Jul 22, 2014

How To Change Your Partner

One of the most common questions that I get asked by my clients is how they can encourage their partner to grow and develop as a person, while bringing up the subject from a loving place (as opposed to a challenging place that would make them think something was wrong with them).

Whether you want them to read more, get more exercise, or strive confidently towards their career aspirations… the process is the same.

The growth that comes from being in a relationship with someone is one of the greatest gifts that the relationship affords you. Just as heat and friction creates diamonds, when you spend enough time with your partner they affect you in positive ways and help you grow as a person. And you want to be able to give back that same level of value that they inspire in your life.

So how do you help your partner change and grow into who you know they are capable of becoming?

1. Seek First To Understand

Before you arbitrarily start trying to push them in a direction that you think is best for them, always, always, always talk to them about your concern. For all you know they could have already tried to make the change and hit an insurmountable roadblock.

Here are some common examples of things my clients have asked me about helping their partners grow and how they went about initially addressing the topic.

You want them to read/Self-educate more:

– It seems like we both used to read a lot more… do you ever miss it?

– I feel like we’ve been reading less these past few months/years. Do you have any interest in doing a monthly book trade with me?

– It’s been so long since we had a decent stack of new books lying around the house… want to come to the bookstore with me?

Work on their career/Follow their passions:

– I was thinking yesterday about how good you are at (their passion/career). Do you ever think about giving it another/a real shot?

– Remember how much you used to light up when you were doing (their passion/career)? Do you ever miss it?

Exercise/Get in better shape:

– It’s been a while since we went to the gym with any kind of consistency. Want to do a 30-day challenge with me?

– You mentioned recently that you’ve been feeling kind of low energy lately. Maybe we should go for walks more often to get some more fresh air in us.

– I’m always so much more productive and happy when I’m exercising consistently, but I’m terrible at going to the gym on my own. Want to help keep me accountable by coming with me every few days?

Start the conversation, get their opinion on the matter, and if it still seems like something that you believe will benefit their life then implement the following.

working with your partner, how to change your girlfriend

2. Praise And Appreciation Motivates Better Than Challenge

The old saying is true… you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

If you try and motivate your partner into changing their habits for the positive by challenging them and doing anything that could be misconstrued as making fun of their current situation, then they might dig in their heels.

And how do a lot of people tend to go about motivating change in their partners?

Him: Babe, you’ve been putting on some weight. You should go to the gym more often.

(Which she hears as, “You’re too fat. You’re currently unattractive and potentially unlovable. I need you to change otherwise I’m not happy with you or our relationship”)

A better way to go about this is to encourage and praise whatever sliver of the result you see in your partner (even if you don’t really see it just yet).


– Woah… have you been walking a lot lately? Your calves look amazing!

– Hey, you’re reading a new book. That’s awesome. What’s it about?

– I loved seeing you engaging in (your passion/career) yesterday. You seemed so happy. Your eyes were just beaming with joy. It was really inspiring to see.

3. Be The Change You Wish To See In Your Relationship

If you find your partner wanting to change in a certain way, you should make sure that you aren’t just trying to get them to change because you actually have a frustrated need for yourself to change in that way.

Whether you do or you don’t, a good way to motivate your partner into positive growth is by being the change you wish to see in your relationship by going first.

People learn largely by having behaviors modeled for them (aka they learn it when they see others doing it). Here are some ways in which you could go first and have them be inspired by your action.

You want them to read/Self-educate more:

– Buy and read more books

– Listen to self-help/philosophy/educational programs in the car or during your morning routine

– Bring up interesting things that you read in books recently that you think might benefit them

Work on their career/Follow their passions:

– Show them how happy your career/passion makes you

– Ask them for advice on your career/mission and implement their feedback so they feel like part of the process (if they aren’t already)

– Take up a new skill or learn something new that helps your business and makes you happier to make the steep curve of following your dream seem more accessible

Exercise/Get in better shape:

– Go to the gym more

– Let your good mood, heightened sex drive, and refreshed sense of accomplishment benefit your partner on days when you come home from the gym (i.e. by doing the dishes/yard work/more chores, or paying more attention to them sexually)

– Have the results of your newly toned body speak for themselves (but make sure that you don’t get lost in vanity and pay less attention to your partner)

high value women, how to change your girlfriend

How Do You Get Your Partner To Change?

As long as you want your partner to change in a way that genuinely helps them grow as a person, with patience and persistence your good intentions will help nudge them in a direction that benefits them long-term.

Besides, they do so much for you, why wouldn’t you pay it forward?

Dedicated to your success,


Ps. If you’re looking to change your partner in a way that shifts their core values (getting them to change beliefs/religions/opinions/lifestyle/hobbies) then it’s understandable that they would want to resist it. If you found your way to this article looking for a way to change your partner at their core, then you might want to consider not being in a relationship with your partner. Read this article to see if your relationship has potential, and, should you decide that this relationship isn’t worth pursuing, check out this article to get over your ex.



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