What is a penis massage?
A penis massage (aka “lingham” massage, in tantric lingo) is a structured process with emotional and physical techniques designed to deliver a deeply healing and pleasurable experience.
Just like a regular massage in a spa, penis massage is a form of therapy. But the benefits are far more profound than physical pleasure and relaxing muscles.
When done properly, with intention and the right perspective, penis massage can become a transcendental psychological and spiritual healing ceremony.
If you’re not familiar with tantra, or sexual therapy, I realize that that all might sound a little over the top. But if it does, I’m glad. Because that means – if you truly follow through with this – you’re about to have your mind(s) blown open to a whole new dimension of sex and intimacy.
What’s The Point Of A Penis Massage?
The ritual of a penis massage is meant to bring healing, pleasure, and connection for both the giver and receiver – within themselves and between each other.
The point is not ejaculation and orgasm. In fact, it doesn’t even matter if the man has an erection (though he will almost every time.)
The average assumption of what this will look like is basically a kind of slow-motion hand-job, where someone strokes, rubs, and touches their partner’s cock slowly and sensually. On a strictly visual level, and according to our Western sexual conditioning, that’s how part of this process this might appear.
But that’s a key reason why tantric traditions gave different names to the genitals: so that our brains could begin to create a more sacred and meaningful relationship to them, and unlock a new level of mental, physical, and spiritual benefits in the sexual experience.
The Element of The Sacred
What really holds a penis massage together is feeling an element of the sacred. Sacredness is a feeling of intention, honour, the special, the mystical, and divine. This is something that’s completely missing in the common modern attitude toward the body, and especially toward sex.
This shows in everything from our pornography to the basic labels we use for sex and sex parts. It all carries a hollow, carnal tone; serving the egotistical purposes of gratification, ownership, submission and domination.
Yes, it’s totally okay and amazing to explore those sides of sex and fully express yourself. But if you exclusively stay on that level forever, you’re missing out on an insanely powerful part of the picture. A penis massage is a vehicle you can use to take your man to that far-too-seldom seen place.
To prime and create this element of the sacred, you’ll begin by honouring and connecting with each other before you even get to any physical touch (which we’ll cover in a moment.) But before you even start, there are some important things you (the giver) need to be mentally equipped with…
The Giver’s Mindset
To deliver the maximum potential power that the forthcoming penis massage can have, it’s important to acknowledge that the mindset of the giver is the single most important part of the entire equation. It will set the tone of the entire session and heavily influence how deep the man’s experience goes.
It will inform the nuance of every touch, breath, and the subtle energetic messages he can’t fully perceive. Everything you do is communicating something.
You don’t have to believe in chakras and quantum theory, or hum while visualizing colourful swirls of light (though those things can be part of some forms of penis massage). The essential approach the giver should have can be summarized by three letters…
The sincere energy of tender, loving care is basically all you need to hold in your heart, mind, and body. Throughout the penis massage, you can even imagine yourself sending loving feelings and thoughts into his genitals. He will feel it through everything you do.
This is an extremely rare energy for a man to receive toward his penis, which is why it is so deeply healing. Very few men have ever received sacred, focused attention on this part of their body.
In his world, his cock, and his sexuality, are usually regarded with as much care as a fast-food takeout window (ultimately, just a means to a superficial end). Look no further than the euphemism “beat your meat” to understand how most guys relate with their genitals.
That’s because it’s how we’ve been conditioned to relate to them. But when someone enters the picture and approaches his genitals with TLC, it short-circuits his brain in the best possible way. The pattern is interrupted. Suddenly he’s in an energetic exchange and dynamic he’s probably never experienced before.
He is also relieved of all pressure and duty to perform, which is usually stitched into every moment of his sexual experience.
The Therapeutic Power Of The Penis Massage
Because the essential message of the act and the intention is saying, “You are safe, you are loved, your penis and sexuality are sacred. I honour you.”
Another reason why it’s so therapeutic is because of how much the male identity is wrapped up in his cock. He is highly self-conscious about the penis itself and what it symbolizes, which is his manhood.
