What is a pussy massage?
A pussy massage (aka “yoni” massage) uses specific emotional and physical techniques to deliver an erotic full body massage that focuses on/around the vulva.
However, the power of this experience goes WAY beyond traditional body massage, where she would usually just be getting some physical pleasure and deep relaxation.
Because if you bring the right mindset, and follow the method that I lay out in this article, a pussy massage has the potential to become a profound healing ceremony – of body, mind, and spirit.
If you’re not familiar with any tantric work, this will also unlock a brand-new dimension of sex and intimacy for both of you.
What’s The Point Of A Pussy Massage?
Besides being immensely pleasurable, pussy massage is also deeply therapeutic. It creates and fosters connection with herself and her partner, and increases her orgasmic capacity.
This experience will evolve her relationship with her own sexuality, as well as her genitals, while doing the same for the person giving it. It brings mindfulness into the bedroom, and gives you a whole new understanding of what sex can do for us.
The Therapeutic Power of Pussy Massage
For women, pussy massage is incredibly therapeutic for several reasons.
First, consent is heavily emphasized at every step.
For example, there comes a time where she will be asked if she would like a finger inside her. Realize this might be the first time she will EVER have had a partner actually ASK to do something as simple as that, and it is highly likely that her vagina has been penetrated well before she felt ready, on many occasions. This small moment is deceptively powerful.
Many women have cried during, or shortly afterward their pussy massage, because that question serves as a deep reminder of the sovereign, sacred power she has over her body and sexuality. And too many women have felt robbed of that, at some point in their lives.
It’s statistically the norm for women to have at least one story about a traumatic incident where someone forced themselves on her, overriding her will and trying to use her body for their own gratification.
And even women who haven’t experienced such a thing will still seldom report ever receiving the common courtesy of being directly asked for permission to take the next steps in sex. People usually just make assumptions, or escalate to the next logical step, because it’s what’s “supposed to happen”, or what they want for themselves. They penetrate her too soon, and for too long, either with their energy or a part of their body.
By doing the exact opposite (asking consent), pussy massage will confront and evoke all of these feelings she may not even be aware have been buried deep inside her. These are things she can’t put into words, but the body knows them all too well.
The key therapeutic ingredient in a pussy massage is the feeling of being honoured and served. The genitals are much more than a button we press to get our rocks off. They are a gateway to some of the most vulnerable parts of our psyches.
The essential act of the massage and the intention behind it are saying, “You are safe, you are loved, your pussy and sexuality are sacred to me. I honour you.”
At first, this whole idea may bring up some fear and anxiety. Receiving this quality of energy directly focused onto her vulva – not to her face, and not through words – begins to melt the thick metaphysical knots she carries inside her around sexuality.
The tension of these knots (physical and otherwise) is stored in her pussy, which dampens her ability to feel and have full, deep orgasms.
When they dissolve, it’s extremely common for heavy emotions to be released. They’re like pockets of trapped energy, which get cracked open and leak through the surface. Love and nurture her as the releases come.
Help her relax, allow these feelings to arise, and love and accept her completely through them. On the other side, she will feel the lightness of having let them go. This is a big piece of the healing process.
She will also, as a side benefit, increase the quality, intensity, and type of orgasms she can have.
The Most Important Factor In Giving A Pussy Massage
To give her all these benefits, and make her feel that crucial healing sense of being honoured, you (the giver) will need to look after your mindset.
The internal state and intention of the giver is the single most important factor in making pussy massage as powerful as can be.
You are the one who sets the tone, makes her feel safe, and creates the energetic container for her to open up into. It all comes down to your attitude.
As mentioned in the sister article to this one on penis massage, it’s holding the feeling of sacredness in your body and mind that will make this experience beautiful and deeply impactful.
Sacredness means being connected to the intentional act of honouring her – the sense of worshipping a goddess.
You don’t have to do anything “woo-woo” that would be a part of most tantric teachings (unless you want to). All that stuff does is create presence and awareness both in the moment and inside your partner.
You can achieve these goals through basic mindfulness and bringing TLC.
The sincere energy of tender loving care is all you need to hold in your heart, mind, and body. Through the massage, you can even imagine yourself sending loving feelings and thoughts into her pussy. She will feel your intention radiate through everything you do.
