Apr 24, 2016

Three Things That Everyone Needs In A Partner

There are three things everyone needs in a partner.

Find someone with one or two of these traits, and you will forever feel like something is lacking in your partnership.

Find someone with all three of these things and you may find yourself surprisingly attracted to someone who you tell yourself isn’t your “usual type.”

Here are the three things that everyone needs in a partner.

1. You must be sexually attracted to them

One of the key differentiating factors (and for many people the only differentiating factor) between all of your relationships and your romantic relationship is the fact that you have sex with each other.

If you don’t find your significant other physically/sexually attractive, then it’s a non-starter.

How you know if this is missing: if you lack the sexual attraction, then they will feel more like a friend.

How you know if you have this: you enjoy kissing/cuddling/having sex with them. You find various physical things about them appealing. You get turned on by them with relative ease. The genitals don’t lie.

2. You have to have friendship compatibility

A common phrase that I’ve heard from my clients mouths over the past several years has been that their partners are their “best friends.” And while you don’t necessarily need to describe them as your best friend, they should definitely feel like a friend that you feel safe and comfortable spending ample amounts of time with.

Do you feel safe telling them your secrets? Do you make each other laugh? Are you kind to one another? Then you are likely compatible on a friendship level.

How you know if this is missing: if you lack the friendship compatibility, then you will like sleeping with them and enjoy the occasional conversation, but you won’t want to spend Sunday afternoon with them year after year. Their company will grow tiresome.

How you know if you have this: you enjoy each other’s company, you have fun with each other, you would willingly spend your weekend with them just hanging out.

3. They must be your intellectual equal

This point is often the most overlooked one. If you don’t feel like your partner is your intellectual equal then the relationship might have a tough time getting off the ground.

Obviously there are an infinite number of ways that someone can be intelligent/intellectual/smart. Intelligence is entirely relative. And it only matters that they are smart in the ways that are important to you and what you’re looking for.

Maybe they’re traditionally book smart. Maybe their interpersonal skills are finely tuned. Maybe they are experts of movement, physical creation, or in their manual dexterity.

If you feel like you can run intellectual laps around them, the relationship will probably suffer. Conversely, if they challenge you, your world view, and their thoughts and opinions push you to grow into a better version of yourself, then you’ve found a keeper.

How you know if this is missing: if you lack the intellectual stimulation, then you will feel bored. Or unchallenged. Or like something subtle is permanently missing. You might even gradually lose respect for them because you don’t feel like you are with your equal.

How you know if you have this: you look forward to the conversations you have with them. You are able to frequently be in awe of them and their unique form of intelligence. You value their form of brilliance that they bring to the world.

Can You Make It Work If You Don’t Have All Three Of These Traits?

Of course. You can make almost any relationship work. It’s a matter of whether or not you want to and what your core values are.

If you consider yourself asexual, or sex isn’t a huge part of your life, you don’t have to agree with the first point.

If you have a thriving social life in your close dozen friends that you see a few times per week, then it might not matter to you if your partner feels like your best friend or not.

If you don’t consider yourself someone who values intellectual debate (or you knowingly prefer a partner who isn’t as intelligent as you) then maybe finding a partner who is your intellectual equal is low on your priority list.

My assumption? If you’ve found your way to reading this far in the article, then you most likely want a relationship that offers you a high degree of all three relational compatibilities.

So that’s it… you have to connect physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

I hope that this relational context serves you well.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Ps. If you enjoyed this post, you’ll likely also love reading…

The Shifting Role Of Relationships In Modern Society

Kindling vs. Coal: How To Know If Your Relationship Will Last Or Not

How To Find And Date An Exceptionally High Quality Partner

Jordan Gray
About Jordan Gray

Jordan Gray has been a sex and relationship coach for over 15+ years, with his work reaching over 200 million people worldwide. His writing has been featured in Vogue, GQ, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and countless other publications around the world. When he’s not working with 1-on-1 coaching clients or writing a new article, he’s most likely to be found reading, chopping wood, or spending time with his wife on a little island off the west coast of Canada.

Blog

Related

See All
5 Empowering Beliefs About Sex For Women
Nov 12, 2024
Jordan Gray
5 Empowering Beliefs About Sex For Women
Ever felt like there’s more to your sex life than what you’ve been told? If so, you’re not alone. For many women, beliefs about sex have been shaped more by external pressures and societal expectations than by personal truth. Many of us carry ideas about sex that don’t serve us, beliefs that limit...
Continue Reading
Dating Advice For Introverts: How Being An Introvert Helps You In Your Dating Life
Feb 16, 2013
Jordan Gray
Dating Advice For Introverts: How Being An Introvert Helps You In Your Dating Life
  Dating Advice For Introverts First of all, what is an introvert? Introversion and extroversion are some of the least properly understood terms in psychology. People assume it means whether or not you like to be around people. This is overly simplistic and simply not true. Here is the best...
Continue Reading
5 Powerful Ideas You Can Use For Valentine’s Day
Feb 3, 2015
Jordan Gray
5 Powerful Ideas You Can Use For Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is coming up soon… do you know what you’re going to do for it? Whether you celebrate the holiday with a significant other or not, these five powerful ideas will be good ones to keep in your back pocket for future use. If you are celebrating the holiday, please, please, please avoid...
Continue Reading
Love Them In A Way That Makes Them More Free
Jan 11, 2019
Jordan Gray
Love Them In A Way That Makes Them More Free
The majority of modern relationships are based off of fear. Marriages that are more about possessiveness than about love. Unspoken codependent social contracts abound. Jealousy, game playing, and manipulation are more the default than the exception. So, if trying to possess or control someone is the...
Continue Reading
5 Powerful Romantic Gestures They Will Remember Forever
Jul 14, 2015
Jordan Gray
5 Powerful Romantic Gestures They Will Remember Forever
Ever wanted to do something truly special for your partner? Maybe you’ve been around the block and you feel like you’ve done all there is to do. Maybe you’re an all-around superb intimate partner in a lot of ways. Maybe… just maybe… on occasion you’ve even managed to make your significant other...
Continue Reading
Video Chat Sex: 10 Ways To Make It Infinitely Hotter
Apr 19, 2020
Jordan Gray
Video Chat Sex: 10 Ways To Make It Infinitely Hotter
If you’re looking to spice things up in a long distance relationship, video chat sex is an incredibly valuable skill to master. There's simultaneously something romantic, and edgy about engaging in video chat sex with your partner. Whether you do it on Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, or another platform,...
Continue Reading