Mar 16, 2015

How To Get Your Partner To Initiate Sex More Often

“How do I get my partner to initiate sex with me more often?”

This is one of a handful of questions that I get asked on a weekly basis that makes me internally cringe.

Why?

Because, while I empathize with how bad it can feel to not have a sense of sexual connection with your partner, to me the question feels the same as when people ask “How do I make more money?”

It bothers me because you’re looking at the wrong part of the equation. And therefore you’re asking the wrong question.

Don’t focus on how to make more money… focus on how to add more value.

Don’t focus on why you have no energy… focus on what food you’re putting into your body.

Don’t focus on how to get your partner to initiate sex more often… focus on the current state of your relationship and how you can improve your overall sense of connection so that your partner will be more sexually receptive.

In other words, don’t focus on the result… focus on your process!

So… what can you do, in more tangible terms, to get your partner to initiate sex more often? Start with these six things.

1. Don’t expect sex simply because they’re your partner

Yes, it’d be great if your partner was so attracted to you that they simply had a never ending supply of sexual desire that was focused on you and only you for all eternity. In reality? Sexual desire ebbs and flows, and there will be occasions where your partner’s sexual desire has a dry spell and you will feel it.

But one of the fastest ways that you can turn your partner off is to expect them to have sex with you just because they’re your partner. This is the definition of taking your partner for granted. Expectation is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac.

Just because you are in a relationship with your partner doesn’t mean that you get to stop proactively loving them, wooing them, courting them… whatever you want to call it… the same way that they don’t have to automatically be turned on by you at the drop of a hat.

Relationships take work.

If you stopped creating value at your job, you would stop getting money.

If you stop investing effort in to your relationship, sometimes, you stop receiving sexual pleasure via your partner.

2. Feel good about yourself

If your life isn’t going like you want it to (outside of your relationship) and you’re craving sex with your partner as a means of external validation (i.e. the subtext being that you are worthy enough of a person to have sex with), then be honest with yourself about that.

There is certainly a very healthy dose of external validation that we get from seeing ourselves reflected back to us by our partners. But beware that that isn’t the sole reason that you’re trying to increase your sexual frequency with your partner. And if it is… work on your life, while also being honest with your partner about what needs you actually need to have met.

3. Clear your communicative blocks

Often, the reason your sex life goes stale is because of the volumes of arguments and bits of dishonesty that have slowly piled up through the course of your relationship.

The negative moments that you each build up in your minds about each other or the relationship get stuck in the way of your intimate connection and then quickly drag down your sexual desire for each other.

Like giant boulders sitting in the middle of a flowing river, in order to get back to flowing, abundant sexual energy, you need to remove the blocks.

How?

By communicating more proactively. Start with these ten questions that will help you clear your relationship blocks.

Put these sessions in your calendar and make them non-negotiable.

4. Increase physical affection and other non-sexual touch

Humans are a social species, and as such, we crave physical affection.

If, by going after increased sexual frequency, you’re really looking for more connectedness, start by increasing the amount of physical affection you share on a daily basis.

Cuddle in the morning and at night. Hug for longer than you usually do. Kiss them for more than a few seconds when you’re about to leave for the day. Run your fingers through their hair. Give them a back rub. Hold hands while you walk.

Just, touch.

5. Initiate sex more often

Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” And I’m pretty sure he was talking about getting freaky.

If you and your partner haven’t had sex in days/weeks/months and you’re digging your heels in just to see if they’ll break first, then put on your adult pants and be the one to initiate sex.

Leave the games to the kids… there’s enough game playing outside of your love life and neither one of you wins in the sexual cold war.

6. Focus on them more during sex

Could it be possible that the majority of the last twenty times you had sex (no matter how long ago those times were) were more focused on you than on them?

It’s understandable that someone would want to avoid something that they don’t remember as being that pleasurable/amazing/transformative.

Make a concerted effort to understand what turns your partner on, do whatever it takes to blow their minds/make them have the best orgasm of their life, and they’ll be more likely to want to initiate sex more often.

I mean, wouldn’t you be more likely to turn into a repeat customer at a restaurant that has only ever exceeded your expectations with the most mouth-watering, gourmet meals? It’s the same with sex. If you’ve allowed your sex life to go from gourmet delicacy to cheap, quick fast food, then can you really blame your partner for wanting to steer clear of the empty calories?

Still want to find out more?

If you’re a man looking to increase your sexual awareness and ability to sexually perform, check out Supercharge Your Sex Life.

And if you have any more personal questions that you want answers to, you can reach out and chat with me directly by clicking here.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Blog

Related

See All
Slow Sex: How To Magnify Your Sexual Pleasure
Mar 8, 2016
Jordan Gray
Slow Sex: How To Magnify Your Sexual Pleasure
Ever heard of slow sex? If not, you’re about to. Today I’m going to deep dive into what slow sex is, why it matters, and why it could be the thing that single handedly revitalizes your relationship, magnifies the sexual pleasure that both you and your partner feel, and reduces stress,...
Continue Reading
7 Exercises To Increase Your Sexual Stamina
Nov 20, 2013
Jordan Gray
7 Exercises To Increase Your Sexual Stamina
Every man wants to be a better lover. For many men, the thought of being unable to provide a lasting and deeply fulfilling sexual experience for his partner is something that causes stress and anxiety. You want to give the kind of sexual performance that has you hoping she’ll brag about it to her friends...
Continue Reading
Stop Having Sex (For The Sake Of Orgasms)!
Jan 13, 2015
Jordan Gray
Stop Having Sex (For The Sake Of Orgasms)!
It’s time that we started a revolution in how we think about sex. Frustrated men, women, and lovers world wide are standing up and saying ENOUGH already with this two-dimensional sex. Here’s the problem… Most men think of sex as a linear act. I could be all politically correct and say most people,...
Continue Reading
What Men Really Think Of Women (You Asked For This…)
Dec 16, 2019
Jordan Gray
What Men Really Think Of Women (You Asked For This…)
A few months ago, I sent out an email to my email list requesting that my female readers ask me absolutely anything they wanted to know about. Within 24 hours, I had received hundreds of responses. The #1 most common thing that they asked about? Men. More specifically, what men were thinking. What...
Continue Reading
How To Take Ownership Of Your Love Life’s Success
Feb 23, 2015
Jordan Gray
How To Take Ownership Of Your Love Life’s Success
The majority of my private coaching clients are abnormally high functioning people. They’re self-employed and loving their work, they’re in good shape, and they have relatively conquerable issues in their love life. Over the past few years I’ve noticed a specific trend in the character traits of my...
Continue Reading
50 Powerful Sex Tips For Men
Jan 20, 2018
Jordan Gray
50 Powerful Sex Tips For Men
Looking for cutting edge sex tips for men? I've released hundreds of articles of sex advice through the years... and if you're new to my site it can seem a bit overwhelming to sort through. So today, I decided to do a best-of-the-best collection of my fifty sex tips for men. My female readers...
Continue Reading