To help create this tone, you’ll start with a connection ritual before any physical touch happens. But first, here are some critical notes…
Notes for The Giver
- Be in SERVICE. Remind her this is about her feeling treasured. She isn’t “supposed to” have an orgasm. She has no obligation to anything besides completely letting go.
The same goes for you. Relieve yourself of ANY pressure and expectation of helping her reach orgasm. Your only intention should be to serve, heal, and connect. Anything that happens after that is a bonus. Be mindful of tainting these waters with insecurity and taking her orgasmic activity personally.
- Slow down. When it comes to actually performing the massage, you’ll be touching parts of her pussy more slowly and softly than you ever have before. Be completely present with each steady stroke. Fill your hands and each spot with awareness. Let it be an act of meditation.
Women’s arousal is incredibly sensitive to dynamics (slow/fast, soft/firm). The slower and softer you start, the more room you have to play with, and the better she’ll respond.
In the later stages, she may or may not want a finger inside her. Honour her preference in that moment. For whatever reason, she just might not be in the mood. Offering the choice to be penetrated is the healing gift.
In some sessions, she might have a dozen orgasms. In others, she may not want the massage to be sexual at all – focusing more on the healing aspects of simply being touched and honoured. Stick with your intention and loving, healing touch.
- Hold space. As I said earlier, it’s common for intense emotions to surface throughout the process. If she’s clearly upset, in whatever way, the best thing you can do is STOP, return to the “home position” (which I’ll explain later) and ask what she needs, or how you can support.
Because the emotional release is involuntary, she may be feeling wildly different on the inside. She may want to be cuddled, or held, or she may want you to continue with the massage and even increase the intensity during her release.
- Communicate. Move through this together as a couple. Feel into what she needs by paying attention to her movements and her breath, but ASK when you’re not sure. In fact, ask even when you do feel more sure, just to confirm her enjoyment and add to it. Constantly check in on how she likes the pressure, speed, and quality of touch.
Notes for The Receiver
- It’s all for you. You don’t need to worry about whether your partner is having a good time or not. Soak this up. Let yourself be spoiled. Your body deserves this level of attention and care.
- Relax and feel. This is your only task. Drop into your body and deeply pay attention to every little sensation. His touch. The ripples of pleasure through your nervous system. Any time your mind wanders, contracts, or worries, just breathe, relax, and return to your physical sensations.
- Surrender and heal. If you can allow yourself to fully receive the gift your partner is giving you, you will begin to heal deep wounds that you’ve been carrying around for years. This will not only affect your orgasms in the future, but it will change how you feel about yourself as you walk through each day.
You will feel more, safe, confident, and self-expressed. You will feel more connected to your voice and personal authority. You will feel more deeply seen, and open to being seen.
- Talk. If something feels amazing – say so. If you want your partner to slow down, soften up, or do the total opposite – let them know. Guide them to the spots of tension, soreness, or pleasure. There are thousands of nerve endings in your genitals, and you’re the only one who can feel them! Don’t be shy to speak up.
- It’s okay to cry. Many women already feel self-conscious about being emotional. So the idea of releasing emotion while someone is massaging your pussy might feel even more challenging. But know that it’s perfectly normal for intense or difficult emotions to arise. Recognize this moment for the incredibly rare gift and opportunity that it is. There may be no other time where you’ll be able to let this baggage go in such a sacred and safe container. Allow yourself to cry, or whatever your body is calling for you to do.
Now, it’s time to prepare…
Before you begin the first stage of connecting, you’ll want to set up the space with love too.
Some people might even rent (or borrow) a proper massage table to set up in their home for the night. While that’s definitely not necessary, it’s an amazing gesture that adds to the feeling of being honoured, as well as the overall ambience.
How to Set the Stage For A Pussy Massage
- Comfort. You’re both going to be here for about an hour. Make sure she has a soft, warm place to lie down. Most often this will be your bed, thick blankets on the floor, or a massage table if you find one. Keep a few extra blankets on hand in case parts of her body get cold. Place a pillow under her sacrum to prop her pelvis up for greater access.
As the giver, your comfort is just as important, as it will affect how present you’re able to be for her. Make sure you also have whatever cushions and props you need. If she’s on a bed, consider kneeling on the floor, or pull a chair up to the edge and lean forward. You can either dress comfortably or be naked, whatever your preference is.
