It may seem unusual, but it’s not uncommon for driven, motivated, and successful women to have struggles in the dating world. These women often feel that few men make the cut, or when they do, the guy loses interest without much of a clear reason why.
This leaves women feeling frustrated and pessimistic, like there are no strong, purpose-driven fish left in the sea that can handle and appreciate them for all that they are.
If you consistently hear things from the men you’re intimate with like:
“Wow, you’re really accomplished…”
“I find you kind of intimidating…”
or, “I don’t feel like I have any room to be the man in the relationship…”
Then this message is for you.
Why Successful Women Are The Way That They Are
In order to get where you are today and develop success in business, you have had to cultivate a large amount of what is generally referred to as “masculine” energy.
We are flexing our masculine side when we are being directional, action-oriented, assertive, logical, analytical, or a ruthless negotiator.
We are using our feminine side when we are being open, yielding, receptive, flowing, soft, nurturing, warm, and abstract.
The simplest, most straight-forward embodiments of these energies are the erect penis and the vagina. One is hard, blunt, and penetrating, while the other is soft, open and receptive.
Another way to put this is that masculine energy is about doing, while feminine energy is more about being.
Regardless of your physical gender, it is a polarity of masculine and feminine energy that sparks and maintains the arc of romantic attraction between two people.
Imagine two magnets, but instead of calling the poles “positive” and “negative” we’ll call them “masculine” and “feminine”.
If your magnet has a strong masculine charge and a weak feminine charge, what happens?
You will tend to attract other magnets (men) with the opposite dynamic.
To play in the sandbox of the corporate and entrepreneurial world, which was once dominated by men, fostering this masculine edge is a necessary adaptation to be effective, earn respect, and push through the challenges of being a woman in that world.
There’s nothing wrong with this adaptation. But it can become problematic for your love life if there is too much of an imbalance.
Why Successful Women Struggle To Find Aligned Partners
If you reside mostly in the masculine, you might find that you run into a few issues:
– You attract guys with more feminine energy, who are seeking approval and validation from an authoritative mother figure
– You attract guys who are drawn to your drive, beauty, strength and ambition, but they don’t stick around because they’re missing the sense of a certain je ne sais quoi about you
– You perceive men you date to lack a level of personal strength and leadership that you crave in a partner
Like other women who have experience with these issues, you might have tried one of two things.
One: Attempt to hide your true self and your opinions, diminish your accomplishments and desires, with-hold your truth and ultimately present what you think it is that men want.
Two: Harden yourself after multiple failed relationships, furthering the belief that “there are no real men in the world today.”
But wearing a mask doesn’t work. One of the last things you should ever do to earn someone’s attention is try to be someone or something you are not.
If you truly believe that you are too much for men, you will continue to attract guys who are intimidated by you or don’t measure up and confirm that deep seated belief.
Thus, the story repeats itself time and time again.
And guess what? This is how it works for everyone. We all attract people into our lives who confirm our own internal beliefs about ourselves.
Why Most Men Should Be Scared Off By You
The truth is that your big, bad, bold self *will* scare some men off. Which is GREAT!
Instead of that bothering you, you should be waving a grateful goodbye to those people that don’t have self-esteem high enough to be with a woman who refuses to play small and isn’t afraid to live her wildest dreams.
Yes, being this kind of a woman *will* shrink the pool of men who are viable suitors for you. But that’s actually a good thing.
Simply because of who you are in the world, there is a high-level, uncompromising filter on who is/is not compatible with you. This means you’ll be THAT much more certain, authentically invested, aligned and excited when the right match comes along. It just might take a little longer for you to find than most.
If you have a well developed masculine side, you don’t need to turn the knob down to a 2 out of 10.
If you’re looking for a man who has a stronger masculine edge than yourself, try turning up the volume on your feminine energy. Cultivate your softer, more receptive sides, and meet someone who has genuine strength that you can fully trust, in order to deeply surrender like you yearn to.
It is the nature of a woman to test the foundation and integrity of a man so that she can feel safe and secure with him. But if you hold a lot of masculine energy as a woman, that means the guy will have to have that much more in order to sustain attraction, withstand the intensity of your challenges, and keep you interested.
I’ve been around my fair share of women with a strong masculine side. There’s a consistent, underlying invitation in their communication to be dominated, tamed, and overtaken. And while, initially, it is an appealing challenge that I will happily step up to, eventually, if the woman isn’t cultivating her own sense of trust and softness, it quickly feels like too much work. It’s the same in how we can help someone to step into their power, or be more assertive, or to have higher levels of self-esteem… but eventually, the work needs to be done by the person who is actually doing the growing.
While there are men out there that genuinely enjoy being submissive to dominant women (all the power to them!), the majority of guys instinctively want to be the primary source of masculine energy in their relationships.
The majority of hetero women also want exactly that: the guy to take the lead and feel like they can trust and respect him enough to do so.
But if you haven’t practiced relaxing into your feminine, you’re making it harder for both of you than it needs to be. Plus, you’re not broadcasting the qualities that create the polarity of attraction with these more masculine men and cause you to show up on their radar screen (and by the way, there are tons of them out there looking for a driven, badass woman with focus and ambition).
