Becoming a black-belt lover doesn’t have anything to do with getting harder, faster, stronger, or memorizing anatomy charts.
Yes, physical stature and core strength might improve your endurance and how acrobatic or pretzel-shaped you can get while fucking. But they’re not the answer.
These things can make you a good lover. But they won’t make you amazing.
The real secret weapons that elevate sex to the highest level are much more subtle and profound.
It’s not about practical techniques, positions, or knowledge. It’s about cultivating presence, developing a connection to your body, and being able to communicate powerfully.
Let’s break down each of these three master skills of becoming an amazing lover.
We usually think of this as just settling and “being in the moment”, and that’s pretty much it. But there’s so much more tied into our ability to develop sexual presence than you’d initially think.
Presence, in the conventional sense, doesn’t necessarily mean feeling comfortable, safe, and at ease (though it certainly helps if you want to go as deep as possible.) It means bringing a non-judgmental awareness to whatever is at every given moment, and being fully attentive to the ever-unfolding present moment, rather than getting caught up in mentally rehashing the past, or reaching toward the future.
And you can still work on being present through deeply uncomfortable situations, where your mind wants to fly away when it wants to avoid confronting something, or just gets caught up in the usual inner noise and bullshit.
But to be present sexually, while naked and intimate with someone, you’ll need a high level of acceptance toward your body, yourself, and your sexual energy and desires. Otherwise, you’ll constantly be distracted and thrown out of the moment.
It’s very difficult to truly be present when you’re preoccupied with judging and evaluating the experience, or wondering what they’re thinking, or worrying about how you look, or afraid to ask for/do what you really want.
And you could create space around these feelings, and still be “present” through them, but it doesn’t exactly allow you to get lost in the moment.
Next level sex happens when the people involved are able to abandon all that mental activity and get lost in the pure flow of experience and expression.
Presence also turns your partner on because they can feel that you’re 100% there with them. Both of you wants to be each other’s single point of focus. You want to be wanted. You want to drive them crazy. And you can sense whether a person is right there with you in that place, or a bit absent, because they’re distracted or inhibited.
Working your way out of the past, the future, or getting tangled up in other thoughts, does both of you a big favour for enhancing pleasure and intimacy. When you’re both there and attentive, it creates a feedback loop, like an upward spiral of increasing tension and arousal.
One of the biggest things you can do to improve your level of presence is to perform a ritual to switch mental gears and distinguish sexual time from regular time. Whatever helps your mind fully arrive in the room and arouse sensuality with your partner (synchronized breathing and massage exchange/sensual touch are both excellent.)
Stress is one of the biggest obstacles to being present. Our minds get hyper-active and all we can think about are the problems we have to deal with now, or might have to deal with in the future.
Essentially, we slip into survival mode and don’t feel like we can relax and just be.
In this state, a part of you might want to have sex. But you might be left feeling like it was a bit lacklustre, or wondering why you weren’t able to access a higher gear to make the magic happen, like you couldn’t fully engage.
A lot of the time this is either because you’re wound up, or have other priorities shouting at you from the back of your mind, or you need to report your mind to your partner and get some things off your chest.
Once all of you feels ready and willing to let go of everything else and be right there in that moment, with that person, then your sex can begin to be transcendent.
With this settled, focused mind, you can then drop in to develop your…
2. Connection to your body
This is the gateway to sexual stamina and greater pleasure for all.
When you fine-tune the connection to your body, you sharpen your awareness of the electrical current in your nervous system and gain more control over the flow.
When you fuck from your mind (as we often do), bodily sensations are dampened and numbed. It’s all about what you see and how direct genital stimulation feels. You’re more focused on how you perform, and how your partner responds to you.
When you drop in and fuck from your body, it becomes a more full-spectrum, sensual experience. It’s about the feeling and touch of every part of your body. All sensations get amplified. Feelings of pleasure, and your sensitivity to your partner’s pleasure, become more acute and overwhelming.
In the second approach, you’re able to use more than just your genitals to connect. Every part of your being will begin to mesh and play together, which generates a much more profoundly sensual experience for both of you.
The word “sensual” actually holds a lot of the answers right there. Most regard it as a softer, shallow synonym for “sexual”, or something related to fucking.
A dictionary will say that being sensual means to “get gratification through the senses.” But I mean something more profound than that. Sensuality, to me, means to be wildly, totally immersed in your senses, and being tantalized by the incoming data. All of this requires you getting out of your head.
To do this, and connect more to your body, you literally have to “come to your senses,” and bring your awareness to them. Once you do that, then you’ll start “cumming to your senses,” which is the ultimate goal.
When men work on being more sensual, they’ll begin to see that they can hold off the swelling urge to ejaculate a lot longer than they think they can. They’ll also realize that it’s possible to have multiple orgasms once they redefine what they think an “orgasm” is, and practice playing with that energy.
For women, they’ll see that they can call up the urge to orgasm a lot quicker, more often, with more strength and more powerful duration, than they think they can.
On both sides, you’ll start to see that orgasms aren’t just an automatic function of physical stimulation that’s out of your control. You absolutely have a say in your arousal arc, and can create your own crescendos and climaxes at will.
(Also, this is what’s behind the core practice for men when increasing sexual stamina. Being present and centred in his body allows him to diffuse his awareness, which decentralizes attention – pulling it away from the genitals and out into the rest of his body, as well as his partner’s. Coupled with other practices, he can last as long as he wants.)
Moving toward sensuality also intensifies the experience of orgasm. Using purely our minds, it’s common to think of (and therefore experience) orgasm as something that happens in our genitals.
