Before meeting my wife, I spent years getting in my own way.
I made a handful of mistakes that likely cost me years of connection, intimacy, and peace of mind.
I remember sitting across from a friend one night, telling him that maybe I just wasn’t cut out for lasting love.
I was frustrated, tired of dating, and convinced that something must be wrong with me. But the truth was actually much simpler, and harder to admit.
The problem wasn’t love. The problem was me.
I was sabotaging myself with blind spots I couldn’t see at the time. Five, in particular, kept me spinning in circles for years.
Today, I want to share five of those mistakes with you, so that you don’t have to repeat them.
5 Dating Mistakes I Made Before Finding My Wife
1. Having negative beliefs about myself that were mirrored in the partners I attracted
For years, I carried around the quiet belief that I was, in one way or another, “too much.” Mainly, too sensitive, or too emotional.
And because I secretly believed that about myself, I ended up attracting partners who (surprise surprise!) believed the same thing. Women who rolled their eyes when I shared something vulnerable. Women who told me I needed to “man up” or stop being so soft. Who told me that my sweetness was suffocating. In other words, women who reinforced the exact story I was already telling myself.
It was painful at the time, but in retrospect, it made perfect sense. When we’re at war with the essence of who we are, we tend to tolerate relationships that confirm our self-criticisms.
Everything shifted for me when I began to experiment with a different story.
‘What if my sensitivity isn’t a weakness, but a gift? What if my emotions aren’t a burden, but are actually one of the most lovable parts about me?’
And it’s vital to note that I didn’t have to get to 100% belief in these new thoughts before it was reflected in my external dating results. It’s more accurate to say that as soon as I allowed myself to put a 1% sliver of doubt in the old story, that’s when it began to shift externally.
The more I accepted these parts of myself as valuable, the more I began to attract women who celebrated them too. Instead of dismissing my sensitivity, they saw it as one of my greatest strengths. Instead of being “too much,” I was enough, exactly as I was.
Ultimately, the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for the relationships you’ll allow into your life. When you stop treating parts of yourself like a problem, you’ll stop attracting people who treat you like one.
2. Dating people for their potential and not for the reality of who they were
For several years, I had a bad habit of dating people for their potential instead of who they actually were.
On paper (or at least in my head) they were amazing. I could see all the ways they could grow, could heal, could step into their power. Or I would keep my internal magnifying glass focused on the couple of things that were their genuine strengths, and then extrapolate those strengths to other areas where they didn’t exist.
But the reality? They were often a mess. They couldn’t regulate their emotions, couldn’t keep their finances straight, and couldn’t take real responsibility for themselves, let alone for a relationship.
Here’s the thing I eventually had to face… I stayed in those relationships because it was easier for me. I got to stay stuck longer, by not facing the core lesson that was being shoved in my face every day.
If my partners didn’t have the bandwidth to show up for me, then I never had to face the uncomfortable reality that I wasn’t good at receiving. By choosing people who had no real bandwidth to give to me, I could hide from the work of letting my needs matter and making them a priority.
So I made excuses. I convinced myself they were “on the cusp” of change. I told myself I was being patient, supportive, loving. In reality, I was just avoiding my own growth. Womp-womp. No fun.
The shift came when I finally realized that being in a healthy relationship requires more than just giving… it requires receiving too. And receiving requires courage. It means letting someone see your needs and actually allowing them to meet them for you.
When I stopped dating potential and started dating reality, everything changed.
I attracted a woman (my now wife) who was already grounded, emotionally available, and capable of meeting me as an equal. And for the first time, I had to stretch into letting love in… not just pouring it out.
3. Staying in misaligned relationships too long
Another trap I fell into was lingering in relationships I already knew weren’t right for me.
Deep down, I could feel the truth that there was no long-term potential. We weren’t aligned in values, vision, or emotional availability. But instead of ending things, I stayed.
Why? Because the comfort of what I knew felt safer than the unknown of what I didn’t know.
It was easier to share a bed with someone familiar than to face the awkwardness and vulnerability of being single again. Easier to make excuses as to why we were enough of a fit than to put myself back out there and risk rejection. Easier to tell myself “maybe it’ll get better” than to admit the truth I already knew in my gut.