So, even the thought of receiving a penis massage can bring up fear and anxiety for him at first. He’s so used to being engaged and using it. It will be foreign for him to just receive.
It will challenge any issues he may have with shame and worthiness. But he has the opportunity to sit back and allow, and melt through it all. He has to let it go and surrender into a state of vulnerability, where he can feel accepted and loved.
Prepare for the possibility that he might have a spontaneous emotional release. Some women have been surprised to see their man, who rarely tends to cry, suddenly burst into tears. If he does, bring your hands back to the “home position” that I will explain in a moment.
Cuddle him and/or hold his heart for a few moments and ask if you can continue. Ideally, you will, which will help the healing process. But he may need a bit of a break.
Notes for The Penis Massage Receiver
This is all for you. Just let go and communicate.
There is nothing you have to do besides say what you like and when to slow down.
There is no pressure to achieve or maintain an erection.
There is no pressure to have an orgasm.
There is no pressure to make sure your partner is having a good time and/or isn’t bored.
It can be weird at first. But just watch your mind and continue to imagine yourself melting and sinking.
Let yourself go and relax into the experience. Stay in your body and focus on every little physical sensation. The temperature in the air. Each little stroke. The subtle ripples of pleasure up your abdomen and down your legs.
Don’t rush this. You don’t have to have an orgasm. In fact, it might be best if you don’t have one. Because our brains are so wired to link any touching of the penis with the gratification of ejaculation. Stopping short of that will keep the focus on the healing touch and receiving your partner’s loving attention.
That said, if you do cum, it will likely be incredible. But the main message is: climax is not the point of a penis massage.
Communicate. When something feels amazing – say so. When you’re getting really close to ejaculation – have your partner slow down and back off with the intensity of the stimulation.
Also, it’s perfectly normal for intense emotions to arise. Sadness is the most common. Do your best not to clamp down on these emotions when they start bubbling up. These are very old trapped pockets of emotion that have been waiting to be flushed out for years. The release of these emotions is all part of the penis massage’s therapeutic magic and shouldn’t be avoided. Allow yourself to emote, cry, or whatever might want to happen.
The rest you’ll just have to feel for yourself!
Okay, now it’s time to get set up…
Before you begin the first stage of connecting, you’ll want to set up the space with care. Controlling the environment is a powerful way to build the deeper emotional tone you’re looking for.
A lot of people will even go as far as renting (or borrowing, if you can) a massage table to set up in their home for the night. It’s definitely not necessary, but it’s an amazing gesture that adds to the feeling of being honoured, as well as the overall ambience.
Setting the Stage
- Comfort. You’re both going to be here for about an hour. Make sure he has a soft, warm place to lie down. Most often this will be your bed, thick blankets on the floor, or a massage table if you can find one.
As the giver, make sure you also have cushions for your knees, or butt, or pull a chair up to the edge of the bed, so you can feel comfortable and present too. Wear whatever makes you feel most comfortable. You don’t have to be sitting there naked in sexy lingerie, unless that’s what you’d love to do.
- Oil. Prepare lots of massage oil to keep on hand. You’ll need it for the warmup body massage, but especially for the penis massage. Many of the moves you’re going to perform can quickly go from amazing to painful (or impossible) when you don’t have enough lube.
Coconut oil is your number one go-to as your massage oil. Bonus points for warming it up a bit before you use it!
- Accents. Set the space with some candles and turn off all artificial light (salt lamps would be the only exception). Throw on some slow, sensual music. If there are any scents either of you love, let those fill the room.
Stage 1: Connection
Intentionally connecting with each other will take this experience far deeper than regular massage.
You’ll want to begin by sitting across from each other comfortably (either cross legged on the bed, the floor, or sitting in chairs) and try the following:
- Make and hold eye contact (gaze into the left eye, if you need a point of focus) for at least one minute
- During this eye gazing session, sync up a cycle of slow, deep breaths with your partner
- Check in to see if there’s anything either of you want to say. Start with the receiver. It could be about the massage experience, about the other person, or anything that’s on their mind. The point of this is to clear out anything that needs to be said so you can experience total presence and emotional intimacy.
- Give thanks and express your love
- Then begin!