But orgasms are a total nervous system phenomenon. Some might have a heavier grouping of sensation around the nerves of the clitoris or penis, but they actually ripple out and rebound through the rest of the body. It’s just that most people aren’t paying deep attention to the sensation, and haven’t learned to turn up the volume by increasing sensory acuity – in NLP terms.
To cultivate sensuality, mindfulness meditation, and guided body scans are great tools. They help you practice pulling your attention out of your head and flexing the muscle of somatic awareness.
If this type of thing is new for you, and you don’t have the patience or attention span to suddenly sit still and tune into bodily sensations, that’s okay. You can start by doing anything that unwinds your mind and shifts you into more body awareness.
This could be taking a sauna, working out, doing yoga, foam rolling, putting away your phone and reading, or whatever works for you. Even taking time to smell and taste every bite of your food during a meal is practice in sensuality.
(For more practical tips and on how to do this, check out my recent article on 7 Ways To Get Out Of Your Head And Into Your Body.)
Beyond stronger orgasms, stamina, and partner connection, there’s another big reason why being tuned into your body is so key, and it’s hard to understand without experiencing it.
Your sexual desire and primal energy are very body-based, or “lower chakra”. When you’re more centered in that place, and less in your head, you might be very surprised by what comes up in your mind to say and do.
This is because you’re getting more in touch with your animalistic side, which includes darker sexual energy (as well as your lighter side). You begin to open the dam to a part of yourself you wouldn’t otherwise have access to, and this can have extremely hot implications for your sex life.
For example, you might get more in touch with a desire to be a full-on Dom, and take total control of your partner. Or, you might surrender deeper into wanting to be a sub and have someone get more aggressively dominant than you thought you were into. On the other hand, you might just simply feel freer to ask to be touched the way you want, or for the position that’s calling to you in the moment.
This is all newfound fuel that will help unleash your sexiest self and start to supercharge your sex life.
Whatever the deeper, untapped truth of your hidden sexual energy holds – once you find it, you’ll then need to work on…
Having strong energetic presence and connection to your body make up a strong individual foundation.
The next frontier is communicating with the other person (or people, for all you saucier freaks out there). This means both the freedom of selfishly expressing yourself and being curious about your partner’s experience.
The most amazing lovers are those that are fully in touch with their naughtiest thoughts and desires in the moment and give themselves permission to voice them, while also being sensitive to the experience of the other person, in terms of what they might want and what will enhance their pleasure.
And some of this crucial communication will happen before and after having sex, not during. This is the work of digging deeper into each other’s fantasies and preferences, setting up boundaries within which to play, and generally sharing your experience.
Being a great lover includes much more than the time you spend in the actual acts of fucking and foreplay.
A great lover is skilled in the art of creating safe and exciting conversation around sexuality, where all parties feel like they can go anywhere and say anything (within set boundaries).
So, when you actually do get around to doing the physical stuff, you both know what to do, and can do it while feeling open, trusting, and confident. This is what makes communication such a big factor in creating the freedom to feel totally present and connected to your body, without second guessing anything.
Communicating in the heat of the moment is the other side of the coin.
There’s the great skill of checking in on the firmness and speed of your touch, or penetration, or asking where and how they’re like to be touched. Because what gets your engine revving one day might really shift to the next. Instead of blindly following routine and missing the mark, a little clarity and fine-tuning stimulation can crank the pleasure from “oh, yes, that’s quite nice” to “HOLY FUCK DON’T STOP DON’T STOP!”
In the long-term, being able to continuously express your sexual truth is what keeps things fresh and exciting. If you’re withholding yourself from saying the dirty stuff that comes to mind, or doing what you want (again, within set boundaries), things will stagnate and frustration and boredom will eventually arise.
Once you’re actually in touch with those desires, the next blocks to expressing them you might run into are: a) not feeling confident/familiar with doing so, and b) worried about what the other person will think.
When you liberate yourself from these concerns, there is a shiiit ton of power on the other side.
“Okay, sounds good… how do I do that?”
Rather than just jumping into the deep end, it might help you to take some baby steps and wade in from the shallows by having a primer conversation with your partner.
Let them know you’ve been having whatever urges have been coming up for you (ie. dirty talking more, playing out a particular scene, tying them up or getting into BDSM, trying anal play, getting rougher, etc.)
Once you voice the intention and your partner is both aware and into it, a lot of the sense of risk is taken away. All you’re left with at this point is to get over your own hang-ups. (If you need a little push to getting more vocal in the bedroom, this guide to dirty talk might be a big help.)
And if you’re thinking you’re already comfortable with all this, then your role in practicing communication will be to tease these things out of your partner and bring them to life in a way that lightly challenges them while still feeling trust and safety.
That right there is the end-game of becoming an amazing lover – where you’re already fully expressing yourself, but then also actively working to facilitate your partner’s exploration and full expression (since, ultimately, a relationship is about growth and healing, and you should both be allies in each other’s lives).
It’s good to learn some specific techniques of how to use your hands, fingers, and genitals. But presence, connection to your body, and communication are the real game-changing foundations that put the “oomph” behind all of that other stuff, and truly elevates your love-making onto a whole new level.
So, take a breath, drop in, open your mind and your mouth, and let the full-body orgasms roll.
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will also love checking out:
– Supercharge Your Sex Life (video series for men)
– 5 Questions To Ask Your Partner For Better Sex
– How To Figure Out What Your Ideal Sex Life Looks Like
– The Spoiling Session: The Best Sexual Exercise For Couples