Tell me if this sounds familiar…
I recently went on a date. And less than ten minutes into the date the woman sitting across from me asked me what I did for a living (a completely reasonable question).
When I told her that I am a self-employed relationship coach and had written four books, she was immediately impressed.
Too impressed in fact.
For the rest of the date she fawned over me and seemed to have lost the ability to say no to me.
In other words, she lost her sense of self and neglected her personal boundaries several times over simply because she was dazzled by my career choice.
And I can’t even begin to describe how disheartened this made me feel.
This dynamic is equivalent to assessing a woman as desirable just because of her physical beauty. No matter what she says she’s into, you’re into it as well. If she tells you that she admires a particular interest, you automatically reply with “Yeah, I love that, too!”, even though you may privately have absolutely no interest in it.
How Financial Success Can Hurt You In The Early Courtship Phase
You know how the story goes…
Women are sex objects, and men are success objects.
Her batting her dark, full eyelashes is only upstaged by her even fuller bra.
You tossing around your thick money clip is only upstaged by your even fuller bank account.
So what’s a guy to do to ensure that the woman that he’s romantically interested in is genuinely attracted to him as a person, not to his status and potential in society? You could be vague about what you do for a living, but only when you first meet, as you’d have to fully disclose your career soon. As one client told me, he says he works “in transportation”, because the fawning begins when women learn that he’s a pilot.
How To Figure Out If She Is After Your Money
1. Let Go Of Your Need To Provide
In order to attract emotionally stable, confident women, you need to first let go of the unconscious need to be the provider from the outset.
If you use money as a tool to compensate for your lack of self-esteem then you will continue to attract women that will happily use your money-as-manipulation.
I’ve had clients who bought their part-time girlfriends cars, and paid their rent just for the opportunity to keep dating them. If you use money to get access to people, don’t be surprised if they take advantage of your offer.
Entrepreneurs in particular are used to having a high degree of control in their interactions. So is it that surprising that some of them resort to paying for their girlfriend’s lifestyle in order to keep her around? Not surprising. But not healthy either.
Character talks, money walks. And if someone is judged primarily on their physical attractiveness or their fat bank account, then it stands to reason that they can be easily replaced.
2. Don’t Splurge On The First Date
As a secondary symptom of point #1, if you let your flashy date nights do the talking for you, then you might be selling yourself short and setting a bad precedent in your relationships.
You don’t have to avoid spending any money on your first date, but if you feel the compulsory need to spend at least a few bills to impress your first date then you might need to check in with how you feel about the value that you bring to the table.
Get creative and invite her out for some low cost options to see if she can be fun and engaging in a casual environment. Check out the aquarium, local pool hall, or just grab a coffee and take a walk near your cities most beautiful look outs. For more low-cost, highly effective date ideas, check out this book.
3. See What She Does When The Bill Arrives
Has it been five dates and she hasn’t even hinted at picking up a tab for you in more than an obligatory way?
Obviously every relationship dynamic is different and some people are very clear that they feel loved and taken care of through acts of service. But men want to feel inspired into action… not cornered into servitude.
If they aren’t at least willing to offer to pay for a date that they suggested, then you might want to take this as a warning sign.
4. Where Does She Get Her Sense Of Identity?
How much importance does she place on wearing certain brands? Being seen with specific material possessions that the “in crowd” would approve of? How much of her intrinsic self-worth is tied to the things she owns, and not the character traits that she possesses?
If she cares more about being seen with a Coach purse than the words that come out of her mouth, watch out. It could be a red flag.
5. Can She Say No To You?
In the courtship phase of attracting a partner, there is always a bluffing phase where you feel each other out.
You throw something out to see if it rattles them. There is a lot of testing in the early part of relationships. Your conversations are very touch and go.
Early stage flirting is largely the process of messing around with someone to see how much control you can have over them. If the person you’re on a date with seems to have no backbone once they find out that you’re conventionally successful, you won’t likely find them interesting or stimulating for long.
Is Being Attracted To Someone’s Lifestyle Necessarily A Bad Thing?
There will always be some validity to her being attracted to you for the kind of life that you provide. And that isn’t a bad thing, and of course you want to be physically attracted to each other, too.
But men want to be inspired into heroism. We want to take care of and provide for our women because we feel compelled to. Something inside of us calls out and says “This one! This is the one whose life you want to make better on every level.” Which is a huge change of pace from “This woman expects me to spring for all of the tabs just because I can. It is expected of me and I feel like a doormat because of it.”
And if you’re still unsure, introduce her to your friends and see what they think. Your intuition will be confirmed by those whose opinions you already trust.
Dedicated to your success,