“Show me a man who doesn’t secretly wish he got more blowjobs, and I’ll eat my left sandal.”
– Jesus
Oh, how true. That one stands the test of time. For men, that truth is multiplied tenfold when in a relationship.
Because a lot of guys have trouble expressing their desire for oral sex, this turns it into an ongoing, unexpressed and unmet desire, which can begin to create longing, frustration, or resentment in their relationship.
This is where most will get stuck. They feel like they’re not able do anything about it because they don’t know how to turn their private feeling into a productive conversation with their partner and generate results.
If you’re looking to receive more blowjobs from your lover, we have to start by looking behind the superficial act itself to understand the deeper nature of it, and what it actually means to you. That way, we can consciously play with those subtler forces to bring about the desired result.
(And, heads up, if you’re looking for ways to covertly manipulate your partner into doing something they don’t want to do, you won’t find that in this article. In fact, there’s a few hard truths coming up that might be really hard to… swallow… but they’re necessary if you really want to make progress in this area of your life, like the mature, intelligent, capable adult you truly are.)
So, what is a blowjob, really?
It’s not as simple as someone going down on you. For example, at least one person in most long-term couples will complain they don’t have as much sex as they want to. The two of them are together, they can fuck as much as they want, and they used to a lot, but they rarely do anymore.
Why is that?
What they’re missing in their perspective is that sex isn’t just sex. It’s not an automatic given of sitting beside someone who has the genitals you’re into. It’s a physical symptom of desire, which is fed by emotional intimacy, and eroticism.
In the same way, blowjobs don’t just happen. Nor should they be expected to. Like a rainbow, they’re a marvellous phenomenon that requires a certain set of conditions in order to happen. Now, you can’t ask for rainbows, or influence them arising. But the good news is that you CAN do exactly that with blowjobs.
Wrapped up in oral sex (for men and women) is the desire to please and honour. You might genuinely enjoy going down on someone, but this principle is also working in the background. There is a desire to be seen as a sexual being, and to make the other person feel like a sexual queen or king.
In the beginning stages of a relationship, both people more naturally and readily feel this kind of desire, and they’re more inclined to act on it. This is largely because you have the power and excitement of novelty on your side working for you. Maybe going down on each other was commonplace early on, but now it’s a rarity. That’s perfectly normal. After a while, that motivation doesn’t just appear – it has to be stoked.
In time, you have to put in the work to keep the sexual spark alive. It all comes down to how you behave, relate, and communicate.
Quick Note: Check Your Expectations
There are a few things you should think about before continuing.
Everything I’m about to suggest are things that will best serve your relationship in ways that greatly improve the chances of bringing about more blowjobs. Coming at this with the energy that your lover “owes” you, or should produce X result if you do Y and Z, is childish. Drop any entitled and manipulative mindsets, and enter into this with pure desire to have beautiful, nourishing intimacy with your partner.
Also, if you’re a long-time consumer of pornography, it certainly doesn’t help the situation. You have to acknowledge its impacts and let it go. I say that because it trains people to develop certain unconscious norms around sex and women that are just plain unrealistic. Porn isn’t natural. It’s a product that is engineered to follow formulas and be as provocative and exciting to your reptilian brain as possible.
For one, it makes women out to be slobbering, cum-guzzling, blowjob machines. She drops to her knees with no build up when he’s washing the dishes, brushing his teeth, or brings a pizza home for dinner. So, it’s no surprise you might compare your own woman to this false ideal, and assume that there’s something wrong with her (or wrong with your relationship). You might think she’s a prude, or stingy with her sexual energy, and assume that any other lover you could trade her for would be down to go down way more often. That’s simply not the case.
Porn also generally paints oral as a staple in every sexual encounter. Whenever a cock is present in porn, you can bet your bottom dollar it’s going to be sucked in at least one stage in the whole process. Whereas real sex is much more fluid and dependent on situations and moods. What you do, and when you do it, isn’t based on a checklist… but rather intuition.
As with anything, there is a sliding scale. When it comes to blowjobs, some women love giving them. Others don’t. And most just don’t really think about it that much. Above all, remember that – no matter what her stance is on blowjobs – if someone loves you, they will care about your happiness, pleasure, and needs. That’s what you’re appealing to.
The point is: Just because she isn’t thinking about your dick getting sucked as much as you do, that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be willing to meet you halfway if you approach the situation maturely. If they’re within both people’s boundaries, it’s perfectly okay to speak up for your reasonable sexual needs.
The reason why I emphasized energetic dynamics is because I want you to realize that a huge part of this goes beyond making a simple verbal request. This is about how you treat your partner, how you relate with one another, and how you act and carry yourself as a man. The dynamic you create in the relationship matters – big time.
With that in mind, here are five ways to inspire your partner to give you more blowjobs.
1. Clear your communication blocks
This is where you address re-stoking your mental and emotional intimacy. Whether or not you want more blowjobs, you have to actively work on your relationship. But a lack of blowjobs, and/or sex in general, is often due to a backlog of unresolved issues. Maybe your partner doesn’t feel inspired to be sexually loving towards you because they’re holding onto unprocessed resentments around the relationship.
If they’re holding back thoughts and feelings (especially anger) then they’re going to hold back their sexual energy and intimacy in general.
So, start here, and mean it. You cannot bypass this step. This is foundational groundwork to remove any blockages and let your sexual intimacy flow. Invest into the shared garden of your relationship, and do it honestly.
That means coming at this step purely with the intention to heal and reconnect, not seeing it as an annoying obstacle on the way to more blowjobs. Throw concerns for sexual gratification completely out of your mind, for now.
If the intention behind you bringing up this conversation was purely sexual, then it will be superficial and the conversation won’t go as deep as it truly needs to get into the real core of the issue.
