For something so naked, raw, and vulnerable, sex is something that is primed for us to feel overly stripped down about.
We feel exposed. We feel like people can really see us. We feel like whatever egoic smoke and mirrors we create throughout the day (via clothing, make up, achievement, etc.), it’s all taken away from us during sexual intimacy. And we feel this way because it’s true.
Sex can be scary.
And beautiful. And delicious. And amazing. And healthy. And natural. And heart-opening.
But sex is still scary. For some people, it’s scary to a massive degree. And for others, it’s simply a space where they sometimes feel tense, nervous, or more in their heads as opposed to being present in their bodies.
And what’s the most powerful way we can make sex less scary and more heart opening? Communication.
Communication has been beaten to death in every relationship article/book/program in the history of humans, and for good reason. It is that essential to a healthy, thriving intimate relationship. But how can better communication impact our sex lives?
Talk Before Sex
How do you and your partner express interest in wanting to share sexual intimacy? Is it purely non-verbal? Do you communicate desire by kissing, grabbing them in a certain way, or by hinting with an agreed upon cue that you’re in the mood? Or do you tell them explicitly that you want to have sex with them? Neither approach is more wrong or right than any other… there is only what works best for the two of you.
I have had many clients whose partners appreciate the directness of “Can we have sex tonight?” I also have clients whose partners need them to merely hint in the direction of sex by being extra grabby with them throughout the day, kissing their neck more often, or saying “We should probably go to bed early tonight.”
And if you don’t know what your partner wants when it comes to broadcasting sexual interest (whether you’ve been dating for five days or five decades), why not ask them? Explicitly ask them, “When I’m in the mood to have sex with you, how would you most want me to bring that up? Is there something you would want me to ask, or do? What would feel the most natural for you?”
For such a seemingly complex problem for a lot of people, the solution is simple. And it comes back to communication.
Talk During Sex
You like your partner right? And you want them to be the most deeply, sexually satisfied person they possibly can be with you, right?
Well, while moans, groans, arched backs, sweat, hitched breaths, and pulled hair can definitely be indicators of how much your partner is enjoying themselves, the best indicator of how they’re feeling is communication.
The vast majority of people are chronically under-verbal when it comes to sexual intimacy.
Tell your partner exactly what you like, while you are in the best position possible to get them to implement your real-time feedback. Are they going down on you and you want something done a tiny bit differently? Tell them. Do you want to change positions and slow down a bit? Tell them. Do you want to bust out some new wrist restraints/a vibrator/a new position that you read about? Tell them.
Now, just because you tell them something it doesn’t mean that they have to willingly oblige your request. But why have your thoughts live and die in your mind, when in a matter of seconds they could be your new reality? Your little moment of courage just might lead you to one of the best orgasms of your life.
Regardless of your age, gender, or orientation… regardless of whether you’re engaging in oral, penetrative sex, or dry humping… regardless of whether you’ve been dating for weeks, years, or decades… you’re allowed to tell your partner exactly what you would like to have happen in your sex life.
It’s your body. It’s your orgasm. It’s your sex life. It’s your responsibility.
Communicate more. You, your partner, and your sexual satisfaction will be glad you did.
Talk After Sex
Sometimes it’s too challenging to communicate during sex because you’re enjoying yourself too thoroughly, and there isn’t any corrective feedback to give (which is a great problem to have).
When things are going so well in your sexual play, it’s great to communicate to your partner after sex how much you enjoyed something (so they know for future reference).
Something as simple as some quick pillow talk before you drift off to sleep of “Baby, that was sexy as hell when you grabbed me in this way/did this thing with your tongue/took control and put me where you wanted me.”
You can tell them immediately after, the next morning over breakfast, or via text once you’ve gone your separate ways to work.
Whenever you do it and however you deliver the message, tell your partner what works for you after it’s happened. Even if they already knew/could tell that you liked something, everyone loves hearing that they did something well and that their partner is satisfied with them.
Love something about your sex life? Tell them.
Talk About Sex
It’s also good to have weekly/monthly/periodic check ins about how you both feel about your sex life. I talk about this in my article 10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship, and it bears repeating.
Periodically checking in with your partner regarding your sex life might not be the easiest thing for a lot of people, but guess what, the best relationships take work. If you want your relationship to thrive and not just exist, it’s going to take some effort and courage to make it come alive.
Start with questions like…
– How do you feel about our sex life lately?
– Is there anything you wish we were doing more of in our sex life lately?
– How do you feel about how often we’re having sex?
– Is there anything new you’d like to start incorporating into our sex life?
– Is there anything you’d like to shift about how our sex life has been lately?
As always, calibrate your questions to your specific needs. Without knowing your unique situation personally, you know your relationship better than I do. Some of the above questions will resonate, and others won’t. You get to make up your own questions if none of the above make sense for where you and your partner are at.
Bottom line, sex is one of the most under-talked about elements of our relationships. And you can avoid so much frustration, anxiety, and sexual dissatisfaction by communicating your sexual needs and learning the needs of your partner.
It won’t always be easy, but it’ll be worth it.
Dedicated to your success,