So, what can you do to authentically amplify your feminine side and adjust your relationship approach?
1. Check your standards and expectations
Are you too uncompromising and rigid when it comes to your vision for a partner? Some high-functioning women put a lot of additional constraints on what a man has to have, do, earn, or look like in order to be a match, rather than how he treats her and makes her feel.
Action: Make an “ideal man” list with at least 10 things your ideal partner would bring to the table. Making a living and not co-habitating with his mother is fine, but the vast majority should have nothing to do with external accessories and everything to do with his mindset and emotional intelligence.
2. Check your motives
What is driving your desire for a relationship? Is it based in a feeling of anxiety, lack, or a desire to check off a box in the game of life, just because you think a woman in her 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s should be married?
This underlying stress telegraphs easier than you might think. Guys might not consciously know it, but they can sense a vague pressure around the situation and it pushes them away.
But a healthy detachment from the outcome and an air of presence, freedom and playfulness is insanely attractive. You can only fake this for so long. It’s something that we each have to work deeply in ourselves to develop.
The best partner will show up when you’re feeling excited about your own life as it is. A mate should be a bonus addition to an already great scenario.
Action: Keep that pen moving and write about why you’re after a relationship and any pressure you might feel around the issue. Do you feel any anxiety about it? Like the clock is ticking, or you sense a scarcity of opportunities? Create positive affirmations to counter these and put them on your bathroom mirror, or somewhere private, but visible.
1. Develop a pre-date gear shift ritual
One of my business-savvy female friends actively shifts gears before her dates from work mode to play mode.
She lets her hair down and dances around her apartment, ditches the blazer and pants for a soft, flowing dress, cooks a sensual meal and goes outside for a walk.
Before doing this she found that she was often directing and hijacking the conversation, asking a lot of questions with a firmness to her voice and a furrowed brow, which guys didn’t respond well to. At the end of the day, neither of them were enjoying the process. She didn’t enjoy being the interrogator, and he didn’t enjoy being interrogated.
She realized that her tendencies of being direct, blunt and putting a lot of energy towards showcasing her intelligence was often coming off as being difficult, rigid and unnecessarily brash.
But after letting herself go in her pre-date ritual, instead of feeling linear, business oriented and strategic about her dates, she felt open, playful, warm and connected to herself. As a result, calls and texts for follow-up dates started to pour in.
Action: Make a list of at least three things you can do that make you feel relaxed, playful and feminine before a date. Feel free to borrow from the examples listed above. Make a point of doing these before your next date and see if you notice a difference.
2. Don’t coach, process, or analyze him
It is the nature of the masculine mind to fix – to diagnose issues and present solutions. The biggest mistake strong-minded women make is to openly psychoanalyze their date/partner, or responding to his weaker moments and difficult times by trying to coach him without invitation.
This is the exact opposite of what he wants from his woman. Rather than feeling supported and encouraged, he will feel emasculated, judged and repelled by you.
Men want from their lovers what they usually can’t get from co-workers and buddies: warmth, affection, thoughtfulness, and nurturance.
Since you will come to know each other’s minds so intimately, there is a time and place for feedback and advice. But on the whole, a relationship should be a well you go to draw strength from, not a place to get processed and challenged.
People will fulfill your perceptions and treatment of them. If you let go, hold them as able and trust that they can handle it, then you give them space to show up that way.
So, instead of pouncing on flaws and issues, tell him you love and trust him to solve problems and challenges as they arise. Although, if it becomes a broken record that he refuses to change, that’s another problem altogether. But give him the chance to surprise you. Sometimes we all just need a little time.
3. Move and flow
Feminine energy is all about flow, movement and dance. This is why the mats in yoga studios are dominated by women. It’s nurturing, restorative, and beneficial in many ways.
If you haven’t, try a yin yoga class. “Yin” and “Yang” are other easy ways to refer to the qualities of feminine and masculine. Yin yoga is all about softening, opening and relaxing. It’s a 1hr+ guided deep dive into your feminine side.
Try drop-in dance classes. If you’re really looking to jump into the deep end, there are introductory burlesque and pole dance studios in most major cities.
4. Practice receiving
Pamper yourself. Have someone else take care of you. Book a massage, pedicure, or let a friend make a meal for you.
To be nurturing, you have to allow yourself to be nurtured. Fill your cup first and then you can pour into others. So make time for just “being” rather than “doing” all the time. Call a spa right now and book some time to fill your cup.
5. Have more orgasms
This might be the simplest, highest leverage thing you can do to change how you feel and come across to men.
It’s proven that the more orgasms you have the less anxiety, stress, tension, and rigidity you’ll experience.
In general, women in our society have been sent the subliminal message that femininity equals weakness, or is a disadvantage, and they need to actively prove to the world and to men that they are strong and resilient equals.
Fuck that. You don’t need to prove a god damn thing. And the world needs your unabashed divine feminine radiance now more than ever before.
Get out there, chase the horizon and be your badass self in business. But don’t forget to slow down and celebrate the incredible, awesome power that only you have the capacity to wield as a feminine goddess.
That’s the kind of shit that topples empires.
As a bonus, your dating troubles will be a thing of the past.
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. If you enjoyed this piece, then you might want to hop on a call with me, or check out one of the following articles: