This question has been asked of me nearly ten times in the past week, so I’m taking it as a sign.
“My partner is excruciatingly vanilla in the bedroom… how do I change that?
“She talked a big game before we ever slept together, but she’s really tame when it comes down to it. Any way to steer her in a more adventurous direction?
“We used to have so much fun exploring each other and doing new stuff… but our love life has cooled off a lot and it’s pretty boring lately. How do we spice it up again?”
While we can’t control other people’s behaviours, we always have a hand in shaping the relationship that we’re in.
If you’re consistently not getting your sexual/emotional needs met, then you’re fully within your right to want to be happier.
Here are the there biggest ways you can encourage your partner to be more adventurous in bed.
1. Praise what they’re already doing
No matter how tame their bedroom skills are, there’s always something to verbally praise.
Nobody will feel compelled to explore their sexuality with you if they feel like they are being attacked or criticized. Remind them of how much you love it when they occasionally bite that spot between your shoulder and your neck, or how good they are at physically leading you into new positions.
Praise and appreciation is almost always the first step in helping shift your partners behaviour. Boost their ego, make them feel (genuinely) loved and safe, and they’ll be a lot more open to the next two steps.
2. Start incorporating small things and see how they respond
This will depend largely on exactly what you’re looking to incorporate into your sex life, but whatever you want to go towards, go there in baby steps.
If you want to have rougher, more sexually polarized sex, try lightly biting your partners lip to see how they respond, or pinning one of their wrists down for a moment, or bringing out a single restraint for use on one of your/their limbs.
If you’re looking to incorporate more toys try starting with a small one (like a pocket vibrator), or a blindfold, or a cock ring. The more positive reference experience they have with the baby steps, the more open they’ll be to seemingly bigger things down the road.
If you want to do more than your one/two/three normal positions, look up something online that excites you (and more importantly that you’ll know that THEY will enjoy) and lead yourselves into it during your next sexual encounter. Your partner won’t feel massively compelled to change anything in your bedroom routine if they already think they’re blissfully happy with what they have… so the way to shift that perspective is by showing them a small 1% change that they love, so that they feel more curious/compelled to try even more with you.
3. Have a candid conversation about wanting to try new stuff
If the rate of change is too slow for you and you want to kick it into super drive, you’ll have to have a candid conversation with them about your sex life.
First, ask them how they’ve been feeling about your sex life lately. Is there anything that they would like to see more of? Anything that they’ve really been enjoying? Anything you can do better to please them more fully?
Explore their side of the situation first. You might be surprised. I’ve had clients whose partners have wanted to kick things up several notches but were too nervous to ask, and all it took was an honest conversation to make them realize that they both wanted it but were both too afraid to bring it up.
Hopefully (if your partner doesn’t have too tender of an ego and they care about making you happy) they’ll ask you similar questions. Is there anything you would like to see more of? Are you happy with our sex life? And if not, then you’ll have to put on your big boy/girl pants and just voice your opinion. Yes, it might be awkward for a moment, but the more tough conversations you can have in your relationship (and in your life) the more character you will have.
Tell them that you really enjoy your sex life with them and that you want to explore new things. Whether it’s some Fifty Shades Of Grey light bondage, some sexual role play, or a greater sense of sexual polarity that you’re after, your partner won’t know that you want it unless you tell them directly.
As much as possible, make sure that you’re framing the conversation in a “I really love you and our sex life, and I want US to do this new stuff together” as opposed to a “I’m unhappy with our sex life because you’ve done something wrong/your performance is lacking.” The first perspective give them the chance to respond to your call to action, the latter will almost undoubtedly make them feel defensive and inadequate.
Finally, start small. If you’ve never done anything remotely sexually adventurous then you don’t want to go sprinting towards the sex shop and coming home with an armload of new toys. You have all the time in the world to explore your sexual self with your partner. Take baby steps towards your goal and it should be a lot more palatable for the more shy/nervous/apprehensive partner to adapt to.
Dedicated to your success,
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