Mar 16, 2015

How To Get Your Partner To Initiate Sex More Often

“How do I get my partner to initiate sex with me more often?”

This is one of a handful of questions that I get asked on a weekly basis that makes me internally cringe.

Why?

Because, while I empathize with how bad it can feel to not have a sense of sexual connection with your partner, to me the question feels the same as when people ask “How do I make more money?”

It bothers me because you’re looking at the wrong part of the equation. And therefore you’re asking the wrong question.

Don’t focus on how to make more money… focus on how to add more value.

Don’t focus on why you have no energy… focus on what food you’re putting into your body.

Don’t focus on how to get your partner to initiate sex more often… focus on the current state of your relationship and how you can improve your overall sense of connection so that your partner will be more sexually receptive.

In other words, don’t focus on the result… focus on your process!

So… what can you do, in more tangible terms, to get your partner to initiate sex more often? Start with these six things.

1. Don’t expect sex simply because they’re your partner

Yes, it’d be great if your partner was so attracted to you that they simply had a never ending supply of sexual desire that was focused on you and only you for all eternity. In reality? Sexual desire ebbs and flows, and there will be occasions where your partner’s sexual desire has a dry spell and you will feel it.

But one of the fastest ways that you can turn your partner off is to expect them to have sex with you just because they’re your partner. This is the definition of taking your partner for granted. Expectation is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac.

Just because you are in a relationship with your partner doesn’t mean that you get to stop proactively loving them, wooing them, courting them… whatever you want to call it… the same way that they don’t have to automatically be turned on by you at the drop of a hat.

Relationships take work.

If you stopped creating value at your job, you would stop getting money.

If you stop investing effort in to your relationship, sometimes, you stop receiving sexual pleasure via your partner.

2. Feel good about yourself

If your life isn’t going like you want it to (outside of your relationship) and you’re craving sex with your partner as a means of external validation (i.e. the subtext being that you are worthy enough of a person to have sex with), then be honest with yourself about that.

There is certainly a very healthy dose of external validation that we get from seeing ourselves reflected back to us by our partners. But beware that that isn’t the sole reason that you’re trying to increase your sexual frequency with your partner. And if it is… work on your life, while also being honest with your partner about what needs you actually need to have met.

3. Clear your communicative blocks

Often, the reason your sex life goes stale is because of the volumes of arguments and bits of dishonesty that have slowly piled up through the course of your relationship.

The negative moments that you each build up in your minds about each other or the relationship get stuck in the way of your intimate connection and then quickly drag down your sexual desire for each other.

Like giant boulders sitting in the middle of a flowing river, in order to get back to flowing, abundant sexual energy, you need to remove the blocks.

How?

By communicating more proactively. Start with these ten questions that will help you clear your relationship blocks.

Put these sessions in your calendar and make them non-negotiable.

4. Increase physical affection and other non-sexual touch

Humans are a social species, and as such, we crave physical affection.

If, by going after increased sexual frequency, you’re really looking for more connectedness, start by increasing the amount of physical affection you share on a daily basis.

Cuddle in the morning and at night. Hug for longer than you usually do. Kiss them for more than a few seconds when you’re about to leave for the day. Run your fingers through their hair. Give them a back rub. Hold hands while you walk.

Just, touch.

5. Initiate sex more often

Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” And I’m pretty sure he was talking about getting freaky.

If you and your partner haven’t had sex in days/weeks/months and you’re digging your heels in just to see if they’ll break first, then put on your adult pants and be the one to initiate sex.

Leave the games to the kids… there’s enough game playing outside of your love life and neither one of you wins in the sexual cold war.

6. Focus on them more during sex

Could it be possible that the majority of the last twenty times you had sex (no matter how long ago those times were) were more focused on you than on them?

It’s understandable that someone would want to avoid something that they don’t remember as being that pleasurable/amazing/transformative.

Make a concerted effort to understand what turns your partner on, do whatever it takes to blow their minds/make them have the best orgasm of their life, and they’ll be more likely to want to initiate sex more often.

I mean, wouldn’t you be more likely to turn into a repeat customer at a restaurant that has only ever exceeded your expectations with the most mouth-watering, gourmet meals? It’s the same with sex. If you’ve allowed your sex life to go from gourmet delicacy to cheap, quick fast food, then can you really blame your partner for wanting to steer clear of the empty calories?

Still want to find out more?

If you’re a man looking to increase your sexual awareness and ability to sexually perform, check out Supercharge Your Sex Life.

And if you have any more personal questions that you want answers to, you can reach out and chat with me directly by clicking here.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
The Ultimate Guide To Boosting Testosterone Naturally (7 Steps)
Nov 24, 2018
Jordan Gray
The Ultimate Guide To Boosting Testosterone Naturally (7 Steps)
One year ago, I embarked on a testosterone boosting mission. My question was simple... "By exclusively using science-backed, natural methods, can I double my testosterone levels, without using any drugs, steroids, SARMS, or any other questionable methods that produce long-term damage...
Continue Reading
In Praise Of Boring Sex
Nov 18, 2018
Jordan Gray
In Praise Of Boring Sex
The messages that we get regarding sex via pop culture have the ability to put a lot of pressure on us. Fuck for twelve hours straight! 40 orgasms each! Do it every day or else your relationship is doomed! With standards like these being thrown at us, it’s hard not to think that we might...
Continue Reading
69 Red Hot Foreplay Tips For A Better Sex Life
Jan 8, 2019
Jordan Gray
69 Red Hot Foreplay Tips For A Better Sex Life
Looking to optimize your foreplay abilities? Wondering how you can get your partner "in the mood" for sex more often? Want to increase the overall amount of eroticism and spice in your relationship and sex life on a daily basis (in and out of the bedroom)? This is the most comprehensive and deepest...
Continue Reading
9 Reasons To Work With A Sex Coach
Jul 20, 2024
Jordan Gray
9 Reasons To Work With A Sex Coach
Thinking of working with a sex coach, but not sure what you'll get out of it? Perhaps you know someone who has worked with a sexuality or intimacy coach and seen great results. In this article, I'll dive into seven of the most significant ways that people benefit from working with sex coaches. By...
Continue Reading
Man Milk: The Ultimate Libido Boosting Cocktail For Men
Oct 11, 2018
Jordan Gray
Man Milk: The Ultimate Libido Boosting Cocktail For Men
Looking for a libido boosting cocktail to supercharge your sexual efforts? If you're living a healthy lifestyle (eating well, sleeping well, exercising, etc.) then your sex drive should be in tip-top shape on it's own. But there are times when you might want a little bump in your sex drive. Maybe...
Continue Reading
How To Get The Slight Edge In Your Relationship
Aug 22, 2015
Jordan Gray
How To Get The Slight Edge In Your Relationship
Have you ever heard of the book 'The Slight Edge' by Jeff Olson? It's one of my all time favourite self-help books that I re-read every year or so. It isn’t a problem if you haven’t read it… since I’m about to summarize the whole book into one sentence. The basic premise of The Slight Edge is that… Small,...
Continue Reading