Feb 12, 2014

Does An Equal Marriage Equal Less Sex? Not Quite…

Recent research has shown that the more equal and fair couples are in their partnership the less sex they have.

The more the man does what are considered to be more feminine chores, the happier she says she is with him as a partner, but the less sexually desirable she finds him.

But is this really surprising?

Not to me.

People respond to the sexual differentiation in others. In other words, we are attracted to what is different in our partners.

We adore all of the different sexual ornamentation of the people we are attracted to.

His jaw is so defined. Her lips so full. His beard so thick. Her breasts so prominent.

equal marriage equal less sex, sexual, beautiful lips

When it comes to sexual attractiveness, it is the differences that attract us, not the similarities or overlap.

Because on a deeper level, this all comes down to sexual polarity.

You can either choose to have a relationship in which your partner feels like a close companion and your sex life is more comfortable than erotic (a low polarity relationship) or you can have a relationship with a partner that feels primarily like a lover and where your differences tend to get in the way more during day-to-day non-sexual activities (a high polarity relationship).

Need a more concrete example? See which one of these relationship dynamics appeals more to you.

equal marriage equal less sex

Low Sexual Polarity Relationship

You come home from work and the conversation flows effortlessly. You feel heard, understood, and supported in your easy back-and-forth about your respective days. You feel like you can tell your partner anything without judgment and they feel like your best friend.

You go to bed together, have comfortable, somewhat predictable sex and feel a tiny tinge of guilt in having your mind wander to other people during your most intimate acts.

High Sexual Polarity Relationship

You come home from work and your partner comes bounding in to greet you. You would appreciate this gesture but you kind of want your space right now because it was a hard day at the office. You want to sit down and zone out for a bit but your partner insists on hearing about the details of your day. You feel slightly out of step with your partner in terms of communication, but you are wildly drawn to them in how different they are compared to you.

You grab them hungrily after dinner and whisk them away to bed. These nights (which seem to be most nights, lately) are the ones you live for. You completely lose yourself in them and the sex is so passionately charged that you collapse in contented exhaustion after your nightly romp. They get on your nerves sometimes, but, God are they ever sexy.

sexy couple, sex, attractive, facts about sex, equal marriage equal less sex

Which Relationship Is Better?

Neither one is more right than the other. But it’s important to take note of whether you would rather have a partner that feels like more of a friend or more of a lover. If you couldn’t have it both ways, which relationship setup would you prefer?

You may be wondering, isn’t there a way to have it both ways? I would argue yes.

It takes a self-aware and loving pairing to be intentional about sliding the energetic difference (aka sexual polarity) dial up and down as you see fit.

If you are catching up on your respective days then she might need you to be more de-polarized and similar in order to connect. But if how your partner shares about their day turns into speaking from a place of suffering then you might need you to pick them up, carry them to the bedroom, and ravish them away from their stress.

It’s up to the masculine-associated partner to read their partners energy and know what the feminine partner needs in each moment.

This is the essence of an emotionally and sexually strong partner. The ability to read and calibrate to your partner and give them what they need moment to moment.

She might tell you that she had a long day at work and that she needs to go to bed straight away… but the subtext behind her words might be “I’m drained, feel unattractive, and really need you to push your love on to me right now… but I need you to want it. I don’t want you to do it because you feel like you should do it as a good partner. I need to feel desired. I need to feel taken.” And it’s up to the masculine-associated person to hear that subtext through her words.

It might be an extra long glance at you that signals “Do you still want me?”

It could be a simple word choice or the way in which she described her work day.

In all scenarios, you are looking to read her energy and penetrate through her resistance. She needs to feel your love.

And just as men respond to willing sexual openness and surrender, women respond to strong-minded masculine energy that they can trust.

If you want to read more on how to slide the sexual polarity slider up or down as each moment needs, read this.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Blog

Related

See All
7 Facts About Sex, Love, and Attraction That You Need To Know
Jan 14, 2014
Jordan Gray
7 Facts About Sex, Love, and Attraction That You Need To Know
Before studying attraction and human sexuality I found myself judging people a lot. When people cheated, I found no empathy in my heart for them. When men wouldn't settle down with women who were clearly amazing for them, I dismissed them as non-committers point blank. When people complained...
Continue Reading
The 3 Most Damaging Myths About Dating
Apr 3, 2015
Jordan Gray
The 3 Most Damaging Myths About Dating
When it comes to relationships, people love to blindly follow black and white rules with zero nuance. Why? Because it feels safer that way. Why tap into your own gut-level intuition when you can just follow the rules that someone else passed on to you? Here are three of the most annoyingly pervasive...
Continue Reading
How Experiencing Burnout Made Me A Better Partner
Apr 20, 2015
Jordan Gray
How Experiencing Burnout Made Me A Better Partner
A couple of years ago when I first started building my business, I was working unsustainably crazy hours. I wrote three books in two months, I was writing four new articles per week, and I was hopping around from city to city every few days and dealing with all of the logistics that came along with that. It...
Continue Reading
5 Changes To Make In Your Environment To Improve Your Life
Aug 21, 2013
Jordan Gray
5 Changes To Make In Your Environment To Improve Your Life
Is your environment bringing you down? Your environment has a huge impact on your health, happiness, and your relationships. The physical clutter around you… the people you choose to spend most of your time with… the sounds that fill your ears… they all have large-scale measurable effects on you. Our...
Continue Reading
Givers and Takers: How To Make Sure Your Relationship Lasts
May 10, 2015
Jordan Gray
Givers and Takers: How To Make Sure Your Relationship Lasts
I have worked with countless couples over the past several years on helping them have the most intensely satisfying intimate relationships possible. And through my time as a relationship coach I have noticed a major trend. There are two primary types of couples that come to me… Couples that are struggling...
Continue Reading
44 People Share Their Most Personal Sexual Secrets
Sep 22, 2018
Jordan Gray
44 People Share Their Most Personal Sexual Secrets
I sent out an email to one of my sex-specific email lists the other week and asked 10,000+ people a simple question... "What is your biggest sexual secret?" I then went on to say that they could answer that however they want. It could be a secret about something sexual they had experienced... or...
Continue Reading