The messages that we get regarding sex via pop culture have the ability to put a lot of pressure on us.
Fuck for twelve hours straight! 40 orgasms each! Do it every day or else your relationship is doomed!
With standards like these being thrown at us, it’s hard not to think that we might be lacking in the bedroom department.
And with all of this talk of having a super-steamy sex life, where does that leave the concept of having more ritualized, need-meeting, and even boring sex?
Embracing Boring Sex Once And For All
Now, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t strive for a passionate, fully alive sexual connection in their intimate relationship. Of course you should. Put in effort. Read books. Go to a couples tantra class or two. Keep the communication channels open by regularly talking with each other about how sexually fulfilled you’re both feeling.
But remember that routine, boring sex has a place at the table too.
You are 100%, completely allowed to:
– Take turns, and each selfishly get your needs met with each other
– Have sex with your partner when you don’t really feel like it, and get into it as it happens
– Schedule sexual intimacy with your partner (and follow through with scheduled sex)
– Not want to try a huge array of new positions/toys/skills if you don’t feel drawn to them (or if you’re just happy with what you and your partner already do)
– Have a consistent, highly predictable routine in how you and your partner sexually engage with each other
– Squeeze in sex between your life obligations (raising kids, work, education, errands, etc.)
– Have infrequent sex with your partner if that’s what works best for both of you
– Not engage in any sexual act that you and/or your partner don’t enjoy or see what all of the fuss is about (oral sex, anal play, bondage, etc.)
– Do whatever the fuck you want in bed… it’s your sex life, and it doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else but you and your partner(s)
How To Make Boring Sex A Part Of Your Routine
First, let go of the pressure that you feel to be a flawless, need-fulfilling, uber-performer in bed.
Next, have a conversation with your partner about what it is that you both want out of an ideal sex life.
Some people might think that talking about sex ruins it’s magic. I am very not one of those people.
In my mind, the more explicit you can be about your needs in a relationship (sexual or otherwise), the more adequately equipped both you and your partner will be on your path to creating a loving, fulfilling, nourishing partnership.
You don’t go on a long distance road trip without a map, GPS, or a smart phone… so why would you not give your partner the maps to your physiological and emotional inner being if you already had extra copies lying around?
Once you’ve had a clear conversation about your individual sexual needs, it’s time to talk about what your ideal sex life looks like that meets both of your needs.
What kind of sexual frequency do you both want? What kinds of sexual acts will be some of your most frequently visited regulars? How much time are you both willing to invest into your sex life on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis?
All of the particulars are up to you. Check in with yourself about what you want, have the conversation with your partner, and then roll out the schedule/road map about what that will look like for both of you and make it a priority.
Mindlessly fumbling around in a dark room without clear awareness of what your partner’s into? That’s some real amateur, high school level shit.
Being able to expertly meet your partners explicitly stated needs on a regular basis, masterfully flooding each other with happy chemicals, and playing each others bodies like a violin? Now that’s hot.
Wait, Isn’t Predictability Death To A Good Sex Life?
At this point, some people might be reading this and thinking to themselves, “I thought fear, uncertainty, and lack of predictability were all necessary pre-cursors to a high quality sex life. How can sex be both boring and satisfying?”
There are a lot of agenda-pushing sex and relationship coaches out there who are hell bent on pushing this narrative that sex has to be this world-expanding, consciousness shifting experience where you both explode in orgasmic bliss dozens of times each, every single session. FUCK THAT! These expectations simply aren’t realistic, and pushing this narrative can actually cause more harm than good.
The societally imposed or personally driven pressure to perform something flawlessly quickly turns counterproductive in people’s lives.
Eating well quickly turns into the compulsive need to eat flawlessly all of the time (orthorexia).
Wanting a good nights sleep turns into the compulsive need to bio-hack the living shit out of your sleep routines (which leads to orthosomnia).
And the (completely well-meaning, healthily intentioned) desire to want to meet your partner’s sexual needs quickly turns into a fear of ever ‘performing’ poorly in bed or not meeting all of your partners’ sexual needs flawlessly, without being asked.
So please, for the love of your genitals, hearts, and souls, embrace boring sex.
Make boring sex your new lover.
Let go of this unreachable ideal of having mind-blowing sex, every time you engage with your partner.
Tell your partner, “You know what… I am responsible for my own sexual pleasure, and you are off the hook. I’ll ask for whatever I want, whenever I want, and we can meet in the middle when we feel like it. I love you, and I feel totally fine with our sex life not creating overwhelming fireworks every time we touch. I accept it as it is, just as I accept you as you are. I commit to taking pressure off of our sex life, and in so doing, letting whatever needs to emerge, emerge. Cool?”
To which they will reply, “Cool.”
And you will both go on with your growth-oriented, emotionally honest lives, and you will often have mediocre sex, and you will sometimes have amazing sex (not when you plan it… but you’ll just stumble upon it occasionally), and you’ll both live happily ever after.
Dedicated to your success,
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