Every week, people ask me what books I would recommend for them to further their understanding of sex and relationships. Having been someone that has been self-educating on sex, psychology, and relationships for the past decade, and having read hundreds of books on the subject, I feel fairly qualified to pass on a few of my top picks.
While there are few perfect examples of books that I 100% agree with, there are some books that I find myself recommending the most frequently to my clients.
I believe that it’s beneficial to have a well rounded perspective and take your favourite aspects from multiple concepts into your love life.
Here are the seven books that I find myself recommending the most often for people to read to have a more highly optimized love life.
1. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden
This is one of my favourite books of all time and I recommend it to my clients frequently.
I would summarize this book in the sentence: “Nobody is coming to save you. You have to invest in your relationship to yourself in order to truly flourish.”
What is it about?
A book that systematically breaks down exactly what self-esteem is, how it helps you in your life and relationships, and what you can do to have more self-love and self-acceptance.
Why will it benefit you?
By understanding the building blocks of how to have a better relationship with yourself, you overflowing self-esteem and confidence will bleed into your relationship and ultimately make you a better and more attentive relationship partner.
Who will benefit the most?
Anyone who feels like they are someone who frequently struggles to meet life’s demands, has had bouts of anxiety or depression, or someone with chronically negative self-talk.
(You can pick up the book by clicking here.)
2. That’s Not What I Meant – by Deborah Tannen
While it is an overly gendered read that doesn’t necessarily show “men” and “women” as they are, this book is a fascinating read on understanding peoples varying communication styles.
What is it about?
This book breaks down exactly why couples will have arguments about something when nothing at all has actually been disagreed upon. People speak differently, and the most common linguistic divides are explained in this book.
Why will it benefit you?
Whether you are single, dating, or married, this book will help you better understand how everyone in your life communicates in varying ways and will give you more patience and understanding with other peoples ways of communicating.
Who will benefit the most?
People who either feel chronically misunderstood, or people who are prone to a lot of arguments, fights, and misunderstandings in any of their personal or intimate relationships.
(You can pick up the book by clicking here.)
3. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
This 1995 classic has sold millions of copies, and deservedly so. A great starting place book for people to read to better understand how they and their partner experience love.
What is it about?
This book gives a simple model for five of the most common ways that people feel and experience love in their intimate relationships.
Spoiler alert… the five love languages are words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.
Why will it benefit you?
It gives you and your partner a better understanding of yourselves and each other. Once you know your partners primary and secondary love language, you can love them in the way that they best experience love.
Who will benefit the most?
People who feel chronically unloved in their relationships or couples that have a large amount of seemingly unnecessary arguments.
(You can pick up the book by clicking here.)
4. Wild Nights by David Deida
While this is absolutely one of my favourite books in this list, it certainly isn’t for everyone. I tend to recommend this book the most to my most spiritual/hippie friends because it goes into some really deep themes about love and sex. The first time I read this book, I had full body shivers repeatedly. Of all of the books in my physical library, this one has the most yellow highlighter throughout the pages.
What is it about?
A semi-autobiographical book by David Deida about his spiritual path being shaped and directed by a character named Mykonos. Mykonos teaches the young protagonist about how sex is a spiritual practice, and our bodies and hearts are hyper-connected entities.
Why will it benefit you?
If you’ve ever struggled with the idea that a developed spiritual practice and sexual pleasure can’t be enjoyed by the same person (in the same lifetime, or in the same moment) then this book will shift a lot of paradigms for you. The story is so well presented and the numerous scenes of orgies, accessing a concept of a higher being through sex, and opening your heart to others in every moment of your life are al eloquently contained within this short read.
Who will benefit the most?
People will strict religious upbringings and people who meditate frequently. Also, anyone who feels reluctant to accept sexual pleasure or who feels strange about diving into having a rich sex life with their partner. Like I said, this book isn’t for everyone… but for the ones who benefit from it, it will be one of the greatest books you’ve ever read (at least it was for me).
(You can pick up the book by clicking here.)
5. Models by Mark Manson
One of the small handful of people whose body of work I have a massive amount of respect for within the relationship industry, this is Mark Manson’s best piece of work so far (as of 2014).
What is it about?
Attracting women through honesty, authenticity, and vulnerability. While the book is relatively more focused on how to attract women, all of the advice applies for making a long-term relationship thrive as well.
Why will it benefit you?
Men tend to get a lot of backwards advice about what attracts women (mainly: hide your emotions, always appear tough and in control, and trick her into liking you). This book is one of the best primers on what an attractive mindset looks like and how you can step into it.
Who will benefit the most?
Anyone that loved and read The Game when they were younger. Anyone who has been brainwashed into thinking that money, flashy cars, or external material goods are what attract a partner. Anyone who has ever called themselves a pick up artist. Anyone who finds it difficult to authentically relate to women.
(You can pick up the book by clicking here.)
6. Keep Her Captivated by Jordan Gray
I wrote this book because I received the question “How do I be the best partner/boyfriend/husband possible?” so many times that I lost count. This book contains a ton of my biggest ideas on exactly how to be the ultimate relationship partner.
Frustrated by the lack of actionable steps in most other authors books I took it upon myself to give people the answer to “But what do I DO to be a better partner?”.
Some people find this book to be a little bit too dense (as in, I didn’t fill it with anecdotes or fluff) and they have to go through it in chunks. The book is pure action items. The chapters read in a highly staccato “Do this, do that, and if you run into this roadblock do this other thing.”
What is it about?
How to take your relationship to it’s maximum potential and be the best boyfriend/husband/partner possible.
Why will it benefit you?
You’ll learn how to be a better communicator, how to dissolve (and prevent) arguments from happening, and how to be the most loving partner possible. You’ll be better at praise and appreciation, better at the daily rituals of love, and better in bed because of this book.
Who will benefit the most?
People who already feel like they are a fairly good partner but want to further optimize their love lives. This book is not a “beginners guide” to relationships. It’s for people who want to further improve how they show up in their intimate relationships.
(You can pick up the book by clicking here.)
7. Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
One of the most loved and most hated book series of the past few years, Fifty Shades of Grey took the world by storm as a cultural phenomenon. While the books are fairly poorly written (they were written as Twilight fan fiction), and the content of the series massively misrepresents kink/BDSM culture, there is a LOT to be learned from this series. I have recommended this to a lot of my clients and they have gleaned a lot of value from reading them.
What is it about?
On the surface, it’s a book about a hot, kinky billionaire who falls in love with a young virginal university student. On a deeper level, it’s a book series about how a driven, intentional, focused man woos and falls in love with a woman while opening her sexually through emotionality, praise, and attention. I recently wrote a full write up on what men can learn from Christian Grey.
Why will it benefit you?
It will expand your idea of what a man loving can look like. It gives a tangible, yet fictitious, role model for the kinds of internal characteristics that over 100 million people (primarily female readers) responded deeply to.
Who will benefit the most?
Anyone with a sexually repressed or strict religious upbringing. Anyone who thinks that people who engage in kink/BDSM are somehow damaged or bad. Anyone who is slightly curious about expanding their bedroom exploration. Anyone who is reserved about loving with abandon.
(You can pick up the book by clicking here.)
. . .
I hope that I went through a few books that you’ve never read and that maybe one or two of them piqued your interest.
There is some real quality in the aforementioned list and I’d recommend checking out one or two of the titles that stood out to you.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. My book is probably the best book on how to have the ultimate relationship out there… so make sure you have that one to start.
Pps. Here are some honourable mentions that didn’t quite make the cut, but you may still be interested in them for further reading.
Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha
The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller
You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen
Ppps. Want to see my updated list for this year? You can check that out here.