Since you want space to enter into a proper dialogue, and potentially unpack some sensitive and emotional stuff, you always want to set aside sacred time. First ask when they might have some bandwidth and uninterrupted time to talk about the relationship. You can assure them its nothing bad, but you simply haven’t deeply communicated and done some maintenance in a while. You want to make sure things are as good as they can be.
I said to throw your explicit desire for blowjobs aside for now, but it would be fine to bring up the desire for a thriving sex life here. That might be part of you two talking about what’s up in the relationship and what you’d like from each other. So long as it’s done from the position of “I’m feeling like we don’t have as much sexual spark as we used to. How do you feel? What can I do, and what can we do, to make that a reality?” That is much different than, “Hmph. You don’t give me enough blowjobs. Why not!?” *pouty face*
Be deeply curious. Listen. And come from a place of team-oriented ownership, not one-versus-one.
2. Work on your grooming
A sure-fire way for anyone to increase their chances of receiving oral is to make their genitals more inviting. Now, there’s obviously nothing wrong, dirty, shameful, or gross about how genitals naturally are… but grooming and bathing are facts of life, and regularly/freshly washed genitals that aren’t drowning in a sea of pubic hair are easier and more enjoyable to access than genitals that haven’t been soaped/trimmed down in a while.
Putting intention into your sexuality by taking time to groom yourself well works on another level too. When you take pride in your body and appearance, it broadcasts a more attractive energy to your lover.
Unless it’s strongly your preference, or your partner’s, shaving your pubic hair down to the skin isn’t the best idea. It tends to look awkward, while creating issues like razor rash, ingrown hairs, and itchy stubble during the regrowth phase.
Instead, I recommend using an electric beard trimmer. It’s way faster, easier, risk-free, and looks great.
Now, addressing the testicles is another can of worms altogether. This would be the main part where using a razor and shaving cream is more readily advised. If you don’t already have a method for doing so, I won’t go into a walk through. You can find more info on genital grooming/washing in this article.
Whether or not you have foreskin, be sure to keep the bell end of your penis well-washed.
When in doubt, simply trim off some of your excess pubic hair, and make sure you’re washing your genitals well with a quality soap on the regular.
3. “Go down” on your partner more often
I put that in quotes because what I really mean here is be in loving service to them. Take the essence of that act and pour it into the rest of your life. Do whatever registers as loving to them more often. That could literally be oral sex. Or it could be doing the dishes and looking after household chores more often. That could be giving them verbal compliments and praise. When they talk about their day, give them your full attention. Lavish them with love and respect.
(Not sure what registers as love to them? Do exercise #2 in my recent article 3 Exercises That Will Take Your Relationship To The Next Level.)
Just like in the communication step, this needs to be done from a pure place. If you’re holding onto an expectation to have your energy reciprocated (especially with blowjobs) you’re mixing a recipe for resentment and disaster. For best results, you have to come at this with purity and communication.
Think of it this way: A big reason men love blowjobs is because of how loved and honoured they feel. It feels like she serving and worshipping you. But that will happen when you behave in a way worth honouring and serving. Besides leading your life like a king, you want to send that energy her way, which tends to naturally inspire reciprocation.
One of the most important, mature lessons that everyone needs to learn is that you must give what you most want to get. Do you want to feel loved and honoured? Love and honour your partner first. Want to have more and better friendships in your life? Go be a better friend to others. Want to make more money? Go provide more value to the world. You get the point.
4. Praise her on her skills
While she is giving you a blowjob, or after she has, give her ample positive praise. Tell her what you love(d) and express your enjoyment and gratitude. Positive reinforcement is the simplest way to build someone’s confidence in any skill, helps them recognize what you like, and makes them feel encouraged and supported to repeat behaviour. Simple as that.
Have there ever been times when you did something around the house (emptied the dishwasher, folded the laundry, made a delicious meal), and your partner lavished you with praise and appreciation for a job well done? And did you then feel not only seen and recognized, but more excited to do that thing again at a later date? I rest my case.
5. Be direct
Assuming you have done the initial groundwork of clearing and communicating, it’s okay to just ask for what you want directly.
This simple point is the last thing most men are too shy to try, and it absolutely blows their minds to consider actually doing it.
But this ask is an extension of something deeper, which is how much you’ve cultivated your masculinity and king energy. The masculine is direct, assertive, confident, honouring. Are you living your whole life in a masculine way? Are you being pro-active and assertive in life? Are you taking charge? That right there is the energy worthy of blowjobs.
On a deeper level, the resistance many men feel in the form of shyness around being direct with their sexuality is coming from a bit of shame. Not just around sexuality, but because they know they’re not behaving and conducting their lives in a way that deserves a strong “Yes” to this request.
If you work a job you hate, spend all of your free time playing video games and getting drunk/high, and haven’t gone down on your partner in months, then you should feel some resistance to asking for more blowjobs. Conversely, if you’re slaying dragons daily in a career that lights you up, you’re in good shape and are regularly active (both physically and socially), and you’re going down on your partner and/or giving her amazing, powerful orgasms on a weekly basis, then you should feel very at-home in the idea that you could ask for your reasonable sexual needs to be met. Blowjobs aren’t just about emptying your balls into a willing participant… they’re a powerful mirror that reflect to you how you’re showing up in your life.
In sum, the recipe is: Feed your relationship, live a strong life, and communicate. With this more profound perspective and a little courage, you’ll be more satisfied than ever before.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will also love checking out:
– How To Thoroughly Groom And Clean Your Genitals (And Be Really Extra About It)
– 3 Exercises That Will Take Your Relationship To The Next Level
– Being A Healthy, Balanced Adult Is Sexy As Fuck
