Ever worried about sabotaging a promising new relationship? It isn’t just you.
A client recently sent me the following email:
“I have been in a new relationship for a month now and I like him so much. The problem is that I have an obsession with manifesting him leaving. It sounds convoluted but it is like a “knowing” inside of me that I will be left. It’s not even a thought seemingly. So I am very anxious all the time and not even enjoying the relationship, the more I love him.”
So… imagine this.
You’ve just met someone new, and it feels different this time. In a good way.
The conversations are easy. The chemistry is real. You notice yourself smiling at your phone when their name pops up.
And yet, along with the excitement, there’s a nervous undercurrent.
“But what if they leave?”
“What if I mess this up?”
“What if I’m not enough?”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people find themselves unable to enjoy the sweetness of a budding relationship because their minds won’t stop running disaster scenarios.
But just because your mind is predicting heartbreak doesn’t mean heartbreak is inevitable. Just like being anxious on an airplane doesn’t make the plane crash, being anxious in love doesn’t mean your partner will walk away.
The key is learning how to quiet the mental noise so you can actually experience what’s happening now, instead of sabotaging it before it has a chance to unfold.
In this article, we’ll explore why your mind works this way, the most common ways people sabotage new relationships, and practical tools to help you relax, stay grounded, and give your new love the best possible chance to thrive.
Why Our Minds Go Into Overdrive In New Relationships
New love has a way of waking up both the best and the most vulnerable parts of us. On one hand, your heart opens, your energy feels alive, and you’re filled with a hopeful sense of possibility. On the other, your deepest fears of rejection, abandonment, or not being enough come rushing to the surface.
Why does this happen? A few reasons.
Past wounds get triggered.
If you’ve been hurt before (who hasn’t?), your nervous system remembers. Even if this new person is totally wonderful, your body and mind might start anticipating more of the same pain. It’s your subconscious trying to “protect” you by preparing for the worst.
New relationships are inherently uncertain.
In the early weeks, you don’t yet know if it will last. Ambiguity is uncomfortable for the human mind. Our brains crave certainty, control. When it doesn’t have certainty, it fills in the gaps with stories, often worst-case scenarios. The ‘logic’ being that if you predicted the (inevitable) worst case scenario heading your way, then you won’t feel as blindsided. But in the meantime, you’re tense and bracing for the worst, when you (as the saying goes) might just be paying a tax on a debt you may never come to owe.
The stakes feel higher when you really like someone.
It’s easy to be relaxed with someone you’re only partially interested in. But when the chemistry is real, anxiety spikes. Suddenly there’s something valuable to lose.
Fear masquerades as intuition.
Many people mistake fear-based thoughts (“He’s going to leave”) for intuition. But true intuition feels calm and grounded, not frantic and fixated and obsessive.
This is why early-stage love can feel like a rollercoaster. You’re balancing genuine excitement/contentment with a hyperactive mind that’s constantly scanning for danger. The trick isn’t to find some way to magically eliminate the fear… it’s to recognize it for what it is and not let it drive the bus.
What Common Sabotaging Patterns Can Look Like
When our minds run unchecked in a new relationship, it often shows up in subtle (but ultimately destructive) ways. Here are some of the most common patterns I see when working with clients.
Over-analyzing every interaction.
Replaying text messages in your mind, dissecting the tone of their voice, or wondering why they used a period instead of an exclamation point (“They’re pulling away… I knew it!”). This constant mental commentary makes it hard to actually enjoy the connection.
Testing instead of trusting.
You might “test” your partner’s interest by pulling back, picking arbitrary fights, or waiting to see how long it takes them to text you back. These strategies create unnecessary friction and often push away the very closeness you want.
Seeking constant reassurance.
It’s normal to want affirmation in a new relationship. But if you need them to prove their feelings hourly, it can feel suffocating to your partner. And more importantly, it doesn’t actually ease your anxiety long-term. This is just the mind searching for fake nutrients.
Self-sabotaging escapes.
Sometimes the fear of being left hurts so much that you jump ship first. You convince yourself it’s not working, criticize their (real or imagined) flaws, or look for reasons to leave before they have the chance.
Losing yourself in the relationship.
Another common pattern is making your partner your entire focus. You neglect your friends, hobbies, or routines. This not only puts pressure on the relationship but also leaves you less grounded in yourself.
The truth is, most of these behaviors come from the same place… fear of being hurt. But ironically, they increase the chances of creating distance or conflict in the relationship.
Why Anxiety Doesn’t Control Outcomes (The Airplane Analogy)
Imagine you’re on an airplane. You don’t like flying. Your palms sweat, your heart races, and your mind keeps telling you, What if something goes wrong?
Now, here’s the thing…
Your anxiety does not make the plane crash.
The pilot doesn’t feel your nerves in row 17 and suddenly lose control. The mechanics of the aircraft, the training of the crew, and the laws of physics all carry on regardless of what’s happening inside your mind.
It’s similar in relationships.
Feeling anxious about your partner leaving doesn’t cause them to leave. Worrying that you’re not good enough doesn’t make it true. Your relationship isn’t determined by the storm inside your head. It’s shaped by your actions, your presence, and how you show up.
Where people get into trouble is when they believe their anxiety is predictive. They give it too long of a leash. Instead of saying, Oh, that’s just my nervous system firing off, they act on it. Clinging, over-questioning, testing, or even pulling away preemptively.
