If there’s one thing I receive more emails about on a weekly basis than anything else, it’s sex.
How do I get more sex from my partner? How do I have better sex? How can I last longer? How do I get my partner to initiate more?
As a society, our relationship to sex is primarily through the ego.
The ego is concerned with wanting. It wants more, more, more. But it isn’t as good with the state of having.
I’m not concerned with speaking to the ego in this article. Instead, I’ll be speaking to the soul.
The soul doesn’t want to ‘get’ sex. The soul wants connection, nourishment, generosity, love.
So if you’re able to listen from the level of your heart, from the level of your soul, this piece is for you.
The 3 Most Important Things You Can Do To Have A Better Sex Life
1. Set boundaries in your life
In order to be a fully present, available, connect-able partner in the bedroom, one must first have enough mental and emotional resources to do so.
Make sure you’re setting enough boundaries in your life so that you still have energy to bring to your partner in intimacy.
If you’re engaging in misaligned work that exhausts you… if you’re constantly playing the rescuer to other people’s victim… if you’re always running yourself ragged and doing yourself in with compulsive endless activities, then you won’t really have the opportunity to be there in bed.
An intentional life is a spacious life. A boundaried life is a simple life. Know what brings you joy, and optimize for those things.
There’s no other way around this. If you want to have an epic sex life, you have to reserve and protect your energy in order to be able to bring that presence of attention to the bedroom. You and your partner deserve that.
2. Get in touch with and name your desire
The vast majority of couples engage in mind-reading sex. They try to assume and infer everything about their partner’s desire without ever having communicated about it.
And while you don’t need to talk your love life to death (there’s absolutely room for reading your partner’s energy in a long-term relationship when you already know each other deeply), if you don’t talk about your desires at all, your sex life will suffer.
Set aside some time and have a conversation about your sex life. Even once a month will do your relationship wonders.
Ask questions like, ‘How have you been feeling about our sex life lately?’, and ‘Is there anything you’d like to see more of in our sex life in the coming weeks?’
Giving each other full permission to name your desire aloud is not only deeply permission giving, but it can also be quite erotic.
If you’re old enough to have sex with your partner, then you’re old enough to talk about sex with your partner. You won’t explode, and nor will they. In fact, when done right, it will lead to some of the most pleasurable and nourishing experiences of your life.
3. Be generous
One of the most important things anyone can do to make their sex life truly thrive is to lead with a spirit of generosity.
Remember, the ego always wants to get (‘What’s in it for me?’), whereas the soul wants to give.
So do things that your ego might originally resist or balk at.
Give your partner an hour-long, full-body oil massage. Give your partner regular spoiling sessions. Gift your partner with an extended penis massage/pussy massage. Run your fingers through their hair while you tell them all of the things that you love and appreciate about them.
Allow there to be regular moments in your sex life when you largely forget yourself and simply become a vessel of love and contribution.
Sex isn’t about performance, or getting. Sex is about feeling and connecting.
So connect with generosity. Crack your heart wide open and pour your love all over them.
If this feels new or strange at first, keep up with it. Everything feels different until you’ve done it for a while.
Like a garden that is lovingly tended to for months on end, your sex life will flourish when you lead from this place. It is a night and day difference that most people have never experienced. And I promise, it’s worth it.
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll also love checking out:
– Supercharge Your Sex Life (video series for men)
– 5 Questions To Ask Your Partner For Better Sex
– The Spoiling Session: The Ultimate Sexual Connection Exercise For Couples