Want to have more energy, feel less stress day to day, and have your significant other respond to you like she did when you first started dating?
If there’s one thing that being a relationship coach has taught me over the past decade it’s this… every guy has some sexual insecurity.
Whether it’s around performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, occasional premature ejaculation, or the fear that her former lovers did it better than he is able to do it… every guy worries about his sexual performance.
By encouraging the full spectrum of your sexual self, you can learn how to have bed frame shaking sex that deeply recharges you and allows you to dominate in your day to day life.
How To Be A Beast In Bed
There are two sides to masculine sexuality. Just like the yin and yang symbol, there is lightness and there is darkness.
The lighter side of masculine sexuality is the curious, explorative, loving, and gentle side. In western society, men tend to have a much greater relationship with this side of their sexuality. Think of the light side as the gentlemanly side.
The darker side of masculine sexuality is the dominant, selfish, and controlling side. In western society, most men have very little relationship with this side. The dark side is the beast, and he has been tamed into a lapdog.
(Side note: the wildly popular 50 Shades Of Grey trilogy did so well because the lead male character, Christian Grey, was dripping with dark masculine sexuality. He was pure beast in the bedroom. More on this later on in the article.)
So how can you get back in touch with your more primal side and bring the heat back into your sex life?
How do you get your partner to respond to you like she did in the first few months that you were dating?
Mental Preparatory Work
To have deeply transformational sex and occupy beast territory, you first have to clear all of the blocks that you have towards sex itself.
Society shoves sex and sexuality in your face from a young age with a lot of mixed messaging. To be sexy you must buy this cologne, or wear these jeans, or be blemish free and have a six pack of abs. In order to get you to buy their products marketers often try to make you feel insecure about how you currently are. This can leave you with a lot of inhibitions when it comes to your sex life.
In order to be a beast in bed you must first clear some room in your mind and unlearn a ton of old social conditioning that isn’t serving you.
1. Challenge Your Belief That Women Aren’t As Sexual As Men
Despite the progress we’ve made as a society, there is still a permeating belief that women don’t enjoy having sex as much as men do (or that they don’t crave it just as frequently).
From my perspective, women have a lot more barriers to having sex than men do.
Men’s reputations generally improve when they have had a lot of sexual partners (they get social validation from it). And if anything, women’s reputations suffer from having had an abundance of sexual partners. The tables are slowly turning on this, but unfortunately this is still the world we live in.
Despite risking their reputation, an increased risk of contracting STI’s, and the ability to be impregnated through sex, women still have sex with many partners through their lifetime (as they should be).
All of this is to say that if you still think that sex is something that women let us do with them, then you might want to re-shape that belief in a big way. When you learn how to sexually open your woman then you might be shocked as to the depth and voraciousness of her sexuality. In fact, you’ll probably have a tough time keeping up!
2. Read Popular Erotica
The mass-scale success of books like the 50 Shades Of Grey trilogy speak to an under-fucked culture of people who need something more exciting in their love lives.
There is a lot you can learn about female sexuality from reading popular erotica novels. In every series of books that I have read (and yes, I have read many erotica series in their entirety) the male protagonists have very consistent characteristics. They are articulate, quick witted, vulnerable, sexually explorative, are unapologetically sexual, and only have eyes for the female protagonist. In other words, they are intelligent, attentive, men who largely have their lives together and aren’t afraid to show their partners that they aren’t perfect.
While the quality of writing in the 50 Shades books would have Jane Austen rolling in her grave, you can at least pick up some nifty ideas on kinkier sex from thumbing through the first book.
If the writing style is too much for you to get past, read My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday and read about women’s sexual fantasies as written by women themselves. Some of the stories will shock you (in a good way).
3. Cut Out Porn
I’ve written on this extensively in the past, but suffice it to say that watching porn is ruining your sex life.
Pornography is to sexual intimacy as cocaine is to a balanced and nutritious breakfast.
It damages your mind on a neurological level, it damages your beliefs about sex and your partner, and it negatively impacts the strength of your erections in a huge way. Just say no to porn.
If you have difficulties staying away from porn when you’re tired or your willpower is low, you can always use apps to keep you honest (SelfControl works)
4. Actively Accept Everything About Sex
Many people have a pick and choose mentality when it comes to what is right, normal, or moral when it comes to their sex lives and the sex lives of others.
This buffet-style mindset is holding you (and society) back from growing. Take a moment now to acknowledge that everything about sex is normal, healthy, and fine. Just because it doesn’t appeal to you doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t appeal to others. Maybe Jill likes being spanked, bitten, and held down, and Bob likes to cuddle, wear a cape, and listen to Kings Of Leon during sex. Neither one is more right or wrong than the other. They are simply two sets of preferences held by two separate minds.
Bottom line: as long as it is shared between two consenting adults, it’s all good.
Don’t pick and choose what you see as acceptable for people to engage in. You have your preferences and other people have theirs. This step will open you up for your next exercise.
(If you think that you have more limiting beliefs than most about sex you might want to journal about this later on. Place these three questions on your page with space between for you to fill out the answers: 1) What about sex do I think is dirty, strange, or wrong?, 2) Why do I think these things? Whose voice is telling me that these things shouldn’t be considered ‘normal’?, 3) Does it serve me and my sexual partner(s) to hold on to these beliefs? What would it feel like if I simply fully accepted that these things make other people happy, and they don’t necessarily need to do anything for me sexually?)
5. Make A Wish List For Your Ideal Sex Life
This is a simple exercise that next to no one in the world has ever done.
Sit somewhere where you are comfortable and alone with something to write with. Now write out two lists (or one master list) on 1) what your ideal sex life looks like, and 2) what things you may want to try out one day with someone that you are comfortable with.
If this is an exercise that you’ve never tapped into in the past, it might feel like foreign territory at first. I had one client who described his experience like this…
“When you first asked me to write about my ideal sex life, my mind resisted it in a big way. I had always just assumed that my autopilot answer was “Lots of it, all the time”. But I realized I was coming from a scarcity mindset surrounding my sexuality, it allowed my mind to open up and really roam free. I felt like a once-poor child who is used to only asking for the bare minimum on his Christmas wish list, who then turned into a spoiled brat who wanted five of these, and two of these other things in this colour. It was a hugely liberating exercise and I wish I had done it years earlier in my sexual maturation.”
So lean in to this exercise and see what your mind comes up with. Talk about sexual frequency, sexual positions, different acts, or fantasies. It’s all good. And you don’t have to necessarily show anyone your list so it’s not like anyone is going to find out what a naughty little perv you are (in a good way!).
6. Talk To Your Partner About Your Sex Life
If you are in a relationship, have an honest conversation about your sex life with your partner.
The things that most frequently becomes points of contention in long-term relationships are the things that most frequently get swept under the rug (finances, sex, children, etc.).
Have a phones off, distractions free conversation with them to see how they feel with your sex life. Ask them how happy they are, what they would like to potentially see change, or if there’s anything new they would like to try out.
If voicing the answers to the last two questions is too difficult for them you could always have them do exercise #5 from this section and then compare notes. You might be surprised as to how open minded they are compared to what you once thought.