The cost? Years of my life spent treading water in relationships that never had a chance of actually going anywhere.
Eventually, I had to get honest with myself. Every month I stayed in a misaligned relationship, I was choosing short-term comfort over long-term fulfillment.
Breaking that pattern required courage. Courage to leave. Courage to step back into the world of availability. Courage to trust that something better existed, and that I was worthy of it.
4. Seeing everything as a growth opportunity when the lesson was to just stop tolerating poor behavior
For years, I had a blind spot, largely due to my participation in some wonky-ass spiritual communities. I thought that everything was a growth opportunity to take personal responsibility with.
If a partner was passive-aggressive, withdrawn, or downright mean to me, I’d immediately go inward and ask: “What’s my role in this? What do I need to fix in myself so this dynamic improves?”
On the surface, that might sound noble. Many people do need to take more responsibility in their lives. But in reality, I was often just tolerating poor behavior that I never should have allowed.
It’s kind of like carrying a couch with someone. At first, both of you are shouldering the load. Then, halfway across the room, they set their side down. And instead of asking, “Why am I the only one carrying this thing now?” I’d say to myself, “What is it about me that made them put their side down?”
Sometimes it was even worse, because not only did they drop their side, but they’d tickle my armpits (metaphorically speaking) while I strained to hold up the full weight alone. And somehow, I thought that was my fault too.
The truth is, not every relationship is worth salvaging. Sometimes the lesson isn’t to “grow” by endlessly working on yourself. Sometimes the lesson is to stop tolerating disrespect, stop over-functioning, and put… the couch… down.
The relationships that thrive aren’t the ones where one person endlessly compensates for the other’s lack. They’re the ones where both people show up, willing to carry the weight together.
5. Nearly sabotaging it when I found it
When I did eventually meet my wife in person for the first time, it felt magical. Pre-destined. Guided by God.
Our early weeks together just felt so held. Like we couldn’t mess it up because it just so clearly was. It was meant to be, and it was unfolding whether we wanted it to or not.
And… there was one point early on (at the end of our first month of dating, when Demetra was about to fly back to LA to sell all of her stuff and then fly back and live with me full-time in Canada), when I suggested that perhaps we listen to our therapist’s advice and get separate apartments to begin with. Really, I had let someone else’s fears/cautioning words get into my head, and I was deviating from what actually felt true (which was that of course we should be living together from the start).
It was a major threshold. Like life was asking us both, “Do you actually have the courage to surrender all of what you think you know to be true, and to follow what is actually true? To follow your hearts even when it doesn’t make sense?”
Within a few hours, the waves of that particular storm had passed, I realized I was being ridiculous and of course I wanted to live with her from the get-go, and away we went.
But it’s important to notice the underlying theme of what happened at this junction.
For years I had wanted to meet a real, emotionally available, loving, courageous partner who could really meet me. Then one day, I did. And I almost threw up the guardrails and acted from my lower self in the vibe of (cue sniveling little loser voice), “Mmmmm… shouldn’t we be realistic about this? Shouldn’t we be safe and mindful and take things one step at a time?”
But guess what?
Love isn’t for cowards.
Love wants to stand toe to toe with you, look deep into your eyes, and ask, “Do you have what it takes? Do you want this, or do you just want to say that you want it?”
Some people get off the ride at this point in time.
They have a story about ‘the one that got away’ that they will literally rehash and hang their entire identity on for decades.
And the others? They leap.
They say, “Yes, this is a fit and this is what I want and I will do whatever it takes starting right this very second.”
And because they show that level of willingness, life matches their commitment and rewards them with the most beautiful adventure available to all of us.
Thank goodness for that. Because, truly? There’s nothing more beautiful.
My marriage is the single greatest gift in my entire life, and it’s worth every second of every lesson that I had to go through to get to this place.
And I want that kind of love for you.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. Did you enjoy this article? Then you’ll also love checking out the following pieces:
– How To Meet Your Husband In 30 Days
– Everyone Asks The Wrong Questions When It Comes To Finding The Right Partner
– How My Married Sex Life Has Been (Compared To What I Expected)
– I Used To Think That Men Who Got Married Were Idiots
– 8 Reasons You Won’t Attract A Conscious Man (As You Currently Are)
