May 18, 2013

Why Self-Help Doesn't Work

Self help can suck.

Helping yourself is noble and can be effective to a point… but that’s one of its drawbacks: it’s limited.

No matter how many books you read on self-development (motivation, attraction, and so on), you can only grow so much by teaching yourself because 1) you don’t know where your blind spots are; 2) going out of your comfort zone is challenging; and 3) it’s difficult to objectively assess your own progress.

For those serious (and not too stubborn) about helping themselves, consider these benefits of outside help.

Three Benefits Of Asking For Help

Still hesitant to let others help you in your process?  Consider these benefits…

1. Learn About Your Blind Spots

Not happy with your job but don’t know what else you are passionate about?  Feel anxious when it comes to intimacy but not sure what the root of the feelings is?  Wish you had a better social life but don’t know how to go about it?

Blind spots are, by definition, blind.  You might be able to see the gap of logic in other people’s thinking, but I guarantee that you can’t see it in your own with the same accuracy.  You can laser beam through your roadblocks so much faster by talking with an objective friend.

Pro athletes have coaches.  Therapists see other therapists.  We all need help from others.  And being able to admit that to yourself is a mark of courage, not one of weakness.

2. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

It’s easy to stay in our comfort zones whether we are conscious of it or not.  Maybe you’ve been saying for years that you’re going to do something (get into a relationship, record an album, travel somewhere exotic), yet it hasn’t materialized in the real world.

Even if you do have awareness of your blind spots, it’s common to ignore them and let them slide.  Having an objective friend, partner, or coach help you with accountability is an important step in the road to becoming your best self.

3. Get Honest Feedback

Ralph Waldo Emerson once stated that an ideal friend is a “beautiful enemy”.  Someone that pushes you through your blockages when you don’t even know that you need to be pushed.  Someone that helps you grow as a person.

If your friends are quick to praise any and all things that you do without ever handing over a healthy dose of criticism, then you might be hanging out with the wrong friends.  You want people to push you, not be exclusively impressed by you.

Take Action Now

In all that you do… aim for self-awareness, not “self-help”.

You begin a completely new life when you go from thinking “I don’t really like my life right now”, to “I am going to change my life right now”.

This is your life and you are shaping it every single day.

Are you proud of the person you’re becoming?

If you want to become aware of your blind spots, supercharge your life, or want some advice as you transition a particularly tough section of your life, let’s chat.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
“What If They’re The Best I’ll Ever Do?”
Apr 2, 2016
Jordan Gray
“What If They’re The Best I’ll Ever Do?”
Tears streaming down her face, my client looked at me and asked “What if he’s the best I ever do? What if that was my one shot at true love and everything is ruined for me now?” I felt and understood her pain. It was an empathy that I had felt only a few hours before with another client. Strangely enough,...
Continue Reading
How To Apologize Like A Man
Mar 26, 2013
Jordan Gray
How To Apologize Like A Man
How to Apologize Like A Man Most men have an issue with apologizing.  More specifically, most men have a problem with showing anything that could be perceived as weakness. We have internalized from a young age that if we ever feel out of control, or unsure of ourselves, we should...
Continue Reading
The Warm Hands That Thawed My Heart In Paris
Nov 22, 2015
Jordan Gray
The Warm Hands That Thawed My Heart In Paris
In May 2013, after backpacking through Southeast Asia for three months with a friend, I travelled alone to Paris, France. It was my first time in Europe and I was terrified. I spent my first few days in town searching for appropriate clothes because, as it turns out, it is the ultimate faux pas if...
Continue Reading
4 Relationship Rules To Live By
Sep 9, 2014
Jordan Gray
4 Relationship Rules To Live By
After years of self-reflection, I truly feel like I’ve found the holy grail of relationship mindset. These four rules encapsulate so much of what I believe to be true in relationships (intimate or otherwise) that I wanted to refine them into their simplest possible form before I made them public. Well,...
Continue Reading
The Crazy Person's Guide To Self Development
Jul 10, 2013
Jordan Gray
The Crazy Person’s Guide To Self Development
There are a lot of dull men out there, and women know this. I would argue (based off of zero scientific research) that there are currently many more quality women than men on this planet.  We are a generation that is big on personality, but low on character. An unfortunate side effect of this is...
Continue Reading
You Are Going To Die (So Here's How To Actually Live)
Dec 22, 2017
Jordan Gray
You Are Going To Die (So Here’s How To Actually Live)
I had my first heart attack at the age of 25. I was walking down the street, my arms went numb, my head started spinning, and my heart was pounding faster than it ever had in my life. I walked up to an off-duty ambulance paramedic and said, “I think I’m having a heart attack. I’m definitely...
Continue Reading