Stage 2: Warm-Up Body Massage
For total relaxation, the best practice is to give a full body massage before jumping straight into the penis massage. But depending on his comfort level, whether or not you’ve done this before, and how skilled he is with dropping into a present state, you might be fine with getting right to it.
Begin by inviting him to lay face down. Take at least 10-15 minutes to slowly massage his back, neck, arms, hands, glutes, thighs, calves, and feet. Get your communication sparked here by checking in on the pressure and having him tell you what he likes. This will be crucial in the next stage.
If you feel a little unsure about how to give body massage – don’t worry. You don’t have to pretend that you’re a registered massage therapist. Just hold that energy of TLC and let your body naturally do the rest. You could look up a few how-to videos if you really want to.
Once he feels dropped into his body, have him slowly turn over and spend another 10-15 minutes massaging his chest, thighs, and belly.
Spend a little focus on his inner thighs up to either side of his penis. This will promote blood flow and pelvic relaxation, which intensifies the experience.
At this point, he will have fully switched gears from the day and be ready to receive the next step of the proper penis massage.
Now, take a moment to really be present with his genitals. Give them your full, loving attention. Verbalize three things that you adore about them. It could be the size, shape, colour, hair, scent, taste, or anything else that you love about them.
For example, you could say, “I love how soft the skin is on the head of your penis,” or, “I adore the size and shape of your penis. It is the most beautiful penis I have ever seen and I love it just as much as I love you.”
Many men have had negative experiences in their sexual history related to how other people interacted with their genitals, so this step should NOT be skipped. There is a lot of healing potential here for the receiver. Take your time and really mean whatever you say.
The “Home Position”
Next, get set up in the “home position”. Place a flat palm of one hand over his genitals and the other hand over his heart. Remain here for at least a full minute, while syncing up your breaths, and encouraging him to breathe deeply into the bottom of his belly. Come back here any time he needs a break, and when you end the massage.
In earlier years of masturbation and/or casual sex with partners where there wasn’t a sense of loving connection, many men disconnected their genitals from their heart. Making ample time to be in the home position allows him to start to re-build the bridge between his heart and his genitals (which benefits him as an individual, and it also benefits your sex life, assuming you are in sexual relationship with each other).
It also feels deeply comforting and nurturing, which inspires a sense of safety and vulnerability leading into the penis massage.
Now you’re ready for the main event…
Stage 3: Penis Massage Techniques
First, explain to him that you’re going to work with an arousal scale from 1 to 10. Have him tell you when he’s at an 8 or 9 (close to climax/ejaculation) so you can back off and keep the session going. It might also be worthwhile to remind him that him telling you that he’s at an 8 or 9 and needs you to back off is completely welcome, as many men (who have primarily lived a life of ‘sex as performance’ in their minds) may feel a small sense of failure if they need to tell you to slow down.
Remind him that this penis massage is about him and his pleasure. Invite him to ask for anything he needs to feel more comfortable, and to let you know which of the touches feel good, so you can spend more time with them.
Calibrate. As you go, you’re going to keep close attention on his breath and subtle body movements, and read how he’s feeling and responding. But be sure to check in often as well. Ask how he feels and where he’s at on the 1 to 10 scale. When you transition to using a new move, check in to see how he likes it.
The penis is remarkably tough, in terms of the pressure it can handle, which surprises most women. Always err on the side of gentle, but ask about the pressure to see if he wants more. Some spots will be very sensitive. Other areas will be able to handle all your finger strength.
(One caveat here: a lot of guys are used to maximum pressure and speed, in order to race to orgasm. He might not be used to slower, softer touch, and how pleasure can build up over a few minutes, even when he doesn’t feel it right away. So keep note not to go hard all the time. Most of the time it should be SLOW and more on the gentler side of the spectrum.)
To give you both an idea of what kind of timeline to expect, the actual penis massage itself should take about 30 minutes.
Use the following moves in the order I’m laying them out. Take it nice and easy. Once in a while, speed up briefly to emphasize some pleasure. But again, this is not about racing towards a climax (or necessarily bringing him to a climax at all). It’s about healing touch.
