Aug 1, 2020

3 Things To Do About Fear Of Your Partner Dying

My partner Demetra and I have lived together for a little over a year.

We are committed to each other. We talk about getting married in the not-so-distant future. And each time our relationship has gone a layer deeper, we have both had a corresponding layer of fear accompany it.

“What if she gets hit by a car? What if the virus gets her? What if in ten years, when we’re even more in love and we have kids, she gets cancer?”, my inner dialogue rambles on.

The deeper in love I fell, the louder certain thought patterns became.

But here’s the thing…

Fear is the other side of the metaphorical coin of love. Love and fear always come together.

So, if you can relate to this, then I would love to share some tools that have helped me in my process. Here we go.

1. Realize and accept that, yes, they may die first

When we resist our fears (or any emotions, for that matter) they just gain momentum.

So instead of immediately turning away from your fears when they present themselves to you, or making yourself wrong for having them, sit down with them and invite them for a conversation. Like you would an old friend.

Play the tape forward on your worst fears.

Maybe you fear that they will die an awful (drawn out, or quick) death when you are at the absolute peak of your love.

Well, then what?

If you ask your anxiety, I’m sure there are dozens of nightmare scenarios you can play out in your mind of what obvious and inevitable things will happen next.

Your fear/anxiety might convince you that:

– You would be inconsolable for weeks, or months… or even years.

– You would feel a pain so unbearable that you wouldn’t want to live any more.

– You might be so distraught that you wouldn’t be able to work, and so you would quickly become unable to feed, house, and support yourself,

– Or maybe you would never find love again, your friends would abandon you, and so you would die old, alone, with decades of isolated pain and meaningless drudgery in your final decades of life.

And guess what? Maybe aspects of this come to have some grain of truth. Maybe your social circle does shift. Or perhaps you do have several months of regular, deep, guttural sobbing.

And… if you are going to allow your creativity to roam free in that direction, then it’s only fair to let it roam free in the other direction too.

Because grief always brings gifts, if you’re open to receiving them.

Yes, terrible, awful, cry-your-eyes-out for months things may occur. And, it is also possible that:

– Your heart cracks open even more than you ever thought possible, and you become a beaming light of kindness, presence, and love to everyone in your family/friend group/extended community.

– You mourn your partner for several months, and then you meet another partner/widower who you go on to have years/decades of heart-transforming love with, while you both honour your deceased partners as the silent forces that helped shape you into being who you both are today.

– You have more time to volunteer and you help your community grow and deepen. You create a best-selling book of poetry about your grieving process. You eventually become a grief counsellor and help people who are in your former situation. The sky’s the limit.

In other words, yes, pain is awful. Grief is difficult. But it is also beautiful. And you are as capable as anyone else at channeling your emotions into something that helps the world.

2. Swap ‘What if’ for ‘What is’

‘What if’ thinking causes you to be overly focused on the future, and it causes anxiety.

Whereas ‘What is’ thinking brings you back to the present moment.

When you catch yourself obsessing over future events that have not happened, break the circuit in your mind by starting the internal prompt of ‘What is’.

What is true is that my partner and I are very much in love, and they bring me joy everyday. What is real is that I get to wake up next to my partner every day, and I am grateful for it. Et cetera.

3. Harness the fear by letting it open you, today, in how you act with them

The single greatest thing you can do with your fear of your partner dying is to let it inform your present day actions.

Death reminds us to be present to life. The ever-looming threat of death wakes us up to what is real, now.

Instead of fretting over whether or not you will lose them someday, channel that fear into loving them better.

Tell them what you love about them, and tell them often. Be gracious, kind, and quick to forgive. If they pay you a compliment, say thank you and let it in. Listen to them speak with all of your fullness of attention. Go on dates with them. When you hug them, hug them with your whole heart.

In other words, don’t phone it in. Don’t sleepwalk through your relationship.

You never know when it could be your last day with them. So love them in a way that makes you feel like you left it all on the playing field.

Love them completely. Love them with totality.

What You’re Feeling Is Completely Normal

As you go further into a relationship with someone you care deeply about, it’s completely normal to have a fear of loss come up.

We can deny death and attempt to numb out… or we can say to ourselves, ‘Yes, death is an inevitable fact of life… and I will allow it to influence the way that I live my life, now, and always. I don’t know how or when we might lose each other… but I know that I can control how fully I love you. And I choose to love you with an open heart, every day.’

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Ps. If you enjoyed this article, and you want to find other ways to be intentional in the way that you love, you should check out the following:

12 Questions To Drastically Strengthen Your Relationship

Clearing: The Single Greatest Connection Exercise For Couples

3 Exercises That Will Take Your Relationship To The Next Level

Blog

Related

See All
7 Of My Favourite Quotes That Will Turn You Into A Better Person
Dec 22, 2018
Jordan Gray
7 Of My Favourite Quotes That Will Turn You Into A Better Person
I, Jordan Gray, am a quote junkie.  Every close friend, confidante, and fellow growth warrior in the trenches of life alongside me knows that a pre-requisite of being in my life is being comfortable with me starting every fifth sentence with the words, “That reminds me of the quote…” I...
Continue Reading
5 Steps To A More Integrated Masculinity
Jun 7, 2019
Jordan Gray
5 Steps To A More Integrated Masculinity
Men are not born men. They become men through intention. To develop and integrate your masculinity, and truly feel like a man, you’ll have to put in particular types of effort in specific areas. Because, unlike pubic hair, masculinity and psychological maturity aren't automatic achievements you unlock...
Continue Reading
Wear The Sword Until You Can’t: A Life Philosophy
Feb 28, 2016
Jordan Gray
Wear The Sword Until You Can’t: A Life Philosophy
Once upon a time, in real life, there was a guy named William Penn. William was a Quaker and also a nobleman, which led to a lot of conflicts in his personal values. As you may know, Quakers are committed pacifists (they oppose war, violence, and militarism). A symbolic conflict for him was that he...
Continue Reading
How To Love Your Highly Sensitive Partner
Mar 15, 2015
Jordan Gray
How To Love Your Highly Sensitive Partner
I recently received a message from one of my readers that sparked my interest. - “My wife is (what she labels as) a “highly sensitive person” or HSP. Quite often, things that I don’t see as a huge deal can make her go running for shelter for hours on end. I love her to bits and I just want to understand...
Continue Reading
No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Book Review
Sep 18, 2016
Jordan Gray
No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Book Review
“You have to check out this book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It’s like the author has been following us around for the last thirty years and totally has us pegged.“ When my friend Mike told me about this book, I thought that the title seemed a little bit ridiculous. Was I about to learn how to be an asshole?...
Continue Reading
3 Ways To Reparent Your Inner Child
May 12, 2020
Jordan Gray
3 Ways To Reparent Your Inner Child
It is an unequivocal fact that your childhood shaped who you are today. And no matter how self-aware, loving, and supportive your parents were, it’s also a fact that they passed on their unprocessed emotions and unexamined habits on to you. So, as you’ve grown from being a child to being an adult,...
Continue Reading