Ejaculating too quickly can happen for many reasons.
Maybe it was your first time with a new partner, or you hadn’t cum in a week and you had built up a lot of sexual energy. Maybe you habitually indulge in super intense mental fantasies, rather than being in the moment with someone, which rushes you to the finish.
But premature ejaculation can also be caused by less common and conventional scenarios. These are deeper psychological and energetic themes that you rarely hear being talked about.
Most of the answers you’ll find to the question “why do I cum so quickly?” will focus on examples like the ones above, or masturbation habits, pornography, and general stress levels.
But the truth is: your body and mind are often much stranger and more nuanced than that.
Yes, being over-excited, or training yourself to hit climax ASAP through bad self-pleasure habits are definitely common causes.
However, erections and ejaculation are extremely intimate parts of a man’s life, and very vulnerable to impact from psychological baggage, whereas biology and hormones are usually thought of as the only orbiting moons that pull the fluctuating boner tides.
On a metaphysical level, ejaculation is directly tied your relationship with women, and the state of your creative life.
(As a heterosexual man, with a large hetero readership, it’s easier for me to generalize in these terms. But these principles apply to gay men and all orientations just the same. Feel free to substitute “women” for the gender of your affection.)
The Psychological Connection
If you don’t think your psychology and energetics have an impact on your cock, consider the simple example of how your desire for your partner can fluctuate wildly from one week to the next.
One day you’ll be drooling over her body, get rock hard, and want to have sex with her daily.
Then, you might have a fight, or a disagreement, or you feel attacked/shamed by something that she said, and suddenly you feel zero sexual energy for her.
In fact, you might even feel repelled, and find yourself fantasizing about leaving the relationship, or sleeping with other women.
Until you can process, or express and clear that hurt, resentment or anger you’ve built up beneath the surface, it will either kill your sexual desire (erections), or greatly impact your performance (ejaculation).
These same effects are caused by much more slippery things like unconscious avoidance and fear.
Does Premature Ejaculation = Avoidance?
One of the key themes you’ll see throughout here is that lasting longer in bed requires being more sensual and in your body.
But emotional and psychological factors – like fear and resentment – prevent us from being able to do that fully.
So, if you don’t feel safe with your partner, or are subtly avoiding her, you certainly won’t want to be fully present for her on some level, and push the eject (or “ejac”) button early.
Throughout the day, we perform all kinds of involuntary avoidance behaviours that fly beneath our radar. We learn how to protect ourselves while running on auto-pilot.
Premature ejaculation could be just another one of those self-protective behaviours.
If you’re struggling with premature ejaculation, and don’t find the conventional advice lands, you might find something very unexpected on this list that resonates with you. But only you can identify that for yourself.
A good way to tell is by paying attention to how your body feels while you read. It knows better than you do. Your mind may not be able to see what’s really happening in the background, but your body can recognize it immediately.
Get present, settle in, and consider these five less common reasons for premature ejaculation:
1. You fear women
Women wield an immense power over men, whether they know it or not. They are often our primary and only source (dysfunctionally so) of love, affection, validation, and affirmation.
Men desperately need women, but it’s more than they’re able to admit. Because of this, most men carry an unnamed fear of them, which affects them in many different ways. It could cause some men to be sheepish and unsure, to avoid upsetting and threatening their source of love, or cause them overcompensate for their vulnerability by trying to dominate and control women (which is still a way to control their source of love).
The sheepish man will completely lose his will and assertiveness around women, and fuse with them, while the dominant/reactive man on the other pole will resort to being overly assertive, defensive.
Either way, he’s motivated by the fear of being overwhelmed and losing himself, or his source of love.
Wrapped up into this fear is also a deep concern for the judgment of women, because their positive attention will satisfy his need to be viewed as good and lovable, or a desirable sexual object (which ultimately boils down to the same thing).
Staying confidently and presently sexually engaged with a woman requires a deep level of comfort and safety to be there with her, and to assume some level of control over the situation.