- Oil. Prepare lots of oil to keep on hand. This will be for the warmup body massage, but especially for the pussy massage. Everything needs to be very well lubricated for maximum comfort and impact. I recommend keeping it simple and going with coconut oil (but other oils like almond oil, or grapeseed oil can also work well – so try out a few to see which you like the smell and sensation of best).
- Accents. Set the space with some candles and turn off all artificial light (salt lamps would be the only exception). Throw on some slow, sensual, relaxing music. If there are any scents either of you love, let those fill the room.
Stage 1: Connecting
Intentionally connecting with each other will clear your minds and allow you to take this experience to its maximum depth.
Begin by sitting across from each other comfortably (either cross legged on the bed, the floor, or sitting in chairs) and do the following:
- Make and hold eye contact (gaze into each other’s left eye, if you need a point of focus) for at least one minute
- While gazing into each others eyes, sync up a cycle of slow, deep breaths
- Check in to see if there’s anything either of you want to say. Start with the receiver. It could be about the massage experience, about the other person, anxieties, appreciations, or anything that’s on your mind. The point of this is to clear out anything that needs to be said so you can experience total presence and emotional intimacy.
- Give thanks and express your love
- Then begin!
Stage 2: Warm-Up Body Massage
For total relaxation, you’ll be giving her a full body massage before you touch anywhere near her vulva.
Start by inviting her to lie face down. Take at least 10-15 minutes to slowly massage her back, neck, arms, hands, glutes, thighs, calves, and feet. Get your communication going here by checking in on the pressure and having her tell you what she likes. This will be crucial in the next stage.
If you don’t feel confident in how to give her a body massage – that’s okay. You don’t have to pretend you’re a registered massage therapist. Just hold that energy of love in your mind, and put all of your focus and intention in your finger tips, and let your body naturally do the rest. You could look up a few how-to videos if you really wanted to, in order to learn some basic massage techniques.
Once she feels dropped into her body, have her slowly turn over and spend another 10-15 minutes massaging her belly, breasts, and thighs.
Massaging Her Breasts
Like the vulva, the breasts are another erotic zone that can be a gateway to healing her sexuality.
Take extra time to slowly massage her breast tissue, stroking along the outside toward the nipples with your thumbs and fingers. You will likely feel tiny fascial knots in these areas, almost like grains of rice. Rub through them for a bit to promote blood flow and relaxation.
Massaging Her Thighs
With long strokes up her inner thigh toward the vulva, you can deeply relax her whole pelvis and set her up for a more intense experience. Work in the creases of her hips and feel around for those grainy, knotted spots. Use your thumbs to make small circles and open them up.
At this point, she should be ready to move to the vulva. Before you do, ask her if there are any other spots she would like some more attention first, to let her fully relax, or if she’d like to proceed.
If you’re clear to proceed, place your hands on both her thighs and take a moment to really be present with her genitals. Give them your full, loving attention. Verbally let her know three things that you adore about her vulva. It could be the size, shape, colour, hair, scent, taste, or anything else.
For example, you could say, “I really love the pattern of how your hair grows”, or, “I love the shape and colour of your inner labia.”
Many women have had negative experiences in their sexual history around how her pussy was treated or responded to, so this step should NOT be skipped. There is a lot of healing potential here. Take your time and really mean whatever you say. There is no rush.
Get Set Up in the “Home Position”
Next, place a flat palm of one hand over her vulva and the other hand over her heart. Stay here for at least a full minute, while syncing up your breaths, and encouraging her to breathe deeply into the bottom of her belly. Come back here any time she needs a break, and when you end the massage.
There are more esoteric explanations for why you’d do this (mainly, it builds an energetic bridge between the heart and the genitals). But at the very least, it feels deeply comforting and nurturing, which inspires a sense of safety and vulnerability.
Now you’re ready for…
Stage 3: Pussy Massage Techniques
First, remind her that this is about her. Invite her to ask for anything she might need to feel more comfortable, and to let you know which of the touches feel good, so you can spend more time with them.
To give you both an idea of what kind of timeline to expect, this part of the massage should take about 30 minutes.
Use the following 6 moves in the order they’re given. Remember to GO SLOW. Take what you already think is slow and cut it in half once, if not twice. Then you’re probably closer to the ideal pace.
