Jan 28, 2021

Does Polyamory Ever Work?

Does polyamory ever work?

I received the following letter from a reader the other day.

“I’ve been struggling for the better part of several months dealing with leaving my ex for the second time (who came back early last year love bombing me for months, then completely shifting saying he wants to be polyamorous). Does poly even work? Or is that usually the beginning of the end?” – Alice

In order to answer the question of ‘Does polyamory work?’, one must first check-in on their definition of the word ‘work’.

Yes, polyamory works if your desire is to have access to multiple sexual partners throughout the course of your lifetime.

Yes, polyamory works if you want to get deeply in touch with (and process through) the theme and experience of jealousy in your life.

Polyamory can work for many things, depending on what it is you are looking to optimize for.

Ultimately, this comes down to your core values.

Every relationship contains lessons in it. So, what lessons are you wanting to learn in your precious years on this planet?

Overall, I don’t think that polyamory is healthy or ideal for the vast majority of people.

In my experience of working with thousands of people 1-on-1 and in groups for over a decade, most individuals tend to use polyamory as a way to escape their deeper work.

For example, instead of naming their most vulnerable sexual desires with their primary partner, they can avoid the tough conversations and get those needs met elsewhere. Or instead of having to fully face into a burdensome character defect, they can simply outsource that piece of the relationship to someone else. Simply put, polyamory gives our egos significantly more opportunities to hide.

Polyamory As A Mask For Intimacy Avoidance

As the saying goes, “The easiest relationship in the world is a relationship with a million people. The most difficult relationship is the relationship with one person.”

That is because when you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with one person, your ego has no wiggle room. Here this person is… this one, precious mirror, reflecting all of your stuff back to you, and there’s no escaping the truth of what they are showing you. Whereas many people who engage in polyamory do so from a place of avoidance. As in, it’s easier to avoid certain challenging aspects of your psyche/personality/ego when you have the option to just leave a sticky disagreement with your primary partner and go off on a date with someone else for some light reprieve.

Does this mean that poly can’t work or isn’t ever healthy? Of course not. There are literally hundreds of billions of relationships in the world, and there are absolutely people who make polyamory work from a healthy, integrated place.

In my experience, these couples are few and far between. It takes excellent self-awareness, communication skills, and maturity to make a polyamorous relationship dynamic work long-term. Are there emotionally mature people who are expertly self-aware and possess great communication skills? Yes, of course there are… but I would argue that they are the minority in any given population sample.

In summary, polyamory can ‘work’ if the themes that you’re looking to work on are specifically catered to a polyamorous lifestyle. But for the vast majority of people, doing deeper inner work with one partner will yield far better results than dating several people at a time.

Blog

Related

See All
This Is Your Life Purpose
Oct 8, 2017
Jordan Gray
This Is Your Life Purpose
To feel alive... This is your life purpose. Spend time with people who make you feel alive. Eat food that makes you feel alive. Do work that makes you feel alive. Spend your money on experiences that make you feel more alive. Do things that make you feel alive. If the answer is...
Continue Reading
How To Fully Release Difficult Emotions That Hold You Back
Aug 7, 2016
Jordan Gray
How To Fully Release Difficult Emotions That Hold You Back
Do your emotions wreak havoc on your life? If you've lived for more than a decade or two, chances are there are some deeply buried emotions inside of you that hold you back in your life. You may not be consciously aware of these stuck emotions on a daily basis… but they are clogging you up and robbing...
Continue Reading
How To Prioritize Being Over Doing
Apr 12, 2016
Jordan Gray
How To Prioritize Being Over Doing
For the past three years I have been pushing the metaphorical boulder up the hill. I’ve created a business that more than takes care of my needs, while reaching over a million readers per month with my writing. For this fact, I feel supremely grateful. Nothing touches my heart more than knowing that...
Continue Reading
It’s Terrifying And Then It’s Amazing
Apr 8, 2016
Jordan Gray
It’s Terrifying And Then It’s Amazing
I’m going on an airplane tomorrow. And I really, truly do not enjoy flying. I know… it’s a modern miracle… and it’s all “WOW I’M IN THE SKY RIGHT NOW!”… but I can’t help but feel like we’re going to drop out of the sky at any moment. Even though that’s fairly impossible. And even though there’s a way...
Continue Reading
How To Meet Women That Can Keep Up With Your Nomadic Lifestyle
Mar 20, 2014
Jordan Gray
How To Meet Women That Can Keep Up With Your Nomadic Lifestyle
The lifestyle of a location independent entrepreneur is a unique one. You have the unique luxury of being able to pick up your life and move to a different country at a moments notice. Whether it's a conference, mastermind, or spiritual awakening you're going to next, the next trip is never far. So...
Continue Reading
How To Overcome The 3 Most Common Challenges In Your Life
Aug 19, 2013
Jordan Gray
How To Overcome The 3 Most Common Challenges In Your Life
The masculine energy in all of us thrives on challenge. One of the main reasons that a lot of men enjoy watching professional sports is the inherent challenge tied into the game play. The player has to get the object into the thing… but, oh boy, there's a challenge in the way! And that challenge...
Continue Reading