Despite millions of people using dating apps, nearly 80% of users report feeling burnt out, frustrated, and no closer to finding a meaningful connection.
While dating apps claim to bring people together, some research suggests they often do the opposite – leading to higher rates of anxiety, lower self-esteem, and an overall distorted view of relationships.
Also, I will name the bias of this article up front.
This article is not intended for everyone. It’s for the type of people who primarily gravitate towards my body of work. That is, people who are intentional, high-quality catches who are seeking an unusually healthy, aligned, nourishing intimate relationship.
I’m aware that many people find great relationships using dating apps. And I also know many people who despise online dating and online apps, and the average level of ‘lead-quality’ to be found. This piece is for those people.
9 Reasons To Never Use Dating Apps
1. Casting a wide net = Watered down options
Someone who has a lot going for them (as my clients do) wastes a lot of time going on dating apps, simply because the default person to be found on dating apps doesn’t tend to have their life together in the same way.
Can you find amazing people via dating apps? Of course. Just like you can find phenomenal, hidden gems at a flea market. But that doesn’t mean that spending 10 hours a week at flea markets is an effective use of your time.
While it’s true that hopping on the most socially convenient trend will expose you to a larger dating pool, is that what you’re really optimizing for – total volume?
Better to go for a quality over quantity approach that is about depth and alignment than superficiality and breadth of options.
2. It’s soul-sucking and awful
Anyone who has ever spent longer than two hours on any dating app knows that it isn’t fun.
Sure, maybe it’s exhilarating the first time you do it for a tiny bit. But it rapidly becomes dehumanizing. It has you see people as products. Not happy with this one? The next one is a swipe away.
3. Dating apps are anxiety producing
Ever put down your phone after a swipe-binge and feel like you just got spit out of a crappy time machine that makes it feel like you haven’t showered or brushed your teeth in a week? Sure, we all have.
Not only is the process of swiping on hundreds of potential partners draining (hello, decision fatigue), but it also has you view relationships in a more opportunistic and emotionally detached way.
Seeing someone IRL who you immediately feel drawn towards is a very different experience than thin-slicing someone’s edited profile pic and awkwardly chatting via text.
4. No ability to socially vet
When you engage with online dating or dating apps, there’s a drastically higher chance that you’re matching with people that you don’t have heavy social overlap with.
If you can’t check with your mutual friends if they’re psychologically stable/healthy/kind/not an ax murderer, you’re at greater risk for negative relationship outcomes.
5. No ability to punish bad behaviour
Similarly, with no social circle overlap, the people you’re interacting with have low social consequences for potential bad behavior. This is a big driver of why things like ‘ghosting’ are so commonplace.
If you have close mutual friends or general social overlap, your dates are disincentivized from behaving poorly.
6. Opting into hook-up culture
When you opt in to dating apps, you opt in to the default dating narrative. That includes the sticky tendrils of hook-up culture.
People aren’t products. They also aren’t just a collection of body parts.
The significant percentage of people you swipe on/interact with that are just looking for sex or something low-commitment are antithetical to your goals of a healthy, nourishing relationship.
Why search for the needle in the haystack when you can choose to avoid getting covered in hay in the first place?
7. Superficial behaviour leads to superficial results
Only 2% of people have an IQ over 130 or more.
Over 40% of Americans (the country with the highest Tinder usage) are obese.
The average amount of savings people have is under $10,000.
If you spend time where most people do, you’ll get the results that most people get.
If you’re a person of high caliber and deservedly high standards, it doesn’t stand to reason to seek partners where most people seek them.
8. Wasted time not being able to feel someone’s essence that you feel in person
It’s easy to hide online.
You can feel like you really connect with someone online, only to discover that they’re a raging narcissist in person.
Someone might have next-level phone-game with charm to spare, but be a dead fish face to face.
I even know someone who had a lovely hour-long phone date with someone they met online, only to have that person bust out illegal drugs on their first date and start doing them in front of them.
You can waste countless hours engaging with seemingly promising dates, only to have it fall apart in real life because it just isn’t there.
Does dating IRL exclusively bring perfectly aligned partners to you off the bat? Of course not. But dating through more organic, alternative methods tend to bring you a higher level of qualified, aligned people.
9. Higher alignment partners via real life methods
Yes, the following methods require more effort than merely downloading an app. And? The person you meet, marry, and spend your life with is the most consequential decision you’ll ever make. So it deserves your effort. This is not the thing to cut corners on.
If you’re serious about meeting someone you’re a highly aligned match with, I strongly recommend ditching dating apps, and leaning into the following:
– Building a happy single life that is holistically nourishing so that you beam your authentic joy everywhere you go (becoming a lighthouse for the people who resonate with who you are at your core)
– Informing your closest friends and/or family members that you’re open to being introduced to people that they could see you being a good fit for
– Engage in a ton of in-person, group-based hobbies
– Get out of the house more and go places you enjoy (for hobbies, going to the gym, to see friends in public, to go to the grocery store, etc.)
Simple? Yes. Easy? Not necessarily. Ultimately, it is worth it.
Looking For A Sign To Quit Dating Apps?
If you’ve been looking for an out to give up the apps without guilt, this is it.
You’re free.
If they feel exhausting and misaligned? Trust that.
From the thousands of people I’ve met (via my extended social circle and through my coaching clients), the happiest couples I know all met through some combination of work, social circle, or aligned hobbies.
Besides, you’ll be telling your ‘How we met’ story for years.
Every time someone asks how you met, do you really want to mutually pause, look at each other, and admit, “… Tinder.” Or would you rather have a romantic, IRL story you’re proud of?
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll also love checking out the following:
– 6 Ways To Meet Someone Without Online Dating
– ‘Why Am I Still Single?’ 5 Reasons + What To Do About It
– Everyone Asks The Wrong Questions When It Comes To Finding The Right Partner
– How To Know If You Are A Catch: A Quiz
– How To Meet Your Husband In 30 Days