Take it nice and easy.
Once in a while, speed up briefly to emphasize some pleasure. But again, this is not about giving her an orgasm. It’s about healing touch.
Calibrate & Communicate. As you go, you’re going to keep close attention on her breath and subtle body movements, and read how she’s feeling and responding. But be sure to check in often as well. Is she happy with the pressure? Does she want you to ease up, or go harder? When you transition to using a new move, check in to see how he likes it.
Note that not all of these moves might feel amazing for her. Maybe there’s something you will improvise that really does the trick. Follow your intuition. Keep checking in and be patient. Stick with each of these for a little bit before moving on. What might not get a response at first could build up to one, like a pot of water coming to a boil.
Lastly, be present. Let these touches be meditative for both of you.
First: Oil up. Lather your hands generously with coconut oil. If its not already warm, take a few moments to rub your hands together and heat it up. (Another tip: you’ll want a towel over whatever she’s sitting on, otherwise it’s about to get a puddle of oil stains.) Then, begin with…
1. The Warm Hold
Place one of your hands (completely open/outstretched) over her entire vulva. Then, place your other hand over top of your hand. Now, press into her gently and make slow circles in a clockwise or counter-clockwise direction for 30-60 seconds, and then switch directions for a similar amount of time. This is a very grounding movement and (like everything else in a pussy massage) should not be rushed.
2. Loving Palms
This is a repetitive series of overlapping strokes designed to warm her up to the massage and make sure she’s well lubricated with oil. It can be done with you either between her legs or at her side.
At her side, place the base of one palm at the bottom of her vagina and draw it up her belly, allowing your fingers to follow. Bring the other hand in behind and trace the same path. Continue with alternating stokes, one hand after the other.
If you’re between her legs, begin with your palm at the base of her vulva with your fingers pointed up. Now you’ll make the same stroke but with your fingers leading the way – from the vagina up to the belly, while overlapping and alternating your hands. Note that your fingers should not be aiming to stimulate her clitoris with this move – if anything, you should be mindful to minimize pressure or direct stimulation of her clitoris, as the point of this move is to simply help her to feel grounded and ease her into the massage.
3. Perineum Push
Bring the pads of your thumbs down to her perineum (the area between her anus and the opening of her vagina) and alternate a steady, acupressure style hold on this spot.
Many women hold a good amount of tension in their perineum, so she may be able to take more pressure that you might assume. As always, check in with her to see how it feels for her.
4. Pearl Pinch
Widely place your thumbs and fingers on opposite sides of the clitoral mound. Lightly squeeze together to gather the flesh, give it a very light tug and rock it from side to side. It’s similar to how you would pinch someone’s skin, except with much wider finger placement and much less strength. This creates a nice general stretch.
5. The Greeting Stroke
Using the pad of your ring finger, gently stroke the inside groove of the outer labia – one side at a time. Because it’s not a dominant finger, it will help you to keep a light, mindful stroke. Do this for 30-60 seconds on either side, then switch.
6. Petal Pulling
Delicately clip her inner labia with your thumbs and forefingers. These are the lips that look like two rose petals jutting out near her vaginal opening. Give them a soft stretch by tugging them with your fingers. Do each pull for five seconds, then release and repeat.
7. Around The World
For this move, you are tracing a deeper pressure line around the outside of her vulva.
Using the pads of your thumbs, trace slow lines from close to her perineum, up and around her vulva, about an inch away from her outer vaginal lips, and massage a curved line up, past her clitoris, and finishing the line where her pubic hair is (or where it would be, if she happens to be shaven/waxed).
This can be a deeply healing move, so make sure you go nice and slow, and apply an even amount of pressure throughout the movement. Trace these lines, on both the left and right side, for several, slow minutes. It can feel deeply healing and relaxing for a woman to have such slow, focused attention around her genitals, without it being a pre-cursor to her being aroused, so take your time with this move.
8. Clitoral Petting
With your ring finger once again, pet either side of her clitoris for a few minutes, then move directly on top of it. Check to see if she prefers you to stroke straight up and down, or in small circles, as well as with what strength and speed.
As you begin this stroke, place the ring finger of the opposite hand just at the opening of her vagina. Don’t put it inside, only enough that she can feel it sitting there. The purpose is for her to feel the invitation and evoke the idea of penetration in her mind, which will likely be highly arousing.
After a few minutes, ask her if she would like a finger inside her. If she says yes, proceed to the next move. If she says no – that’s perfectly fine too. Resume clitoral stroking and move to 9b.
9a. Plan A: Consensual Penetration And G-spot Massage
For lighter touch, I recommend using your ring finger for this as well, at first. Later on, you can use your middle finger, but be sure to do it as softly as you can.
After you have checked in with her and she has verbally welcomed penetration, slowly insert a finger inside her up to the first knuckle. Begin making soft circles around the vaginal opening. If she likes it, continue with the clitoral stroking while doing this, or just focus on this.
After a minute, move your finger a little further to find the G-spot – the spongey tissue on the anterior (belly side) wall of the vagina, which is about 1-2 inches in.
With a very loose and lightly curled finger, lightly drag the tip of it from the far end of the G-spot to the vaginal opening. You’ll add a smidge of pressure as you brush forward, and relax on the return stroke, but always maintain contact. You can also do an acupressure style hold, where you keep your fingers pressure on her G-spot, and simply hold it there for 10-20 seconds at a time, intermittently releasing the pressure, before doing another round of it.
Keep at this for several minutes. Ask if she would like you to increase the speed or firmness of your stroke. From here, she could easily have several G-spot orgasms if she is feeling more sexual, or it might just be a very gentle, pleasurable, and nurturing massage sensation. Stay tuned with her body and breath, and ask her if she is wanting to climax, or just receive the calmer, healing massage.
9b. Plan B: Special Requests
If she’s not in the mood for penetration during this session, thank her for saying so (a simple “Thank you for honouring yourself” will suffice) and honour her choice. Ask her if there’s any touch or act she would love for you to do to conclude the session. She may want you to continue massaging the areas around her labia and in her hip creases, or use your tongue, or go back to massaging a previous spot on the body.
How to Finish The Pussy Massage
Once you’ve reached the end of the time and gone through this series, pause and place your palms back in the home position, over her vulva and heart.
Here, she has two ways to end the massage.
- She can choose to make love/be sexual in some way, or
- She can end it there, cuddle, and share about the experience
Whichever you choose, it should always come back to end with number 2 – where you take turns sharing what you felt during the experience, and what you learned through it.
This is where you might integrate deep realizations, or unearth them through talking it out, and cementing a deeper bond with each other.
If the two of you have never had a session that was just about her, I would recommend you consider not finishing with further penetration and/or any kind of sex, because that’s a familiar habitual road. Many women have had years of cumulative sexual history where they felt like their pleasure was only being baited so that their partner could ‘take’ from them and ultimately make it about their pleasure. By abstaining from any sort of sexual escalation, you can maintain the rareness of the experience and her sense of being served by simply ending with cuddling.
The Integration Period
Make sure to end the pussy massage with a lot of spaciousness. This is the place where she’ll be able to see her feelings and thoughts about the experience with much greater clarity. She also might have some emotions come up that she wasn’t present to at the time.
Be there to hold her (energetically or physically, if she wants to be cuddled by you) through this reflection and any emotional releases.
The integration period extends to the days that follow the pussy massage as well. Check in with her to see if there are any emotional wakes or after-shocks. Perhaps she’s gotten more in touch with some negative past experiences, developed some new realizations, or she might just be feeling better than ever.
Integration is a beautiful and key part of the process. Never rush it. This is where we get to notice the differences in how we feel, gain insights on lifelong patterns in our psyches, and cement our newfound growth toward wholeness.
And remember… ultimately, giving your partner a pussy massage is about healing, love, and connection. Sexual pleasure can be a major part of the massage, yes, but there often can be even deeper healing to be had when the massage is more slow, deliberate, and with a more therapeutic focus, than if you focus more heavily on the clitoris/G-spot stimulation/sexual pleasure. So slow down, stay in your body, and love your partner through everything that arises.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will likely also love checking out:
– Supercharge Your Sex Life (video series for men)
– How To Give Her The Best Oral Sex Of Her Life
– How To Give An Expert-Level Penis Massage (aka Lingham Massage)
– 5 Questions To Ask Your Partner For Better Sex
– The Spoiling Session: The Best Sexual Exercise For Couples
