My wife and I thank each other too much.
Well, at least according to people on the internet.
We thank each other for doing the dishes… taking out the trash… emptying the dishwasher… exercising/working out… raising our son. It all gets acknowledged.
There’s no my task/your task… my turn/your turn… because we see ourselves as one unit.
In marriages where each person still fundamentally sees themselves primarily as an individual, it’s easy to get swept up into score-keeping (which inevitably leads to bitterness and resentment).
This mindset of “It’s your turn” is completely at odds with having a service-oriented approach.
Yes, there are things that each of us tends to do more of. My wife hasn’t taken out trash or pumped her own gas in many years. She tends to do more of the cooking because she’s better at it and enjoys the process more than I do. So there are certainly some strengths-based considerations in how we each serve one another.
But the verbalized gratitude is a constant.
To us, we’d rather have a marriage that is too grateful… too thanking oriented… than to have one that slowly drifts into taking each other for granted and feeling like our contributions are invisible.
It doesn’t matter that we’re married. It doesn’t matter that we’ve been together for the better part of a decade. We still acknowledge each other constantly.
So, if more gratitude is something you want to incorporate into your marriage, here are some ideas of places to start.
A Happy Marriage Is An Over-Thankful Marriage
1. Don’t be afraid to thank redundantly.
“I’ve already thanked them for that – they know that I appreciate it.”
If it crosses your mind, say it.
There are things that Demetra and I thank each other for repeatedly, often over the course of many years.
Thank you for moving countries for me. Thank you for giving birth to our beautiful boy. Thank you for working so hard for us. Thank you for those flowers last week. Thank you for my beautiful ring. Etc. etc.
Just because you named it once doesn’t mean it needs to be retired from acknowledgement.
It might feel silly at first. That’s fine. Push through the tension.
It’s always nice to be recognized for your efforts. Even if your efforts were weeks/months/years ago.
2. Thank them for things big and small.
You can thank your significant other for things of all sizes. In fact, it’s often good to intentionally incorporate things on both sides of the size spectrum.
Small things could look like: making coffee, emptying the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, making the bed, letting me sleep in, making dinner, getting groceries, keeping something stocked that you know that I use a lot.
And big things like: marrying me, making our home so warm, the ways you’ve helped me grow as a person, moving, the sacrifices you’ve made for our family, making these children with me/building this family with me, working to provide for us.
Anything and everything that is relevant to how you and your partner show up for each other in all manner of ways, name it all.
3. Thank specifically.
Instead of broad brush strokes like “Thanks for everything you do for us”, dive deeper than that by incorporating more specificity.
“Thank you for taking the baby this morning so I could sleep another hour. I was exhausted, and that made a huge difference in my whole day.”
“Thank you for working so hard to provide this life for us. Whenever I go to buy groceries/buy a gift for a friend/make XYZ purchase I never have to think about whether or not we can afford it and that’s all because of you and your hard work.”
“Thank you for these delicious meals. I feel so loved and cared for because of all of the variety and taste that I get to experience on a daily basis because of your cooking. Our whole family benefits from your culinary skills and love.”
The more specific, the better.
Thank, Thank, Thank Again
Again, most people in most relationships settle for a mindset of “They know how I feel / I already told them I appreciate that.”
But from today forward, you have full permission to swing the pendulum into being too much with your gratitude.
Appreciate, acknowledge, and thank for all things of all sizes all the time.
Try it out. It could bring a whole new level of depth, love, and connection to your union.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll also love checking out:
– 7 Relationship Tools For Married Entrepreneurs
– 121 Deep Questions To Ask Your Partner
– 5 Powerful Relationship Tools That Work Fast
