You lie on your back. Your chest is heaving with a rapid and full breath.
Your performance was a stellar one and you did everything that Maxim told you to.
You look over to witness her expression and your stomach drops.
Not only does she not look blissed out in a post-orgasmic whirlwind of happiness, she looks upset. Frustrated. Distant.
You reach out to stroke her arm and you notice she pulls back a little bit when you do.
This can’t be good.
So where did you go wrong?
Is Something Wrong?
When it comes to sex, what men tell each other women want and what women actually want are often two very different things.
Porn tells us that we should be pretzeling our lovers into ridiculous positions in order to make them squirt bucket loads of ejaculate that flows out with ease. Our buddies tell us to do this specific technique with our tongue that is guaranteed to make any woman climax in under three minutes every time without fail.
And what we end up with is a sexual situation of the blind leading the blind.
Your Sexual Ego
Your ego, simply put, is your sense of self-importance. Your ego keeps you alive because it makes sure that you are self-interested enough to feed yourself, and keep on living. But when your sexual ego starts playing the ‘look at me’ game too much, then you come across as caring more about how impressive your performance was compared to how much your partner enjoyed themselves.
What You Can Do To Kill Your Sexual Ego
No single sexual technique will ever work for all people (men or women) sexually.
Even though it’s very intriguing to be able to lump women into one easy-to-please category of “Just-do-this-one-thing-and-they-all-love-it!”, the human sexual arousal response doesn’t work like that.
So how do you make sure that you are showing up as your sex best sexual self for your partner, and how do you get rid of your bad sexual conditioning that teaches you to be any one rigid way in bed?
How To Kill Your Sexual Ego
1. Ask Your Former/Current Lover(s) What They Thought Of Your Sexual Performance
While it might not be the easiest thing to send to a former lover, the only way you’re going to get honest feedback about your sexual performance is to explicitly ask for it.
Ask them if they felt seen by you. Ask them if they felt like you ever truly knew them. Ask them how present you seemed when sleeping with them.
Or, if you are in a relationship, ask your current partner for feedback.
There might not be as much value in asking your ex-girlfriend from when you were sixteen years old and your sexual abilities were drastically less mature. But there is validity in asking your partner from the past 5-10 years of sexual experience.
You might be surprised as to what kind of feedback you get.
2. Ask Your Female Friends What Their Opinion Is Of You As A Potential Sexual Partner
Some of the best feedback that I’ve ever received from women have been through my platonic female friendships.
Asking questions like “Based on what you know about me, how do you think I would be in bed?” gift you with such a gold mine of information that will save you years of struggling with sexual performance.
Women pick up on details that most men never stop to think about.
Your sexual energy is portrayed in how tense you are when you hold your fork, how you dance in public, and how well you listen in your conversations.
Your demeanour betrays whether you would be a soft, and patient lover, or a dark, and dominant one.
So what energy do your friends see in you? What are you communicating to the world?
You don’t know what you don’t know until you seek to find out. So ask them! Blame it on this article if you need to.
3. Create A Safe Space For Your Partner To Open To You
Women (like all people) need to feel safe in order to open up emotionally and sexually.
Tell your partner “I always want you to feel comfortable with me in bed. I want to work on our relationship and becoming your ultimate lover so please tell me if I ever do something that makes you uncomfortable. Or if I ever feel less than present I want you to know that you can call me on it so i come back to you. I am always welcome to feedback if it means that it makes me a better person, and helps you feel more seen and loved.”
Is this safe, normal, run of the mill over-breakfast kind of conversation? Probably not.
But depth, combined with safety, is sexy.
4. Acknowledge What Your Greatest Tools Are
Despite what your inbox’s spam folder would lead you to believe, the size of your cock or the amount of ejaculate that you spew (am I the only one who gets these emails?) is not at the top of the list of the value that you bring to the bedroom.
Your three best tools are your eyes (for seeing her), your tongue (for speaking to her), and ears (for listening to her).
Learn to be aware of her in all moments so you can calibrate your sexual energy and performance to what she needs then.
Sometimes she will need you to be gentle and kiss her face lightly. Other times she will need you to hold her wrists down and sink your teeth into her shoulder. But you won’t know what she needs unless you are paying attention.
What Truly Makes A Good Lover?
We can all make improvements when it comes to going deeper in our sex lives.
Stop listening to the half-assed advice from your friends and magazines and start listening to the breath, heartbeat, and rhythms of your partners arousal.
Don’t try to be impressive… just be present.
Dedicated to your success,