Aug 2, 2015

5 Questions To Ask Your Partner For Better Sex

Sex doesn’t get talked about enough.

The word ‘communication’ can be found in 99% of modern relationship advice/literature… but it’s rarely to do with our sex lives. It’s usually focused around dissolving conflict, going deeper in your relationship, or expressing jealousy. All of which are totally valid things to want to work on.

And some arguments can be best served with a passionate, emotionally present night of sexual play faster than they can be with words.

That being said… sex! How are we not talking about it with our partners more? Well, we are now.

Let’s do this.

Here are five questions to ask to increase the quality of your sex life. Some might be easier for you than others, but I promise that if you implement them, you’ll notice benefits from each and every question.

1. What have been some of your favourite sexual experiences (whether between us or with others)? What was it about those experiences that you loved so much?

You may have to set your triggered ego aside for this one because, spoiler alert, your partner likely had sexual experiences before they met you.

When you and your partner think back on the entirety of your individual sexual history, what moments or experiences stand out to you as the hottest/most erotic/most deeply satisfying?

This is a question that really deserves to be pondered. Give it a few days. Journal about it. Talk about it.

What have been the best sexual experiences of your life? What have been some of your partners? And then, once verbalized, are each of you willing to incorporate that experience or some version of it into your sex life?

Granted, some experiences you’ll want to keep in the past, but if there’s something that you and your partner (or one of your former partners) used to do that you really miss, you’re allowed to introduce it into your present day sex life.

2. What does your ideal sex life look like?

I’ve written about this in the past, and if you want to see the full run down, you can read my article on it here.

What does your ideal sex life look like? What kind of frequency would make you the happiest? What specific acts would you want to engage in on a weekly basis? What kind of emotional content do you want your lovemaking to have? Does your ideal sex life involve cuddling? Bondage? Morning quickies? Ample cuddling? Whatever you want, you’re allowed to want it.

Think about it, chat about it, and incorporate whatever you both find agreeable.

3. What do you love about our current sex life?

If you’re doing these questions in order with your partner (totally up to you) then the first two questions might have kicked up some interesting new ideas. This question is about reminding you both of what is already working for each of you.

What specifically do you already enjoy about the sexual play that you and your partner regularly engage in?

You might be surprised as to what answers bubble up to the surface for yourself and from your partner. The simplest thing that you love might be a total shock to them, and similarly, they might verbalize something that was totally off of your radar. These little surprises are what makes these exercises/questions so valuable. Even if you’ve been with your partner for years, you don’t know unless you ask.

4. Is there anything you would like to be doing more of together in our sex life?

Maybe you used to do something together frequently when you first started dating, but then it fell by the wayside. Maybe a certain position got lost in the shuffle because one of you secretly felt less confident while you were having sex in that position. Whatever the reasons are that sexual habits fall out of favour, it’s good to talk about them.

Is there anything in you and your partners sex life that either one of you wants to re-integrate into your sex life?

5. Is there anything new you have wanted to try, but weren’t sure if you were allowed to want it?

For countless unfortunate reasons, there’s so much shame tied to our relationship to our sexuality. Well meaning parents, peers, movies, media, and misguided early sexual educators give us a lot of faulty beliefs around what is considered “normal” in what we’re allowed to want when it comes to sex. So this is the shame melting round of the exercise.

What would you like to try, if you weren’t afraid to ask? What do you need the permission to ask for? What sexual acts do you feel like you don’t deserve?

If you’ve been following me for a while then you’ve likely heard of “spoiling sessions” (and if not, check out tip #3 on this post). Spoiling sessions are a perfect example of an exercise in sexual receptivity that brings up a lot of anxiety for certain people. It’s not always easy to explicitly ask for what we want. But it is uber-valuable and super fun once we get to the place of being comfortable with it.

So what, in your sex life, would you ask for if you knew that your partner could potentially be open to it?

Want Better Sex? Just Ask

Communication is vitally important in any relationship. Sex is just as vital (however you define sex for yourself).

By intentionally setting aside time to talk with your significant other about the status of your sex life, you could save yourself years of pain, and add that much more joyous sexual play into your daily life. So the question isn’t “Will asking these questions be worth the potential awkwardness?”, but rather, “How can I afford not to have this conversation with my partner?”

Your new and improved sex life starts today.

And fellas, if you haven’t already, check out my video course Supercharge Your Sex Life. You’ll find lots of great tips and tricks that will help you on your journey towards sexual mastery and get even more mental, emotional, and sexual prompts that will help you craft your ideal sex life.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
5 Ways To Eliminate Performance Anxiety
Dec 15, 2014
Jordan Gray
5 Ways To Eliminate Performance Anxiety
There’s nothing more normal than performance anxiety. I’ve been working with men who have had frequent or occasional bouts of sexual dysfunction (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, etc.) and performance anxiety for the past six years. Let me start off by saying that there is nothing more normal,...
Continue Reading
7 Things Men Can Learn From Fifty Shades Of Grey
Oct 7, 2014
Jordan Gray
7 Things Men Can Learn From Fifty Shades Of Grey
Ever heard of Fifty Shades Of Grey? It recently became the best-selling sex book of all time. While I’m somewhat glad that the book exists because it puts certain elements of kink/BDSM into mainstream culture and has started a more global conversation about these lifestyles (in a terribly misrepresentative...
Continue Reading
How To Handle The Pain Of Sexual Rejection From Your Partner
Nov 28, 2020
Jordan Gray
How To Handle The Pain Of Sexual Rejection From Your Partner
Ever been sexually rejected by your partner? If you've ever been in a relationship that's lasted longer than six months, the answer would be yes. I recently got this email from a reader, and I decided to answer it in a long-form article, as I know that others would benefit from it. Here's the letter,...
Continue Reading
Slow Sex: How To Magnify Your Sexual Pleasure
Mar 8, 2016
Jordan Gray
Slow Sex: How To Magnify Your Sexual Pleasure
Ever heard of slow sex? If not, you’re about to. Today I’m going to deep dive into what slow sex is, why it matters, and why it could be the thing that single handedly revitalizes your relationship, magnifies the sexual pleasure that both you and your partner feel, and reduces stress,...
Continue Reading
How To Get Your Partner To Be More Adventurous In Bed
Oct 26, 2014
Jordan Gray
How To Get Your Partner To Be More Adventurous In Bed
This question has been asked of me nearly ten times in the past week, so I’m taking it as a sign. “My partner is excruciatingly vanilla in the bedroom… how do I change that? “She talked a big game before we ever slept together, but she’s really tame when it comes down to it. Any way to steer...
Continue Reading
How To Strengthen Your Penis For Better Sex: Lasting Longer and Harder
Apr 1, 2014
Jordan Gray
How To Strengthen Your Penis For Better Sex: Lasting Longer and Harder
Have you ever suffered from bouts of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation (especially when it mattered the most to you to perform well)? Want to feel more confident about your sex life, instead of anxious? Want to know you'll forever be able to sexually provide for your partner? AND be up...
Continue Reading