Apr 18, 2013

How Fast Should You Let Yourself Love?

How Fast Should You Let Yourself Love?

When you first start dating someone that you feel a mutual connection with, it can be downright terrifying. You don’t want to mess up a good thing.

One of the biggest questions my clients have is how fast a new relationship should develop. In other words, how fast they should let themselves love.

As with any relationship question, the answer always is: it depends.

I have come up with a few pointers to help you in navigating your personal process. As always, for personalized guidance feel free to contact me.

1. Resist Seeing Each Other Daily Right Away

Believe me, I know it’s an addictive feeling.  Your brain is getting surges of happy chemicals and you want to try to spend every waking moment with your new partner.  But don’t do it!

There can be too much of a good thing.  And if you prioritize your new partner to the exclusion of your life, friends, and self, then you and the relationship will suffer.

2. Designate A Default Text Friend

You will feel the urge to call or text your new squeeze.  And often.

Make a pact with one of your closest friends that you will text them instead when that urge comes up.  Having that go-to means of rapid communication, especially in the first couple of weeks when the itch is the most intense, will take a lot of stress off of your plate.

Don’t cut off communication from your increasingly significant other entirely… but do you really need to text them twelve times a day when you’re apart?  Probably not.

Revel in the gift of missing someone.  Embrace it.

3. Don’t Have Sex Right Away

I feel like a grandparent just writing those words, but it’s true.

We live in a world of instant gratification.  We have been conditioned to expect to be able to get something as soon as possible with very little hassle.  So it makes sense that we would want to hop in to bed with our new partner on the first date.

Unfortunately, we don’t value what is easily handed to us.

By waiting until at least the 3rd or 5th date, you are both allowed the space to get to know each other and connect on a deeper level, before you connect sexually.

4. Don’t Work Your Schedule Around Them

If they call you up last minute and ask you to hang out when you already have other plans, it’s fine to say no.

Don’t lie and pretend like you’re busy when you’re not… but realize that it’s important to keep up commitments with friends and not to re-work your schedule around your new cuddle-buddy.

5. Keep Your Life Up

It’s easy to get tunnel vision when seeing someone new.  Make a conscious effort to maintain your hobbies, exercise habits, and friends outside of your relationship.

To be able to fully show up in your new relationship, you want to keep being the person that your new partner was originally attracted to.

While it’s true that you want to maintain self-respect and not put your entire life on hold for a new partner, a lot of the time, people in Western culture play it way too safe in the beginning of a relationship…

All That Being Said… Don’t Go Too Slow

If you’re usually a slow mover and your new suitors often say things like “I can’t even tell if you like me or not”, then you might be moving a bit too slowly and coming off aloof.

You can either hold back emotionally and potentially miss out on a great relationship… or you can commit to the process and show up in your relationship.

Make a conscious effort to make your desires known.  You don’t have to hide yourself to get someone to like you.  In fact, showing up with integrity and being yourself really is the best strategy.  No games necessary.

The bottom line is that however you ease into your relationships, make sure you are always honest with yourself and your intentions. Whether you feel like you commit too slowly or too quickly, this will be something of a balancing act when you are first becoming aware of your commitment style.

As always, be patient with yourself, be proud…

And love fully.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

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