I was recently working with a client- let’s call him Joe- who has been plagued constantly by erectile dysfunction. Impotence was a consistent source of stress in his life. Since losing his virginity at 17, Joe experienced difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection anytime he was with a woman he found attractive.
As I delved deeper into the thoughts and habits of Joe, I learned that he was a semi-regular porn consumer. Joe spent about 15-20 hours a week viewing pornography. To some readers, that may seem like a lot. To others, that number might sound quite reasonable (or even low). But the one thing that those hours undoubtedly were is harmful.
Think of it this way…
If you were raised on fast food, your first bite of a vegetable would be largely unsatisfying. That vegetable would taste lifeless and uninspired. Fast food (burgers, pizza, french fries, etc.) is designed to be very stimulating to your senses so that you form an addiction to it. These junk foods light up the reward circuitry in your brain to let you know that delicious (but very empty) calories are being sent into your body. And momentarily, that food makes you feel amazing. But that feeling only lasts for those fleeting moments of initial consumption…
Just as fast food is a false form of nutrition, pornography is a false version of intimacy.
How Porn Use Is Ruining Your Sex Life
Many studies have shown that porn consumption is hazardous to your psychological and sexual health. It affects the strength and duration of your erections, weakens your desire to approach real women, creates unrealistic expectations of your current or future sexual partners, damages the intimacy in your relationships, and weakens the sexual attraction you experience for your partners.
In one session of porn consumption, you’re able to view hundreds of sexually available, airbrushed women playing out your every sexual fantasy. Then, when it comes time to being with one static woman in bed, your routinely overstimulated brain experiences difficulty reaching arousal.
Porn addiction is what is known as an “arousal addiction.” Instead of wanting more of the same of something (like drug addiction), you crave more varied stimulation. You are ultimately trapping yourself in an endless spiral of insatiability. Your brain cannot allow you to experience sexual satisfaction with your partner simply because it doesn’t offer enough variety. Bottom line, porn is poisoning your sex life.
(Side note: Evolution has not hardwired our brains to comprehend the false reality of pornography- click a button and POOF! a sexual partner appears instantly. Hundreds of years ago, if you wanted to see a naked woman, you had to become socially capable and attractive enough to earn it. An unfortunate secondary symptom to porn consumption is that you have yet another reason to NOT approach women in real life. Why say ‘hi’ to that cute brunette walking down the street if you can just find a thousand naked women who look just like her on your favourite website?)
How To Transition Away From Porn
So what steps can you take to lessen your porn load?
Here are three tips on how to cut back and eventually eliminate your porn consumption, escalating from the easiest to adopt to the hardest.
1. Commit to only viewing one actress’s work
This is a lesser of two evils when compared to overconsumption. Instead of randomly clicking through hundreds of different porn stars, you are conditioning your brain to respond to one individual actress. By limiting your consumption in this way, you reduce the likelihood of being over-stimulated by mass variety.
Presumably, this performer will have the body type that you are generally attracted to. If you are currently in a relationship, choose an actress who most closely resembles your partner. By choosing the single actress you will view based on your type, you are also conditioning your brain to respond well to the woman you will be sleeping with in real life. This step allows you to more easily transition from pornography to the real thing.
2. Cut down time spent watching porn
Reduce your normal porn consumption. Cut down to viewing porn only once or twice a week. Set a timer for ten to twenty minutes to avoid binging during your sessions. Schedule it, if you need to, but set a hard boundary. Make it non-negotiable and stick to your limit.
3. Try the 90-day experiment
The most effective way to eliminate porn use is the 90 Day Experiment. Go cold turkey and do not watch porn for 90 days. Get a friend to hold you accountable if necessary.
The Exception
There is one exception that I recommend to my clients regarding porn use. If you find that you really want some visual stimulation to get your mind going when masturbating, make and use porn of your partner.
Bring it up honestly. Tell your partner that you read that porn was bad for your sexual health, and, while you aren’t a heavy user by any means, you would like to cut it from your life entirely. Explain that you would love if it you had material of her to masturbate to whenever you are apart (like when either of you are travelling, etc.). Letting your partner know that you are choosing to masturbate solely to material of her is a way to express how desirable you find her.
You get better at whatever you are doing in any moment. So by training your brain to masturbate to your partner, you continually increase your sexual attraction to her.
The Benefits of Non-Consumption
Here is what I have found since cutting porn from my life many months ago…
– More control over orgasms
– Increased sex drive
– Greater overall sex drive from a balanced place
– Stronger and longer lasting erections
– Increased sexual attraction to partners
– More gratitude for sexual partners
– More mental and emotional presence with women
– Less judgment of “real” women’s bodies
– More appreciation of women in general
I want to end on the note that I don’t think that porn is inherently evil. I believe that it has its place in the world and is an interesting cultural barometer for what people are into sexually (especially the things that people don’t openly admit to).
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will likely also love checking out:
– How To Recover From Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction
