In a long-term relationship and your sex life has taken a nosedive? You’re not alone.
Nobody gets proper training in how to sustain connection and sexual desire in a long-term relationship or marriage, so why would we know how to keep the erotic home fires burning after the initial spark wears off?
The way that I see it…
Sex is a lot like money. There will always be people trying to hack the system and get rich quick (or get laid lazily). In reality, that rarely works. And if it does work, it doesn’t work for long. A house built on a foundation of sand will eventually fall.
So instead of trying to figure out the manipulative trick that gets your partner in the mood once or twice… how about fundamentally restructuring how you live your life so that you genuinely become a more deeply compelling and attractive person? You know, like putting in real work.
Again, it’s the same with money. Become a truly valuable person in a given market place who genuinely helps people, and you’ll be rewarded handsomely. Become a more attractive person by living a better life from a place of true desire and centredness, and your love life will thrive once more.
So if the sizzle has dwindled in your long-term relationship, there are things that you can do to fight back and reclaim the erotic tension and sexual fulfillment you and your partner used to enjoy.
Let’s get into it.
1. Do work that matters to you.
Yes, I’m talking about your career. Yes, this relates to the passion and frequency of your sex life.
If you work a job you hate and have no sense of deeper meaning or purpose in, you are effectively showing up in your life in a half-drunk stupor. And no one will be more aware of that fact than your significant other.
Why should they deeply respect you when you don’t respect yourself enough to actually go after something that matters to you? You do realize you’re going to die one day, right? So… are you currently living a life that you feel so deeply aligned with and proud of that the future version of you, lying on his deathbed, will be able to say to himself, “I left it all on the playing field. I didn’t hold back”? If not, then there’s work to do.
If you aren’t currently living your life from your highest values and ideals, then you either need to be a) on the path to discovering what those values are, or b) on a path towards living from those values.
Show up in your life without courage or self-respect, and you’ll get the amount of passion and aliveness in your love relationship that you deserve.
Show up in your life living from your deepest values and actively pursuing your purpose with courage, fire, and passion, and you’ll get the amount of passion and aliveness in your love relationship that you deserve.
It is exclusively up to you. You choose how you want to show up. Deploy courage and go for it, or phone it in and blame the world for your results.
2. Regularly move your body in a way that you enjoy.
A body that barely moves holds a lot of stuck, stagnant energy. And that stagnant energy will be mirrored in your love life.
One way to increase the amount of flow in your love life is to increase the flow of energy throughout your body.
This isn’t necessarily about going to the gym 3-5 days a week to get jacked so that you appear more attractive superficially (although if that appeals to you, then go for it). This is simply about finding a movement practice that you enjoy and regularly making it a habit.
That could look like going for an extended walk every day. Taking on an early morning yoga practice. Enrolling yourself in dance classes. Whatever gets your heart pumping and puts a smile on your face, do that.
3. Spend time with your guy friends.
One of the greatest thieves of erotic tension in an intimate relationship is spending far too much time together. When you’re always attached at the hip, then there’s no room for the flow of desire to move between you. If you and your partner tend to spend a lot of time together, day and night, then one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to get out of the house to spend time with your male friends more often.
For both men and women, spending time with exclusively friends of their gender is one of the most nourishing things they can do.
It allows you to drop into a state that you can’t quite access when spending time with your partner.
Whether you commit to some guy friends to play a specific sport together several times a week, or you meet up with a friend to have a weekly lunch together to catch up and shoot the breeze, it will pay dividends in the quality of presence that you will be able to bring to your partner as a result.
4. Join a weekly men’s group.
If you’re like me and you love structure and commitment, then you might want to consider joining (or starting) a weekly men’s group. The benefit of doing so isn’t just about spending regular time with men, but also knowing that, at a bare minimum, you will have your weekly connection time (with people outside of your intimate relationship) systemized and locked in.
If you’ve never joined a men’s group before, it could take some time to settle into. But once you get more comfortable with the idea, you’ll wonder how you ever managed without one.
You get to decide how raw and vulnerable you are with the men in your group. You can be as superficial or as deep as you wish. But you’ll always get more from diving in and showing your truest self (assuming that the group is set up in a way that can hold that).
Personally, I have been in a weekly men’s group for over five years and at this point, I can’t imagine my life without being in one. It is that much of a game changer. If you’ve never looked into such a thing before, I’d highly recommend it. Different men’s group organizations are popping up all over the world. Do your research, find a credible one, and dive in headfirst.
5. Have hobbies.
A man’s life that only contains time at work and time with his partner is like a sex life with only vaginal penetration and nothing else. It’s flat and lifeless. Your life can be much more dynamic than just exclusively obsessing over work and then dying.
Find (or reclaim) hobbies that bring you joy. A good place to start is doing a play inventory, where you think back to what kinds of things you did for fun between the ages of 6-16. In other words, what did you do for fun before you started working? Whatever you used to do simply for the sake of pleasure, do more of those things.
6. Have your own life.
See the common thread here?
Remember… every healthy relationship has three entities: ‘you, me, and the relationship.’
If you and your partner are always spending time together and there isn’t enough of a sense of where you end and they begin, this will suffocate sexual desire rapidly. The antidote? Get busy having a life again. Go reclaim your individual essence (and give them the space to do the same) and your love life will flourish as a natural byproduct.
7. When you are with her, give her your full presence.
Having taken the above steps and reclaimed your own sense of autonomy and joy, remember to bring her your full presence when you do spend time with her.
Again, one of the biggest mistakes many couples are making when they’re in a sexual slump is that they have too much day to day closeness. It isn’t a high quality closeness… but merely a lot of time around each other. Instead of swimming around in the grey, lifeless porridge of high quantity time together with no real presence or fire, you want to swing the pendulum towards polarity by first reclaiming your own individual sense of passion and aliveness, and then, secondarily, bringing that aliveness to your partner.
They say that relationships are like a garden. Well, the metaphorical sunlight and water that that garden needs to flourish need to be earned and acquired. And they are acquired by your actions outside of your time spent with your partner.
So there you have it.
This isn’t a long, laundry list of foreplay tips because, 99 times out of 100, couples who are in the stage of self-identifying as having a dead bedroom don’t need tips on how to come together more efficiently. In fact, they need the opposite. They need the tools to reclaim who they are as individuals, so that the flow of energy between their differentness can reignite their passion once more.
Dedicated to your success,
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