can really let your imagination run wild under the context of “These are the things that I might want to try one day, I think…. kind of… with someone who I am deeply in love with/trust a lot. But even then, maybe not. We’ll see.”

Your Ideal Sex Life Awaits

I’ve had some clients describe the feeling of being five minutes into the exercise and feeling like a spoiled rich kid writing out their Christmas wish list (“I want three tricycles in pink, red, and yellow, I want a trampoline to bounce on twice a week for an hour, I want my own slushie machine that only makes root beer drinks…”). And that’s totally fine! Be selfish. This isn’t your safe and predictable sex list… this is your ideal sex life we’re talking about. So stretch yourself. Push that sexual comfort zone.

You have the tools, now bust out your writing utensils and go to town.

Your heart, your genitals, your lover, and your entire life will thank you.

Dedicated to your success,




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