Sexual desire for your partner ebbs and flows depending on your mood, the season, and how much effort you’ve been putting into your relationship lately.
It’d be all too easy to blame waning sexual desire on the fact that you’ve been together for X number of months/years/decades… but really, sexual desire only drops in relationships when the relationship hasn’t been made a priority in a while. It isn’t time that’s to blame, it’s the effort that’s being consciously put into the relationship.
Having felt the pain of being the low-libido partner in some of my relationships years ago, I know how valuable it would have been to be able to get my hands on my body’s sexual desire dimmer switch. Through working through the issue in my own life, I discovered some surefire ways to rev up my sexual desire for my partner. After passing on my methods to dozens of my private coaching clients and seeing them get the same (if not better) results, I knew I had to pass this information on to others.
So without further ado…
Here are seven ways that you can boost your libido and increase your sexual desire on command.
1. Remove your sexual blocks
Nothing decreases overall sexual desire more than having unresolved internal sexual blocks.
Whether you have sexual trauma from a past experience or experiences, heightened performance anxiety, or grew up with a lot of feedback from your parents/friends/community that sex was something dirty, sinful, or wrong in some way… sexual blocks stop your sexual desire upstream.
It certainly isn’t impossible to have a high libido with unresolved sexual blocks, but sex is often so much more fulfilling, connected, and blissful when we can show up in bed as we truly are without having to hide behind our blocks.
Whether you do private research, work with a registered sex therapist, or talk to a specialized coach, acknowledging and working through your sexual blocks is the first step in increasing your sexual desire for your partner (or for sex in general).
2. Wake up your body
With how plugged in we are in modern society (with technology being a constant in our daily lives) it can often feel like we are just a head with hands. We’re so in our heads that we often feel disconnected from our bodies and our hearts. And while I discussed reconnecting with your heart (by removing your sexual blocks) in point #1, it is equally as important to reconnect with your body.
So how exactly do you reconnect with your body? Move. Go for walks. Exercise. Get massages. Masturbate regularly (not necessarily to orgasm… but simply to get in the habit of experiencing pleasure with your body). Pamper yourself by having a regular bath so you can feel the water rippling against your flesh.
Soon enough, you’ll move with more confidence, you’ll feel less stressed day to day, and your sexual desire will increase. Wake up to your body, drop out of your mind and into your feeling, sensual self, and your sex life will thank you.
3. Take orgasms off of the table
This isn’t the first time I’ve talked about limiting orgasms on my site (ahem)… but this time is a little bit different.
I’ve seen orgasms cause a lot of anxiety in my clients sex lives (both male and female).
It’s most often my male clients being concerned with helping their female partner orgasm “enough” times so that they feel satisfied. Or my female clients often stress about whether or not they’ll achieve an orgasm through penetrative sex with their partner.
My advice? Take orgasms off the table. Make it so that they aren’t an option on certain nights (or during specific sexual play sessions).
(Note: One of my clients calls these times with her husband their “No O time.”)
By taking orgasms out of the picture, you and your partner are free to fully experience the cyclical sexual pleasure that your bodies naturally want to feel without it being a goal-centric endeavour. If you’ve never experienced extended sexual play without orgasms I highly recommend giving it a shot. It’s beautiful, relaxing, calming, and a supremely connecting exercise for you and your partner.
4. Embrace new stimulation and novelty in your bedroom
While routines can make us feel safe and secure in our sex lives, too much predictability can kill our sexual desire. If you can predict your partners every move then it might be time to mix things up a bit.
It doesn’t even have to be something as novel as light bondage or kinky sex… even starting by decorating your room differently (for example, using a new scented candle that you both enjoy) can make a difference in terms of making your sexual play feel new. Other things you can do try out would be giving your partner an extended body massage, putting on your favourite music (whether it’s classic rock, instrumental guitar music, electronic, or any other genre is up to you), or putting on lingerie or buying them a new outfit you want them to wear.
Bottom line: mix it up. Novelty is king when it comes to stirring up sexual desire.
5. Be compassionate with your sexual self
It’s a matter of fact that our sexual desire will ebb and flow depending on certain lifestyle factors that we often have little to no control over. If you get hit with a wave of grief or chronic stress from events outside of your control, your sex drive is going to take a hit. That’s not your fault and hopefully your partner will be understanding enough to support you through it.
One of my favourite ideas/mantras/concepts is doing the best you can, when you can.
To me, that means that some days you’ll show up to the gym and you’ll only be able to do a certain amount of exercise… but you’re still showing up and doing what you can that day.
It’s the same with our sex lives. Some weeks we will have the sexual desire and drive to want to make love to our partners five to ten times. And other weeks when other lifestyle factors are getting in the way, we might only have the desire to have sex once or twice. The trick is to be proactive and stay on top of it as much as you can, while also being compassionate with your sexual self and accepting that you’re the best that you can.
6. Do sentence stem completion work with your partner
Sex doesn’t get talked about enough. And this is especially apparent in relationships. I have several male clients who have admitted to talking about sex with their close guy friends much more than they do with their intimate partners.
One way to engage in healthy dialogue about your sex life with your partner is to do sentence stem completion exercises.
Sentence stem completion exercises go like this…
You propose a sentence stem, and your partner finishes the sentence a certain number of times (or as many times as they can off the top of their head) and then the other partner completes their round of sentences.
So for example, you might say to your partner, “I feel the most comfortable with our sex life when…” and then have them finish the sentence five times.
You can learn so many valuable insights about your partner and your sex life by doing these exercises. If you need some help getting started, here are a few sentence stems that I have found valuable in my life.
“I feel the most comfortable with our sex life when…”
“My favourite thing about our sex life is…”
“The most surefire way to get me in the mood is…”
“One of the hottest things that you do during sex is…”
“If there was anything I would want more of in our sex life, it would be…”
“I feel the most sexually desired when…”
“One thing I would probably like to try at some point would be…”
Try those on for size, or see if you can create your own that make even more sense for you and your partner.
7. Hug for three minutes straight
This tip isn’t as much about cultivating sexual desire as it is about taking your relationships pulse.
If you hug your partner for several minutes straight you will be able to pick up on a lot of cues as to how you are both feeling emotionally at that time.
Do you feel clingy, or the need to hold them extra tightly? Do they feel disengaged and detached? Do either one of you feel stiff or uncomfortable? Our hugs (and the quality of our physical intimacy in general) can tell us a lot about the state of our relationship.
The emotional blocks between the two of you will directly affect your sex life (and overall sexual desire) so this exercise is meant to be a compass that points out how you’re both doing with your feelings of connectedness.
If you want to increase your feelings of connection through words you can read this article on connecting with deep questions, and if you want to increase overall intimacy you can read this article on connection exercises for couples.
Increase Sexual Desire For Your Partner By Being Proactive
As with anything to do with intimate relationships, there isn’t one single solution to heal your way through it… but rather a series of things that you can do that will have a valuable cumulative effect.
If you have felt low sexual desire for a while it might feel like an uphill battle when you first lean in to these exercises… but I assure you that you’ll feel momentum getting back on your side if you commit to it.
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. Are you a man who wants to supercharge his sex life? Check this out.