I have been a full-time relationship coach for coming up on twenty years, and one of the most common patterns I work with my female clients on is helping them heal their relationship with men.
When they first come to me, they’ll sometimes admit things like:
“I hate men.”
“I sometimes feel like the world would be a better place without men.”
“I hate how much power men have over me. They just feel like this constant roadblock in my path.”
And inevitably, underneath all of these statements is pain. Hurt. Grief. Sadness.
Pain from never feeling fully chosen by a man.
Hurt from how they allowed men in their past to treat them.
Grief for how a relationship ended that they felt had the potential to go the distance.
Sadness for how their father wasn’t there, wasn’t present, or completely abandoned or cut contact with them earlier in their lives.
And so these initial beliefs make total sense as protective shields.
It’s far easier to wish something that hurts didn’t exist, versus having to do the hard work of actually facing and healing the underlying pain.
Whether you can relate to any of the above sentiments, or you feel like you’re further along on your path to healing with how you feel about men, today I want to give you some tools.
Below, I’m going to give you twelve simple, effective tools that you can implement easily in your daily life. By doing so, your heart will further heal with men, and you’ll experience positive growth as a result.
Without further ado, let’s get into it.
12 Steps For Women To Heal With Men
1. Keep a physical journal or a digital note in your phone called “Evidence of good men”, and add one thing to it daily from the things you perceive in your life
One reason that many women stay stuck in their pain with men is that they have an inner narrative that repeats all of the bad things about men, and then they go through life collecting evidence that supports that belief. Since all beliefs are ultimately about safety, this approach makes sense.
To counteract the negative thought loop, maintain a daily practice of collecting and capturing evidence of good men. These could be men that you read about, see in real life, or observe via media.
Notice it, write it down, and let the list grow. Eventually, the part of your mind that scans your environment will eventually crowd out the old stories with new evidence. Over time, this will inevitably shift your beliefs about (and perception of) men for the better.
2. Observe fathers being lovingly present with their children in public, and thank them internally or acknowledge them verbally for doing so
While going about your day, take note of dads who are loving, present, breaking generational patterns, and doing their best for their children.
These could be men you see on social media, at the dog park, at the grocery store, or anywhere else in your life.
Notice these men being attuned to their kids. Notice them being playful, present, or physically engaging with them.
Will every father you observe out in the wild be a flawless parent with total presence and unlimited patience? Of course not. Just like there are no perfect mothers (or perfect people), there are also no perfect fathers.
But the more you look for it, the more you’ll see it.
3. Express gratitude (internally or out loud) when you drive on roads, are under a roof, or are admiring the beauty of an old building
There are certain careers/fields where the key positions drastically skew towards being male dominated. Road workers, roofers, architects, and construction workers all fall under that category.
Does this mean that 100% of these professions are held by men? Nope.
But when you’re going about your day, it is a safe bet to assume that 70-95% of the people that worked in these jobs were men, and so the road/roof/building that you’re benefiting from was designed by men, built by men, or both.
So the next time you’re in a building, driving on a road, or admiring a piece of architecture, simply thank men for having created it for you so that you could benefit from the safety or beauty of it.
4. When you see a man over 40 working with a ring on his finger, internally thank him for providing for his family
Across the world, the majority of men are still the sole or primary earners for their households. So when you see a married man in public (the ring on his finger tends to be the cue) at work, thank him for providing for his family.
In most situations, you’ll want to do this internally. But if there’s a situation where you see a man being exceptional at his job and you want to give him direct, verbally expressed praise, you can absolutely do that too. A simple, “I see how hard you’re working/how great you are at your job, and I’m sure your family is grateful for your provision – have a great day”, would suffice.
5. Spend time with the healthiest couples you know, and praise them for their love and what it means to you
Do you know any exceptionally healthy straight couples?
Couples that make you feel warm and fuzzy because their love, trust, and admiration is so apparent?
If so, consciously spend more time with them, and let them know how grateful you are for their love, making sure to direct some of the acknowledgment towards the man.
It’s totally fine to say something like, “I am building evidence for all of the good men in my life, and you are one of them. I am grateful for your example, and how well you love (his partner’s name).”
6. Say thank you to men when you are using electricity, a cell phone, tablet, or a computer
Since you are reading these words using one or multiple of the aforementioned technologies, now is a good time to feel gratitude to men for inventing these modern luxuries that improve our existence in a number of ways.
