When people ask about how to find the right partner, almost inevitably, they begin with the wrong questions in mind.
What are those wrong questions?
Two of them pop up more than any others.
The first and most common is, “How do I meet and attract a good man/woman?”
And the second is, “Where do all of the good men/women spend their time? Where do I find them?”
And while I can give some direct advice to each of these two questions (you do it by building a happy single life, and you go where your best self spends time)…
In either case, the fundamental logic is flawed.
Because the way to go about finding an aligned, nourishing, healthy intimate relationship doesn’t begin with a how, or a where.
It begins with a WHO.
Who do I have to become in order to attract a healthy, nourishing, aligned intimate relationship?
This is the most important work in any area of our lives (and of course, also the most often ignored).
The world isn’t so backwards to just go about handing incredible results to undeserving people.
And this extrapolates out into any area of life.
‘How do I make more money’ turns into ‘How can I add more value to the marketplace and deserve more money in return?’
‘How can I lose weight quickly’ turns into ‘What do I have to shift in my identity so that I see myself as an athlete?’
And ‘how do I just find someone who loves me’ turns into ‘Who do I have to become so that calling in an abundance of healthy, emotionally available romantic partners becomes inevitable?’
And listen, I get it.
Staying on the surface is easier (at least in the short-term).
It allows us to leave our egos in tact, and to not look at the difficult stuff that’s lurking under the hood.
It’s easier to blame ‘the men in my city’ than it is to acknowledge that you haven’t healed from a painful relationship ten years ago.
It’s easier to point a finger at your generation than it is to admit that you fundamentally don’t trust yourself to not get into an emotionally abusive relationship because you lost yourself in a past partnership.
But when we allow ourselves to dig in, and really see and own what there is to see and own… magic happens.
I have known countless men and women who, once they got uncomfortably honest with themselves, saw how they were standing in the way of their own progress.
As we acknowledge the blocks that stand in our way, and then do the actual work of healing, releasing, and working through them, everything changes.
The next time you feel like chewing on the ‘how’ of something…
Let me humbly submit to you that a ‘who’ question could serve you more.
Who do I need to become… in order to be worthy of a deeply aligned intimate relationship?
What parts of me are still in the way? What have I not let go of? What old hurts, resentments, and fears am I still gripping to… that are no longer serving me?
Start there, and you’ll get to your dream outcome faster than by chewing on the superficial ‘how’ of it all.
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