If you’re covertly looking to avoid being seen, judged, or controlled by her, your cock will try to let you off the hook early to push away from confronting this fear of the immensity of the feminine.
And some of these fear-based automatic protection behaviours not only serve as buffers but also ways to confirm the negative beliefs we have.
If you have a shame complex around not being good enough around women, or not being confident and able to satisfy them, prematurely ejaculating could be a way you’re able to go, “See!? Fuck, I know deep down I’m not enough/a real man,” and feel all the awful emotions surrounding that.
To get over this, the man needs to develop a good degree of self-acceptance and the personal freedom to express his sexuality.
Having self-acceptance softens the unconscious agenda to seek approval, and makes you less impacted by the opinions of others.
Combined with healing your relationship with your sexual energy, this will provide you the personal freedom to express and healthily assert yourself sexually with women – free from fear and concern.
2. You fear your partner
Not every man deals with a blanket fear of women. For some, it might be more targeted toward their specific partner.
This would especially be the case for men with strong or overbearing mothers who consistently crossed their boundaries or undermined their decisions. Beneath the rule of a firm, domineering (and maybe even volatile) matriarch, boys will tend to have a bit of shrinking violet syndrome.
As a child, perhaps he couldn’t fight back against his mother’s overwhelming power – which instilled a general sense of fear toward her – so the only plausible adaptive strategy to cope is to shut down and become softer and more passive.
At the same time, deep down, he develops a repressed rage toward his mother for feeling so controlled, and having to cork his wilder energy.
As we grow, we all tend to attract partners that remind us of our parents, and repeat those same dynamics.
If you’re a man who resonates with this background, you’ll usually end up with women who have strong personalities and opinions, who are successful, connected to their will and openly express it, and may have a bit of a critical streak.
This is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s exactly the challenge you need to evolve and mature.
You’re unconsciously looking to draw a familiar attachment relationship (one where you often feel at risk of being overpowered), while trying to give it a happier ending, which ultimately requires you to behave differently in order to transform the situation.
In short, you have to learn to grow up and assert yourself. Instead of shrinking, rise up and speak up for what matters to you.
So, if there’s some level of fear toward your partner, or a feeling of being less than her (in confidence, success, clarity of purpose, etc.) then you probably won’t allow yourself to stay in deep intimacy with her for an extended period of time.
Whether it’s women in general, or your specific partner, you can implement the same remedy of working on self-acceptance, as well as your sense of authority with your sexual energy.
Alongside the fear of your woman, that potential habit of repressing rage can also produce another side-effect of stockpiling resentment, which spills into the next possibility…
3. There is too much stuff going unnamed in your relationship
A very common block to the ability to be present and embodied, and therefore keeping your sexual stamina, is having too much stuff going unsaid and unnamed between you and your significant other.
The only way through this particular block is to engage head on and begin clearing this shit out of the way.
This can be a deeply uncomfortable process, especially if you’re being run by any level of concern for her judgement, or hurting her, or tarnishing your image.
It requires you to step out off a ledge and venture into unknown territory. You don’t know exactly how you’re going to express yourself, or how it’s going to be perceived. Facing into and evaporating this fear and avoidance will go a long way.
Whether you want to talk about rekindling your sex life, or voicing some mounting judgments, all you need for the best possible outcome is two things:
- You have a sincere desire to repair/improve, and it’s far stronger than the desire to be right and to make your partner feel wrong about something.
- You understand most of what you’re clearing out is your own bullshit, and it has little or nothing to do with them.
This way, when you’re dumping out your mind and addressing issues, it doesn’t have an attacking or belittling energy. It puts you on the same team, with an air of love and respect.
If you know you need to clear the air and have some overdue chats, here are some tips for how to effectively move through communicating these things.
To start, use those two points to frame the conversation in a way that invites your partner to show up into a container of love, safety, and non-judgment.
“I’m noticing that I have some thoughts and feelings getting in the way of feeling connected and fully intimate with you, and that’s my top priority, so I just wanted to share some of the stories I’ve been running through my mind and get back on track with you.”
