No matter how many first dates you’ve been on, they are always a bit nerve-racking.
You show up with sweaty palms and racing thoughts (“Will they be fun… or awkward? Will I be attracted to them? Will the date go as well as I think it might?”), hoping that you make a real connection with someone that you’ve already been intrigued by.
If you’re prone to feeling an extra bit of tension in those awkward silences, this article will help you keep the conversational ball rolling throughout your date.
No more awkward silences, no more extended glances down at your drink, no more uncomfortable banter with the waiter that screams of “Oh my god, please entertain us for a minute while I think of something articulate or witty to say!”
Good conversational chemistry could make or break the future of your relationship. Get it right, and you could be sitting across from your one and only. Mess it up and you could misrepresent yourself and dash your potential relationship on the rocks.
Master a few of these tips and you’ll never stall out on a date again.
How To Have Balanced Conversations On A First Date
Imagine you and your date are sitting apart from each other across a dinner table…
Now imagine that each thing that either of you says is like blowing a bubble towards the other.
If one of you blows such a massive bubble right away that it crowds the other person, they’re not going to feel very happy about that. Nor would you enjoy it if they did the same to you.
The most comfortable and natural process is if you each take turns blowing bubbles of increasing size, enjoying and making space for each other’s bubbles, until they eventually cross paths and join in the middle. This is how the best conversations tend to go. There’s a natural give and take… an ebb and flow in your verbal bantering that all ultimately serves the purpose of feeling each other out and connecting on an emotional level.
There is a natural progression and escalation in human interaction… whether it be with physical touch (from handshakes, to hugs, to kisses) or emotional intimacy (“How’s your day going?” to “What do you like to do for fun?” to “What scares you about life?”).
Since it’s your first date with this person, make sure that you don’t go straight for the deepest topics right off the bat. Peel the conversation like an onion… one layer at a time.
You’ve got all of the time in the world to get to know this person (if it works out) so take your time. There’s no gold medal for rushing towards the finish line on a first date.
Side note: I have had clients that would go too deep too quickly on first dates and it often pointed to one of two things: boundary issues, or fear of intimacy. Pushing for intimacy too quickly would illustrate a lack of boundaries because they couldn’t see how their questions could possibly make their date uncomfortable. And a fear of intimacy is revealed when they were very aware that their questions could make their partner uncomfortable, so they would keep people at arm’s distance by shocking or offending them with their words.
What To Talk About On A First Date
Now that you know the importance of conversational chemistry, and how to have your conversations flow smoothly, what exactly should you talk about on a first date?
I’ll section these off into different groups depending on what stage of the date you’re looking to improve upon.
Meet And Greet Conversational Topics
It’s fairly inevitable that you will enter into what I call the “interview stage” of the date. To build a foundational level of trust and comfort, many people enjoy hearing about the daily happenings in your life.
Topics to touch on:
Tell me about your best friend. What do you enjoy the most about them? Where did you meet them?
How close are you with your friends? How much time do you spend with them in an average week?
In what ways do your friends push you out of your comfort zone? How do they help you grow?
Are you close with your family?
Do you have any siblings? What are their ages? Are you close with them?
How often do you spend time with your family members?
What do you like to do for fun?
Do you have any hobbies that you love? How long have you been doing that?
Are there any hobbies that you did when you were growing up, and as you’ve gotten older they fell to the wayside? Do you miss doing that hobby? What is it about it that you mainly miss?
What kind of music do you listen to? What is it about that genre that you love?
Who are some of your favourite artists or bands?
Have you been to any amazing concerts recently?
If you could see any musician or band, alive or dead, this coming week, who would it be?
Favorite Food And Drinks
Do you have any favorite foods?
Do you have any favorite drinks?
What is one meal/drink that you could never say no to?
Have you ever had a meal that made you feel like you could almost faint from how delicious it was? What was it?
What are some of your favorite places that you’ve travelled to?
If you could wake up anywhere in the world tomorrow morning, where would it be and why? Would it be somewhere you’ve been before, or somewhere new?
