Societal assumptions about how men operate sexually are damaging the lives of men more than you might think.
I see clients on a weekly basis who think that because they sometimes don’t want to have sex with their partners, it makes them less manly. I mean, shouldn’t they be turned on and ready to have sex at a moment’s notice?
When we let society/TV/media tell us what is normal in our sex lives, we all lose.
Here are the three most damaging myths about the sex lives of men.
1. Men Want Sex All The Time
By far the most pervasive of the damaging myths, men have been painted with the overarching brushstrokes of being horny and sexually ready 24/7.
The negative ramifications of this belief are plentiful…
Men feel unmanly when they don’t initiate sex as often as their partner wants them to…
Women can feel like there’s something wrong with them if their partner can’t get it up (after all, if he’s so sex crazed, why isn’t he in the mood right now with me?)…
And both parties rush towards sex faster than they might both want to because they assume “Well, this is the thing to do since I’m/he’s apparently so sex crazed…”
In buying into this belief we keep people from recognizing individual sex drives and moment to moment awareness of their own bodies. We’re letting culture make the decisions for us.
I have had countless male clients who felt massive amounts of guilt because they either had to turn down their partner’s sexual advances when they weren’t in the mood, or had sex with them anyways when they really didn’t want to. And yes, while acquiescing to “duty sex” occasionally can turn into some unexpectedly good fun, ignoring your own libido and emotions can set a bad precedent and drain you of your self-esteem over time.
So guys, if you don’t feel like having sex, or you want to wait to sleep with someone for weeks or months into the relationship because you just don’t feel ready… that’s allowed.
You make your decisions and you know what you need in order to feel happy. Whether that’s sex all the time, some of the time, rarely, or never… the decision has always been yours.
2. Sex And Emotions Are Separate For Men
Many people believe that for guys, sex is just sex. I have been asked by a few of my closer female friends (who know that I work with men on their emotional and sexual issues) “Does sex really mean anything to a guy?”
The belief that ‘men are less emotional and thus feel less attached during sex’ is so far off base that it’s tough to know where to begin.
Since it’s a difficult thing to accurately study, there’s no hard proof that men are more emotionally detached during sex (or at any point in their lives) compared to women.
But one of the most surprising things that I learned in my early days of being a relationship coach for men was just how consistent the concept of “If I don’t have an emotional connection to the woman I’m having sex with, I’d just rather not be there.” And sure, maybe the men who are attracted to reading my articles have a slightly higher level of emotional intelligence compared to an average population sample… but over the past decade I haven’t worked with a single guy who legitimately felt like sex had no emotional attachment to it. They always wanted it to mean something.
I know men who get attached after sleeping with someone just once, men who cried after sex, when an unexpected rush of emotions hit them post-orgasm, and others who have turned down dozens of potential sexual partners because there wasn’t enough of a connection past the physical attraction.
Men might be less emotional in some ways or show their feelings differently, but for men (and all people) sex is most certainly an act best accompanied by a healthy emotional connection to your partner.
3. Sexual Addiction Isn’t A Real Thing
Many people believe that sexual addiction isn’t real… and if it were real, then every male on the planet would be afflicted with it (see point #1).
While being a relatively young illness (that technically isn’t an official disorder since it has not been added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM) it has been heavily scrutinized by society at large.
There have been many celebrity divorces in the past few years that mentioned sexual addiction as one of the reasons for the splits. And while media pundits laughed it off with “Right… you want too much sex and it’s a problem? Give me a break”, sexual addiction is a true disorder that affects the lives of many men (and women) worldwide.
Sexual addiction (like all addictions) tends to be a coping mechanism for someone that has a deep emotional wound they have yet to resolve. Whether the unconscious emotional wound is a feeling of shame or resentment from their childhood, an old ex-girlfriend that they have yet to get over, or an ever-increasing need for certainty (with sex workers) or variety (with pornography), sexual addiction affects the lives of many people. By keeping it out of the light and shaming its existence we only do the sufferers more harm by making them feel wrong for even thinking that there might be something wrong with them.
The Damage Of Sexual Shame
The range of human sexuality is astounding and beyond measure.
Some people have higher average set points of sex drives, and others have lower. Some people have more desire for power and control in their sexual relationships, while others crave a slower pace with more nurturing and candlelight. And many others prefer all of the above at different times throughout their sex lives. Nothing about sexuality can be put into a limiting box.
Alfred Kinsey once stated that, “The world should not be divided into sheeps and goats. Not all things are black nor all things white.”
By looking at the world through the lens of “men have high sex drives, and women have lower sex drives” is to buy into a perspective of a social construct that limits you, your sex life, and the growth of humanity at large.
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. Want to really kickstart your love life and connect with your inner beast? Check out Supercharge Your Sex Life.