When I work with single clients, they often hesitate to fully acknowledge what they want in a partner.
In fact, there are a handful of themes that consistently come up as it pertains to things they don’t give themselves full permission to want.
And without conscious awareness of these themes, people are at risk of settling on major pillars of their future relationships without even knowing it.
So today, I want to dive into seven of the most common “I’m not allowed to want that” traps that I see people engaging in.
You might recognize yourself in one of these, or even a few.
Ready? Let’s dig in.
7 Incredibly Reasonable Things You’re Allowed To Want In A Partner
1. You’re allowed to want to find them attractive
You’re not being shallow. No, you’re not being unreasonable. And no, you’re not being too picky.
You are absolutely allowed to want to feel physically attracted to your partner.
They don’t have to be a perfect 10 model, but you should have (at minimum) a functional, baseline attraction to them that grows with time.
When you see them, your body should respond. With a feeling of pull… opening… desire… safety… attraction.
If you find yourself going on a date (or a few dates) with someone and you feel like your attraction to them is a 2/10, there’s generally a low probability that that will grow into something real.
Conversely, if in your early dating interactions with a potential partner you find your body opening in response to their presence… if you love looking at them and your body feels warm and excited around them, then that’s a great sign, and something to be trusted.
So no, it isn’t shallow if you want them to be a certain height. It isn’t shallow if you primarily or exclusively find yourself being attracted to a certain hair color. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you only really want a partner with a big/small nose… thin/bushy eyebrows… strong/delicate shoulders.
Your body responds to what it responds to for a reason. You can trust it.
2. You’re allowed to want them to have their financial life in order
After physical attraction, the thing that people tend to judge the most in themselves (when it comes to their own desires) is wanting a partner who is financially well-established.
For most of the people who are reading these words, it is a fact of life that we live in a world that requires financial resources and literacy. Being well-resourced (and resourceful) makes so much of life that much smoother. Many of life’s low-level grumbles can be completely mitigated by having financial spaciousness in our lives.
So yes, you are allowed to want a partner who has money. Who is wise with their money. Who knows how to generate money, and is simultaneously generous with that money.
These are all things that are totally allowed.
Can you feel that in your body?
Is it something you are allowed to want?
And not just something for those people, over there? Those gold diggers. Those opportunistic, shallow people.
No. You! You are a person who is allowed to want a partner who can afford their life and steward money well.
Life is (in many ways) easier with money. And relationships are often easier when both people know how to generate, steward, and hold money in their lives.
So yes, you are allowed to want them to be good with money, and have money. Breathe it in.
3. You’re allowed to want them to be kind to you
You’re allowed to want a partner who doesn’t insult, belittle, shame, discourage, or criticize you in an unloving way.
What counts as unloving? That’s entirely up to you to decide. Everyone has different levels of sensitivity as to what registers as loving versus unloving.
If you grew up in a household that was dominated with “teasing as love,” or you were bullied as a child or teenager, you might have a lower tolerance or desire for words that could register as unkind compared to others.
Whatever your threshold is, it’s allowed.
You’re allowed to want a partner who is loving, encouraging, complimentary, appreciative, and who talks you up (to your face, and to others).
Indeed it is true – you are allowed to want your partner to be kind to you.
4. You’re allowed to want to enjoy having sex with them
My mentor Phil T. Mistlberger used to say that the two major pillars of a romantic relationship are friendship compatibility, and sexual compatibility.
If you have sexual compatibility but no friendship compatibility, you have a hot relationship where you like spending Friday night together but you don’t like spending Sunday morning together.
If you have friendship compatibility but no sexual compatibility, you have a friendship.
The ideal relationships (that have the best long-term potential) have strong aspects of both. As the saying goes, “Love is friendship on fire.”
So if you find yourself being repulsed at the idea of having sex with someone who you have great conversation with, that would be something to look at.
You are absolutely allowed to want to love the sex you have with your partner. Your sex life should be an appreciating asset that deepens and strengthens with time.
(Side note: if you have been in a consistent pattern of either attracting a partner that you have great friendship compatibility or sexual compatibility but never both in the same person, this is something I’ve helped countless clients through. I’d love to support you in shifting this pattern via 1-on-1 coaching).
5. You’re allowed to want to feel supported by them
When it comes to your hobbies, your vision for your life, the unique ways that you move through the world – you are allowed to want a partner who supports you exactly as you are.
My grandmother often told me about how she would sometimes get an urge to paint, and she would sprawl out in the middle of the house and spend an afternoon painting. With four young children running around and my grandmother engrossed in her painting project, the house would quickly become a mess. When her husband (my grandfather) came home after a day’s work, she said that he never once said anything negative about the state of the house. He would simply walk over, take in her partially-done painting, and revel in her artistic joy. You can extrapolate this example across any area of your life.
You are allowed to want a partner who enjoys you, exactly the way you are as a person.
6. You’re allowed to want to love talking to them
Have you ever had a partner or lover who you didn’t like talking to? Maybe you found them attractive, but the conversation was dull, flat, lifeless? If you haven’t, I can assure you, it is a unique form of hell to endure.
As I alluded to before, long-term relationships/marriages are not all Friday nights. In fact, they are far more Sunday mornings than Friday nights. Over the course of a multi-year or even multi-decade relationship, there will be ample everyday drudgery to get through. Getting through that common drudgery is far more fun with a partner that you love spending time with, and speaking to.
Perhaps you’ve heard of the “traffic test.”
If you haven’t, I’ll walk you through it.
Imagine you and your partner are driving somewhere together when you hit a big patch of traffic. Your drive will now be delayed. In this moment, how do you feel?
Is there an overwhelming sense of, “Oh no… now I’m going to have to sit in silence with this person for more time!?” Or is there a sense of, “Hooray! More time to talk and laugh and exist with my person.”
Life contains lots of traffic-type moments.
Make sure you pick someone you enjoy talking to in order to pass the time.
7. You’re allowed to want them to be on a similar growth path as you
Last but certainly not least, this is another common one that I hear from a lot of my clients, men and women alike.
You are allowed to want your significant other to be on a growth path that mirrors the pace, quality, and tone of yours.
Over the years, I’ve witnessed a lot of horror stories.
People who got together where one person’s growth rate was an annualized 10x, whereas the other person’s was a slow and steady 1x.
And, even worse, I’ve seen couples where one partner’s personal growth rate 10x, and the other person’s was 2x.
Why would that be worse? Because the fast growth partner often feels shrouded in guilt because they can see that, yes, their partner is making changes and is growing at all… but the discrepancy of their growth rate is so drastic that one person runs laps around the other while the other limps along.
Ultimately, if one of you is a speedboat and the other is an anchor dragging along the ocean floor, it won’t be long before both parties resent each other’s growth trajectory.
So, if you have ever felt a lack of approval for your desire to want a partner who grows at the same rate as you, just picture it vanishing to the wind.
You’re allowed to want a partner who is as committed to their personal growth as you.
You’re allowed to want a partner who loves TED talks… and goes to their own coach or therapist… and is constantly telling you about the exciting new things that they’re learning in the books that they seek out.
If you settle for someone who is more than happy to maintain the status quo while you’re speed-running through your personal blocks, it might not have long-term legs. Sure, there’s something to be said for having a partner who complements and grounds you, but this idea can be taken too far and ultimately limit you integrating your potential.
If you’re a growth-oriented person who cares about doing, feeling, and becoming more, you are allowed to want that same set of desires to be in your partner’s values system.
You’re Allowed To Want What You Want
If you’re reading these words, there is a very high probability that you are a dynamic, intentional, thoughtful, kind, and loving person.
When you bring a lot to the table, it is entirely reasonable to want a lot in a partner.
Seeing as how it will be the single most impactful decision you make in your entire life – there’s no room for false humility when it comes to partner selection.
I hope that my overarching message is felt. I hope that you move forward powerfully and claim all it is that you want in a significant other.
You deserve a partner who is everything you are and more. The world craves you in your fullest expression. And that comes from you not settling in who you team up with in life.
Got it?
Good.
Now go out there, and give ’em hell.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will likely also love checking out the following:
– Apply for 1-on-1 coaching with me
– ‘Why Am I Still Single?’ 5 Reasons + What To Do About It
– 8 Reasons You Won’t Attract A Conscious Man (As You Currently Are)