By the way, you have permission to improvise. Not all of these techniques might be home runs for him. Or they might be on another day. Follow your intuition. Keep checking in and being patient.
Overall, really take your time. Let this be as meditative for you as it is for him. Be present to every sensation and stroke.
Begin by warming up some oil between your palms. At his side, with your fingers pointed toward his feet, place one hand at his testes and draw it up the length of his penis, followed by the other hand. Repeat this motion, overlapping your hands and applying the oil.
As always, keep your attention and intention in your hands, and be really present with what you’re doing. You don’t want to just slather on some oil haphazardly. The mindfulness element of this process can not be overstated.
Once he’s well lubricated, you can begin using the following techniques…
1. The Bridge Of Integration
Moving from the whole body massage into the penis massage, a good way to start is with the bridge of integration.
Sitting between his legs (or facing his genitals directly if you are standing up), take your open hand and slide it from the base of his testicles, over his penis, over his stomach, and then move your hand over his chest around the nipples, and then back down the side of the body. Almost as if you’re doing a capital letter ‘P’ over the left side of his body with your right hand, and mirrored capital P on the right side of his body with your left hand. Alternate your hands as you go, so that one hand is always in contact with his body, if not both.
2. Deep Healing
Use your thumbs to massage right beneath his testicles, on his ‘perineum’ – the space between his testicles and his anus. Many men carry a lot of pent up tension in this spot, so he will likely be able to tolerate (and enjoy) a good amount of firm pressure here.
As always, go slowly, take your time with this step, and check in with him as to how the pressure feels.
As an alternate (or additional move), you can use the knuckles of your closed fist to massage into the perineum. Either pressing in and holding there, acupressure style, or pressing in and ‘vibrating’ your fist into the perineum will work.
3. The Snake Charmer
Using your thumb and index finger, form a gentle circle around his testes with one hand and give them a gentle tug downward while the other hand wraps around the shaft and slowly smothers excess oil from the base to the tip.
Make it a gentle intro and really take your time with this move. Let your penis-stroking hand go extra slowly, especially in the beginning. This move simultaneously feels relaxing and pleasurable.
(Note: every man is different when it comes to any sort of testicle massage/testicle play. So it’s generally a good practice to a) start very gently, and b) check in with him to make sure that the amount of gentle pressure is okay/enjoyable for him. If not, no worries! Just avoid any testicle massage or testicle-enveloping/ring-forming positions)
4. Tip to Tail
Because this is such an unconventional way for his penis to be touched, this move helps break up his expectations and create a more therapeutic tone.
There’s a thick ligament that runs down the underside of his penis – from the tip deep into the pelvis near the anus. You can find the full length of it two ways. If you’re placed between his legs, gently take your thumbs on either side of the ligament at the base of his penis, and trace it downward toward the anus.
If you’re at his side (due to a massage table, or otherwise) using your thumbs will be awkward to try and reach the deeper spot, so you can use your index fingers instead.
Once you’re there, keep your thumbs pressed on either side of it and slowly trace the ligament up to the tip of his penis, and back down.
After you’ve gotten a hang of this stroke, you can switch to alternating your thumbs and applying pressure directly centred on the ligament itself. One thumb starts and the other follows right afterward. (Tip: this part of him can take a good amount of pressure, which you can work up to while checking in with him.)
Here’s another great tip for something you can do either to transition between moves, or just once in a while. With his penis laying against his belly, take one palm and press down on it, while the other hand GENTLY grasps his testes and tugs them away from his body. Briefly draw small circles with them.
The little cords attached to the testes are incredibly sensitive, but it feels amazing when they’re lightly stretched. It will also curb his urge to ejaculate if he’s getting aroused.
5. Waves of Bliss
From between his legs, wrap both hands around the base of his shaft and interlock your fingers. Keep your thumbs side-by-side, pointing upward, so that your hands are in a bit of a prayer position while enveloping his penis.
If you have short fingernails, curl your fingers and gently press your fingertips into the underside of his penis. With a bit of a squeeze, you’ll be delivering a Swedish-style massage stroke as you move your hands up and down.