The goal is not to eliminate anxiety entirely (good luck with that… it’s a human feature, not a bug). The goal is to notice it, breathe, and remind yourself: just because I feel scared doesn’t mean my worst fear is real.
The plane is still flying. The relationship is still alive. Don’t confuse anxious turbulence with a crash.
How to Stay Present Instead of Overthinking
Anxiety pulls you into the future. It spins stories about what might happen and convinces you those stories are reality. The antidote? Presence.
Now I know that presence is a spiritual buzzword that has gotten a lot of airtime over the last decade… but it isn’t just that. It’s practical. It’s deciding, moment to moment, to swap out your “What if” thoughts for “What is” thoughts.
Instead of “What if he leaves me”, you can choose to think, “He is here with me now and I feel his heart.” Instead of “What if we have no real future together”, you can choose to think, “What is true right now is that I am enjoying his company and he is checking all of my boxes and he has similar values to mine.”
Presence is what allows you to actually enjoy a date, hear the words your partner is saying, or feel their hand in yours without running twenty would-be catastrophic scenarios in your head.
Here are a few practices that help.
When you’re with them, ground in your senses
Notice the color of their eyes, the (actual) tone of their voice, the way your own body feels when you’re with them. Senses pull you out of your head and into what’s real.
Breathe intentionally
Slow, deep breaths signal safety to your nervous system. It’s hard to catastrophize when your body feels calm.
Use micro-reminders
A phrase like “The deepest part of my body feels safe with them”, “They have only been kind to me”, or “This moment matters” can break the loop of overthinking and anchor you back in the present.
Engage fully
Ask questions, listen deeply, share openly. Anxiety thrives in passivity. Presence grows when you engage.
Use your resources
Whatever it is that you have available to you to calm your racing mind (taking a bath, going for a walk, talking to a sane/trustable/non-shaming friend, etc.), lean on those resources regularly. Especially in the early weeks/months of your relationship when your mind is most prone to racing into bad neighborhoods.
The truth is, love, connection, intimacy… only happens in the present.
The more you practice presence, the less power your fears have to run the show.
Practical Tools To Keep Fear From Sabotaging The Connection
Fear is sneaky. It whispers worst-case scenarios, convinces you they’re inevitable, and then hijacks your behavior. If you don’t establish some internal boundaries, it will run (or ruin) the relationship for you.
Here are a few simple, daily practices to keep fear in its place.
Name it out loud
This can be done with yourself, and with your partner (and it’s generally best to do it in that order).
Saying to yourself, “I’m feeling anxious because I really like this person and I’m afraid they’ll leave” robs fear of a lot of its shadowy power.
If after acknowledging the fear to yourself it persists strongly, it can also be beneficial to name it to your partner. Not from a, “Oh god I’m freaking out and this is a huge deal so I’m just going to dump it in your lap and now you have to fix it/deal with it immediately help!” place. But rather from a place of, “I just want to name that I’m feeling really excited about this connection, and I’m also feeling some fear that it’ll just end abruptly. The excitement is real, and I see that the fear is just trying to protect me. But yeah. I really enjoy spending time with you, and I’ve been feeling a bit vulnerable lately as I continue to open into this with you.”
So again, it isn’t about emotional dumping. It’s about emotional vulnerability, and being responsible for your mind. And voila, once you’ve named it, it loses another chunk of its power.
Set a worry window
Instead of letting anxiety interrupt your whole day, give yourself a 10-minute slot where you’re “allowed” to worry. Outside that window? Back to presence.
Anchor in gratitude
Each night, jot down three things you appreciated about your partner or your connection that day. Gratitude reminds your nervous system that things are safe and good right now.
Rehearse safety
Do calming routines that remind your body it’s secure. Things like exercise, deep breathing, journaling. The safer you feel in yourself… in your own body, the less fear leaks irresponsibly onto your partner.
Fear doesn’t need to vanish for you to have love. It just needs appropriate boundaries. When you practice these tools consistently, you prove to yourself that you (and not your anxiety) are in charge.
Choosing Love Over Fear
Every this-actually-has-real-potential love relationship has risk baked into it. To open your heart is to face the possibility of loss. But it’s also the only way to experience the joy, depth, and intimacy that make life worth living.
Fear will always present its case. ‘What if they leave? What if I’m not enough? What if this falls apart?’ But love has its own truth. ‘What if they stay? What if I am enough? What if this grows into something beautiful?’
You don’t need fear to vanish in order to love well. You just need to choose which voice you give more airtime to. Every moment in a new relationship is an opportunity to lean toward love, presence, and possibility… rather than anxiety, doubt, and self-sabotage.
So if you find yourself spiralling, pause. Remember… your mind can be noisy, but the noise doesn’t need to decide the fate of your relationship. You do.
Choose to show up, stay open, and let the relationship unfold. Ultimately, love rewards courage.
And if I were to boil this entire article down to one phrase, it would be, “Don’t let your mind win.”
You’ve got this.
And if you need any extra support, you can always reach out and apply to work with me 1-on-1, and if it’s a mutual fit, I would be happy to help.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Ps. If you enjoyed reading this article, you’ll love checking out:
– 3 Things To Do About Fear Of Your Partner Dying
– Engagement Anxiety: Why Am I More Afraid Than Happy?
– New Relationship? Here Are 5 Ways To Overcome Your Anxiety
– 3 Reasons You Date Emotionally Unavailable People (And How To Stop)
