Jan 28, 2021

Does Polyamory Ever Work?

Does polyamory ever work?

I received the following letter from a reader the other day.

“I’ve been struggling for the better part of several months dealing with leaving my ex for the second time (who came back early last year love bombing me for months, then completely shifting saying he wants to be polyamorous). Does poly even work? Or is that usually the beginning of the end?” – Alice

In order to answer the question of ‘Does polyamory work?’, one must first check-in on their definition of the word ‘work’.

Yes, polyamory works if your desire is to have access to multiple sexual partners throughout the course of your lifetime.

Yes, polyamory works if you want to get deeply in touch with (and process through) the theme and experience of jealousy in your life.

Polyamory can work for many things, depending on what it is you are looking to optimize for.

Ultimately, this comes down to your core values.

Every relationship contains lessons in it. So, what lessons are you wanting to learn in your precious years on this planet?

Overall, I don’t think that polyamory is healthy or ideal for the vast majority of people.

In my experience of working with thousands of people 1-on-1 and in groups for over a decade, most individuals tend to use polyamory as a way to escape their deeper work.

For example, instead of naming their most vulnerable sexual desires with their primary partner, they can avoid the tough conversations and get those needs met elsewhere. Or instead of having to fully face into a burdensome character defect, they can simply outsource that piece of the relationship to someone else. Simply put, polyamory gives our egos significantly more opportunities to hide.

Polyamory As A Mask For Intimacy Avoidance

As the saying goes, “The easiest relationship in the world is a relationship with a million people. The most difficult relationship is the relationship with one person.”

That is because when you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with one person, your ego has no wiggle room. Here this person is… this one, precious mirror, reflecting all of your stuff back to you, and there’s no escaping the truth of what they are showing you. Whereas many people who engage in polyamory do so from a place of avoidance. As in, it’s easier to avoid certain challenging aspects of your psyche/personality/ego when you have the option to just leave a sticky disagreement with your primary partner and go off on a date with someone else for some light reprieve.

Does this mean that poly can’t work or isn’t ever healthy? Of course not. There are literally hundreds of billions of relationships in the world, and there are absolutely people who make polyamory work from a healthy, integrated place.

In my experience, these couples are few and far between. It takes excellent self-awareness, communication skills, and maturity to make a polyamorous relationship dynamic work long-term. Are there emotionally mature people who are expertly self-aware and possess great communication skills? Yes, of course there are… but I would argue that they are the minority in any given population sample.

In summary, polyamory can ‘work’ if the themes that you’re looking to work on are specifically catered to a polyamorous lifestyle. But for the vast majority of people, doing deeper inner work with one partner will yield far better results than dating several people at a time.

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
10 Ways To Be The Most Romantic Partner She's Ever Had
Dec 30, 2013
Jordan Gray
10 Ways To Be The Most Romantic Partner She’s Ever Had
"Romance is for the unmarried." "Chivalry is dead." "Real men aren't romantic." I've heard these sentiments uttered by people throughout my life. And what a load of crap. The truth? All men have the ability to be romantic. Granted, many guys are afraid to do romantic things because they...
Continue Reading
Girlfriend Has Her Period? Here’s How To Be Awesome
Oct 18, 2015
Jordan Gray
Girlfriend Has Her Period? Here’s How To Be Awesome
If you have a girlfriend/wife/female partner, once every 28 days or so her uterus stages a revolt against her inside of her body. I’ve had my girlfriend explain to me what period cramps feel like, and it sounds like hell. The best way that I could summarize her description of her period (for...
Continue Reading
How To Meet Your Husband In 30 Days
Jul 30, 2024
Jordan Gray
How To Meet Your Husband In 30 Days
Are you a single woman who would prefer to be in a long-term, committed relationship or marriage... with a man who cherishes you? I recently spoke with a client who asked me something along the lines of, "If I were to meet and attract my forever partner as quickly as possible, what sorts of steps...
Continue Reading
I’m Done With Love: 5 Tips For When You’re Tired Of Trying
May 10, 2015
Jordan Gray
I’m Done With Love: 5 Tips For When You’re Tired Of Trying
Some of my clients come to me when they’re feeling their most frustrated and hopeless. They repeat the mantras that are graffitied all over the protective walls surrounding their hearts… “There are no good ones left.” “All men are liars.” “Women just want to get close so that they can treat you poorly...
Continue Reading
The Ultimate Guide To Boosting Testosterone Naturally (7 Steps)
Nov 24, 2018
Jordan Gray
The Ultimate Guide To Boosting Testosterone Naturally (7 Steps)
One year ago, I embarked on a testosterone boosting mission. My question was simple... "By exclusively using science-backed, natural methods, can I double my testosterone levels, without using any drugs, steroids, SARMS, or any other questionable methods that produce long-term damage...
Continue Reading
What If You End Up Alone Forever?
Oct 28, 2018
Jordan Gray
What If You End Up Alone Forever?
Do you fear ending up alone forever? Do you have a deep-down gnawing sense that you’ll never truly be happy until you find your life partner? Well, what if a magic fairy came along and promised you, with absolute certainty, that you would end up alone forever? That you would never find...
Continue Reading