With this intention expressed, it sets both of you up to be open. Sometimes, what you have to say won’t even involve something the other person has done, but purely something you’ve been struggling with privately that’s affecting you. In that case, you can just share it, rather than fully following the model below.
Also, people can legitimately cross the line, and it’s not just about airing your “story”. You might be vulnerably sharing a moment you need your partner to acknowledge in order to restore a sense of respect and connection. It’s perfectly fine to express that need as well from a balanced place.
In most cases, when you’re sharing specific interactions you can use the following structure:
“When [x] happened, I felt/thought [y], and that caused me to [z].”
X = the objective facts of the event, or their action, or words (without dramatization)
Y = your emotional response (again: it’s your response. They didn’t make you feel it.)
Z = your reaction, or behavioural response (often about avoidance or “getting even”.)
You can go one step further to complete the package by adding the following:
“And it affected me that way because [a], and I wish I could have just [b]. What I really want going forward is [c].”
A = the deeper reason you were triggered (ie. you want to feel sexy, or felt unheard.)
B = what you could have done differently (which is often just speaking up neutrally in the moment) to improve the situation sooner
C = what you will do in the future, or want to invite your partner to do
Adding this element in brings the conversation further toward completion by getting back to how you want to upgrade and move forward.
It’s always a good idea to start by making sure they have the time and focus to sit down and have an important conversation. You can also ditch the structure (or, if you don’t like the above structure, use this one instead) and just talk freely for 10 minutes each to vomit out all the clutter.
With all your bullshit suddenly out of the way, the ability and raw desire to be present and intimate massively spike, which will extend the time and increase the passion of your sex sessions.
4. You let the world take your energy too easily
Simply put: your boundaries might suck.
Ejaculating too easily can be the equivalent of someone asking you for help with something that you don’t really want to do, but you feel too guilty to say “No”, so you just go along with it and drain your energy.
It also takes internal boundaries to control your climax. You might either be letting her take control, or letting your mental fantasies take control and run their own course.
In both cases, the antidote is to push back and assert yourself.
In order to do this, you need to both respect and be engaged with your internal process. You need to be in touch with your gut, what it is you want, and protect the resources needed to execute those directives, while sticking with the process of doing so.
Basically, you have to be a little selfish, in a self-aware way.
This is exactly what’s needed when practicing tools for lasting longer in bed. You bring deep awareness into your body and take control of the currents of your sexual energy and swelling arousal.
Sometimes this means taking a quick break, or deep breaths. But you’re not letting yourself be taken for a ride (literally) farther than you want to go. Again, that could be by her, or your own mind.
5. You are doing work that is misaligned with your highest purpose
When you engage in work that’s unfulfilling and off-course with your highest purpose in life, it takes a toll on your body, mind, and spirit.
What’s draining about it is not only the effort it takes to get out of bed and get through the day, but also in the energy it takes to suppress the pain created from ignoring your heart and purpose, and the deeply uncomfortable uncertainty that comes with taking that quest.
When you finally do get around to having sex with your partner, your body might be so exhausted from all this that it’s desperately seeking a sense of reprieve and release from the drudgery and pain.
So, you cum quickly in order to get the rush of opiates that the brain dumps upon orgasm.
The remedy to get past this one is a long and winding path. But it starts with acknowledging the misalignment. Next, and most importantly, is taking proactive strides forward, rather than getting negative and hopeless about the situation.
Take note of what resonated with you while reading, or stirred up some kind of somatic reaction. There’s a good chance that could be part of what’s causing issues with premature ejaculation.
If you felt a “hit”, I’d recommend journaling about it to start the journey and keep opening up whatever insight is there for you.
A while it might not obviously be about masturbating or how you’ve trained yourself to have orgasms, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to pair this enquiry with some of my tools and strategies for increasing sexual stamina.
If you keep following your curiosity and continue to deepen awareness around these dynamics, you’ll see big changes in your experience with ejaculation.
Dedicated to your success,
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