Sep 23, 2018

4 Bullshit Myths About Men

You know the old story…

Men are sex obsessed, sports loving, money-providing, simple minded neanderthals… and women are talkative, career-tolerating, husband-seeking, baby-making machines.

Stereotypes are super useful… if you’re a hack stand-up comedian.

In the real world, stereotypes simply keep you from seeing the truth of the individuals in front of you.

In this article I aim to debunk (through statistical evidence, and anecdotal evidence, from my own life and from ten years of working with people 1-on-1), some of the most persistent myths about men, and what they want in love and life.

If some of these stand out to you, or even aggravate you more than others, let that show you something about your mind and about what your beliefs are about the world.

1. Men want a docile, acquiescent lamb of a partner

Myth: Men have tender egos that are easily threatened and thus need a romantic partner who is a spineless doormat who is fundamentally incapable of saying the word no.

It’s true… men who don’t have a grounded sense of their power will likely want a partner who is a bit of a pushover.

However, men who have done their inner work and have earned their way into being a mature man will not stand for such a partner. They want a partner… an equal… not someone to handhold and babysit.

If you have a left over belief that tells you that all men are looking for helpless, codependent sex-dolls as significant others, then I would implore you to let go of this old paradigm.

All of the most self-actuated men I have ever known all wanted an intelligent, loving, challenging, self-realized woman as a partner to run alongside them in life. Because, at the end of the day, what we attract in a partner is also who we are.

2. Men aren’t interested in doing transformational work

Myth: The self-development and relationship industries are geared towards women because men are entirely resistant and/or disinterested in doing deep inner work on themselves.

Another common myth that I have heard (exclusively from women, understandably) is that men aren’t interested in engaging inner growth work.

While I do believe that men may have more resistance to being a devout follower of a teacher/guru long-term than most women, the idea that men aren’t willing to look inwards and do their work is ridiculous.

I have met Tibetan monks who were in silent meditation for years and spent all of their waking hours in self-reflection. I have known dozens of men who travelled around the world to do years of work with Osho, Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Oprah, Abraham, Eckhart Tolle, and more. I have also personally been in a community of experience-oriented shadow work (led by my mentor P.T. Mistlberger) and a weekly men’s group for the last several years, and the community is filled with men who are hungry for truth.

So to all of the women who hide behind the idea that men aren’t interested in doing transformational growth work… no. Just no.

Whatever secondary payoff you get by hiding behind this belief (e.g. you get to remain in a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs), it’s time to let it go.

3. Men are all afraid of settling down

Myth: Men are afraid of commitment, long-term relationships, and nothing sends them into a state of panic faster than when their partner wants to have the ‘define the relationship’ talk.

In reality, many men are very relationship oriented and crave long-term monogamy just as much as any cat-loving, pajama-wearing female protagonist in a campy rom-com.

In fact, a recent study showed that women crave their independence and alone time more than men, when it comes to being in relationship.

In my experience, I have done coaching sessions with many men who weren’t ready for true partnership until they roughly hit the age of 30, but once they crossed that threshold, they couldn’t have been more gung-ho about hopping on to the marriage train.

4. Men have a more limited range of emotions

Myth: Men don’t feel much compared to women. A real man will only cry once or twice in his lifetime, and is generally an unfeeling, stoic badass whose face seldom abandons the neutral, cowboy-like position.

Aaaaaand of course… this old gem.

Stiff upper lip. Boys don’t cry. All that garbage.

Having and experiencing emotions is a reality for both men and women (aka human beings).

Sure, in many cultures men may have had certain emotions repressed more compared to their female counterparts, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t still have them.

Men tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to being ‘allowed’ to show tenderness, sadness, grief, and joy (aka their softness/vulnerability)… whereas women tend to get ripped off when it comes to showing their anger (aka their power).

In truth, men feel just as much as women do. And the more that men are able to reclaim their emotions from the full range of the spectrum, the fewer suicides there will be, the fewer mass-shooters there will be, the less spousal abuse there will be, and the more dynamic, fulfilled, self-loving men there will be in the world.

Now, is there a seed of truth in some of these myths? Of course! Just like there is relative truth in everything.

The point of this article is to debunk black and white, this or that thinking and allow more room for nuance.

There are some men who want to spend the entirety of their lives having sex with thousands of women… and there are men who are overjoyed by the notion that they could marry their high school sweetheart and only have one sexual partner for their entire lives.

Let go of the polarized stereotypes and the arbitrary dichotomies of societally reinforced myths, and be present with the individuals in front of you.

Your worldview will become richer and more inspiring as a result.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will also love checking out:

What Amazing Sex Feels Like For Men (In Their Words)

5 Ways To Help Reduce The Male Suicide Rate

The 3 Most Damaging Myths About Dating

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
7 Books I Am Currently In Love With
May 1, 2017
Jordan Gray
7 Books I Am Currently In Love With
A long-time reader of mine sent me an email a couple of weeks ago and asked me what I was reading. I decided to send my answer to my entire email list and the response was overwhelmingly positive. So, on that note, here are seven books that I have been really digging lately. If the description of...
Continue Reading
I Want To Love You Like This, Every Day
Apr 1, 2016
Jordan Gray
I Want To Love You Like This, Every Day
This is a collection of words for any human being… regardless of whether you are currently in a relationship, or you are holding space in your life for an amazing, heart-burstingly fulfilling love to enter. - The story goes that love is supposed to fade over time. The honeymoon is apparently...
Continue Reading
11 Thoughtful Things I Do For My Wife
Mar 27, 2024
Jordan Gray
11 Thoughtful Things I Do For My Wife
When it comes to sustaining a thriving, healthy marriage, I believe that grand gestures are overrated. In a world of choreographed, flash-mob proposals and Pinterest-perfect breakfasts-in-bed, it's easy to get caught up in the grand gestures of love, but I think it's the little things that truly keep...
Continue Reading
An Open Love Letter To Women's Bodies
Jan 29, 2014
Jordan Gray
An Open Love Letter To Women’s Bodies
Losing my virginity took less than a minute. I was so mesmerized by the beauty, openness, and curves of my girlfriend that I felt overwhelmed. Every curve of her body begging to have my hands on them. Every patch of skin that I touched softer than the last. Her eyes staring into my soul with...
Continue Reading
New Relationship? Here Are 5 Ways To Overcome Your Anxiety
Mar 4, 2018
Jordan Gray
New Relationship? Here Are 5 Ways To Overcome Your Anxiety
One of the most common questions that I get on a weekly basis is... "I'm in a new relationship and I feel a low level state of anxiety basically 24/7. Am I normal!? Will this ever end? Should I listen to my anxiety and run, or hunker down and stick it out?" Many a new relationship...
Continue Reading
I Promise To Never Be Lazy In Loving You
Jan 22, 2017
Jordan Gray
I Promise To Never Be Lazy In Loving You
I promise to see into your soul on a daily basis. I promise to ask you how your day was, and give you all of the presence of attention at my disposal. I promise to always take good care of myself, and to lean on others for support. I promise to come to you for support when I need it. I promise to...
Continue Reading