If you have longer fingernails, you obviously don’t want to dig your fingernails straight down into his shaft. Use the pads of your thumbs instead.
When you’re set, slowly stroke the length of his shaft. The fingers will be giving a nice, deep massage, while the thumbs will be stimulating the frenulum, located on the underside of the tip of his penis.
You will find you can tweak the form here to suit you. And you want to increase the speed or pressure, go for it (making sure to check in with him to make sure that he isn’t being sent over the edge prematurely).
6. The Acupressure Stretch
Using primarily the thumb and index finger of each hand, gently clamp the centre of his penis with either hand. Move slowly in opposite directions to create a gentle stretch. When you reach the outer points, pause there to give an extra tug. Repeat in waves, from the middle, moving outward, and then pausing at the base and tip.
This is a time where he might be able to handle a significant amount of pressure. Ask him to see what feels best.
7. The Bottle Opener
With the thumb and index finger of one hand enveloping the base of the shaft, wrap the other around the head of his penis and use it to make a twisting motion left and right – as if you were trying to slowly open the screw-top lid on a bottle of wine.
You shouldn’t have to move your arm very much at all. This should mostly be a rocking action at the wrist. Whichever hand is at the base, squeeze a few fingers to create more leverage for you, and more sensation for him. Once you get the mechanics down, you can get going quite fast with this one (as long as you aren’t sending him over the edge before he wishes to – as this can be quite a stimulating move for most men).
8. The Pearl Stroke
Wrap your stronger/lead hand loosely around his shaft. Wrap the first few fingers of the other hand around the base. In this stroke, most of the action is in your leading hand, with a subtle opposing stroke and squeeze in the lower one.
As the lead hand strokes upwards and twists, the lower hand will be tugging and twisting (for a much shorter distance) in the opposite direction. The function of that hand is to keep his foreskin down while providing some extra pleasure in squeezing the base.
With this stroke, you have the option to get as intense as you like. It could be a highly sensual way to bring his arousal levels up mid-massage, or a highly-pleasurable way for him to finish.
(OPTIONAL: a prostate massage is something else you could work in to end this experience. If he’s never experienced either prostate or penis massage before, I’d recommend starting with the usual process above and working the prostate into future sessions. It can be a lot all at once.)
9. Climbing The Mountain Top
At this stage of the massage (assuming it has been at least 20 minutes of a combination of the previous techniques), you can now take three to five minutes to give your partner the most pleasure possible. When his arousal level is starting to get to an 8 out of 10, have him tell you, and discontinue the stimulation. Take a break, encourage him to breathe, and when his arousal level is back down to a 5, you can begin again. Do this raising and lowering of arousal for several rounds (at least three).
If, at this stage of the massage, he doesn’t have an erection, that is totally fine. Ask him which stroke he enjoyed the most, and do that again. Not with the intention of him getting an erection, but simply for him to receive the most love, attention, and healing.
If he does have an erection, and you have stimulated him to an 8 out of 10 several times, you can move on to the next phase.
How to Finish
Assuming he hasn’t cum yet – once you have reached the end of the time and cycled through these moves, pause and place your palms back in the home position, over his penis and heart.
Here, you have a few different ways to end the massage.
- You can choose to make love, if that appeals to both of you
- You can end it there, cuddle, and share about the experience
- He can ejaculate, via your hands (note: don’t assume that he wants to ejaculate – check in with him and verbally ask him if he would like to climax or not)
Whichever path your partner chooses, it should always come back to end with number 2 – where you take turns sharing what you felt during the experience, and what you learned through it.
This is where you might integrate deep realizations, or unearth them through talking it out, and cementing a deeper bond with each other.
Overall, make sure to end the penis massage with a lot of spaciousness. He might have some emotions come up during or after. Be there and just hold them (energetically or physically if he wants to be cuddled by you) through his emotional release. This is a beautiful and natural part of the process. Never rush. Just love him through it and let it all happen.
Very few men have ever experienced such loving attention and presence for their genitals. Whether you do this as a one-off practice that you and your partner try, or it is a new regular occurrence in your sex life, I thank you for giving such loving attention to your partner. I honour you for honouring your man.
Dedicated to your success,
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