If you had unlimited cash and you had to go live somewhere else for the next three months, where would you choose to live?
Conversation Topics To Evoke Depth On Your Date
Once you’ve established some rapport using the meet and greet questions, you might want to establish a deeper emotional connection.
Use these questions to really get to know each other.
Is there anything you’re really passionate about in your life?
What’s something that you could talk about for hours?
What have you really fallen in love with in your life?
What things in your life start making your heart race with excitement just by thinking of them?
Goals In Life
If you could wave a magic wand over your life, what kinds of things would you have accomplished through this next year?
What are some things that you know you have to accomplish in your lifetime to make you feel like you became who you wanted to be?
Do you have any overarching goals that you’re currently working on in your life?
Do you consider yourself to be a fairly goal-driven person, or are you more of the go-with-the-flow type?
Specific Questions To Introduce Depth Into Your Date
What did you want to be when you were younger?
How would your best friends describe you in three words?
What kinds of things make you the most nervous?
Do you embarrass easily? Do you remember the last time you felt embarrassed about something?
If I really knew you… what would I already know about you?
Let’s use our anonymity to our advantage here… what’s something that only a handful of people know about you?
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Ways To Incorporate Humor Into Your Date
Cyndi Lauper was on to something…
Instead of exclusively asking her questions, it can be quite fun and playful to mix things up a little.
Instead of asking her about her life, make assumptions about it and see how close you can get to the truth.
Assume the number of siblings she has, what she does in her free time, and anything else that you don’t already know about her.
Want to incorporate a bit of humor into your date? Bring your environment into your conversation. Make up ridiculous back stories for your waiter or the other people dining around you. And if you’re not on a dinner date, no worries. There’s tons of other options of places to go on a first date.
Ways To Increase Sexual Tension On Your Date
Looking for ways to increase the sexual vibe (or sexual tension) on your date?
First things first… it’s good to know that emotion kills logic, and logic kills emotion.
So if your date has been stuck in a logical line of questioning for the past little while (think questions like “What do you do in your spare time?”, “What do you do for work?”, etc.) then you’ll want to break up the logic by using emotion. Start asking questions that use feeling words and evoke feeling words from the receiver.
Want some examples of more emotionally driven questions?
When was the last time you felt completely overwhelmed by life in a good way?
When was the last time that you got totally lost in the moment and time felt like it just fell away?
What are some things that you would want an unlimited supply of in your life?
And what’s even better for building sexual tension on your date? Talking less than you did in the first part of your date.
Let the pauses happen. Let them stretch out longer than they did earlier on. Let the silence linger.
And it isn’t just the conversational pacing that should slow down, but you in general.
Soften your eyes (i.e. Jim Morrison or Marilyn Monroe), maintain strong eye contact, and slow down your movements imperceptibly.
If you slow down and drink in the moment, the sexual tension is bound to arise. Simply get out of your head by dropping into your body.
If the vibe is right and the situation calls for it, feel free to talk about sex and all of the awesomeness that surrounds it. Maybe you’ve already built up enough rapport and comfort and your date wants to talk about sex drive, individual turn ons, or past sexual experiences. Nothing’s off limits on a first date conversation wise if both people are comfortable talking about it.
Conversation Topics To Avoid On A First Date
While nothing is completely off limits on a first date, there are some topics that it’s often best to be cautious with.
Past relationships, money, gossip (talking negatively about others), and whether or not you see marriage or kids in your future are all examples of topics you may want to avoid. And as with everything in this article, what might be totally off the table for some (conversations about religion, sex, finances) might be par for the course for others.
The most important rule for your first date conversations? Stay aware of you and your conversational partners comfort level. Even if they are the wind in the sails that keeps the sail boat moving forward, it’s up to you to be the rudder of the ship and make sure it’s being steered in a direction that you both find enjoyable.
Are you still feeling a bit nervous about the impending date? You might want to check out this article.
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. Want some bad ass ideas of places to go on your date? Whether it’s the first date or the 500th date, this book has you covered.