Either one man or a series of men are credited with inventing electricity, phones, and computers, and they touch our daily life constantly.
Like any technology that exists (plumbing, medicine, ovens, etc.), there are pros and cons to the inventions. But it’s good practice to thank men for the invisible hands that shape our world for the better.
7. Internally picture and thank a man when you are eating food that was grown by a farmer
Maybe you don’t drive on roads three times a day, but I bet you do something else three times a day… eat food!
Again, not all farmers are men, but the significant majority still are across the world.
The next time you’re eating a meal that was partially or completely brought to your plate by a farmer (meat, vegetables, fruit, grains, dairy, etc.), take a moment to picture a male farmer with calloused hands and a strong back, and thank him for his sacrifice, service, and hard labor.
8. Make eye contact and say thank you when a man holds the door open for you
The next time (or every time) a man holds the door open for you, whether you know him or not, make eye contact and give him a sincere thank you.
Men are often used to being of service to women in small ways and feeling overlooked as a result. So taking the time to look him in the eye and express gratitude might make his day.
For a bonus tip, you can even have an internal mantra when this happens. You can say something to yourself along the lines of, “Men are always looking out for me”, “Men love helping me”, or “Men are always looking for ways to make my experience of life easier and better.”
9. Say a silent (or directly, verbally expressed) thank you to a man when you see him doing something kind for another woman
You don’t have to be the sole beneficiary of a man’s kind behavior for it to impact your perception of men. When you notice a man doing something nice for another woman, that also counts (so long as you notice it and let it in).
Maybe a man holds the door open for another woman. Or you see a male server giving phenomenal service to a table of women. Or you see a young man mowing a woman’s lawn while she sits on her porch.
Whatever it is, notice it, take note of it, and thank them (in your head, or out loud, depending on the circumstance).
10. Sincerely thank men who are supporting you in some way, even if it is a paid service
Similarly, when a man does something for you, even if it’s in a professional setting and/or he’s being paid by you, give him your sincere thanks.
A man holding an elevator door for you. Your morning coffee barista. The dry cleaner who does your clothes. The mechanic who did your car’s oil change. It all counts.
11. When you see a male trucker driving a truck somewhere, send him love from your heart and wish good things for his life
A disproportionate percentage of truck drivers are men. So the next time you see a male truck driver, regardless of whether he’s transporting logs, food, or other materials, send him love from your heart.
You can say things like, “Thank you for your service”, “Thank you for keeping us safe,” Thank you for providing for my family and for yours,” or, “Thank you for keeping our grocery store shelves stocked.” Whatever sentiment feels most true and relevant for you in the moment, say that.
12. When you see a man who looks tired, in pain, or burdened, take a moment to pray and wish good things for him
Finally, when you see a man who doesn’t look like he is having the best day, take a moment to pray for him.
Whether you believe in God or any higher power is besides the point. We are all able to wish good things for others.
If he looks sad, you can pray for him to feel a reprieve from his troubles. If he looks like he’s in pain, you can pray for levity for his heart. If he looks down on his luck, you can pray for good things to happen to him in the near future.
Few things heal the heart more than praying for others (especially when we’ve had resistance to those ‘others’ in the past).
When you start to see men as humans doing their best to be at their best and not some ‘othered’ enemy, the walls around your heart continue to dissolve. And the more evidence you build for seeking the best in men, the more you will see (and the more will be created in actuality).
You Did It!
I commend you for making it to the bottom of the list. I appreciate your time and attention and I sincerely hope you implement some of these in your daily life.
As the saying goes, you can’t date men if you hate men.
By taking action on the above tips, you will inevitably feel your heart soften. Towards men, and in general.
Living from a place of bitterness, resentment, protection, and pain is truly exhausting over the long-term. By reading this article in full, you’re already making steps to healing the inner wound.
If you want to take your healing a step further, I have two options for you.
First, I’d recommend checking out my online course Inside The Male Mind, that, to date, over 17,000 women from all around the world have gone through and loved. You can hear from a few hundred of them on this page.
Second, If you want some direct, personalized support, you can apply for 1-on-1 coaching with me on this page.
Whether we end up working together directly for years or this is the only time we cross paths, I am wishing you all the best on your journey.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this, you’ll also like checking out the following resources:
– How To Fully Release Difficult Emotions That Hold You Back
