Some of my clients come to me when they’re feeling their most frustrated and hopeless.
They repeat the mantras that are graffitied all over the protective walls surrounding their hearts…
“There are no good ones left.”
“All men are liars.”
“Women just want to get close so that they can treat you poorly and take advantage of you.”
And I totally get it.
Spinning your proverbial wheels in the mud is absolutely frustrating…
But you don’t have to engage in the same relationship pattern over and over. You just need some awareness, to take new action, and to grow through whatever current challenge you’re facing.
If you are consistently meeting the same kind of potential partner (and it’s a type that you don’t like) then this is a sure sign from the universe that there is some lesson that you have yet to learn.
In the form of various different people, the lesson is being offered up to you with a “This one? No… okay, how about this one? No? Do you see yet that these are all the same kind of person? How about this one… they’re even more obvious.” We get the same feedback (offered up to us via a consistent type of person) until we realize what the pattern is, learn through it, grow, and move forwards with our lives.
For example, if it’s a lack of self-love, then you might need to take better care of yourself and live a more aligned life in order to honour your heart. If you are prone to attracting partners who don’t treat you very well (maybe they cheat on you or they are unable to emotionally invest) then maybe that’s the universe’s way of trying to highlight the fact that you haven’t been emotionally showing up for yourself. If you’re really baffled by what your pattern is and how to fix it, you can always reach out and chat.
Regardless of what’s going on for you in your individual circumstance, here are a few ways you can get over this frustrating hump of being done with love.
1. Fall in love with yourself
Frustrated with the lack of love? Good news! As with every emotion that we experience, love can only come from within.
By falling in love with yourself, giving yourself validation, and living a life that lights you up, you’ll be removing unhealthy dependency on needing the validation and love of another. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be loved by someone else, when we have a lack of love for ourselves we can become overly needy for someone to tell us that we are worthy and loveable.
Your individual process of falling in love with yourself will look different than anyone else’s because you have a unique life with unique experiences behind you. Maybe you need to focus your energy on doing work that is more aligned with your hearts desires. Maybe you need to shift your internal dialogue so that you aren’t beating yourself up all the time and expecting perfection in your actions. Or maybe you simply need to slow down and take better care of your physical and mental self (by taking more time off from work, exercising more, and spending time in nature).
Your journey to falling in love with yourself is yours alone. It could be one of the hardest things you ever do for yourself, but it will also be the most worthwhile.
2. Figure out what you want
A huge part of the frustration you could be feeling in your state of ‘I’m done with love’ is likely due to going after a consistent type of person that make you miserable. At a certain point, usually right now… when you’re the most frustrated, you realize what has been happening and you choose a new way.
You might start by talking it over with friends. If you aren’t sure what the negative part of your last half a dozen relationship partners has been, your friends may have some great insights for you since they are impartial and can see your significant others with an unbiased perspective. To your friends, it might be glaringly obvious that all of your partners have been emotionally unavailable, or uninterested in a relationship, or shut down with their communication.
Or, if you don’t have any friends opinions who you trust, you could always go the good ol’ fashioned route of journalling. Journalling is self-reflection in action. It’s a conversation that you have with yourself.
Write about what you have been doing. Then write about what you want instead. And then…
3. Have the courage to honour your new standards
If you’ve been chasing after emotionally unavailable partners, maybe it’s time to screen heavily (upfront) for partners that are emotionally available and are looking for a relationship. If you’ve chronically found yourself in relationships with people who aren’t very interested in you, then you could screen for partners who show an apparent emotional investment and who are more vocal about their desire for you.
Whatever you recognize needs to change, have the courage to honour what you are now looking for. Your old way of partner finding is likely a deeply formed habit by now, so finding their opposite might not come naturally at first, but it will be an essential step in your dating life’s evolution.
Figure out what you want, and then ensure (early on) that you are partnering up with someone who doesn’t exhibit the olds ways of being that you know have always lead to pain for you.
4. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated
One of the best ways to ensure that you will start to attract the right kind of romantic partners into your life that you want is to start treating yourself like you want your future partner to treat you.
If you deeply crave someone who nurtures and loves you, nurture and love yourself by getting regular massages, going for long, meditative walks in the park, and honouring yourself day to day (tired? take a nap! hungry? take yourself out for a meal, etc.).
If you are itching for a partner who tells you how loveable and worthy you are to combat the negative internal dialogue that runs on a loop in your mind, give yourself that same gift first. Set up recurring reminders on your phone to tell you things like “You are such a kind person, and you are so worthy of love.” Add self-affirmations in to your morning routine, telling yourself the things that you most uniquely want to hear.
By fulfilling ourselves in a way that we want a partner to fulfill us, we set ourselves up to give off an energy of already being fulfilled in the ways that we need, which will then more readily attract partners into our life that resonate with that same way of being.
Conversely, if you neglect your self and your needs, then you will attract a partner who resonates with that same lack in you (and therefore will be largely unable to fulfill those needs for you because they also haven’t learned that lesson for themselves).
So as cliche as it might seem, the best strategy of attracting the right partner for you is to build such a happy, amazing single life that you’ll have to do mental gymnastics to figure out how to fit a partner into it, and when you do, they’ll show up and fill in all of the cracks that you didn’t even know were there.
Love yourself first, and the best, most aligned lover will attract themselves into your life.
5. Do the friend check
So you’ve done your inner work, figured out what you want, and have attracted a new love interest into your life.
By this point in time, you might be so fed up with your lack of a fulfilling love life that you might not trust your judgment in potential partners. Enter… your trusted social circle.
After checking in with your own gut level feelings (does the relationship have potential?), ask your closest friends if they think the person you’re seeing could be a good fit for you.
Other people often have a better understanding of who is right or wrong for us because they see the totality of who we are and they are emotionally impartial. So don’t be afraid to have your new significant other meet your closest friends (who you know the best) early on in your relationship. If you wait to introduce them until 10-20 dates, you might already be too emotionally attached to take your friends opinions seriously. If you think that the person you’re seeing could be a good match for you, aim to introduce them to your friends within the first 3-5 dates. The sooner the better.
That’s it for today! Have any questions about your unique situation? Want to get over your current relationship slump? Let’s talk!
Dedicated to your success,
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